A Reason to Appreciate your Job-Whatever it may be.
Back To TopChoosing Today to have a Wonderful Day! I LOVE MY JOB! I LOVE MY JOB! I LOVE MY JOB!
Ain't it the truth.....
Last week I went to a seminar called *Stress and Disease by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress that I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this.
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company !"
Bad Day for a Scuba-diver
Back To TopTHE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with SCUBA tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles away from the forest.
The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'-10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!
This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998
The Mouse and The Elephant
Back To TopA mouse was walking through the jungle when he hears a voice crying out "help, help!" Upon looking around, he sees an elephant stuck in a mudhole, unable to move.
"Please help me" cried the elephant. The mouse thinks for a minute, runs off and returns shortly there- after behind the wheel of a mercedes. He backs the mercedes up to the mudhole, the elephant grabs hold of the bumper, the mouse floors the accelerator, and the elephant is slowly pulled from the mudhole and rescued.
A couple of weeks later, the elephant is meandering through the
jungle when he hears a feeble "help! help!". He finds the mouse
stuck in the very same mudhole!
"Help me, Mr. Elephant! Run and
get your mercedes so that you can rescue me!" The elephant replies
that he doesn't have a mercedes and thinks and thinks and thinks....
Finally, he straddles the mudhole, and slowly lets down his penis,
inch by inch, until the mouse is able to reach it. Thus the mouse
was saved by climbing up the elephant's penis.
The moral of the story: You don't need a mercedes if you have a big dick!
10 Worst Jobs Ever
Back To Top10 Worst Jobs Ever 10. Lifeguard at the Sewage Treatment Plant
9. Door-to Door Live Walrus Salesmen
8. Street Mime in the South Bronx
7. Freelance Speed Bump
6. Bill Collector for Dr. Kevorkian
5. On-Set Tutor, Hee Haw hometown
4. Guy at One-Hour Photo Place Who Had to Develop Roseanne's Birthing Photos
3. Minority Recruitor, Aryan Nation
2. Dunk-Tank Clown in Roger Clemens's
1. Spotter, Fat Guy Olympics
Crazy Cuckoo
Back To TopSoon after I got married, I was invited out for a night with "the boys. " I told the wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, at around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12
o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that
one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her
why, she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'Oh, f#$$,' cuckooed
4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
and finally cuckooed twice more before it farted."
Adam and Eve Joke
Back To TopAfter the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.
One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
Great Bumper Stickers
Back To TopImpotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
"Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point."
If That Phone Was Up Your Ass, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That.
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
Constipated people don't give a shit.
If you drink, don't park--accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Honk If You Love Rear End Collisions!
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
The Earth is Full, Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
Boldly going nowhere
CAT: The other white meat
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.