Friday, March 31, 2000

my parents recently departed for their hotel room.....aaahhh! it's nice to visit, but i have been dying for a cigarette. a little over a month ago i made a deal with my father to quit tobacco together. he thinks i quit....he did. i feel horrible about it, but if he can go without for this long i'll be damned if i'm going to give him any reason to start again. eventually i will quit, but now isn't the time. i feel so honored that he would honor a commitment with me, and i'm ashamed i didn't do the same.

i got some pretty neat-o stuff for my b-day. no scanner, but still fun stuff. my dad had bought me boots when i got here as an early present, but they still brought some things, including a food dehydrator (i've been wanting one for awhile now), a cane yucca plant....yeah! more greenery for me....a ginsu knife set and a second knife set, some butterfly barrettes, a black satin heart-shaped box, and a multi-head scewdriver. i love it! my folks totally pick out the coolest stuff for me! i also got an army issue swiss-style knife. many little gadgets and now i can find a new home for my old one. i think brad might like it.

my mom even brought me an easter "basket"....oodles of candy stuffed down in a sun tea jar with herbal decorations painted on it. it has a pour spout. very groovy.

we took a trip to cabela's so dad could pick up a pair of boots in the bargain cave. he loves that store. when we arrived they fed the fish. we watched....

posted by April Fraze 3/31/2000 07:24:47 PM| link

Thursday, March 30, 2000

i just woke kyra from a bad dream. it pains me to hear her howl.

i've been walking in circles picking up the place waiting for my parents arrival. i want my mother to see i'm not a slob. she thinks i live in filth because i have a dog and two cats indoors.

mom: "you'll never have a nice house with all those animals."

me: "we just have different priorities i suppose."

and now i'm sitting here worrying. dan, my new roommate who knows only me in minnesota, went looking for a job today. that was at 2:00 this afternoon. it's now after 11:00 and he hasn't returned. well, i suppose he's a big boy. i got off-line for awhile in case he called, but then i remembered he has my cell phone number (yes, i have one....i live in a small country town 30 minutes from the main road....and it's minnesota. i'd hate to spend the night in my car on a bad night). so, i wonder if he's truckin' back to indiana. i feel bad, because i had no promises to offer him when he came. all of his friends have a pool going on how long he'll last, and even i wonder if he'll want to stick it out. it's a lot of time alone. coming from a college campus, it can seem like a big let down. solitude isn't for everyone. for me, it's a step on the ladder.
posted by April Fraze 3/30/2000 11:09:04 PM| link

as a kid my friend, doddridge, and i used to go "ghost hunting". man, it was a lot of fun. we would go take his spree to the nearby cemetary and check up on the legends. sometimes i would get so freaked out. what a good time. i miss ghost stories at slumber parties and scaring myself silly.

tonight i checked out real haunted houses in indiana and minnesota. there aren't any really close to me, but apparently there was a place in corydon which is close to where i grew up.....note to self: find doddridge and head out in search of this place on the next trip home.
posted by April Fraze 3/30/2000 07:41:59 PM| link

this bugs me!

the legend of the white buffalo woman is very sacred among native americans. if the cop wanted the animal shot he should have been brave enough to do it himself. how dare he make a man who holds a sacred connection with the animal do the deed! the real tragedy is the fact that there was more than likely a way to get the buffalo "out of the way" (it burns me to even suggest that the buffalo was in the way....argh!).
posted by April Fraze 3/30/2000 07:25:30 PM| link

if you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem!

posted by April Fraze 3/30/2000 07:07:47 PM| link

my peace lily bloomed. the lone flower is creamy white and perfect in every respect. this is what real beauty is.....i've not been extremely lucky with spaths in the past and i have one small failing plant to remind me of that failure. my mom gave me the one start that is now blooming last fall. it was from a crowded plant someone had given her. her attempts have not been as successful. i have another one that i purchased in bloom that has no blooms, but appears to be healthy.

over the past two months i've watched the plants go through various phases of ill health. i posted to gardenweb inquiring about health care tips and began the long crawl to vibrance with these gorgeous flowers...they are one of the best plants for cleaning air, by the way. about a week ago i noticed the bud. slowly it began to open and today it has reached its fullness. it makes me proud.
posted by April Fraze 3/30/2000 06:47:10 PM| link

"what i wonder is why...people are so afraid of everybody coming up with their own reality on their own terms."

--jerry garcia

posted by April Fraze 3/30/2000 05:21:59 PM| link

"if i work as hard as i can in my life. i may be able to end up building this thing that nobody can tear down after i'm dead."

--jerry garcia

posted by April Fraze 3/30/2000 05:18:52 PM| link

yeah! dan has on the road, kerouac! i had loaned out my copy and never got it back....and i had even given it as a gift once, but i haven't seen it in forever. now, let me entertain you with my favorite part, which is on page 8....even in this copy, surprisingly enough. it's the point where dean (neal) and carlo (ginsberg) first meet and sal (jack) is admiring their relationship while feeling somewhat distanced. it reminds me of, well, me:

"they rushed down the street together, digging everything in the early way they had, which later became so much sadder and perceptive and blank. but then they danced down the street like dingledodies, and i shambled after as i've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "awww!"

because you see, my friends, the only ones for me are the mad ones.
posted by April Fraze 3/30/2000 05:10:15 PM| link

tomorrow my parents arrive for their annual birthday visit. they leave indiana tonight to visit the great north.....and me. i know they can't wait. neither can i. i get pampered with good food for a few days and some sort of gift. my mom had mentioned getting me a scanner, so if that happens (and it may not) i'll be able to add some photos to this boring site. too bad i don't have a webcam or a digital camera. one day.
posted by April Fraze 3/30/2000 01:33:53 PM| link

Wednesday, March 29, 2000

now playing: the dylan/cash sessions, 1969

"love is all there is, it makes the world go 'round,
love and only love, it can't be denied.
no matter what you think about it
you just won't be able to do without it.
take a tip from one who's tried.
so if you find someone that gives you all of her love,
take it to your heart, don't let it stray,
for one thing that's certain,
you will surely be a-hurtin',
if you throw it all away."

i threw it all away, bob dylan

is there anyone cooler than bob? i think not. dylan is the ultimate american poet. his lyrics are nothing short of genius.

i honestly can't understand how people can ever say that bob can't sing. i wonder if they're hearing what i am hearing.....it's like, what? can't sing? puh-leeeeeze!! the man's unmatchable. granted his capabilities are not the same as they were, but he still puts on a great show. i've been lucky enough to catch him a few times.

the first time i went to a bob show was in bloomington, in with my dear friend, eric johnson (where are you now, eric? it's not like i can look you up....damn common name!). we stopped at his buddy's house before the show to begin the "festivities." his friend was telling a rather animated story about an argument he had with this girl who insisted that dylan was nothing more than a woody guthrie wanna be. after several rounds of back and forth, eric's buddy stepped up to the plate with the comment : "oh yeah, well you'll never be bob dylan!" indeed!!
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 11:45:39 PM| link

matins and lauds, by marie ponsot

excited as a sophisticated boy at his first
passion of intellect, aware and fully free
having lost title to full liberty; struck
aware, for once, as i would always be;

it day and i still shaken, still sure, see
it is not ring-magic nor the faithing leap of sex
that makes me your woman; marks our free
and separate wills with one intent; sets
my earlier option at dazzling apex
and at naught; cancels, paid, all debts.
restless, incautious, i want to talk violence,
speak wild poems, hush, be still, pray grace
taken forever; and after, lie long in the dense
dark of your embrace, asleep between earth and space.


if you dig deep enough into the old incarnations of this site you can find this poem. i bring it to the front today, because it still mystifies me and i know not everyone gets into the recesses. this poem is incredibly seductive!
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 11:09:22 PM| link

for those of you who care....i updated my tapelist. now, if i could just take a moment to get my "to be received" list together so i'm not trading for things i already have coming to me and if i could just take a little time to listen to what i have and grade them. one day, one day. the cool thing: my roommate moved in this weekend and between him and brad i should be able to more than double my tiny (but stellar if i do say so myself) collection.....yeah!!!!!
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 09:34:13 PM| link

all-around nice person added to weblogs.
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 07:37:42 PM| link

april's project for the day: i started an avocado tree. first you remove the avocado pit, then submerge it half-way in a jar of water. use toothpicks to hold the pit half-way out of the water. i am so excited about my future avocado tree, but then again, it doesn't take much to amuse me.
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 07:11:16 PM| link

according to my referral log, people came to this site from here and here today. i don't see it. can anyone tell me what's up? my curiosity is killing me.
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 06:39:00 PM| link

i just returned from my 2 hours of healing. it started yesterday with cleaning out the flower beds. today i built a compost pile out of metal fence posts and garden wire....next i raked the flower bed mess up to the pen. there's something satisfying in this type of work. tomorrow night...if the lovely weather holds....i will work on more raking. i don't think the previous tenants were into yard work. me, i dig it.

raking the leaves away from the grass is kind of like a wake up call..."hey you! it's time to get up and grow!" i plan on having the coolest yard in town......if you don't believe me, just drive through le center in july. hopefully by then my garden will be sprouting organic goodness and herbal bliss......aaaah! spring.
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 05:33:03 PM| link

the webring is now official. just got word from jish that i had been added.
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 05:26:08 PM| link

i am such a web slut, i joined jish's webring. just can't get enough traffic. the link is above, but it hasn't been acvtivated yet....give it sometime.
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 01:26:02 PM| link

sometimes.

sometimes i need ice cream,
and sometimes i need salt.

sometimes i need sunshine
but lightening will often do.
and there is time for social action
and times to be alone,
but all the rules are broken,
cause i always wish for you.

i'm a big cheesy nerd...that's all there is to it, and i pride myself on my sappy sentimental nature, so i wrote this little ditty, with third grade insight. cause it's ok to be sappy. our world could use a little more cheese.
i wish everyone would let down their guard. just imagine the sunshine of a world of honesty and love.....ah...the beauty of the day and the loveliness of my life have pushed me over the giddy edge.

posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 12:16:24 PM| link

i added a new blog to my list of reading today: i really must insist you leave by patti wells. working out of my home over the past 3 months makes it easy to relate to her home office rant. i think many people don't realize the emotional difference....you leave an office and a lot of the feelings of work at 5:00. when you work at home, there is no clearly defined cut-off and it can wreak havoc on your mental state. at least that's what i think.
anyway, i thought her blog was cool and i wanted to make it available so i could get back to it later and dig a little deeper.

posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 10:52:12 AM| link

if you don't mind listening to one 5-15 second advertisement in order to get your voice mail, you can set-up a free account with e-voice. you can also set up a private box not connected to your number which makes it especially nice if you have roommates. i personally like the fact that my mailbox is toll-free so i can get messages from long distance friends and family....pretty nifty, eh?
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 10:35:59 AM| link

i just got an e-mail alert that fattire.com is now a part of trails.com. if you're looking for a place to bike or hike, check them out. very cool!
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 12:19:58 AM| link

many weblogs have links. mine does, too, but less frequently. i spend more time reading and re-reading books that amaze me. i add the passages that mesmerize me to my site. i hope that it interests at least one person.
posted by April Fraze 3/29/2000 12:04:40 AM| link

Tuesday, March 28, 2000

"a longing for the divine is intrinsic in homo sapiens. (for all we know it is innate in squirrels, dandelions, and diamond rings, as well.) we approach the divine by enlarging our souls and lighting up our brains. to expedite those two things may be the mission of our existence.

well and good. but such activity runs counter to the aspirations of commerce and politics. politics is the science of domination, and persons in the process of enlargement and illumination are notoriously difficult to control. therefore, to protect its vested interests, politics usurped religion a very long time ago. kings bought off priests with land and adornments. together, they drained the shady ponds and replaced them with fish tanks. the walls of the tanks were constructed of ignorance and superstition, held together with fear. they called the tanks 'synagogues' or 'churches' or 'mosques.'

after the tanks were in place, nobody talked much about soul anymore. instead, they talked about spirit. soul is hot and heavy. spirit is cool, abstract, detached. soul is connected to the earth and its waters. spirit is connected to the sky and its gases. out of the gases springs fire. firepower. it has been observed that the logical extension of all politics is war. once religion became political, the exercise of it, too, could be said to lead sooner or later to war. "war is hell." thus, religious belief propels us straight to hell. history unwaveringly supports this view. (each modern religion has boasted that it and it alone is on speaking terms with the deity, and its adherents have been quite willing to die -and kill- to support its presumptuous claims.)

not every silty bayou could be drained, of course. the soulfish that bubbled and snapped in the few remaining ponds were tagged "mystics." they were regarded as mavericks, exotic and inferior. if they splashed too high, they were thought to be threathening and in need of extermination. the fearful flounders in the tanks, now psychologically dependent upon addictive spirit flakes, had forgotten that once upon a time they, too, had been mystical.

religion is nothing but institutionalized mysticism. the catch is, mysticism does not lend itself to institutionalization. the moment we attempt to organize mysticism, we destroy its essence. religion, then, is mysticism in which the mystical has been killed. or at least diminished."

--skinny legs and all, tom robbins

profound thought for the day.
posted by April Fraze 3/28/2000 11:56:01 PM| link

"what is politics, after all, but the compulsion to preside over property and make other people's decisions for them? liberty, the very opposite of ownership and control, cannot, then, result from political action, either at the polls or the barricades, but rather evolves out of attitude. if it results from anything, it may be levity."

--skinny legs and all, tom robbins

reminds of marley.
posted by April Fraze 3/28/2000 10:57:50 PM| link

dear brad,

forgive me, but i didn't quit. my sincerest apology.

love,
april

posted by April Fraze 3/28/2000 10:42:42 PM| link

all of the re-decoratating by sarah, jonathan and rick has inspired me. when i started this blog.....about a month or so ago, i never intended on keeping the same color scheme. i did get lazy, however, so it sat for awhile. eventually i hope to make a major change...but in the meantime, maybe this will be a little easier on the eyes.
posted by April Fraze 3/28/2000 09:47:32 PM| link

in my sexual psychology course in college my professor told us about a myth that i have been trying to locate. if anyone has any information regarding this story, please e-mail me. here's the myth as i remember it:

in the beginning of time humans were actually super -human or double beings. there were three types: man-man, woman-woman, and man-woman. at some point one of the gods split the super-humans and made them singular. since that point the individual humans have been looking for their other halves.

i love this legend. it explains soul-mates and homosexuality as well as heterosexuality, so it is less limited than a lot of religious explanations of love.
posted by April Fraze 3/28/2000 01:49:36 PM| link

"the conch shell is the voice of buddha, the birth-bed of aphrodite, the horn that drives away all demons and draws lost mariners home from the sea. colored by the moon, shaped by the primal geometry, it is the original dreamboat, the sacred submarine that carries fertility to its rendezvous with poetry.

shaped by the primal geometry? no, the conch shell is primal geometry. its perfect logarithmic spiral coils from left to right around an axis of fundamental truth. a house exuded by the dreams of its inhabitant, it is the finest example of the architecture of imagination, the logic of desire.

a calcified womb, a self-propelled nest, the conch shell outlasts its tenant, its builder, to go on alone, reminding the world's forgetful of their watery sexuality."

--skinny legs and all, tom robbins

i dig it.
posted by April Fraze 3/28/2000 01:38:10 PM| link

"...they willingly would have revealed to ellen cherry the true character of jezebel's transgressions. to wit: her misdeed was her devotion to astarte. because that devotion was contagious (being an instinctive human reflex), because it weakened the grip of the yahweh cult, she was slandered, framed, and finally murdered.

when the moment arrived, jezebel was thoroughly aware that she was to be assassinated. she put up her ergot-black hair, donned her tiara, rouged her cheeks and lips, applied kohl to the lids of her huge phoenician eyes, and went to face her killer with the style, dignity, and grace befitting a reigning queen. so much for painted hussies.

the dog sucked bones of jezebel may be the skeleton that bangs its knobs in the closet of our race.

why wasn't ellen cherry aware of all this? why wasn't the mass of humankind aware of it? because veils of ignorance, disinformation, and illusion separate us from that which is imperative to our understanding of our evolutionary journey, shields us from the mystery that is central to being.

the first of those veils conceals the repression of the goddess, masks the sexual face of the planet, drapes the ancient foundation stone of erotic terror that props up modern man's religion."

--skinny legs and all, tom robbins

now there's food for thought.

i left saturday for indiana...on a greyhound....the first few hours i did a great deal of reading from this book and ended up marking off several pages. this is the first quote. it reminds me of my friend, al, who once discussing ufos said something along these lines (sorry if this is a misquote al, but i wasn't exactly taking notes):

"when you're a kid and you see something in the sky....it's a ufo, and then you go to school and get older and into our government-shaped society, then when you see a light it's a plane."

jezebel is a well-known name. she's the hussy from the bible. a sinner of grand proportions. so does anyone know what she did that was so wrong?
posted by April Fraze 3/28/2000 11:10:06 AM| link