Received 1.31.2002

Hello,
Reading many of the other letters on your site encouraged me to submit my personal story (and my personal problem).

A bit of background first. I was baptized Catholic, and when I was 2, my mother and I converted to Lutheran (my father's religion). I was a brainwashed sheep when I was willingly confirmed at the age of 13. The day after confirmation was the day I received my personalized offering envelopes and I began to see what religion was all about. I became (for lack of a better word) agnostic. For the next two years, I would spend a few hours
each week learning about different religions and trying to find the "right" one. I continued going to my Lutheran church on a semi-regular basis, but began visiting other churches in hope of finding the right one. At the end I was convinced that atheism was the right way.

From the very beginning of my 'quest,' I would talk to my mother about my agnosticism, and after the original "shock" period, she became quite supportive of it. She realized that as long as I kept a good set of morals, she didn't care what religion I was. But that's where the tolerance stopped. Whenever it seemed to her that I was becoming atheist, she would
begin to mention that "an atheist is not welcome in my home" and our talks stopped when my 'quest' did. I feigned a "Non-Practicing Christian" belief system until I moved to college -- one in which would appease my parents (Christian) without the sacrifice of an hour each week to compare clothing with other people.

I'm now eighteen and in college, and my mother has been threatening to change the locks because she believes I am atheist. She is right about that, but she came to that conclusion through suspicion, without proof. My mother realizes that I am in a very difficult financial situation, mainly because they refuse to contribute a dime to my college education, and 
is using my financial problems as leverage so that I will be a Practicing Christian. I was wondering if you could help me find a way around this.

--Dan

My Reply:

The public perception seems to be that agnostics are critical thinking renaissance men while atheists are cynical intellectuals out eradicate our most sacred institutions.  I am still surprised, however, by how disparate your mother's reactions were to your agnosticism and atheism.  I suspect that she considered your agnosticism to be just a phase of religious curiosity and always believed that you would come back to Christianity.  

Unfortunately, I don't see any easy answers for you, but it might help to try and understand your mother's point of view.  I imagine that she feels rejected and fearful.  She has worked hard to bestow you with a Christian upbringing, something central to her life that she may scarcely be able to imagine living without.  In her mind being Christian is probably strongly associated with what it means to be a good person with a sense of morality.  You have rejected this and she may not understand why.

Also, if she has never truly known an atheist, someone she considered to be a friend or who had earned her respect, she may not understand what being an atheist is about.  Many people feel threatened by someone just because they think differently.

I, of course, do not know your mother, but I think your best chance with her is to have an honest discussion about your atheism.  This shouldn't be a debate about God's existence, but rather an effort to help her understand.  From all outward appearances you are the exact same person you were as an agnostic.  Your actions have not changed.  The sum of what is different about you is simply that you made a decision, one that does not even require you to take any action or change the way you interact with others.  You have gone from being unsure about God's existence to making a personal decision that you are unable to believe in him.  I say "unable to believe" because, as I have stated before on this site, I do not think it is a choice.  We are convinced or we are not.  We accumulate experience as we move through life that builds or refutes an argument for God's existence.  It is not a matter of waking up and asking "should I believe in God today."  Unless you have some significant experience that convinces you otherwise, you are an atheist.  You could pretend that you believe and live life as a hypocrite, but I'm sure your mother didn't raise you that way.

Good luck.  I'd say a prayer for you, but we both know that it wouldn't do any good.