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Death from the Ov!
     A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may BREAK DOWN THE OZONE!

     When are we going to do something about the dread threat of bread-induced global-warming?! Sure, we attack aerosol sprays and tobacco companies and gun manufacturers, but when is the government going to continue the People's Business and go after BIG BREAD?

     Consider these facts:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread-users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
      households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
      average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates
      were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases
      such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
      And there was no cable TV!
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours
      of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that
      as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a full grown
      mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of
      cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, osteoporosis and
      carpal-tunnel syndrome.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
      given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food-item, leading the user to harder items
      such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even Twinkies!
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
      than 90 percent water, it logically follows that eating bread could lead
      to your body being taken over by this nefariously absorptive
      food-product and turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding kind of
      person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
      kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread-eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
      significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

     In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we
      might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
      to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with
      celebrity TV spots and bumper-stickers.
6. A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread-manufacturers.

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