Have you ever said anything you regretted later on? Are there times when things happen that seem to push you beyond the point where you can make the "appropriate" response? We have all experienced difficult situations in our lives. What allows us to move on is determined by how we react to things over which we do not always have control.

In times of conflict and change, our anger response is usually triggered by one or two factors. We may sense some frustration, such as when things are not going the way we would like, or we feel threatened, as when somebody verbally attacks us, disagrees with our viewpoint or physically invades our comfort zone. An inappropriate anger response in either our business or personal lives can have long-term negative consequences.

We must first realize no one makes us angry ... we choose to be angry based on what we tell ourselves about our situation. Our two most common responses when we get angry or defensive are:

1. FIGHT
   This is based on the theory that the best defense is a good offense. We argue or say things which we later wish we had not said and although we know from experience that "fight" does not produce good results, we still do it!!
2. FLIGHT
   We may choose to avoid or ignore the other person or situation which is "making us angry" although the consequence of this choice is usually to later beat up on ourselves for having allowed others to manipulate us in this fashion. The real problem has never been addressed and we are doomed to repeat the behaviour again and again. While avoidance can produce temporary relief, it can also be responsible for much of the subsequent stress we must endure.

So if these two choices do not produce positive results, why are they so popular? There are at least two explanations:

• They come from our basic animal instincts. When one animal encounters another in the woods and one or both feels the least bit threatened, it is FIGHT or FLIGHT that happens. Are you operating your life with this jungle mentality?
• We were also trained to behave this way when we were children. If you were picked on by someone else, the choice was either "knock his lights out" or "come home a different way and leave them alone". While sometimes it seems irresistible to "bop someone in the nose", it is not a particularly constructive customer service technique.

• COPING SKILLS

   

Which include a number of specific communication techniques allow us to more effectively deal with our own anger as well as being able to handle others who are temporarily out of control.

It is important to realize these skills can be learned and they work provided you are willing to implement them on a consistent basis. While the first step may sound oversimplified, it is a key step in being successful. You must get yourself to slow down and delay any knee-jerk reactions often associated with anger. One way to do this is to ask and answer the following question:

"What am I saying to myself right now about this situation?"

Once you realize you are telling yourself to get angry, you can make the choice, (not an easy one), to tell yourself you can stay in control and choose an alternate response.

Choices available include the following:

• LISTEN ... Becoming a better listener at least will slow you down and may even prevent those times when you blurt out that comment in anger you later regret. Listen more and talk less even when you have an opposing point of view. You may also widen your perspective on a situation just by listening first before you speak.
• ASK MORE QUESTIONS ... asking questions that generate more than a YES or NO answer requires the other person to clarify his/her position and gives both of you additional time to calm down.
• DISAGREE DIPLOMATICALLY ... people are entitled to their opinions just as you are and usually will honour your rights if you don't attack their beliefs and make them feel defensive.
• SHARE RESPONSIBILITY ... involving the other person in coming up with solutions to problem situations allows them to buy into the solution and shares the responsibility for solving any misunderstandings. Please note that their perception of being involved in developing solutions may be more important than whether or not their ideas are adopted!
• HANDLE STRESS ... learn to recognize the symptoms and steps for dealing with it. Identify any people, places or situations that are common to your stressful times and plan for future occurrences; be prepared rather than reacting all the time.

1. Everyone must participate, none of us is as smart as all of us.
2. There is no evaluation placed on any idea until all ideas have been given; we are looking for quantity, not quality. All ideas are then rated on their individual merits rather than in relation to each other and the one chosen is the one with the most pros and fewest cons. This way, everyone was involved in the decision and even if your idea is not used, you still played a part.