What's Your Poison?
Back To TopThere's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says:
"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
Staying Connected
Back To TopAfter years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she’s come from.
"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I’ve been stranded on the other side of the island."
"Where did you get the rowboat?"
"I made it out of gum trees and palm branches," she replies.
"But you had no tools!" he says.
"I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue."
The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can’t believe his eyes. They sit down, and she smiles at him. "Now, tell me," she says, looking deep into his eyes. "Is there something you’ve been desiring while you’ve been alone? You know..."
"Do you mean," he whispers, "I can check my E-mail from here!?!"
Cure For Snoring
Back To TopA woman takes her dog to the vet because he snores loud enough to wake the dead. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"
Integration Gone Wild
Back To TopAfter the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:
Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big
Mac.
Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your
Coke. That'll be
$3.99.
Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.
Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.
Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!
Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free.
Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?
Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more
innovative. It's got
integrated Coke!
Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the
street... I'm not going to
drink the Coke.
Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.
Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw
the
Coke away.
Cashier: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly
integrated. Totally
inseparable.
Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate
things?!
Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a
tank of Coke) See?
Joe: Why did you just do that?!
Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise
you'd end up with
two different, inconsistent tastes. This way
you're
assured of a
continuous taste across all your foods.
Rude Parrot
Back To TopA woman was thinking about getting a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. A bird wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it talk. She went to the pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She asked the shop owner how much the bird cost. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she decided to buy it.
"Look, I should tell you that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse
and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff," said the owner.
The woman thought for a moment, but decided she had to have the
bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The
petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage in her living room and waited for it to
say
something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"Squawk. New house, new madam."
The woman was shocked at the implication, but then thought
"Well, I
guess that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters
returned
home from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at
them
and said,
"Squawk. New house, new madam, new girls."
The daughters and the woman again were a bit surprised, but then
began to laugh at the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband, Ray, came home from work. The bird looked at
him
and said,
"Squawk New house, new madam, new girls... Hi Ray!"
Things Only a Mother Can Teach a Kid
Back To Top"Things only a Mother can teach..."
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you .... Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....then you'll see what it's like"
New Words for the 21st Century
Back To TopThe Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was
your
money to start with.
Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't
get it.
Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
Glibido:
All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Brown-Noser
Back To TopA young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Thank you so much!" said the CEO. "I need two copies."
If Dr. Seuss were a technical Writer:
Back To TopHere's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy
disk abort,Then the socket packet pocket has an
error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a
dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your
window in the trash, And your data is corrupted
'cause the index doesn't hash. Then your
situation's hopeless and your system's gonna
crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
another game, sir!
If the label on the cable on the table at your
house, Says the network is connected to the button
on the mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on
another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by
the printer down the hall, And your screen is all
distorted by the side affects of Gauss, So your
icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a
bang,'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's
gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on
the disk, And the microcode instructions cause
unnecessary RISC. Then you have to flash your
memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly
turn off the computer and be sure to tell your
mom!
Forty Second Amusement
Back To TopSee if you can do this. Read each line aloud:
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is dumbass cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.