The boy's father returns, and his mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.
"That's the elephant's trunk, son," his father answers.
"Dad, I know what a trunk is. What's the thing down there?"
His father looks and says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."
"Dad," the boy says, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
His father takes a deep breath and explains, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A wiseacre student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out."
"Take your thumb off the end!!"
A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning Irving wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife Esther crying.
So the husband enquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."
Irving smiles his biggest smile and says "There, there sweety! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast".
So off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook"
Again Irving smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride, Esther, sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"
The new bride replies, "Warming up your supper!"
A young intern is being shown around the hospital where he will be doing his tour of duty. The doctor who is giving the tour decides to show the young upstart the "special" wing of the hospital where all of the bizarre and odd ailments are treated. The two men enter the first room on the ward and witness a man standing in the corner jacking-off like a crazed fool.
The intern stands there, jaw agape, and asks what ails this man. The wise, old doctor replies, "This man has a strange imbalance that causes him to produce about ten times the normal amount of sperm and if he doesn't relieve himself at least three times a day, it could result in very serious testicular trauma."
The intern, still in shock, reluctantly shrugs it off and the two men move on. Upon entering the second room, they witness a man laying on his bed, spread-eagle, getting a blowjob from a beautiful young nurse. The intern again asks what the hell is going on and the doctor replies simply, "Same ailment, better health plan."
The reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Wisconsin town. One day he was walking down Main Street when he saw a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked in and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald", the reverend said sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sshhure," she slurred, obviously drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up she began to weave back and forth. The reverend grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Hey buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in my bar." The reverend looked up and said, "But, you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well alright, if you're that far, you may as well finish."