Picture the scene: A glorious Easter Sunday, 23rd April 2000. The St Andrews
University football pitches are looking uncharacteristically healthy with most Sunday League fixtures
over. Forty-eight teams are assembling on the pitches for one of the most popular days
in the St Andrews Uni sporting calendar - the K*te K****dy Club six-a-side tournament.
For the Universty's worst football side, the infamous Real Ale Sociedad FC, it had
been another season of misery and inept performances, "culminating" in the achievement
of successfully retaining the Wooden Spoon, with an impressive nine league defeats, plus a
first round exit from the cup. However, a memorable achievement was on the horizon for the eight
now-legendary squad members.
The Squad
James BOLLIS (Defence) - The squad's flying Welshman, a stylish and accomplished centre half whose presence is vital to the back line. Enjoyed a fine Sixes tournament, doubtless helped by the
tournament structure which enabled him to get in a fag every ten minutes between matches.
Rob DUNCAN (Defence/Midfield) - Benefitted from the fact that Middlesbrough did not have a home fixture to play on the Easter weekend. This lightning quick utility man was generally used as a substitute.
Matt ELIAS (Midfield) - Had an excellent tournament, boosted by his punctuality which surprisingly allowed him to compete in the crucial first match. Bagged the third goal in the last group game.
Nish GUNASINGHAM (Defence) - The Butcher of Blackburn was a regular starter, fitness or lack thereof permitting, and had a solid day with his usual complement of uncompromising tackles.
Matt JONES (Defence) - Usually a substitute, but impressed with his absurdly laid-back style when given the opportuniity to play.
Andy LYLE (Midfield) - Automatic choice in the centre of the park, where he had a good day. Also played in goal for the penalty shoot-out.
Graeme SCOTLAND (Goalkeeper) - Unquestionably the star of the show, becoming the first Real Ale 'keeper to keep a shut-out and went on to manage two more. Pulled off a string of stunning saves of which Lev Yashin would have been proud. Also responsible for writing the Real Ale website.
Jamie SCOTLAND (Forward) - Splendid outing as the lone marksman, scoring four goals in four games. This even despite the fact the goals were less than half the standard height.
THE MATCHES
First Round - Group K
LIVERPETE 2-0 EN CUEROS S.
A comfortable, convincing victory for Liverpete against a weak looking En Cueros side, consisting mainly of American women. The Real Ale lads now begin to fear utter humiliation - could they be beaten by Yank birds??
REAL ALE SOCIEDAD 1-0 ALL TRICKS
The legendary first victory for Real Ale. Spurred on by a solid first half performance, which left the score 0-0 at the interval, Real Ale secured three points (tripling in one swoop their previous all-time tally) with a free-kick struck by their Sunday league top scorer, Jamie. All Tricks, who had forced Graeme into some good saves in the first period, rarely looked like getting back into the
contest with some excellent possession play from the Real Alesters, and composed defending from the back pair of Nish and James, and latterly Matt Jones. The final whistle brought on overwhelming feelings of confusion for the Real Ale boys, but also their opponents. As Jonesy reported, one member of the opposition squad - made up of players from Second Division Inter Shafting - had inquired, "Are you really Real Ale?"
EN CUEROS S. 0-3 ALL TRICKS
En Cueros became one of the first teams eliminated from the competition after a feeble performance resulted in this minor thrashing, keeping alive All Tricks' hopes of progressing to the next round.
REAL ALE SOCIEDAD 1-1 LIVERPETE
Another scoreless first half despite a slightly nervous display by Real Ale and goalkeeper Graeme, but Real Ale, being slightly outplayed overall, nevertheless took the advantage in the second half with Jamie's second goal of the competition, following a cut-back from Matt Jones. Liverpete, not to be outdone, took advantage of a defensive slip to equalise with a fine finish past the onrushing goalkeeper, but were unable to find the winner which would have virtually assured their place in the last sixteen. The draw did keep them at the top of the table, and left Real Ale, with only the Yank wimen to play, pondering the possibility of qualification or even topping the group. A tense hour of waiting for their final group game would follow.
Possible Permutations... Any one - or perhaps two, with four best runners-up spots available - of three teams (Liverpete, Real Ale, All Tricks) could advance through to the next round. The crucial match was the Liverpete-All Tricks clash. All Tricks had to win, or else be eliminated; Liverpete would go out if beaten, and would need a favour from El Cueros if they drew. If victorious, Liverpete would surely advance, at least as one of the best runners-up, with seven points.
Real Ale knew victory was needed to progress, since they could not top the group with a draw, regardless of the other result. Three points would surely send them through. They could finish top of the table with a win if EITHER Liverpete failed to win OR Real Ale beat El Cueros by two more goals than Liverpete beat All Tricks. Confused...?
LIVERPETE 0-1 ALL TRICKS
The situation became clearer with this impressive victory from All Tricks, who won courtesy of an early first half goal, and could well have added to their score. Elimination for Liverpete, some hope for All Tricks, who would win the group if Real Ale could not beat El Cueros.
REAL ALE SOCIEDAD 3-0 EN CUEROS S.
Knowing a win would secure them a first ever table-topping spot, a pumped-up Real Ale side ruthlessly desposed of the mixed-sex En Cueros, who never troubled 'keeper Graeme. The midfield of Lyle and Matt Elias was dominant, and Jamie added another pair to his tally, burning the slow and disorganised Cueros defence with his scorching pace, making the score 2-0 by the break. Victory seemed inevitable, and their ascendancy continued in the second period, adding to their score with a good strike from hippy-haired Elias. Keeping the game largely in their opponents' half, Real Ale killed the clock to clinch TOP SPOT in Group K.
| TEAM | P | W | D | L | F | A | Pts | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Real Ale Sociedad | ||||||||
| 2 | All Tricks | ||||||||
| 3 | Liverpete | ||||||||
| 4 | En Cueros S. |
Second Round (Last Sixteen)
REAL ALE SOCIEDAD 0-0 ROB AND HIS FRIENDS (Rob & His Friends win 4-2 on pens.)
Real Ale's brave fight was put to an end by the cleverly-named Rob and His Friends after a nerve-jangling penalty shoot-out. The match itself ended scoreless despite the almost total domination of Rob and His Friends. Graeme was forced into a number of important saves from wave after wave of attacks, not helped by poor distribution from the goalkeeper and the quick death of Real Ale counter-attacks. Although the defence, under considerable pressure, did a good enough job, Rob and His Friends should have triumphed but lacked poise and often accuracy in their finishing.
The shoot-out took place after a debate about which set of goals it should be held in, with the official decision being made to hold it in full-size goals, even though this meant changing pitches. Already put off their stride by this (any excuse, eh?) Real Ale succumbed after Matt Elias fired the first kick over and James saw his effort well saved, with Graeme and Jamie scoring in between. Rob and His Friends' perfect strike rate against Andy Lyle - chosen to go in goal for the shoot-out due to his superior reach - booked their quarter-final place, although Real Ale could hold their heads high after being eliminated technically unbeaten, and having conceded just once in four games.
The Rest of the Tournament, If Anyone Cares
The competition was eventually won by The Professionals, and invitational team from Edinburgh, defeating Punani Magnets 6-5 on penalties in the final. Other points of interest were the elimination of Sunday League big-shots such as Hot Stuff, Big Prizes and Atholl at the first hurdle, thus securing Third Division Wooder-Spooners Real Ale's status as a better six-a-side team. Worth noting also that since Real Ale were one of only two teams eliminated in the second round by penalties, they must be considered one of the top ten sides in the competition. Out of forty-eight!