Matthew 6:5-6

"And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are; for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward."

"But though, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou has shut thy door, pray to they Father which is in secret; and thy Father, which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly."

A few years ago I went to get my haircut at a popular chain of hair salons. Now, I get my hair cut every month or two, so this in itself is not unusual. The woman who was cutting my hair this day however, was bent on converting me to Christianity. If a Christian or a salesman was looking for a way to get one-on-one access to a lot of different people, and get paid while doing it, they couldn't do much better than to be a hair stylist. The customer is a captive audience for 30 minutes or more while they get their hair cut. They won't walk out to avoid getting half a haircut and they would tend to be less out spoken to avoid getting a deliberately bad haircut. The customer's vanity is held hostage until the haircut is finished, when the next customer takes his place and the stylist starts all over again.

The woman who cut my hair wasted no time. As soon as my head was in the sink she asked me if I believed in helping others. This is a popular sales technique called "building agreement." By asking a question that is tangential to the actual point, but one with an obvious answer, I am forced to agree. She can then build upon that agreement and ease into her real motive, which will eventually be revealed with, what I like to call, the "oh shit" question. For example, once I happen to get seated next to an Amway saleswoman on a plane. (For those outside of the US, Amway sells cleaning products via a network marketing pyramid arrangement. Their sales people are notorious for aggressively recruiting other sales people to help push themselves up the pyramid.) The saleswoman first asked me if I had ever dreamed of becoming financially independent (building agreement). She then asked if I had ever heard of Amway (oh shit). My hairstylist's "oh shit" question was if I read the Bible. Realizing what was inevitably ahead, I spent a few seconds considering how to answer and then said, "Yes," but offered no detail.

She was visibly pleased, but her job wasn't through. If I was any variety of Christianity other than her own, my soul still wasn't saved, so she then began trying to determine what faith I was. She did this by asking me where I went to church. When I replied that I didn't attend church her expression was stern and disapproving, like I was a two-year-old who had been caught flushing her car keys down the toilet. Before long she was telling me about how God was like a loving father who wants me to share eternal life with him and giving me Bible passages to read when I got home. Her tone was always condescending. She could have just as well been teaching preschoolers about shapes and colors.

When I pointed out some of the incompatibilities between a loving god and predestination, she grinned and shook her head. Putting her hand on my shoulder, her voice full of sympathy, she said, "You just don't understand." Of course she didn't offer to explain so I could understand. That would have been interesting.

The haircut incident left me feeling angry and violated, but it also made me think about the nature of religious conversion. At one point or another all of us have been approached by someone determined to convert us to their faith, certain that only their beliefs can save us from eternal damnation. As an outsider, there is no way to distinguish which religion is more "correct" than any other. No matter what faith you embrace there will always be groups who will swear you are condemned to Hell. Even people who share the belief that the Bible is the word of God can't seem to agree on what God's word actually says, as evidenced by the many varieties of Christianity.

What this means then, is that the only justification someone has for claiming their religion is more valid than anyone else's, is that it happens to be their own.  This is why people who want to share their religious beliefs with you never want you to reciprocate and share your beliefs with them.  They already know your beliefs are wrong purely because they are different than their own.  Therefore, an unsolicited attempt to convert someone amounts to an act of pure arrogance. It is spiritual bigotry.

If you step back and imagine the big picture of our religious landscape, the constant struggle of the religious to convert those who disagree with them becomes almost comic.  Think of all the time spent by people going door-to-door trying to persuade others to think like they do that could be better spent elsewhere.  Think of the vast amounts believers' donated money that is wasted on promoting religious conformity.  It is a circus of the egocentric.

On a more basic level, religion (or lack of it) is usually a very personal part of people's lives. To have a complete stranger question those beliefs is just as disrespectful as a stranger asking someone how much money they make or when they last had sex with their spouse. It is invasive and rude.

So the next time a man shows up at your door uninvited and begins to tell you about Jesus, ask him why he thinks his beliefs are so much better than your own. If that doesn't get rid of him, ask him when he last had sex with his wife. Then send a note to the Closet Atheist and tell me all about it.

The Closet Atheist