MY HOLIDAY MAILING FOR THE YEAR 2001:

I know many of us are stuck secretly believing that Christmas is somehow a gauge of our worth. It started early on…Santa knows if you’ve been bad or good; he then rewards you appropriately with toys. As we got older, the behavior-containment-system stopped visiting us. Now, all of us have probably, after opening an expensive gift, said, “I don’t deserve this.” I hesitate to think that our self-worth is reflected in some sort of goods-exchange.

I recognize this time of year as being about something much deeper, much more than a reflection on our good deeds, our wicked curiosities, or our naďve fumblings through life. This is not a reward system. This is about gratitude—the most divine of emotions. This is giving because one needs to give in order to be fully human…giving to be grateful that we are all here, together, creating stories.

This time of year usually opens up my soul a little more. It all starts with my birthday, when I really want to bring together the important people in my life. Then it carries through the rest of the month, to Christmas and into New Years. It's difficult expressing the profound feelings I have for all the people who touch my life...living in a culture that wants us to homogenize our feelings and express that with material goods. But I try to do something extraordinary. I work hard at it. But somehow, expressing myself from my own depths never seems like quite enough. And why should it come out mostly at just one time during the year. I read people like Rumi and Eastern religious figures, and I am awed at the discipline they have gained over time to practice loving, to make it their lives, to live it everyday. Is there such a place within myself where I can love my anger--to understand it, rather than run from it--just as I would love the warmth of a blanket or a perfect cup of tea? Everyday is an excercise, a practice of approaching people genuinely and warmly, without presupposition, an agenda, or pretense. And I guess I should take my own advice...this is not a destination; it is learning new things each day, through each new experience. But, to get back to my original thought, people truly impact us deeply, and I hope I have done enough to express that in my holiday greetings.

Okay, so I was reading an article in the paper that said most of the terrorist "masterminds" live in London. Wait a minute...for people who supposedly despise The West, they certainly are cozying up to one of the largest capitalistic places in the world. Guess they didn't want to be too far from a latte and an ATM. And who has done more colonizing than the Brits? "The sun never sets on the British Empire"--does that mean anything to these people? I dunno...just seems really strange to me.

You all know me to be a rather stoic person on the outside, but with deep emotional rivers running through my insides. It's only natural that I would be commenting on what we've all seen unfold.

Yesterday, after leaving work early in order to cope with the tragedy in the only way I knew how, I sat down at home and thought about what I could possibly do to help a world that seemed so out of control. I thought for hours until the answer came to me. I sat down at the piano and just started playing--playing whatever came out--a song for the dead, for the survivors, for all of us grieving. It was my way of clearing out the musty smell of hate in the air. I didn't feel quite so helpless anymore.

And I thought some more. I know we all have a lot of anger, disbelief, helplessness sitting inside of us. It's all very understandable. I wanted to urge you to honor those feelings, but use them as a power source to love those around you. The best way to overcome the hate in the air is to resist it in our own, most positive way. So, outdo your negative feelings by loving someone, anyone around you as much as you can. A parent, a spouse, a child, a friend, a grandparent...someone...a group of people. I think that is our only way of making it through all this insanity.

Thank you all for being friends. In the end, that's all that matters.

Take care of yourselves and of someone else,