I just started this part so you'll have to bear with me as I begin either adding stories, or creating new ones. I'll have some poems as well. I think you'll like it.
This isn't so much a story as it is an observation. I do all of
my writing here at the computer lab at school, and this allows me
to watch people as I write. Right now, in front of me, there's
a guy on the phone. Now while that may not be news to you, it's
what he's talking about and who he's talking to that brings a
smile to my face. Some people never really learn that you shouldn't
talk very loud when you're on a public phone. Some people want you
to hear what they're talking about, but most people just have no
real clue. Take this guy, for instance, he gets on the phone and
calls up someone. I wouldn't normally be able to hear who he'd
be talking to, but this guy seems content on telling everyone when
he says, "Mother?" Mother?! Hello, you're supposed to be a big
boy now, and you really shouldn't have to be checking in with your
mom anymore. His conversation continues when he says, "Come home,
why? I have to study. There's a bunch of guys up here and we
have to make a cheat sheet." Come on now, if you're going to take
part in Scholastic Dishonesty, don't let everyone know, okay?
You know, after he got off the phone with his mom, I
couldn't help but try to picture what this woman looked like. I
figured that she must be at least a couple hundred pounds, couch-ridden
with a TV tray surgically attached to her mid-section, and grossly
authoritative. Maybe she's one of those women who love their son's
a little too much. You know, the kind that have horror movies
based on them.
Yeah, I know, not much of a story, but I had to tell you.
The following events occured on a Saturday afternoon, in the town of San Antonio.
There will be no name changes, because no one is innocent.
After a long day of hunting for Hotwheels (look at my spare time page), My girlfriend,
Loni, my roomate, Ron, and I went for a bite to eat. Believe me, it was a really long day.
This was the first time I had actually been bored at a collector's convention. It was
so boring, that Ron and I decided to take up another Collectible Card Game, On The Edge.
When we could not hold hunger back any longer, we decided to go to the McDonald's on
De Zavala. I'm giving actual locations here so that you can check out these places and
laugh at what occurred at these places. Upon entering the McDonald's, we all realized (okay,
maybe it was just me) that we had entered the very pits of Hell. If you remember, around this
time McDonald's had just started their god-forsaken "Teeny Beanie Babies" campaign. Children from
across the town were forcing their parents to McDonalds just so that they could eat an overpriced,
underportioned Happy Meal. These kids didn't even care about their food; they probably ate a
french fry and then went straight to the beanie baby with their hands still covered in
the ketchup they could not open. If you ever see a McDonald's like this, folks, GET THE
HELL AWAY FROM IT! I am not kidding, weird crap goes on at these locations at these times.
The noise level is enough to drive you insane! I looked around and saw children who had not
yet learned how to eat, parents who did not seem to care, and employees that appeared to be
worn out. I hadn't even ordered yet and I knew that this was going to be an eventful meal.
Ahead of me in line were a group of high school baseball players. "Oh great," I thought, "now I know this'll be fun."
I smiled to myself as I remembered how much I hated high school jocks. They just reminded me of the big,
overgrown, underbrained oafs that I went to school with when I was younger. What's funny is that
these guys were talking about pretty much the same thing that the jocks were in my school -- bullshit.
The ogre-boys made me nervous-- I was wearing my brand-new Addidas and I swear that I was going to
kill one or all of them if they happened to step back and place one of their huge clumsy feet on my
pristene, white, three-stripers. The big boys ordered a lot of food and wasted a lot of my time
with stupid remarks to the chashier.
It was my turn to order and I decided to get one of those 20-piece chicken McNuggets extra value meals. Hell, I
was hungry, and I wanted chicken. The funny thing about chicken McNuggets is that they only come in about three
pieces; the state of Louisiana, a circle, and a rectangle. If any of you find any more shapes, write to me. Ron
ordered a McRib value meal and a 20-piece chicken McNugget order. He slowly ate himself into unconsciousness...
Before I ate, I went to the restroom to go wash my hands. Hey, don't you? Anyway, as soon as I went to the
restroom, I had to go take a leak, but when I looked into the urinal, I noticed something...
On my way out of the hazardous waste dump, I started thinking, "what kind of individual would be so evil as to spawn an idea such as this?" I then began formulating possible scenarios and criminal profiles. Obviously, this individual was very crafty and cunning; I mean, how else would you describe someone who took the time to defecate into a urinal? "Shit," I thought; well it was all I could think of for the time being, "maybe it was even worse then I thought." This person could have done the deed in a few different ways--
Then I thought, "wait a minute, if he did it this way, then how would he wipe? I mean, there is no toilet paper dispenser by the urinal, and the stall is a good walk (for someone with dingle-berries) away from the urinal." Could you imagine how this person would have looked shuffling towards the urinal with his pants around the ankles? I smiled, and said, "nah...he couldn't have been that sloppy, could he?" I remembered that the floor was soaked with urine. Hell, it looked like someone just mopped the floor in piss! You would have been able to see the wide spaced shoe-streaks on top of the tile. Tile has a tendency to reveal who's been walking on it. Since there were no streaks, (maybe the floor was deliberately urinated upon to hide the evidence) the culprit must have taken enough toilet paper PRIOR to his defecation. That made sense; that way there would be no hobbling nor shuffling to ged rid of the dingle-berries. Smart, very smart. Doing it this way, would also reduce the chance of getting caught. Shitting and shuffling take a lot of time. Time was not on the culprit's side. He needed to get in, drop the drawers, pinch a loaf, wipe, pull up the pants, and then get out. Whether there was a cleansing of the hands is another matter. You bastard, why didn't you just build Stonehendge, or a Moai from Easter Island on top of the urinal drain? Why this? You are a disgusting individual and I will figure this out. Can you see what I'm going through here? This guy thinks that he can get away with something like this, but he won't; I'll figure this out yet.
Oooohhh, you're so good, but I'm better. You didn't think that I noticed any other evidence, huh? Do you think that I didn't see the hand dryer directly in front of the urinal? I see, so you're a gymnast....What did you do, what did you do? Ah-ha! You turned around to take a dump, that's almost a given, then you took your dump, leaned forward, with your pants still around your ankles, and engaged in a handstand maneuver! Oh you sly dog, then you walked on your hands, towards the hand dryer, and hit the big button with your foot! Of course! Then, the hot air at high speed would proceed to both dry and blow away any remaining fecal matter. To hide the fact that you would actually place your hands on the floor, you then urinated over the floor to eliminate "the handstand hypothesis." Very clever, Mr. Mystery, but there is another way....
There was another way, there had to be, but I was too unthinkable. Well, maybe not, considering the utter barbarous manner this person conducted his business. Stay with me, readers, you'll probably get lost, or too grossed out at this point. Let's backtrack for a moment and remember how I profiled our culprit, shall we? First, I thought that he was a total gutter-heap by not wiping his business end before leaving the lavatory. Next, I went on to deduce how he could have redeemed his humanity by utilizing some form of gymnastic maneuver to rid himself of his fecal fruit (dingle-berries, to the unimaginative). I think I now realize the error in my judgement! He wants me to think of him as an astute lavatory terrorist, while in fact, he had no more guile than your everyday cultitst. You almost had me fooled, my friend, but you're not dealing with an average sleuth. I should have gone with my gut feeling, my first hypothesis-- you are trash. There were no aerial acrobatics, no pre-meditated madness, you simply acted on impulse and decided that you would wreck a little havoc on this defenseless lavatory. Your kind should be drowned in a freshly deposited commode. I now know the method to your madness; you simply decided, in mid-shit, to put your hands between your legs and catch your newly born progeny! Oh you are so disgusting! You wouldn't even bother to wash your hands if you had come up with such a devious scheme. Your mind was dirtier than your feces could have ever stained your hands. But just when I feel that I've broken you down, I have another thought; just how did you know when was the right time to do this? The feces you left behind was not, drippy, runny, or soft, but was instead hard and firm, with many sections to it. This is what confuses me; if you're such a barbarian, how did you know what to eat to cause this kind of deposit? Not all food causes the same type feces, and I'm sure that you readers also know this. This person must have been a professional. He knew what to eat, how long to wait, and how long to dump. All of his planning resulted to one highly compact crap. Can you see the genius in this person? He knew that salads don't cut it, soup gets to runny, and that if he ate too much, he'd wind up with a "breaker" instead of the six-inch loaf of perfection he left behind. My hat goes off to you, evil genius, you have my respect.
I then told Loni and Ron of the whole ordeal, but not exactly during
the meal because I didn't want them to lose their appetites.
Instead, I waited til they were almost done before I broke the
news to them. I told them of my hypotheses and my profile of the
perpetrator, but I don't think they shared my admiration. I told
Ron to take a look at the object, but he said he'd wait a bit.
Just then, one of the managers walked into the men's restroom
and I told my two companions that he would have a site to behold
once he got in. Sure enough, when he finally emerged from the
vault, he had a bewildered look on his face as if he had gone
through the same posturing I had. He shook his head all the way
to the front counter. Ron then decided to look at the loaf, but when
he came out, he said it was no longer there.
NNNNNnnnnooooooo!!!!! This could not be! When I ran to see if he was telling the truth, I found out for myself that the testament to dregs of human etiquette had been washed away, leaving a few chocolate chips behind. I felt betrayed; it was if someone had swept away the Great Wall of China before I got to see it. I was heartbroken, but I had to go on. I still remember the dung left behind by this demented individual and it brings a smile to face from time to time. Even though its gone, it will continue to live in my heart, and through the words of this story. Please continue the magic by telling others about this story and by pointing others to this page. We can keep the memory alive, together.
For more funny stories, check out
Jamie Diaz's story page.
His page talks about what happens at work as a tech. All day long he has
to take calls from people asking, "What's wrong with my computer?"
It's really funny seeing how stupid some people are.
You have never
seen stupidiy until you have dealt with people as part of your
profession. Heck, I used to work at a fast food place, and you should
hear some of the stories that I have about that.
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