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Hey everyone, it's that time again. I figured I had so much to share when I got to school, that I should share with you what I have learned from the first semester of college life. If some of you did not receive the first edition of this massive e-mail, I still have it so I can forward it to you if you request. So here it is, The "top ten things Keith has learned" List. If I can't come up with ten, sorry...I really don't think I have learned a whole lot. 1) This is a tip for the guys out there. On the first day of new classes, find the hot girls and sit next to them. However, don't whisper "sweet nothings" in their ear the whole time. Here are a few signs if they don't like you: a) if she turns to face you and screams at the top of her lungs, "LEAVE ME ALONE YOU PYSCHO! b) If instead of moving closer to you, she whips out a plastic tarp and covers herself in it, and again yells "NO I WILL NOT LICK YOU! c) If she tells you she is a lesbian and then kisses the girl sitting next to her. So you got rejected, but that would be pretty darn cool. 2) This tip is for the girls out there. Okay, it's not a tip. It's a plea. When rejecting guys who ask you out on a date, please don't IGNORE them and pretend as if the question was never asked...TWICE. Here's my reason: It happened to me. You see, I thought after the first time that she didn't hear me (even though we were the only two people in the room at the time) So I asked her again, LOUDLY, and AGAIN she ignored me. When I went for the third time, the phone rang. And I know it wasn't a coincidence either. She MADE the phone ring with her girl powers. So basically I was standing there feeling like an idiot. So, for the love of God, just tell them a flat out NO, and add "I will never FROLICK with you wearing tiger underwear in the forest while whistling the tune to the Andy Griffith show!!!!!!!" It would make them feel soooo much better. 3) Laundry. I have learned how to do laundry. Especially getting those stains out of my underwear----er....um....my t-shirts. What I do is soak my undies...er...t-shirts in bleach and club soda and then I use a little Sprite too. Then all of the stains come right out. By stains I mean the typical things like beer, chocolate, dirt, fudge, peanut butter and "other" stains come right out after you put them in with another guys wash. And it's free. 4) Where slippers when going to the shower. I know some if not all of you have experienced the "slip on the floor butt naked and fall on my ass" before I get in or get out of the shower before. Well, James I know YOU have. Not that I watched. Anyways, I find that you can where slippers and they give you more traction. If you're drunk, well, you screwed, because I'm sure the first thing on your mind isn't "Gee, I really should put on some slippers..." Well, I'm just saying that because for some reason the body looks so much more unattractive when you see someone fall on their ass and their privates are tensing, and flailing all over the place. Once this guy who lives on my floor, was hammered and he was going to take a shower. Well, he had a towel on, but when he went into the bathroom, he slipped and went sprawling to the canvas and the towel was no longer covering him. I laughed my ass off, but I will never forget that dreaded image of his nutsack bouncing around and doing the "Hip Hop Hurray" all over the place. And it just looked like it hurt real bad. Plus, I sliced my jugular vein trying to shave. 5) When lifting weights ALWAYS have a spotter. That way there is NO temptation whatsoever to use the weights as sexual objects. I don't think I need to place this picture in your mind, but I will anyway. The 45 plate is sitting there all alone with no one to play with him. There's one BIG gaping hole in the center of it. Sometimes the demons in me are just shouting, "DO it Keith, you know you want it...everybody's doing it!" Well, if you know me, when someone says that everybody's doing it, I DO IT! Yessir, I'm not one to turn down the chance at "being like everyone else," so naturally I have to have my needs met..even by an inanimate object. (You should notice a little irony in this one) 6) I have learned my manners. Well, not really. Opening doors for girls. Let's ponder on how James opens doors for girls. James, remember the time you sprained your thumb? Well, he was "attempting" to hold a door open for this girl when suddenly his thumb gave out and the door smacked the girl right in the forehead WHAM! And the door wasn't one of those flimsy plastic mats that dogs go through either. It was a thick metal door. ha ha, I don't want that happeningto me, so bottom line is, don't sprain your thumb watching spanktravision. 7) Dating tip number two. When you want to show that you like someone of the opposite sex, trip them. Walk close behind them and then when there are just enough people around, knock her books out of her hand and trip her. And when she is pissed as all hell, offer to lend her a hand, and start screaming at the top of your lungs that you are going to kill that son of a bitch who did this! Hey, it just shows how much you like the person. It worked in third grade, why not now? Stay away from stairwells and this approach. Come on, people could get seriously hurt from the stairs! 8) I have learned that no matter how much you shake it, somehow piss always seems to trickle down your leg. Whenever I'm in a hurry, wearing boxers and windpants, this always seems to happen. I get done, I give it a good shake or two, or three, or seven and then when I put it back in it's home, it LEAKS again! Damn. the best way to cover up this uncomfortable feeling is to rub it in to your skin. Nasty, but you can't just let it trickle out. God, i HATE when that happens! 9) I have learned one major thing so far this semester. i know where the famous G-Spot is on a girl. My friend is taking a class on Human Sexuality and his text book kicks ass. If I were in this class I would have the giggles the whole time. Anyway, the G-Spot is originally called the Grafenberg Spot, as a matter of fact. Imagine being this guy. He "finds" a place where a girl goes crazy and then he gets to NAME it after HIMSELF! I mean naming a street after yourself is ONE thing, but his would RULE! Well guys i suppose you want me to tell you where it is huh? Yeah right. Ladies on the other hand, I can demonstrate EXACTLY where it is in a little one on one "class project" if you would like. Okay, you caught me, I was flirting there. Seriously, if I ever find something no one else has ever found on a girl, I'm gonna name it after me. Well, maybe not after me, but I'll give it a cool name like the CYCLOPS muscle, or XLT TRIPLE BLADE ACTION INFRASTRUCTURAL LASER BEAM SUPER THRUSTING PUNISHING ZEBRA gland. That would be awesome. Okay, let me demostrate how cool this would be. Picture two people going at it: Ohhhh, Billy bob, that feels good...ohhh, YES, RIGHT there! Right in my XLT TRIPLE BLADE ACTION INFRASTRUCTURAL LASER BEAM SUPER THRUSTING PUNISHING ZEBRA gland!!!!!!!!!!! 10) I told you I haven't learned a whole lot. Keith PS: I am putting a disclaimer on this. none of these things actually happened. Accept number two. She really did that to me. And then she murdered my family. So you see why I'm a "little" bitter.
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