Dr Les Goes Bonkers in Hongkers

Dr Les Goes Bonkers in Hongkers

Here's the latest diatribe from my old chum Dr Les, the world's grumpiest Chelsea fan, and the only one to have criticised my site in five years. Luckily for all of us he's now inflicting his medical expertise on the innocent burghers of Hong Kong. I will apologise to each of his points as he makes them:

"You sir have finally lost what little fucking grey matter you ever possessed. How do I reach this conclusion? Fucking easily thats how, but specifically for the following reasons:

1) You were born in Newcastle and support Chelsea.
It's true. I was born there. I apologise on behalf of my mother, who was following my father around, who was in Newcastle with the Marines defending the country from the Norwegians. Anyway I was only there for six months.

2) You praise Liverpool for charging 13 quid a ticket but you fail to acknowledge that in real terms that is the equivalent to charging 150 quid in London, (sign on, sign on, with your cap in your hand etc).
You've got a point, Doc. You can still buy an Armani suit and get pissed out of your mind for a fiver in Liverpool. I apologise to Uncle Ken, Colin H and Eddie Barnett.

3) You still fail to support Claudio even though he's The Man
I beg to differ. Claudio has thus far proved only to be a world champion gurner. This does not make him The Man. In footballing terms he's yet only a callow youth with spots.

4) You still support Vialli, that Italian playboy, even though he spent 10 million on Sutton, did not have a coaching badge and used to sport an outrageous perm that even cunting Kevin Keegan would not have been seen dead with. Remember you had the foresight to call Vialli a clown when he first arrived at Chels, you are indeed a prophet
I do still support Vialli, even though I christened him Coco the Clown after one or two of his less convincing performances when he first arrived. I put Vialli's Harpo Marx perm down to a temporary loss of reason, a medical affliction about which, as a sufferer and a medical man, you will know more than I. It doesn't excuse Kevin Keegan though. Nothing does. And remember that you haven't got a coaching badge either, even though you're a far better tactician than Vialli.

5) You constantly bemoan the courageous actions of Sir Ken, the man who saved Chelsea from the Mears brothers, and turned us around from a tinpot no nark team to one that has taken the football world by storm and instead of being beaten 6-0 by Rotherham we are spanking Man Utd 5-0.
True. I should know better than to slag off Saint Ken, who did indeed save us from the Marx Brothers. Ken's idea to save the fans from themselves by erecting a 15ft electrified barbed wire fence around the pitch was truly visionary, and was only scuppered when the lefties at Hammersmith & Fulham council claimed it would endanger life. Poppycock. A few thousand volts never hurt anyone. That's half the trouble with this country. Six months in the army would do them.. (etc)

6) You are a regular contributor to Liverpool FC's matchday programme - ie a fucking turncoat
I have written a couple of articles about Chelsea for the Liverpool programme, yes. In the latest one I reminded the scousers about how we did them 4-2 in that Cup game after being 2-0 down at half time, and laughed at them for being seen on Sky TV crying like babies. I have done us all a favour by infiltrating the enemy's stronghold and slapping them round the face. Anyway they paid me for it, thus getting one back for all the Londoners who've ever lost their hubcaps.

7) You were seen booing Jody Morris when he scored against fucking Bolton a couple of seasons back
Along with 32,999 other people who were hoping Everton would get relegated. Jody's goal saved them, and he even booed himself. There was just one miserable fucker in the whole ground who didn't join in with the fun, Doc. Do you remember who it was ?

The Doc's final comment requires no reply, and is printed because it made me laugh:
"Nuff said? Then cop on fuckface and get with the programme. I hope the Premier League gives you a good kicking in the carpark. You're worse than Mark Lawrenson.
Dr Les, The Voice of Reason"
Cheers, Doc. Keep taking the tablets you're prescribing yourself. PS: I had a full medical checkup the other day, if you know what I mean, and made an interesting discovery. You're a medical man: please explain why it was that when my GP stuck her finger up my ringpiece and tickled my walnut I immediately "went off" ? Luckily I was facing the wall at the time or things could have been a lot worse.