The sound of Max yelling, “I thought you were getting him a CT!” was the first thing Patrick was greeted with when he burst into resusc. Seeing Steven lying unconscious on the bed, it finally hit Patrick how stupid and selfish he had been. It took a moment for him to register what was going on. He noticed the flat line on the cardiac monitor.

“I thought he was in V-Tach?”

Max looked from the patient, to Colette performing chest compressions then up at Patrick. “Not any more.”

Patrick sighed and dropped his head. “How long’s he been down?”

“A minute or two. He was talking before that, it must have been one hell of a head injury for him to deteriorate so quickly.” Max had been standing there with his hands on his hips but softened slightly when he saw the expression of guilt and worry on Patrick’s face. His voice still had an edge to it and he continued. “Patrick, when I tell you to do something, do it. Don’t make excuses. Is that clear?”

Patrick nodded.

“There’s still no change” Colette said, pausing for a rhythm check.

“Dammit” Patrick muttered under his breath and took a step closer to the table. “Give him adrenaline, now!”

“Patrick, we’re doing it. Step back.”

“No Max!” he yelled again, “this is my fault.”

Max said nothing but the look on his face said more than words could. He sighed and gently put his hand on the patient’s chest, signaling for Colette to stop. “Ok, that’s it. We all agreed? We’re never going to get him back now.”

Patrick nodded. For once he was going to admit he made a mistake and not argue. His only response was to throw a tray of instruments across the room and barge out.

“Patrick, we have a patient for you.” Penny and Fin pushed a little girl on a trolley down the corridor towards resusc but Patrick ignored them. “Patrick!” Fin yelled again but he didn’t turn around or even slow his pace. He just stormed out the ambulance bay doors and collapsed against the wall, his head in his hands.

“Hey, I thought you could use this.”

Holly appeared beside the bench Patrick was slumped on and offered him a coffee in a brown plastic cup. Patrick just shrugged and continued staring at the floor. Holly sighed. When was he ever going to learn that pushing people away wasn’t the answer? His bad day had just killed a man; she thought it might have knocked some sense into him.

Holly waited a few more good minutes in the hope that Patrick might say something but he didn’t move all that time. She placed the now cold drink on the paving and sat at the other end of the bench.

“You know Holly, I just want to be on my own.” Patrick turned his head to look at her and Holly could tell he had been crying, or trying very hard not to.

“Patrick, it’s Ok to ask for help you know. No one will think any less of you.”

“I don’t need help, I’m fine.”

Holly rolled her eyes. “Fine then, suit yourself.” She stood up and walked back inside.

Maybe she had given up too quickly, maybe she should have been more patient with him but she’d had it with trying to get through to him. She spent far too much of her time trying to talk to him and he just fobbed her off like she was doing now. She didn’t have the energy left to try and cheer him up if he wasn’t going to co operate.

She stopped when she got to the door and spun around, seeing Patrick sitting in the exact same position to when she had first walked out. She decided the best thing would be to leave him to it. He’d talk when he was good and ready.

Whenever that would be.

* * *

Why didn’t he tell her to stay? Why was he such a pig headed stubbon twit? Patrick groaned. He spent his life pushing people away. Especially Holly. The more he cared for someone, the more he tried to distance himself from them. He didn’t want to get hurt again, not after what happened to his mother.

Patrick sat upright and rubbed his temples. He was the last person to go in for all this self-pitying crap. He’d just had a really bad day. Ok, week, and feeling sorry for himself was one way to stay sane.

Patrick had been staring at a crisp packet blowing across the road for a few minutes and hardly noticed someone sit down next to him. He looked over to the other side of the bench to see a little girl, about 6 or 7 with a yellow jumper and jeans and long brown, wispy hair in a plait. She was staring at the floor in much the same way Patrick had been and looked lost.

Patrick wasn’t in the mood for small talk, and he certainly didn’t have the energy to entertain a kid so he was surprised when he found himself wanting watching her curiously. She looked strangely familiar and Patrick couldn’t work it out. He was searching his mind for something to say and was struggling.

He was never good with kids, Holly was the one who would have no problem now. He was reminded of the time he got kicked by a girl with a fishing hook in her hand and had a strong desire for that not to be repeated. He was about to ask her where her parents were and was wondering how to phrase it when he was surprised to hear her talk first.

“Who was that lady?” she asked and Patrick was taken aback.

“Who?” he asked stupidly, he knew who she meant.

“The pretty lady you were talking to.”

“Oh, she went inside.”

The little girl zipped up her jacket and fidgeted on the bench. She seemed to accept Patrick’s reply. “Does she work here?”

“Yeah…” Despite Patrick’s usual intense discomfort around children he didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. He found himself taking to her as if she were an adult.

“Oh, you work together then?”

Patrick looked at her and raised an eyebrow. “How do you know I work here?”

“I can see your badge!” she giggled. Patrick thought for a moment and nodded.

“Do you think we better go inside? Someone’s probably looking for you.” The girl only shook her head.

“You’re a doctor” she continued more solemnly and he nodded again. “I hope the other doctors are good.”

Patrick turned his whole body to face her but she didn’t establish eye contact. She looked at the pavement and kicked her legs nervously. “Why’s that?” Patrick asked.

“They’re looking after Kirsty inside” she replied in barely a whisper. “She was hit by a car.”

Patrick sighed. He looked at his watch, he’d been out her nearly 20 minutes, Max was probably waiting impatiently for him to get back to work but he couldn’t leave now. “Is she your twin sister?” Patrick asked, realising why he recognised her. He hadn’t given it a thought when he barged past Penny, Fin and their patient but now he felt incredibly guilty for letting his bad mood get in the way of his job. “What’s your name?”

“Becca.”

Patrick found himself smiling. “Hi. I’m Patrick.”

“I know” she said, perking up a bit. “I saw your badge! You don’t listen do you?”

Patrick smiled. He couldn’t argue with that.

“You look sad” Becca said a wile later, after they had discussed everything and anything for the past 10 minutes.

Patrick shrugged. “Do I?” He didn’t really want to go into it with a 6 year old. Kids had an annoying habit though of being able to pick up on every little motion.

“Yeah. Is Holly your girlfriend?”

Patrick sighed. Becca had spent a good 5 minutes trying to learn the ‘pretty doctor’s’ name. Sinse Patrick finally gave in and told her she hadn’t stopped asking questions.

“No” he said simply.

“But you want her to be right?”

This little girl was really starting to push his buttons. He could tell she wasn’t going to give in until she got an answer. How could he give her one when he wasn’t sure himself? Ever sinse yesterday when Spencer had been teasing him about it he had been questioning his feelings. They had always been there, he had realised some time in the early hours of the morning, but he was in denial. He’d messed things up with Holly before; he didn’t want to go there again.

“Come on” Becca pestered when he didn’t reply. “My mum and step dad loved each other for aaaaaages before they got married.” She stretched her arms as wide as they would go to emphasise her point and nearly put Patrick’s eye out. “Do you think you’ll get married?” Patrick shrugged. “I think you should, you’d look nice together.”

Patrick realised he was smiling despite himself. He wasn’t one of those sad people with no life that spent all their time imagining their perfect wedding but he didn’t pretend that the thought of spending his life with Holly didn’t appeal to him and a huge grin spread across his face.

“See?” Becca said, “I knew it.”

Patrick didn’t have a chance to argue. “Rebecca, where have you been?” a frantic woman came running out to them and scooped her daughter up into a hug. She turned to Patrick. “I’m sorry if she’s been pestering you.” She looked at Becca, “come one, come and see your sister.”

“Oh, it’s no problem” Patrick said. The woman who had turned to leave faced him and smiled.

“Really Mum” Becca said. “We’ve been talking.”

“How’s Kirsty?” Patrick asked. “Becca’s been telling me about the accident.”

Becca’s mum had been standing in a rather awkward position with her body twisted sideways. She seemed to visibly relax but not enough to sit down. She instead propped herself up against the lamppost. “Oh, she’s ok I guess. She’s not woken up yet. When the car hit her she crushed a few ribs but they say she’s been very lucky. Oh, sorry” she said, “I don’t mean to burden you.”

“No, it’s ok” Patrick told her sincerely, “I’m a doctor, I’m used to it. I work in A+E in fact. Max is one of the best.” The truth was, he wasn’t used to it. He usually ran away at the prospect of having to deal with relatives. He was fine with patients in resusc when he didn’t have to talk to them but he usually left the family stuff up to his colleagues with more people skills than him.

But this little girl had told her so much about her family he felt he was involved. And he really was interested, not just pretending to humor Becca.

“We should get inside. Thanks for listening.”

“I should get back to work too, I think my break’s been long enough.”

The woman smiled at him and walked away, Becca grinned at him over her shoulder as she was lead inside by her mum and Patrick winked. He sighed, standing there for a moment longer before tossing his coffee cup in the bin and following them inside.

“Patrick, where have u been?” Max walked up to him and addressed him angrily. “You better have a good explaination. I told you to take 5 minutes; it’s been nearly 20.”

Patrick would have usually tried to argue with him but he didn’t have the energy. “I’m sorry, I’ll get back to work.”

Max seemed a little surprised by Patrick’s passiveness and nodded. Patrick brushed past him towards cubicles.