“God I’m fine!” she cried, hoisting the toddler up higher in her arms.
“You need help.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Yes you do.”
“Shut up.”
He smiled. “Ha. You admit it!”
She rolled her brown eyes. “You suck.”
“You’re just jealous.”
“Shove it Bri.”
“No.” He walked over to her and stared at the boy in her arms. “Man. How’d you manage to get such a cute kid?” he asked, playing with the little blonde boy.
Jessica Stang smiled. “He was a cute guy.”
Brian Littrell looked up at her, sadness obvious in his crystal blue eyes. “I’m sorry.”
She laughed. It was a haughty laugh. Brian knew it was just to make herself feel better.
“You’ve been saying that ever since the moment I met you.”
He shrugged. “Well I am.”
“Brian…I don’t know what I’d do without you.” She shook her head and rocked her child.
“There wouldn’t be much to do…if you were dead.”
“Please Bri,” she pleaded. “Don’t talk about it. You know what day it is.”
He sighed. “I know. Sorry.”
She gave him a sad smile. “I don’t know how to thank you.”
“For what?”
“For everything. This,” she waved around at the apartment. “All this money for Lance… I don’t know where I’d be…”
Brian waved his hand in dismissal. “Say no more. I have more money than I know what to do with. Might as well use it for something good.”
Jessica smiled and hugged him as best as she could with one arm and a sleeping kid on the other. “Thanks.”
“It’s no problem,” he repeated. “Now go. The guys are supposed to be here in a while.”
She cocked an eyebrow. “So you’re trying to get rida me huh?”
“You know it babe,” he joked, pushing her towards the door. He handed her the bag with essentials. “Now go! You need it.”
“Love you too Bri.” She gave him a sardonic smile.
“Love you. Buh bye!”
“Alright, alright I’m leaving!” She gave him a slight wave before heading downstairs.
He closed the door and locked it. Then he hurried over to the black cordless phone and pressed the number 3 on speed dial.
“Hello?”
“Nick?”
“Brian?”
“Yeah it’s me. Ok you got everything?”
“Yup. D’s got the decorations, Bone’s got the food, Kevin’s also got food, I got the-”
“Ok, ok I get it.” Brian looked at the time. “Get over here. With you and AJ it’ll be a miracle if we can get it decorated on time. You know she’s never late and-”
“Bri, I hear you,” Nick said, interrupting his friend. “Train’s got the ride, we’re comin over.”
“Ok good. Later.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
Brian put the phone back into its cradle and looked around the apartment. It was full of toys. Half of them Brian bought. He was elated when she named the baby after him- Brian Lansten…Bass. She actually had suggested that Brian’s last name should be Littrell, but he talked her out of it. Last thing they needed was another Littrell around the house.
Jessica had said to him very many times that he looked very much like his father. Brian knew it drove her insane. Same sparkling green eyes, boyish grin, and she swore that he looked the same as Lance’s baby picture.
Brian sat down on the leather couch he bought for her, sighing in thought. Maybe she would be a little more cheery this anniversary than the last two.
“Let’s hope.”
-;- -;- -;-
“C’mon Lance,” she cooed, holding out her hand to the toddler.
He smiled and ran forward in his tiny steps and grabbed her larger hand. “Mommy?”
“Yes sweetie?”
“Where are we going?” he asked, looking around at the trees and cars.
“To the park sweetie,” she said, tugging the curious kid along.
“Cool.”
Jessica laughed. It was one of those things he learned from his five “uncles”. He looked up to them so much, she could almost swear she could see Little Lance dying his hair.
She tried hard to steer the stroller, filled with bags, and hold onto Lance’s hand at the same time. She sighed in relief when she saw the park come into view. The next thing she knew, Lance was in front of her by three feet. Laughing, she hurried to catch up to him.
Jessica parked the stroller next to a nearby bench and sat, watching her son run around the playground. She crossed her arms over her chest, a little chilled, although she was wearing a midnight blue sweater. Kentucky wasn’t THAT cold, as opposed to Minnesota, but three years can do things to someone.
“Mommy!!”
She looked up and saw Lance attempting to jump onto a swing. She laughed and jogged over to the struggling toddler. Jessica hoisted him up into the kiddie swing- the kind that was a seat- and buckled him in.
“Ok ready?”
-;- -;- -;-
“Lance! Come ON!” Justin whined. “You’re just gonna go out there and WALK?”
He shrugged and dug into his suitcase to find his jacket.
Justin rolled his azure eyes. “WHY? You don’t even know this place! This is KENTUCKY for cripes sake!”
“Yeah so?”
“You don’t know what you’re doing!”
“And you do?” Lance said, searching still.
Justin sighed. “You’re gonna go walk, aren’t you?”
“Yup.” Lance finally pulled out his Columbia jacket. “Here it is. Look, Justin…you don’t… you don’t understand. But I’ll make it up to you.”
“How come YOU understand, and I don’t? I know all about that whole…Jessie and you thing!” Justin called after him, getting up.
“But you still don’t know…” Lance shook his head. “Gotta go.”
Before the younger man could say a word, he was out the door.
Lance walked to the elevator and hurried across the lobby, hoping to remain unrecognized. He succeeded. He took a breath…and started to walk.
Past the houses, past the trees, past the people who were staring at him curiously.
He looked around at the scenery. Nothing looked like peace…that was what he needed. To be ensured that he was forgiven.
‘Finally’ he thought. Then he walked into the park, sensing the calm around the trees.
He found a bench and sat down, taking in all there was to take in. Lance felt out of energy, yet he had so much. Love sucks.
It must’ve been hours as Lance stared into space, replaying everything in the three years prior to this one. All the sweet moments…cherished kisses…dying souls…
He had never told the guys about her pregnancy. So of course, they couldn’t understand.
“LANCE!” a woman’s voice yelled, laughing.
The hair on his neck stood up, afraid he’d been recognized, and that the voice was so… familiar. His eyes darted for the source of the voice.
And when he did, he felt nauseous.
The girl…the voice…the eyes…it was her. Lance suddenly felt faint. It couldn’t be. She was dead. Or was she? What was going on?
‘Must my head…playing tricks on me…’ Lance tried to convince himself.
But then she got up. She looked exactly like she had…only taller, more mature looking, and even more beautiful.
‘It’s her…’ he realized shockingly. “Oh my god.” He felt nervous, hopeful, doubt, love, passion, lust, anger, sadness, and…pain. His heart was pounding so hard it felt as if it were to explode at any given moment.
“Lance get back here!” she shouted, chasing after the screaming toddler, having a good time. She finally caught him and started to tickle him.
He had to find out.
Getting up on shaky legs and short breath, Lance got up his courage and walked over to her.
“Jessie?”
Her heart froze. Her blood ran cold. His voice… It was surreal. He couldn’t be here…not now…not here… But slowly, she turned her head, and her eyes met his deep green ones.
And all time stopped.
They stared at each other, still wondering if the other were really there. The silence shattered.
“Mommy? Mommy who’s that?” Lance asked, tugging on his mother’s shirt.
Jessica tore her gaze away from his, and looked at her son. “What?”
“Who’s that?” he asked, pointing his tiny finger at the stranger.
“He’s…he’s…” she trailed off uncertainly. What was she supposed to tell him? Lance, this is your father- a super famous pop star. No.
“A friend,” Lance interjected.
Suddenly her heart started to race. Time to go.
“Sorry, I have to go,” she said hurriedly, scooping Lance up in her arms. “Bye.”
“Jess wait! Please god wait!” he pleaded, grabbing her arm.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, backing away, almost clutching her heart. “I really have to go.”
“No please! Jessie you have to listen to me!” he cried.
“You made yourself clear three years ago,” she said, choking sobs. “I don’t need any clarification.”
“NO! You don’t understand…” Lance trailed off, seeing the child stare at him.
“I have to go,” she whispered again, her tears falling down, despite her efforts to keep them back. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok Mommy,” Lance said, hugging his mother around the neck. He looked back at the stranger and shouted, “You made Mommy cry!”
The man staggered back as if physically assaulted. “What…”
“No Lance sweetie it’s ok,” she said, gathering her things quickly. “C’mon. Mommy has to go find Uncle Brian.”
“Mommy cry.” It almost broke her heart to see the tears welling in her baby’s eyes.
“No don’t cry sweetie,” she begged. “I’ll cry harder.”
“It’s ok.”
Jessica smiled weakly at her son. “Time to go home.” She looked at her watch. It was just enough time.
“Jess please just hear me out! I’m sorry!” There were so many questions…but how could he ask them if he couldn’t even get her to talk to him?
Jessica hurried along and searched frantically for the Lexus that the guys had given her for her birthday the year before. She rushed to open the door and strapped Lance into his car seat. Then she threw her things into the back seat and jumped into the driver’s seat, to be met by Lance’s face.
“Mommy the stranger is hitting the door!”
“I know honey,” she said, starting the engine as fast as she could.
She cleared her tears as best she could before taking off down the street, leaving a heartbroken Lance behind.
-;- -;- -;-
“UNCLE BRIAN!!!!” Lance shrieked, running down the corridor in front of his distressed mother. “UNCLE BRIIANN!”
“Lance please be quiet.”
“Yes Mommy. Uncle Briiann!” he continued.
Jessica got out her key and opened the door. She flicked on the light.
“SURPRISE!!”
She froze. Everyone…Nick, AJ, Kevin and Kristin, Howie…Brian and Leighanne… plus a few close friends. They were all there. The decorations up, the food set, everything…
She broke down in sobs as she collapsed to her knees.
“Jessica!” Brian cried, jumping over to her. “Why, what’s wrong? What happened?” He embraced her protectively as he continued to whisper to her.
“Someone made Mommy cry!” Lance said, fixed expression on his chubby face.
“Who?”
The little boy shrugged as his mom cried harder. “He said sorry…”
‘No way…’
“Brian, buddy,” Brian said to him, “did this person have yellow hair like Uncle Nick?”
Lance glanced at Nick, and nodded, leaving the tall blonde to stand confused.
“Green eyes?”
“Yes. He was tall.” Lance raised his hand up high in demonstration.
“Oh no.” Brian closed his eyes in disbelief and the rest of the guys started to ask questions and comfort her.
“Sweetie it’s ok,” Brian soothed, rocking her shaking body back and forth. “It’s ok…”
“How did he find me? How? Why did he have to ruin this?” she sobbed, her voice an octave higher than usual. “I was fine!”
Brian sighed, not knowing what to do. He turned to look at the rest of the guys. “Clean up guys. Party’s over.”
-;- -;- -;-
Lance paid the cab driver handsomely as he rushed out of the taxi and ran inside the apartment building, managing to keep Jessica in his sight. He stayed 10 feet behind her, and was glad that her son’s cries drowned out the sound of his footsteps.
He waited about five anxious, dying minutes before knocking on the door.
“Jessie?” he jumped right when the door cracked open.
His heart froze and his eyes widened when he saw Brian Littrell standing there in front of him.
“I-I-uh…” he stuttered, trying desperately to make sense of this nearly impossible situation.
“What are you doing here?” Brian asked almost coldly.
“She…I…”
Brian waved his hand. “Don’t bother. I know. But whatever. You can’t see her.”
Lance’s eyes widened in astonishment and anguish. “Why? I have to!”
“You don’t HAVE to do anything.” Brian’s ice blue eyes bore into his sad green ones. You made yourself clear a long time ago- you don’t have to repeat yourself.”
The blonde took in a shaky breath. That was the second time. “Look Brian, I’m sorry-”
“You’re SORRY?! You should have been there three years ago- before she tried to jump,” his eyes narrowed just a bit. “You should have seen her on that cliff you know. She was crying so bad about you, shaking like a leaf. All about you and your heartless words,” he spat.
“What? How-?”
“You’re lucky you even saw her again,” the older man said. “She was willing to kill herself just to get away from that pain.”
“How did you know she was jumping?” Lance asked, that being the question most appearing in his jumbled mind.
“Oh that.” Brian paused. “I was the one who saved her.”
Without another word, he slammed the door.
-;- -;- -;-
Lance could feel the backs of his eyes sting with hot tears.
‘Not again…’
-;- -;- -;-
“Brian?” Leighanne asked cautiously, walking towards the fuming man.
“How dare he come near her now!” he fumed, walking briskly to the couch.
“Brian sweetie it’s ok,” she soothed.
The man took in many breaths of air.
“Bri you didn’t have to be so harsh,” AJ said softly, feeling the pain in Lance’s dying eyes. Not even one who seemed tough could feel tough to that kind of pain.
“You don’t know,” Brian shook his head.
“Why would he come all this way to insult her?” Kevin asked, seeing AJ’s point.
“I don’t think she’d want to see him,” Brian said, crossing his slim arms.
“How do you know?”
All eyes were focused on the young woman in the opening of the hallway.
“J-”
“Bri?”
Brian stared, his eyes softening. “Sorry.”
Jessica rushed up to the older man and hugged him tight.
“Thank you.”
“Not your best friend for nothing,” he smiled at last, hugging her back with equal pressure.
“Hate to break up this mushy moment,” AJ cut in, “but we have a party to resume.”
Jessica smiled. “Party’s on.”
-;- -;- -;-
“Lance?”
Silence.
“Lance?”
“Go away,” came the muffled reply.
“Look, I don’t know what happened, but you could at least talk about it. C’mon! I got a degree in psych for goodness sake!” Chris said. “The least you can do is lemme prove those years haven’t gone to waste.”
Nothing.
“Fine then. Keep it all to yourself- I don’t care. I tried.”
To his surprise, the curtain opened.
“Talk to me,” Chris pleaded, sick of the fact that his friend was locked up for so long.
Lance closed his eyes as he set his head in his hands.
“You know that song?”
“Your song?”
“Yeah. You know who it’s by?”
“One of the Backstreet People.”
“Brian,” Lance said. “Anyway, I went to the park today.”
“Yeah? And?” Chris prodded, pushing the useless talk about the song onto the backburner.
“You wanna know or not?”
“Shutting up.”
“Ok well I went to the park. Then, I hear someone yell out Lance! So I look,” Lance paused. “I saw her.”
“Who?”
“Her.”
“You mean-” Chris nearly finished, stupefied.
“Jessie. I saw her.”
“Are you pulling my leg? I may be old, but I’m not-”
“I’m serious!” Lance cried. “She was right there flesh and blood… with her son…”
“WHAT?!”
“I’m sorry I never told you guys…I was too scared…I was scared you’d get mad at me…”
“Wait so you’re saying it’s YOURS?!” Chris asked, incredulous.
“Yeah…well anyway, she runs away. So I followed her to her apartment and I knocked on the door after she went in.”
“Yeah and…?”
“You know my song?”
“Yeah, what about it?” Chris asked, sick of hearing about the song when he could be hearing about what was wrong with his friend.
“Guess who she lives with.”
Chris took a while to register, and once he did, his eyes became as wide as saucers. “No…”
“Yes…and he knew everything,” Lance said mournfully. “He even knew how she was planning to off herself…he…he saved her,” Lance choked.
“Serious?”
Lance nodded grimly. “Then he slammed the door on me.”
Chris ran his hands over his tired, stressed face. “Oh my lord…”
“He was yelling at me Chris,” his young friend nearly whimpered. “Doesn’t he know that it hurts to know I did that? To believe that she was dead…and to see her…I didn’t think I’d even make it to the cab to drive after her…I was so scared,” Lance looked so young right at that moment. He was huddled in his own space, his arms wrapped around himself, almost as if he were cold. But Chris knew better. He was trying to ward off the pain and remorse.
“What have I done that was so bad Chris?”
“Nothing Lance…you just misunderstood.”
The blonde shook his head.
“You look like you can use some rest,” Chris said at last, standing. “Sleep on it. Then try again tomorrow.”
“Surprised if he didn’t ban me off the property by now,” Lance mumbled.
“Lance…” Chris was at a loss for the right words. But nothing could express how disappointed he was in his friend at that moment. So deprived of self-esteem and confidence. He was reduced to his hot regretful tears.
“Try resting and talk to me later,” Chris said, sighing stressfully. This new discovery just laid a heavy burden on his shoulders, and he couldn’t think of bearing the weight it had on Lance. As an afterthought, he bent over and gave his friend a hug. That was all it took for him to break.
Lance was shedding his tears, but silently. He made sure he never let out a sound. Which only made Chris feel worse. But finally he had to let go, and gave him what he hoped looked like a reassuring smile.
“Good luck, my friend.”