Clinton/Gone 97

Rich Wheeler's
Semi-original Humor Page

Mom always said,

Tile and the World Tiles With You!

You'll read just about anything for a laugh, won't you?

(Created sometime before September 1996; -- Last modified: 17 April 1999)

The Nature of Humor

Crudeness may be funny by virtue (if you will excuse the irony of the term) of its cleverness, but it is cleverness, rather than crudeness, which carries the power of humor. A jokester who is unable to be clever without being crude is weak and unimaginative. I used to like Jay Leno because, early in his career, his material was clean. Jay has a sensitivity to the absurdities of life. It did not normally rely on shock. Shock uses unexpected offense to tickle the funnybone. It is more creative to surprize one's audience with absurdity or with a tie between seemingly unconnected subjects where none is expected.

When is crudeness excusable? When when it is unintentional, or when there is no expectation that young or sensitive persons might be offended. For example, in one of the Naked Gun movies, Lt. Drebbin wears a hot lapel mic into the restroom. An entire banquet roomful of dignitaries including the mayor and the Queen of England is treated to Drebbin's very private noises. To some people, the noises are funny, in and of themselves. Perhaps, but that does not make the film's crudeness excusable. What turns a crude joke into hilarious slapstick is the embarassment of the diners and the witless innocence of Drebbin. In addition, the film has a PG-13 rating (I think), so anyone who might be offended shouldn't have the occassion to be offended.

I suppose that my worst complaint about Rush Limbaugh is that listening to him has desensitized me to a lot of material that used to put a bad taste in my mouth. For example, his Bungee Condoms parody ads punch holes in the way liberals have made an icon out of those C-things. The topic is crude, but it consitutes an important message in response to a ubiquitous social and political problem. Yet, in the process, Rush has achieved more in a few years than Planned Parenthood has achieved in its entire history toward PP's goal of desensitizing the adult public to open discussion of reproductive topics. Their theory is that such desensitization will make people less inhibited about obtaining and using contraceptive aids. Unfortunately, in pursuing that goal, they have also made people less inhibited about getting into situations where such aids become necessary -- which partly explains the rise in rates of reproductive activity and pregnancy wherever PP's methods are used in the public schools!

You may have comments on humor, standards, whether I've crossed the line.... I'd love to hear from you after you've looked my pages over. (In fact, such a discussion might have more lasting value than the jokes!)

Also, this page (as with all my pages) constitutes exercises in HTML. On this page, I've introduced myself to tables and embedded lists.

So.... The material on this page is intended for a mature, insensitive, and calloused audience. Although I don't think there are any materials here that a TV censor would not pass, there's a lot on TV that I wouldn't expose my child to. Junior, if I catch you reading the stuff below, I'm telling your mom!

Dog Haiku

(17 April 1999)

Top Ten Lessons from the First Week of September '97

WARNING: Not for Di-hards.
(09 September 1997)

20-plus Ways to Annoy Your Public Restroom Neighbor

WARNING: For crude guys only.
Contains intensively adolescent crudeness.
(24 Sept. 97)

Humor to Gogh

From: Miller, William
To: Wheeler, Richard
Sent: Tuesday, June 17, 1997 2:13 PM
Subject: Personnel Identification

Richard -

Got this from David Sockol today.

Thot you might enjoy it too

-- Bill Miller


The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...
U. Gogh

The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white ...
Hue Gogh

The real obnoxious brother ...
Please Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ...
Gotta Gogh

The uncle who worked at a convenience store ...
Stop N. Gogh

His dizzy aunt ...
Verti Gogh

His domineering aunt...
Vira Gogh

The cousin who moved to Illinois ...
Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ...
Wherediddy Gogh

The cousin who lived in Mexico ...
Amee Gogh

Who called his American relatives ...
Grin Gogh

The nephew that drove a stage coach ...
Wells Far Gogh

The uncle who was constipated ...
Cant Gogh

The aunt who loved ballroom dancing ...
Tan Gogh

His ornithologist uncle ...
Flamin Gogh

His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyst ...
E. Gogh

His cousin who loved tropical fruits ...
Mang Gogh

And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking...
Whey Too Gogh

His bouncy young nephew ...
Poe Gogh

His Disco-loving sister ...
Go Gogh

His Italian uncle ...
Day Gogh

And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van...
Winnie Bay Gogh

and I added... the two famous Mexican crusaders for justice…
Panch and Cis. Gogh

From: Wheeler, Richard
To: Miller, William
Subject: RE: Personnel Identification
Date: Wednesday, June 18, 1997 1:45PM


Don't forGogh to credit the other relatives and namesakes...

The famous map maker...
Ameri Gogh

The wholesale merchandiser...
Cost Gogh

The great tenor...
Domin Gogh

The alter-ego of Zorro...
Dondi A. Gogh

The champion ballroom dancers...
F. and Dan Gogh

The extremely large cinema built on his estate...
Goo Gogh Plex

The president of Viet Nam...
Gogh Chi Minh

Where the lodge members get tanked...
Al Gogh Hall

The algoghholic lodge member's wife...
Gogh dependent

The Japanese monster...
Gogh Jilla

The vice president...
Albert Gogh, Jr.

The Gogh-President

The NASA yes-man...
Roger Will Gogh

The Biblical hero who survived the furnace...
Abedni Gogh

The myopic cartoon character...
Mr. Mah Gogh

The investigative reporter and talk show host...
Gerald Gogh

The literate Indian sidekick of Dan'l Boone...
Ming Gogh

The home of Tarzan...
Cong Gogh

The rock star...
Ring Gogh

The Chinese historian...
Long-Long Ah Gogh

The nineteenth century writer...
Henry David Thor Gogh

The Secretary of the Army...
Toe Gogh West

The editor's apprentice...
Gogh West Youngman...

The dorky traveller...
Wares Wall Gogh

The founder of Scottish town ...
Glass Gogh

The City...
San Francis Gogh

The Alaskan town...
Ann Gogh Ridge

The oil millionaire...
Ahr Gogh

The conservationist...
Lettit Gogh

The blues singer...
Indy Gogh

The signing gorilla...

The uniformed scam artist...
Sgt. Bill Gogh

The defeated commie...

The crazy aunt...

The dancer...
Mr. Bo Jan Gogh

The self-help author...
Lettier Selfa Gogh

The computer musician's style...
Al Gogh rhythm

When the computer musician plays reeeal slowwwww...
Larr Gogh

The Marx brother ...
Chic Gogh

The actor on the Third Rock from the Sun...
John Lith Gogh

The banker...
Wells Farr Gogh

The belly dancer from...
Moroc Gogh

The deli owner...
Togh Gogh

Mr. Darwin's laboratory...
Gallapi Gogh

A lizard not necessarily from the Gallapi Goghs...
Gogh Modo Dragon

Vincent's pet lizard
Gek Gogh

Perry White's spooks ...
Great Caesar's Goghs

The stubborn uncle...
Billy Gogh

The Father of Mexican Independence...
Miguel Hidal Gogh

Vincent's spicy tartar recipe...
Two Bass Gogh sauce

The homeless nephew...
Jerry Gogh (his walls fell down)

The home of Vincent's fan club...
Gogh Gogh Moe, IN

The Asian country where they pray to Vincent...

The divine marsupial...
Gogh-Allah bear

Where they burn their coffee beans...
Gogh Na Coast

The official cheer of the Playboy volleyball team...
"Gogh Nads!"

Vincent's cousin, the bookbinder ...
Ac Gogh

Vincent's love (who wanted a wealthier husband)...
Gogh digger

Vincent's lazy assistant...
Gogh bricker

Vincent's beard
Gogh Tee

The artistic Bond villain
Gogh finger

Buck Rogers' enemy
Mon Gogh

And last (but by no means final)... The painter's dog...
Bing Gogh

From: Miller, William
Sent: Wednesday, June 18, 1997 2:06 PM
To: Wheeler, Richard
Subject: RE: Personnel Identification

Richard -

Shouldn't Gogh on anymore like this.


From: Wheeler, Richard
Sent: Wednesday, June 18, 1997 2:25 PM
To: Miller, William
Subject: RE: RE: Personnel Identification


Yes, 'tis turning into a fias-gogh, and it could gogh on forever.


The Media

Adverteasing and Other Press Ink Matters

  • See, touch and compare over 300 of the Automotive Industry's latest models. (San Jose International Auto Show; S.J. Mercury-News, 10 Jan 97, p. 6D)

  • Yes. I recently spoke pubicly to this on _Meet the Press_. (Jack Kemp, in a re-typed magazine article circulated by Indiana Citizens for Life) [At least the story doesn't have Kemp taking a pubic stand... or doing any pubicity stunts.]

  • Today's heat is being held at least partly responsible for [yesterday's] power outage. (Ch. 10, Sacramento, 11:00 News, 11 Aug 96)

  • People are stirring around as a vehicle was observed slowly passing the building twice. The vehicle is a white Aerosmith van, with a slightly overweight woman with blond curly hair wearing a sweatshirt inside. From, found by Steve Ertelt. 9 Aug. 96. [Two questions: What were the people stirring? Can we assume the woman's sweatshirt was not emblazened with the Ford logo?

  • Impotence Home Page ...dedicated to raising awareness and understanding about mail impotence. [from Computer Currents magazine]

  • "Remember, that for every pint of blood donated could extend someone's life for an extra day or a little longer."
    (From a Lockheed-Martin mailer recruiting blood donors.) [A pint a day, that's all we ask.]

  • Bishop vows to expel dissenters
    (San Jose Mercury-News) [Well, he shouldn't have ingested them in the first place!]

  • The items that we order ... cannot afford to be replaced.
    (From a Lockheed-Martin memo on missing office items.)

  • We have stocked our areas several times over and things keep turning up missing....
    (From a Lockheed-Martin memo on missing office items.)

Headlines Announcing the End of the World

I heard this on the radio. Not knowing shorthand, I didn't get it down on paper, so I re-created what I could remember and made up the rest. Salutes to the original writer.

One day, Michael the angel visited various editors to warn them that God would destroy the world with fire in forty days, unless at least 10% of the people calling themselves Christans actually received the gospel as God had already defined it in the Bible.
Over the next few weeks, the following headlines and openers were used by the media outlets:

New York Times

World to End - details on page C33

Wall Street Journal

World to End - Bull Market turns Bear

Washington Post

World to End - Women, Blacks, Minorities Hit Hardest

Chicago Tribune

World to End - Cubs Season Bleak

San Francisco Chronicle

World to End - Will Homophobes Stop at Nothing?

ABC World News Tonight

You might want to call in sick tomorrow....

The Limbaugh Letter

World to End - See, I told you so!

American Spectator

World to End - LA Times Sits on Story

The Web


From Anu Garg's A Word A Day
Last update: 3 November 97
Roger G. may have stumbled on a new approach to building the world's longest e-mail address.
Beth works for a business called Elipsis.
James Cronin of Magdalen College, Oxford -- Oscar Wilde was an alumnus there
Name Unknown

Yulun Liu
Some geek name Steve Riggins
Hartmut Haberland
Jarkko Nieminen
Name Unknown (I always wondered who 'Anonymous' was; now I can even e-mail him!)
Daniel Lee

This address contains all the letters from English alphabet, except jkqxz.
Beree Gleaves
August Flassig
Eddie Tom
Jan L. Plass
Darin Stumme
Wai Kuen Wong

Este_ritmo_agita_poco_a_poco__Tiene_pica_pica_y_ tambien_saoco__Porque_ha_nacido_del_vientre_del_ caribe__Y_el_mundo_recibe__Todo_el_calor_que_ trae._El_Son_Montuno.__VIVELO_Y_BAILA_ESTE_
Curent longest -- and most macho -- address - 206 characters.

hi_this_is_the_email_address_of_scott_raymond_ who_now_really_has_the_longest_email_address_ in_the_world_just_to_beat_kevin_ballard_ so_there_neener_neener_ha_ha_poo_poo_icky_icky_
Previous longest address - 204 characters. (Obviously an insecure male making a vulgar attempt to be the longest... but now just a few strokes short.)
Tied for shortest address on Anu's list - 6 characters -- Made up of only three alphanumeric characters: 5, t, and o. '.to' means Tonga.
Tied for shortest address on Anu's list - 6 characters -- Made up of only three letters, s, t, and o. '.to' means Tonga.
Maurice Weitman -- Also made up of only three letters: c, m and o. -- --
Three addresses previously tied for shortest at 8 characters each.
Michael Wiesenberg
Robert van Weperen

The shortest e-mail address in the world:
(Really! It's shortest, because Bill Clinton has zero characters.)

Famous hacker pick-up lines

  • Want to go back to my place and see my CD-ROMs?
  • Hi. I'm a dot com. What's your domain?
  • Would you like to code some objects together?
  • Mind if I set my mouse on your pad?
  • Ya' know, they say old UNIX administrators never die;
    they just get a GNU body.
  • (Groan) Would you mind massaging my carpal tunnels?
  • How would you like to help decompress my JPEGs?
  • My page or yours?
  • Ooo, you really click on my buttons!
  • Hi. Could I get you another link?
  • Calm down, don't get so hyperlinked.
  • I'm kinda sad. I just broke up with my URL friend.

Hillary and the Piggy Prince

Richard Wheeler, 27 Sept. 96

Hillary and Chelsea were walking in a Little Rock park one day when a piggie suddenly ran out in front of them, saying, "Kiss me, I'm a prince! A witch cast a spell on me, turning me into a piggy until I get four kisses. Kiss me so I can turn back into a prince!" Chelsea rushed to the talking piggie-prince and gave him a peck on the snout, but Hillary ordered Chelsea to stop, and to tie a rope that was lying nearby around the piggy's neck.

The piggy said, "Hey lady! Let the young lady kiss me three more times and turn me back into a prince, and I'll marry her if she wants." Chelsea gave the piggy another smack, but Hillary told her to stop, and then smiled as she jerked the leash and re-started their walk.

Again the piggy interrupted, saying, "Please lady! Let your daughter kiss me two more times and turn me back into a prince, and I'll do anything you want." Chelsea gave the piggy a third kiss. And again, Hillary told her to stop, and then smiled as she yanked on the leash and re-started their walk.

"Chelsea," said Hillary sternly, "No more kisses." She looked at Chelsea's big pleading eyes and said, "No! Just don't do it!"

The piggy now pleaded, saying, "Please! Have mercy, lady! Just one more kiss to turn me back into a prince! I'll do anything you want, and my family will give you a million dollar reward. Please!"

This time, Hillary smiled at the piggy on the leash and then said to Chelsea, "Rich princes are OK, and a talking piggy is interesting; but keeping a man on a leash and begging for more, now, that's happiness!"

Corporate Life

From: Wheeler, Richard
To: West, George
Subject: new cubicle.
Date: Thursday, June 06, 1996 9:19AM


Thanks for the help 

I'm going to have to 
trash a lot of my 
stuff to fit in here.

It's so tight in this 
new cube, I had to 
set these margins 
for a 1.5" page width.

It's so tight in this 
new cube, there's 
only enough room 
to fan myself with 
a post-it note.

It's so tight in this 
new cube, I can only 
blink one eye at a 

It's so tight in this 
new cube, I have to 
type with one finger.

It's so tight in this 
new cube, I have to 
drink my coffee from 
a straw... 
and stir it with a 
paper clip.

It's so tight in this 
new cube, Mickey's 
hands are stuck on 
6:30, and the 
twitching as he 
tries to go forward 
is...  embarrassing.

It's so tight in this 
new cube, the 
bookshelf has room 
enough for only one 
book end.

It's so tight in this 
new cube, a knee-
jerk reaction is a 
good way to get hurt.

It's so tight in this 
new cube, last time 
I hiccuped, my feet 
kicked the guy across 
the aisle.

It's so tight in this 
new cube, I have to 
listen to my Walkman 
stereo, one ear at a 

It's so tight in this 
new cube, I had to 
dream up these 
half-witticisms just 
like the big guy, 
with half my brains 
tied behind my 

It's so tight in this 
new cube, my nostrils 
have to take turns 

It's so tight in this 
new cube, I have to 
turn my mouse side-
ways to use it.

In fact, it's so tight 
in this new cube, even 
David Duke has a wider 

I don't mean to whine.
It's not really so bad 
having such a tight 
cube.  Now I can 
scratch my back with 
either foot.

From: Shapiro, Terry, L., DSC/RCSI
To: Wheeler, Richard
Subject: RE: Moved to new cube.
Date: Friday, June 07, 1996 7:30AM

Hey Ditto Bud,

Those "witties" are pretty good!

How about these:

This cube is so tight,
I don't have room to change my mind.

This cube is so tight,
if I jumped up in the air
I'd get stuck.

This cube is so tight,
if I were visited by the
President, he'd have to
leave one of his two faces

Maybe more later...............


- - - - - - - -


Ooooooh!  That 
last one was 
incisive!  But 
please repeat the 
first two, I missed 
them because they 
scrolled by before I 
could get my 
elbow out of my 

Thanks for keeping 
them short.  This 
cube is so tight, 
there's only 
enough room on 
the screen for 

This cube is so tight,
I got a bloody dose 
from coughing when I 
bumped it on my knee.

This cube is so tight, 
the wall-to-wall 
carpet doubles as 
my mouse pad.  

This cube is so tight, 
if Hillary were to sit 
here, she'd have to 
pick one sex or the 

This cube is so tight, 
if Janet Reno sat here, 
she'd no longer need 
her jockstrap.

This cube is so tight, 
it gives new meaning 
to the phrase, "when 
east meets west."

This cube is so tight, 

Theodore Kazynski 
wouldn't live here.

This cube is so tight, 
when I burped, I 
almost suffocated.

This cube is so tight, 
I can only use e-mail 
because there's no 
room for paper.

This cube is so tight, 
the ink squirted out 
of my Bic when I tried 
to squeeze through 
the door with it.

This cube is so tight, 
a visitor mistook 
my pencils for 

This cube is so tight, 
if this were an F-15, 
I wouldn't need a 

This cube is so tight, 
when my fan died, I 
had to find a new fly.

This cube is so tight, 
I have to decompress 
45 minutes when I 

This cube is so tight, 
some kid walked up 
to me and asked, 
"May I please have 
your autograph, Mr. 

This cube is so tight, 
it's easy to 
concentrate because 
nearby conversations 
are masked by the 
termites' eating in 
the walls.


Does Fed-STD-595 have a paint chip number for this color?

From: Wheeler, Richard
To: aa G. Gordon Liddy
Subject: Does Fed-STD-595 have a paint chip number for this color?
Date: Monday, June 10, 1996 10:06PM

During the summer between undergraduate and law school, 
Hillary Rodham worked as an intern for a feminist law firm.  
First day on the job, the boss gave Hillary and her new 
officemate paint, trays, rollers, and brushes to paint the room 
that was going to be their office and told them that the movers 
would be moving their new furniture into the office the next day.

Hillary and her officemate had a problem.  
They had both come to their first day of work dressed to 
impress.  After conferring about their dilemma for a while, 
the two young feminists decided to lock the door of the room, 
stow their $630 and $450 suits, and do the painting wearing 
just their underwear.  To appreciate this fully, one must recall 
that this was during the sixties, when no self-respecting 
feminist would have been caught wearing a bra.  

Well into the project, a knock at the door interrupted the 
giggling painters.  Never one to wait to see who would take 
charge, Hillary confidently called out, 

"Whom is it?"  

"Blind man," replied a masculine voice from the other side 
of the door.

The two buff women watched each others' blushes recede, 
and, wondering what a sight-impaired man was doing 
in this barrister's bastion of feminist belligerence, 
decided to open the door -- after all, no harm could 
come from letting a blind man into the room.

So after one more question to verify that the man was alone, 
they opened the door.  "This women's lib stuff ain't so bad," 
said the man at the door; "say, uh, could I help you put up 
these blinds?"

- - - - -

Yes, before you jail me for  plagiarism, I confess!  
I re-worked this from the old joke about two nuns 
protecting their habits.  
I'm glad I did it, and I'd do it again! 

  -- Richard from Sunnyvale


If you made it this far without getting totally tweeked out of shape...

Here it is!

The Verrrry Scarey Story
that Had a Happy Ending!

Sweet Homepage

© 1996, 1997, 1999 Richard Wheeler

Dave's producer should mail comments to: