SUNSHINE GUN LAWS
(A Parody)
by Alan Korwin and Mark Moritz



Battle Hymn Of The Republic

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     Sunshine Gun Laws seek to protect and affirm peoples’ rights to arms.  They put a new face on the gun debate.  Such laws are an alternative to the withering onslaught of non-stop rights-infringing unconstitutional bafflegab many people have grown accustomed to.  They are a refreshing return to the spirit and vitality that founded this nation.

     A virtual manifesto of these new gun control laws is about to be introduced in the U.S. House of Representatives for the current legislative session, according to certain unnamed expert witnesses.

     The bills range from gun-safety training subsidies to tax credits for citizen preparedness.  They include attacks on allegedly racist gun laws that tend to limit firearm ownership to an elite upper class in America.  One such bill, the proposed Poor Man’s Gun Ban Ban, is a response to a proposal by Rep. Barbara Boxer (D-Ca.), who is trying to make only large, expensive guns legal.

     The following legislation will be introduced in the House shortly, according to our high-ranking, usually reliable, unnamed sources.




     Poor Man’s Gun Ban Ban

Congress shall make no law to restrict a person who may drive an inexpensive car, watch an inexpensive TV or eat inexpensive food, from buying an inexpensive gun.  It is the belief of this Congress that a family living in a slum has as much right to protect itself as homeowners in suburbia.




     Higher Education Safety Training Initiative

Under this program, any state whose state university offers classes in women’s and men’s self-defense techniques, firearms safety training, and crime avoidance, will continue to receive its federal highway funds.




     Domestic Abuse Intervention Program

This offers free defensive shooting training for any person who has obtained a court order of protection against another person.  Includes free loaner-gun, accessories and supply of ammunition.  Anyone protected under such an order is declared exempt from any firearm waiting periods, as guaranteed under the Brady law (18 USC §922 (s)(1)(b), for people who are under a serious threat.




     Presumption of Innocence Act

If a person who has obtained a court order of protection shoots the person against whom the order is issued, and the shooting occurs within the protective zone prescribed by the order, there is an automatic legal presumption that the shooting is justified as self defense.




     Ammo Stamps for the Indigent

The nation’s poor need firearms safety training as much as any other part of the populace.  This bill would subsidize ammunition for training and defensive use, for people below the federal poverty line.




     Affirmative Action for Concealed-Handgun Permits

Arguing that carry permits discriminate against the poor, and that the ultimate goal is to disarm minorities who cannot obtain the costly permits, this bill, (considered by some experts to have an unlikely chance of passage), calls for unfunded federal mandates to ensure diversity in permit issuance.




     The American Historical Rights Protection Act

Basically, this says if a person has a gun, the person isn’t a criminal, and the gun isn’t illegal, then that is not a crime, and there are no grounds for arrest or harassment, based solely on the presence of firearms.




     Record Keeping Requirements for Justifiable Homicide

Legitimate self defense is no crime, and as a result, the countless cases that occur go unreported in most statistical work. This bill requires full data acquisition and disclosure of events where firearms are used righteously.




     National Safety Training Affidavit

To encourage education and safety, anyone who can produce documents indicating they have received firearms safety training, will be granted a 2% deduction on their current year’s income tax.  The size of the deduction increases as certificates for subsequent years are filed.  The cost of the training is, of course, also deductible.




     Work Relief Training Incentive

Paid time-off from work for concealed-handgun carry training and marksmanship qualification is provided in this bill.  Qualified marksman receive preferential treatment for other government services.




     Sportsmanlike Conduct

An ammunition and range building subsidy to encourage and enable wholesome inter-scholastic shooting competition.




     Federally Funded Shooting Range Program

Numerous federally funded indoor and outdoor ranges, operated under contract by private enterprise, provide a clean, safe, wholesome environment for enjoyment of the shooting sports, and emergency preparedness.




     Politician and Citizen Equity Act

Any actions taken by any politicians with respect to their own safety or ability to keep and bear arms, or to be protected from harm by others, shall apply equally to every other American.  The federal employees protection act, 18 USC 1114, which makes it a greater crime to attack a federal employee than a regular citizen, is repealed.  We’re in the same boat, brother.




     Federal Provision of Firearms to Qualified Public Recipients

This is essentially under way, although haltingly, with the Civilian Marksmanship Program, and gets a boost here with new funding.




     How to Field Strip Basic Personal Weapons, Grades K thru 12.

The Iraqis, we are told in the news, train their school kids and moms to shoot AK-47s.  Why should they benefit from training our families don’t get?




     Designated Defense Attorney

In the wake of lethal hostilities against attorneys, a tax credit will be provided to all law firms that have a designated lawyer marksman on site, trained for armed response should the need arise.




     Designated School-Incident Response Team

This law may be referred to as "The Gun Proof School Zones Act." In the wake of wildly violent and premeditated atrocities at schools, teachers will all be trained in self-defense techniques, with a core of educators, or at the school board’s discretion, a team of professionals, on site at any time school grounds are occupied, prepared for tactical response to armed attacks.  The successful model set by the Israelis, which has all but eliminated terrorist attacks on schools there, shall be used as a framework.




     Safety Training Recognition Act

Any organization that trains more than 10,000 individuals in the safe and proper use of firearms shall be eligible for a grant, which may be used in the study of more effective ways to teach safe and proper use of firearms.  Any individual who personally trains more than 100 people shall be eligible for a similar grant.




     School Recertification Program

Any school seeking to maintain certification with any nationally recognized school certification body, shall, as a prerequisite to scholastic certification, include in its curriculum a minimum of one beginner, one intermediate and one advanced class in firearms safety and proper use of firearms.




     Non-Crime Protection Plan

A person must do something inherently wrong before being held guilty of committing a crime.  Possession of private property, in the absence of any directly harmful-to-others mitigating circumstances, is not illegal.




     City Limits Law

No city or other jurisdictional body shall make any law regulating guns within its area of jurisdiction that fails in any way to comply with constitutional guarantees.




     Antiquated Excise Tax Repeal

The excise taxes on firearms, in place since the 1930s and no longer justifiable, are repealed.




     Surplus Ammo Dispensation Program

The Pentagon, acknowledging that it makes—and then destroys more ammunition than it uses, will begin giving dated batches of small arms munitions to America’s private and public ranges, for free on-range use.




     Frivolous Suit Protection Plan

Any group that is found to have frivolously sued another party in an effort to subordinate constitutional guarantees shall be liable for attorneys fees and treble damages.




     Ethnic Cleansing Eradication Initiative

This law may be referred to as "The Balance of Power Act".  The policy of the United States is to help arm people and their governments against threats to their national or personal safety.  Funding for the arming of foreign government authorities shall not take place without commensurate arming of the civilian populations from whom those governments receive their moral authority to exist and serve.  In enacting this important law, the Congress recognizes that the overwhelming cause of inflicted deaths among innocent individuals is not from crime, passion or wackos, but from savagery inflicted by government, or in its name.  The wisdom of providing a means for defending against such unprincipled viciousness is self-evident, and in doing so, we live up to the principles the founding fathers envisioned for the peoples of our own precious nation.




     Study of Global Gun Prohibitionist Activities

There shall be made available the sum of $210 million per year for a five-year study on gun-repression and any related despotic actions, of all governments of the world, with respect to the availability of arms to the people of the world. No nation shall be declared democratic, and cloaked with the respectability of a dignified government, unless its people enjoy protections equal to or greater than the U.S. Bill of Rights.




     Federal Firearms Policy, Part I

The United States believes that a totally disarmed world, without weapons of any kind in anyone’s hands, in an age of true enlightenment, global prosperity and enduring peace, would be nice. Until such time, the United States stands for global disarmament, bad guys first.  When all the bad guys are certifiably disarmed, come talk to the rest of us.  Every effort that disarms bad guys has the unwavering support of this country. Any measure that tends to disarm honest people, or restrict their ability to keep and bear arms, is contrary to the purposes of the United States, and is null and void.  Any politician who proposes disarming the public, even incrementally, while leaving arms in the hands of the government or criminals, shall be subject to prosecution for contempt of Constitution.

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