Mankind Vs. The Warrior:

Ross: "Hello, Tony. Seems like the 2-man announce team concept is catching on of late."

Schiavone: "It’s the greatest fad in the history of this great sport!"

Ross: "What’s with the leather jacket, new haircut, and... Oh my GOODNESS! Tony, you aren’t wearing any pants!"

Schiavone: "It’s all part of the new ‘street’ Tony Schiavone, Jim. Besides, my legs are well hidden."

Ross: "As well they should! Here comes Mankind."

Mankind’s entrance theme booms through the arena as he makes his way to the ring to a loud pop from the crowd in attendance.

Ross: "Are those butts I see in them seats, Tony?"

Schiavone: "..."

Then comes Warrior’s theme, as the man once known as Ultimate runs to the ring like a maniac! Warrior slides on the mat, bounces off the ropes a few times, then starts shaking the top rope violently!

Ross: "Is this some kind of mating ritual?" Schiavone: "The Warrior does not mate, Jim. He’s self-reproductive."

Ross: "Good lord..."

Mankind is the first to strike, with a surprise clothesline from behind, knocking Warrior clear out of the ring. The bell rings, signaling the match has begun.

Schiavone: "Running lariat by Mankind!"

Ross: "Actually, that was a CLOTHESLINE, Tony… not a lariat."

Mankind climbs to the top rope and jumps through the Spanish announcers’ table, even though Warrior’s nowhere near it.

Schiavone: "What did he do that for? Warrior’s on the other side of the ring..."

Warrior walks towards Mankind, lifts him, and throws him into the ring. He then climbs in, and tries to grab him by the hair, but is left only with clumps of hair in his hands. Mankind seizes the opportunity to hit Warrior in the groin in the midst of his confusion.
             Warrior falls to his knees in agony, as the ring fills with white smoke.

Ross: "Great balls of fire! Pardon the pun..."

Schiavone: "He’s teleporting! Warrior is teleporting! Oh my God!"

Ross: "You’re right, Tony, the smoke is clearing and... Warrior’s gone, Tony."

Schiavone: "This is the greatest moment in professional wrestling!"

Ross: "Well, let’s not get... hey, I just heard someone cough from under the ring."

Schiavone: "Well, there are technicians under there, Jim, and--"

Ross: "I just saw something crawl out from under the ring and into the crowd... could it be--"

Schiavone: "IT’S JUST A TECHNICIAN, JIM."

Ross: "Look, he’s making his way through the crowd, bumping and pushing fans cheering him on along the way..."

Schiavone: "A LIGHTBULB MUST BE BURNT SOMEWHERE, JIM."

Ross: "He’s turning around... it’s him! It’s the Warrior!"

Crowd pops!

Schiavone: "OH MY GOODNESS, WARRIOR JUST TELEPORTED INTO THAT TECHNICIAN’S BODY! IS THERE NO LIMIT TO THIS MAN’S POWERS?"

Mankind climbs the top rope, jumps and lands on the concrete floor.

Schiavone: "What the heck did he do THAT again for? Warrior’s nowhere near him."

Warrior comes back towards the ring, giving a few fans copies of his resume along the way. He grabs a chair and smashes Mankind with it.

Schiavone: "Suplex by the Warrior!"

Ross grumbles roughly

Mankind pulls out a handful of nail tacks!

Schiavone: "OH MY GOD!"

Warrior rolls back into the ring, as Mankind throws the tacks on the ground at ringside and the jumps face-first into them!

Schiavone: "GROSS! WHAT THE @#$% IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN!?"

Mankind gets back up, pulls a few tacks out of his face, and runs into the ring with a vengeance... but it fills with smoke again.

Ross: "There’s that smoke again… hey, I heard a squeaking sound... like a door openi--"

Schiavone: "WHAT A MOMENT!"

Ross: "What a surprise. Warrior’s gone again."

Schiavone: "Let’s see that again in slow-motion!"

Ross: "Isn’t smoke slow enough in real-time? Why are you... hey! Warrior’s crawling out from under the--"

Schiavone: "Here we have Mankind rushing the ring, and look – there’s the smoke coming in..."

Ross: "@#$% the replay, you just missed Warrior crawling out from--"

Schiavone: "...and we’re back to live action – OH MY GOD! Warrior’s back! HOW DOES HE DO IT!?"

Ross: "I am going to hurt you."

Mankind runs, jumps over the top rope, and crashes onto the Spanish announcers themselves: Miguel, Jose, and Tito Santana, who no longer have a table to break.

Schiavone: "What is it you people have against Spain!?"

Mankind gets up, spits out 2 teeth, and pulls out Mr Socko to a thunderous pop from the crowd.

Ross: "IT’S MR SOCKO!"

Schiavone: "It’s a sock, Jim."

Ross: "It’s not just a sock, it’s an adven... Hey, what’s THAT? Socko is... no... can it BE? Can it... YES! Mr Socko is wearing a little O.W.N. shirt, with Warrior face paint! Socko has joined the One Warrior Nation, ladies and gentlemen!"

Mankind applies the Mandible Claw on himself!

Schiavone: "Drop toe-hold by Mankind!"

Jim Ross pushes Schiavone off his chair.

Ross: "Oh my! Mankind has successfully managed to tear Mr Socko off his hand, and threw him, er.. it, outside the ring!"

Schiavone(getting back on his chair): "WHAT THE @#$% IS YOUR PROBLEM, ROSS!? DON’T YOU EVER PUSH ME LIKE TH--"

Ross: "Warrior’s approaching Mankind from behind! Turn around, Mick! Turn around! Wait- Mankind’s reaching inside his tights! What is he... oh my! It’s a can of Chef Boyardee! He turns around and shoves an open can of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli in Warrior’s face!"

Mankind: "Mmmmm.. BEEFY!"

Schiavone: "What the @#$% was he doing with an open can of Chef Boyardee in his--"

Ross: "He’s force-feeding Warrior the pasta! Good Lord!"

Schiavone: "This is as close as you guys get to actual wrestling, isn’t it?"

The ring fills with smoke for a 3rd time tonight!

Schiavone: "OH MY GOODNESS! IT’S SMOKE! THIS NEVER GETS OLD!"

Ross: "Yeah, yeah. What a surprise... Hey, wait a minute... the smoke is dissipating, and... Warrior’s still there! He’s stuck in the trap door at the center of the ring!"

Schiavone: "What the..!?"

Ross: "Mankind’s plan worked! Thanks to Chef Boyardee, Warrior can no longer fit through the makeshift concoction that allowed him to escape all night! He’s trapped! Mankind’s got him right where he--"

The arena goes pitch black, as the Undertaker's music echoes through the building.

Ross: "OH MY! It's the Undertaker! Business is about to pick up!"

As usual, the acolytes come out first, walking slowly... followed by Midian and Viscera... who themselves are followed by several sheep and 3 goats... and behind them, two horses pulling a buggy carrying the Undertaker.
       The Ministry slowly makes its way to the ring area. Midian and Viscera grab Mankind and bring him to the top of the ramp, where the Undertaker’s symbol was conveniently being lowered.

Schiavone: "OH MY GOD! What are they going to do with that cross!?"

Ross: "IT’S NOT A CROSS. It’s a symbol. The Undertaker’s symbol."

Schiavone: "The Undertaker’s symbol is a cross."

Ross: "STOP CALLING IT THAT! It’s not a cross!"

Undertaker orders his henchmen to put Mankind on the cross.

Schiavone: "See? Even HE called it a cross."

Ross grumbles

Schiavone: "OH MY GOD, they’re going to CRUCIFY him! Don’t you people have problems with any religious groups over this stuff!?"

Ross: "It’s not a crucifixion if it’s not a cross, Tony! It’s a symbolic... er.. imprisonment."

Mankind is hoisted onto the cross, as Midian and Viscera proceed to nail his hands and feet to the wooden cross.

Schiavone: "I DON’T BELIEVE THIS! THEY’VE ACTUALLY NAILED MANKIND TO THE CROSS, RE-ENACTING THE SACRED CRUCIFIXION OF CHRIST!"

Ross: "It’s not a cross! It’s not a crucifixion! You’re seeing things that aren’t there, Tony! Don’t you ‘Get It’? Please sit down and stop making a scene!"

Undertaker then walks towards his victim and places a spiked wreath crown on Mankind’s head, before raising the cross again, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

Schiavone: "THAT DOES IT! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS @#$%!"

Schiavone, throws his headset on the desk and storms off, ordering the end of the broadcast.