Geenie The Sermon What an Ass! New Techique Subject: Dirty Jokes Sign of the Times Conditioned Proposal Smokin' Old Lady Harley a Contest The Chicken and the Egg Subject: Government Studies Something to Look Forward To LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
A seventy-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, shaking and sobbing.
A young man walks by and asks him, "What seems to be the problem?"
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At
lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a
break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we
make love."
The old man breaks down, sobbing, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you
crying?"
The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
A guy and his wife are out golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course. On each side of the fairway are milloin dollar plus homes. As they tee off the guy tells his wife to be very careful to hit the ball straight, so as to not hit the houses. She tees off and sure enough she slices the ball and the ball goes right through a plate glass window in one of the houses. Damn, the guy says, we better go tell the guy what happened. They walk up to the door and ring the bell and a guy answers the door in silk pajamas. Hi, the husband says, I'm sorry about your window. The guy in the pajamas says, don't worry about it, you did me a favor. I'm a genie and your ball hit my lamp and freed me from my imprisonment, so to show my gratitude, I'm gonna grant each one of you one wish. What would you like he says to the wife. She says, I would like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. Fine, says the genie, consider it done. Next he says to the husband, what would you like? The husband says, well, now that we have a lot of money, I would like a nice house in every country in the world, so when we travel, we have a nice place to stay. Consider it done, says the genie, but first there's one condition. What's that says the husband? I have to fuck your wife, says the genie. The husband looks at his wife and says, what do you think honey? Well, she says, it's a lot of money, why not? They proceed to go upstairs. The genie fucks her real hard, she moans and yells, and finally the genie cums and says to to the wife, by the way maam, how old is your husband? Forty three she says, why do you ask? The genie says, HMMMM and he still believes in genies??????
A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick", and I could hardly control myself. BUT---when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I laughed out loud."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week. (hole weak)
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for a while, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue (obviously in serious respiratory distress)
One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?"
"You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said,
"Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked,
"Can you breathe?" She again shook her head no.
With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work"
A beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of a huge, global, international bank was assigned the task of taking a very rich Taiwanese client on a sight-seeing tour of her fair city.
Not long after they had begun the tour, the client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,"Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "I cut. I cut."
A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "...and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".
The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off"
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in condoms, but he asked her, "What size do you want?
The old lady thought for a minute and then said, "One that will fit a Camel!"
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.