“Carter, I’m scared.” Abby squeezed his hand tight as she lay on the operating table.

“Don’t worry, I’m here, everything will be fine.”

Carter bend down and kissed her forehead then looked up at the doctor. His voice was shaky, his hand was trembling. The reassuring words for the doctors and nurses that everything was normal didn’t help at all. All he could think was that his baby was in danger and his wife was scared.

“Knife” he head the doctor call.

Carter felt Abby’s grip tighten but could do nothing but stare at the medical team over the green fabric partition. So many times had he treated patients that he forgot what it was like to be on the other side. Last time he was in a situation like this, he thought, he was the one lying on the table. Unconscious bleeding to death. It was worse now, being perfectly well but not being able to do a damn thing to help.

“Carter, what’s happening? What can you see?” Abby asked him and he struggled to focus his mind to answer her, scared that hearing the concern in his voice would do nothing to calm her anxiety.

There was a gush as Abby’s water broke. “You have a daughter” the nurse told them.

Yeah, we knew that, Carter thought. How is she?

Abby smiled up at Carter. “Our first baby” she said, lifting her hand to his face. “I love you.”

“I love you too” Carter said, looking into her eyes. Carter stopped, suddenly realising what was happening.

“Why isn’t she crying?” he asked quickly, as if the urgency in his voice would some how make things OK.

“Just a minute Dr. Carter, we’re doing everything we can.”

Carter turned back to Abby. “Are you OK?” the moment he had said that he realised how stupid it sounded. Abby too had realised that everything was not alright.

“I’m fine Carter” she said, trying to sound brave but he could see the salty tears well up in her eyes underneath the fluorescent lighting.

“No you’re not” Carter said, leaning over on his stool and wrapping his arms around her. “I won’t let anything happen to either of you.”

“Carter please, go check on Erin.”

She smiled at him as she stood up and he nodded, understanding. Carter walked over to the cot by the window where 2 nurses were working on his little girl.

“Come on little one, just breathe for me…” one of the nurses urged.

“Please God, don’t let anything happen to her.” He walked over to them and stood over his daughter, stroking her little hand with his thumb as they administered oxygen and kept checking her vitals. One of the nurses was about to tell him to move away but the other stopped her.

Carter closed his eyes to try and hold back tears. “I love you honey” he thought, as if she could hear his thoughts.

“She’s breathing” one of the nurses said a second before cries filled the air and Carter could hear the joy in her voice.

He opened his eyes to see his gorgeous baby daughter moving in front of him and fighting to get her breath.

“It’s ok baby” he said, “daddy’s here.” A huge grin spread across his face, he never wanted to take his eyes of this little bundle of joy ever again.

“Abby” he called, still looking down at his daughter. “Abby, she’s OK.”

He lifted his head to see Abby’s eyes slowly close. “Abby!” he screamed, and at that moment, Carter’s new found happiness was shattered.

“Pressure’s dropping, 90 over 70”

“Abby!” The baby’s cries still filled the air but all Carter could focus on was Abby’s unconscious body. He wanted to rush over to her and pull her into a hug but he was rooted to the spot.

“She must be haemorrhageing, pass me a clamp! Now!!”

“Dr. Carter do you want to step outside?” Carter felt someone grip his shoulder but barely registered that they were talking to him.

“No, I want to stay with her.”

“We’re taking your baby to NICU now, why don’t you come. We’ll do everything we can for your wife, I promise.”

Promises meant nothing, he of all people should know that the amount of times he had spoken those words to families of those who were dying.

“No!” he yelled, struggling free of the woman’s grasp. “Abby!”

* * *

“Dr. Carter? Is everything OK?”

Carter walked through the ER in a daze and Neela looked up from her charts at he admin desk as he walked out of the double doors into the ambulance bay. She got up and tried to follow him.

“You’re needed in trauma 1” someone yelled at her and all she could do was watch him as he turned the corner onto the rainy street.

“Be right there.” She blinked and put her pen back into her pocket. “Dr. Lewis?” she said, as noticed her coming out of the lounge. “Is Dr. Carter alright? I thought Abby was having their baby.”

“She is” Susan said, looking worried. “Why?”

“Because I just saw him walk out the door.”

* * *

Susan sighed, fighting back tears. She spotted Carter sitting on the bench by the river, staring out through the rain at the bright lights on the other side of the city. Carter was sitting there only in his T-shirt. He was wet through but didn’t seem to care. He just stared into thin air like there were no thoughts passing through his brain at all.

She approached him cautiously, sensing that the man wanted to be alone. But she couldn’t leave him, not after knowing what had happened.

“Hey, you must be freezing.” She took the blanket she had brought and wrapped it round him but he hardly moved a muscle.

“She’s dead Susan,” he said after a few minutes, but there was no emotion in his voice.

“I know” Susan said, close to tears and sat down next to him on the bench. He turned to face her.

“I proposed to Abby here you know” he said, staring wistfully into the water below. “We were so happy, and now…” Susan laid her hand on his back and sighed. She didn’t speak, just listened as he spoke these words. “It’s where I first told her how I felt, it’s where she told me she was pregnant. We’ve had the most important moments of our lives together here, I can’t believe she’ll never…” his voice trailed off to barely a whisper.

Susan didn’t know what to say, reality was setting in for her now and all she wanted to do was collapse in tears. But she couldn’t. She had lost her best friend but Carter had lost his wife, the woman he loved. She couldn’t begin to imagine how that felt.

She turned Carter’s head to look at her and all she saw I his eyes was black. All the sparkle had drained out of his face. It was as if he had no more reason to live. She wanted Carter to cry, anything. Just to reassure her that he was still there. But all he did was stare numbly back at her.

“I don’t know what to do Susan…”

Susan took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. “I do” she said, “we’re going to walk back to the hospital, get an elevator up to maternity and you’re going to walk in that NICU and be with your daughter.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Yes you can.” Susan wasn’t sure if tough love was what Carter needed right now but she had to snap him out of it. She felt terrible for not giving him time to grieve but she had no choice. “You can, because you have to. There’s a little girl up there who’s lost her mother before she even knew her. You’re all she has right now, she needs her daddy.”

Carter nodded. Only slightly, but it was there. They both stood up and walked arm in arm down the street back towards County.

* * *

Carter approached the crib slowly and gazed lovingly inside to see his little girl wrapped up safely in a blanket. He smiled, even through is tears and stroked her soft hair gently. “Hello baby girl” he said, “I’m your daddy.”

Susan was standing by the door and smiled. Carter looked up at her in a way that told her it was ok to come over. “What are you going to call her?” she asked when she was standing next to him, staring down an that little baby that was oblivious to everything that was going on and the pain the everyone was feeling. She was sleeping peacefully and stirred slightly when Carter touched her.

“I don’t know,” said Carter, unable to take his eyes off her. “Abby liked Lily-Rose. I hated it. I guess it doesn’t seem that bad now…”

The tears came. Carter rested his head on Susan’s shoulder as they stood there in front of this beautiful little girl that Abby had given her life for. After a few minutes, Carter’s sobs died down.

“I’ll leave you alone. I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

Carter sighed and tried his best to smile. “Thank you” he said simply, but it was all that needed. Carter could tell that Susan knew exactly how much she had helped by just being there but he needed to say more. “I mean it. You always know exactly the right thing to say.”

“I know Carter, really. Just be with Lily.”

Carter waited until Susan had left the room then he turned back to his daughter. “Hi sweetie” he said, sitting down on a stool behind him and resting his tired, arms on the side of her cot. He lifted the fluffy rabbit out from beside her and held it in his hands for a moment, just thinking. He slowly replaced it back next to Lily, it’s soft fluffy ear draped over her arm.

“This was from your Mommy,” he told her, choking on his tears. “I won’t let you forget her.” He regained his composure and just sat there for a while longer, contemplating his life.

“It’s just you and me now.”