Received 8.9.2001

Dear Closet Atheist,

I've been reading your site for a couple of days now, and I thoroughly enjoy it. You have a lot of tolerance for differing viewpoints, and your readers raise many interesting, thought-provoking topics. 

This email is in direct response to one of your readers' messages. It seems that the young person (from Arkansas - the email is dated 4.11.2001) is considering telling his or her parents of his or her lack of faith. I would advise caution on this point, and I would like to relate something of my own experience.

I didn't become a non-believer (or godless heathen, as I prefer to be called! ;o) ) until I was well into my adult years. My family was very religious, and I went to a parochial (church) school as a child. My parents were good Christians (and by this I mean that they practiced what they preached) their whole lives, and my mother especially valued her faith.

My folks never knew that I had become an infidel, and I never felt a need to tell them. They would have believed that their beloved god would have allowed their beloved daughter to be tortured for an eternity. Why did they need that pain in their declining years? It would have been kinder to take a gun and shoot my mother than tell her I didn't believe in god anymore.

My parents both passed away in the past 2 years; both had cancer, and their deaths were horrible and agonizing. Where was their kind and loving god when my father was coughing up pieces of his lungs into the bathroom sink or when my mother was projectile vomiting from the tumor that had strangled her stomach and liver? "Well done my good and faithful servant," indeed.

But I digress. I wanted to tell the person who wrote the 4.11.2001 email to think long and hard before telling your parents about your atheism. Will telling them help to bring you closer or make their lives any better? Will it make your life any better to have them trying to reconvert you or having their clergyman do so, or worse yet, shunning you? How will your extended family react? This disclosure is a major bombshell to many families - telling your folks that you were gay might run a poor second. Give it some thought for yourself as well as your parents. Good luck to you.


Sincerely,
A. Mhac an t'Saoir

My Reply:

I chose “The Closet Atheist” as the name of this site, not because I was advocating that atheists should conceal their position, but because I felt that title encapsulated my central theme, that there are double standards when it comes to religious freedom. Across the United States atheists emitted a collective groan when Al Gore's year 2000 presidential running mate, Joe Lieberman, turned the closet atheist predicament into a campaign platform. "We know that the Constitution wisely separates church from state," he said, "but remember: the Constitution guarantees freedom of religion, not freedom from religion."

With that said, however, I think there are some situations, such as in school and the work place, where people should keep their faith (or lack of it) private. Unless you work at a religious institution, these are places where religion should have no bearing and those who inquire about it, who are not true friends, are merely meddling.

Other interpersonal situations are more complicated. If you have spent more than a little time on the web reading atheist material you have probably come across articles encouraging atheists to proclaim their disbelief to family, friends and anyone else who will listen. This seems like an over-simplified solution to the “Closet Atheist” dilemma, and I have received many letters (I only post a fraction of them) from readers like yourself who agree.

The example you give about telling your parents is a good one. What is the net gain? How will their knowing you are an atheist improve your relationship with them? It is very possible that telling them could initiate a dialogue that could lead to a more open and honest relationship. It is also possible that knowledge of your atheism would hurt them, or make them feel like they had failed in giving you a religious upbringing, or that they will spend an eternity in the after-life without you. Or perhaps they will devote themselves to converting you. The outcome depends on the parents.

There is also the matter of motive. Many people feel a compulsion to "come clean" about things. In other words, they feel guilty about not sharing personal aspects of themselves with people they are close to. I submit that the motives for “coming clean” purely for its own sake are selfish. It is an attempt to alleviate guilt, to make one’s self feel better, perhaps even garner some attention.

I receive a lot of mail from young people who seem to be telling their parents, teachers or priests that they are atheists as acts of rebellion. I am not saying that they are not really atheists, I am simply questioning their motives for proclaiming their disbelief. Others seem to thrive off of the critical perspective atheism provides when it comes to religion.

In the end, of course, I would never recommend being dishonest. If someone you respect asks you directly, always answer truthfully. You would never want to find yourself in a situation where you pretend to pray at church or family gatherings, or have your child baptized because you don’t want to reveal you are an atheist to your spouse, parents or in-laws.

If you do decide to come out of the closet, however, be prepared. The most likely thing to follow the announcement of one's atheism is a passionate debate.

Well, it seems I have used your letter as an excuse to write about an issue that has been on my mind.  Thanks for giving me the opportunity.