What to do? "Whenever you lose going into the bye week it's a bad thing because you have so much time to think about it," lisped Santana Dotson. No word on whether Greenbay area "gentleman's clubs" will add extra attitude-improvement shows to benefit Pakk players. Autograph hounds on alert for those early afternoon shows.
With the four days respite granted by Coach Walrus, wide out Derrick Mayes will recoup from the torn ligaments suffered when one of his teammates blocked a Viking onto his laying-prone body. Also on the injury front are backer George Koonced and D-back LeRoy Butler.
Is this Russia? Reggie "I like Travis' friends" White barked, "We have to bounce back. We can't play like this anymore." Someone please tell Reg that this is America, you don't have to do anything. Freedom Reg, breathe it, live it.
"We just have to keep pusing, keep fighting, keep working hard, stay together. It'll be all right in the end," philosophized speedster Antonio Freeman. Whether noted ball dropper Freeman was referring to the Pakker's season or Gilbert Brown's latest live-in punching bag, the PSSH couldn't confirm. The PSSH does theorize that "in the end," Mr. Freeman and teammates will be enjoying the sunny links while the Vikes and 49ers trudge on to more post-season drudgery.
How dominating were the perennial NFC Central Champions? Back-up QB Randall Cunningham peppered the vaulted Pakk defense for 442 yards and four TDs on a paltry 31 attempts. Vike runners broke the century mark on 34 attempts.
Meanwhile, Pakker wide-outs sprinted past Vike D-men to gain 113 yards on 23 attempts from MVP Farve. Fireball hurler Farve completed 16 passes, 13 to his own receivers, 3 to the purple-clad gridders.
Adding insult to injury, Coach Walrus, perhaps moved by chants of "Farve sucks!" and "Bench Brett!," brought in Canton-bound Doug Pederson in the final stanza. After leading the Pakk back into the fray, Pederson broke his jaw following a TD strike--something "Slinging Sammy" Farve was unable to do--to former UW-La Crosse standout Bill Schroeder. No word on whether Rick Mirer will be tabbed to start against the Lions.
Speaking of agencies, Coach Walrus assured eager Pakker press corps that the team was cooperating with the IRS regarding it's investigation into players' money laundering activities. No word on whether the IRS is questioning the "dancers" down at "Centerfold" whether various Pakkers had made tax-deductable donations for various table and lap dances.
Developing...
Meanwhile, the Pathers will be playing without defensive backs Mike Minter and Michael Swit, backer Lamar Lathon and defensive end Jason Peter. Anything less that 40 points should get Coach Walrus hopping mad.
"We have a long way to go, we really do," burped signal caller Farve. Does the lack of a running game affect the Mississppi Boy's attitude toward the game? "I would agree...That's not the whole thing," nodded the slack-jawed MVP.
The Pakkers claimed safety Kerry Cooks off waivers to bolster the secondary. The Iowa Hawkeye rookie, a Minnesota Vikings fifth round draft choice, has "got to learn the scheme or at least part of the scheme," mused Frist Shurmur. Numerous NFL wags ponder why the Pakk would already stockpile a position with numerous players already on the roster and even Shurmer wondered, "It's a position where we got a lot of guys, safety."
"I think I perform better on Astroturf," lisped a confident Travis Jervey. "And I perfer running on it." No final word from Pakker braintrust on whether Jervey or smashmouth back Raymont Harris.
A metal screw? No, we are not talking about Travis Jervey's favorite leather bar nor his favorite, ahem, toy, (wink, wink, nudge, nudge.) We're talking what speedster Dottie Levens had insterted into his leg to help him heal up. Pakk braintrust is still singing the 4-6 week rehab schdule for the running back.
"I had lumps on my lungs that were causing me to get tired," garbled NFC defensive player of the week Reggie White. Mr. White remarked on his tremendous turnabout since last January's dreadful performance against the Broncos. The PSSH takes this moment to remind Mr. White that the season is 16 games long, not merely 2.
"That's where it starts. You ride the back of the front guys." No, that's not Travis Jervey's idea of dream weekend, but rather, it's defensive coordinator Fritz Shurmur's assessment of the early Pakk defensive success. "If your front can control the line of scrimmage, then that allows you to do whatever else you do," summarized Shurmur in one of his obscure statements of the obvious.
"It'll be different," huffed Coach Walrus after a Tuesday assessment of the Pakkers running game minus Dottie Levens. Such wisdom from Pakk braintrust makes us wonder if league offices should call off the season and award the Pakk the Alvin "Pete" Rozelle Trophy as de facto Super Bowl XXXIII Champions.
Levens' absence will mean increased playing time for either Michael Blair, Raymount Harris or Travis Jervey. Jervey was slowed against the Bucs with a hamstring injury and did not take any snaps in the backfield. The PSSH notes that inquires as to Jervey's condition to Representative Barney Frank's office went unreturned.
Coach Walrus could become a spinmeister for the Clinton White House should his current gig turn sour. During the Monday morning taping of his show, Coach Walrus said that Levens would miss "about six week." Later, the nimble tusked one refused comment on how long the speedy Dottie would be gone.
"I felt a little goofy," garbled mouth-breathing Brett Farve regarding a hit during the Bucs game. The PSSH wonders how you can tell.
God is an agent? We all know that God interceded and told Reggie White to sign with the Pakk and were amazed that Greenbay was--coincidentally--the highest bidder during the last contact go round. After Sunday's game White giggled to the assembled media, "Mike asked me after the game if I'd give him two more years. I told him, 'No." White, perhaps divinely inspired, quickly blurted, "If they give me $12 million next year, I'll come back." The PSSH has heard no comment from the Almighty nor the Meek, who in previous negotiations had been holding out for inheritance of the world, commented on Mr. White's demands.
Dottie Levens suffered a sprained ankle after rushing for a game leading 43 yards. Levens was replaced by Michael Blair bolted, rumbled and stumped past breathless Buc defenders for 3 yards on 2 carries. No word from Pakk braintrust on the status of pre-season Pakk starter Travis Jervey. The PSSH theorizes that halfback Jervey confided himself Sunday evening by curling up on the sofa with a bowl of air-popped popcorn, a diet Coke and a favorite issue of Tony magazine.
In a radio interview, Robert Brooks indicated that he has "a lot of respect" for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Brooks sees the Bucs as joining the upper tier of teams, but states that there is more "pressure" to win "expected" games.
Pakkers guard Marco Rivera approaches his showdown with Warren Sapp with confidence. "The confidence is there," boasted the first year starter. "I know I can get the job done."
Reggie "Don't confuse me with Dan" White looks forward to knocking Trent Dilfer down a few times. "It was good, really good," growled the pink triangle clad All-Pro regarding his two knock-downs, two hurries and two tackles performance against the Lions. "I told you all I was going to be there."
Also on the injury front, kick return specialist Roell Preston will play Sunday against the Bucs. Mr. Preston injured his left hip in play against the Lions. The Special Teams player of the week claims he did not injure his hip on his leap into the end zone over streaking Lion player Claude Rains. (The PSSH reminds culturally illiterates that Claude Rains portrayed the "Invisible Man" in the 1933 movie of the same title.)
Finally, QB and President of the Vicodin Club for Men Brett Farve looks forward to matching up against the Bucs on Sunday. Farve especially looks forward to some chat with Buc's defensive tackle Warren Sapp. "[I]f a guy's gonna jaw at me, I'm gonna jaw back," garbled the MVP QB. Remember, Brett isn't just the President of the Vicodin Club for Men, he's also a client.
Linebacker Brian Williams, vying with Joan Rivers for the tacky-talk chair, snorted, "We could be better than we were in '96 With Gabe [Wilkins] gone, we definitely put in a good replacement, if not better." The PSSH staff feels obliged to remind linebacker Williams that Mr. Wilkins single-handedly changed the momentum of the first Tampa Bay game last season with his touchdown. Take that away and the Bucs put an early end to the Pakk's playoff hopes.
The Pakk plans to continue platooning Reggie White, Gilbert Brown, Santana Dotson and rookie Vonnie Holliday with back-ups Vaughn Booker, Keith McKenzie and Bob Kuberski. "[S]ome of the people that think these guys can't play, I think they're out to prove they can," reasoned a defensive defensive coordinator Fritz Shurmur. Dotson chimed in, "[T]here's a lot more depth this year...we have the confidence now early in the season."
Perhaps Pakker braintrust have confused Alstott and Dunn with Brooks and Dunn, as there is little concern in Green Bush regarding this week's foes. "I think we have some options now," gushed Coach Walrus. "If we do that right, we can keep right, we can keep the guys a little fresher and they'll fell they've contributed. That's a good thing."
Leaf or Manning to the Pakkers? That's the scuttlebutt after Coach Walrus teased, "This nice to know you [will] have the best quarterback in football working on your side." Watch the rumored "Levens trade" to develop.
Brett "I always drive by Walgreens on the way home" Farve boasted, "Its was nice to see us in the huddle and have all our horses ready to go." Whether that was regarding the Lions game or a trip to the aforementioned "Centerfold" is best left to the imagination. The Farve-Vicodin sweepstakes continue on other Pakker pages, the PSSH suggests November 2 as "return of the monkey on the back" day.
The pre-season mediocre Pakk was transformed to a Lion tamer before 60,000 drunken specators at "the Swoosh." The Pakk relied on "the big play" twice; returning a fumble and kickoff for TDs to open up a sometimes tightening game.
Craig Newsome had better have a written note from his knee doctor. Newsome opened up his season by getting called for an offside, burned by a hobbling Herman Moore for a TD and beaten badly by Germane Crowell.
Defense end Vonnie Holliday highlighted his first NFL start with a fourth quarter sack of the Tarkington-esque Scott Mitchell. "The first game, a sack," spit the affable rookie. "I'm very happy." Holliday can only hope to emulate Canton-bound, Pakk legend Ezra Johnson.
Roell Preston returned a kick-off 100-yards to open the final stanza at "the Swoosh." One local scribe theorized that Preston acutally ran closer to 138 total yards on the return. More impressive is that Preston's kick-off return teammates ran an error, penalty-free return. Unlike Desmond Howard's clipping filled return in Super Bowl XXXI.
The warm day, 81 degrees at kick-off, took it's toll on numerous Pakker fans. Luckily, the foam "Cheeseheads," absolutely sweltering to most overweight Pakker fans in the "heat," did double duty as portable urinals.
As reported on everything from SportsCenter to The Eau Claire Leader Telegram, Dottie Levens inked a five-year, $25 million contract on Thursday. "It's one less thing to worry about," replied the weary halfback. "It's a relief to get it out of the way." The PSSH is sure that the recently laid off workers at the Heilemann brewery in La Crosse or the Dairy Farmers of America cooperative cheese factory in Juda are breathing easier knowing Dottie's pocketbook is full and brain is "thinking football."
The "Neon-Deon" size contract numbers are a welcome sight to most Pakker fans, who's memories are long enough, if not a tad beer-stained and hazed, to recount the tight-fisted, skinflint days of Pakk managment signing the likes of Eric Torkelson to lead the Pakker charge. GM Ron Wolf assuaged Pakker fans' fears by remarking, "The important thing is to sign our good players."
The Levens contract now means that the Pakk can transfer the "franchise player" tag to another player. Antonio Freeman is the most likely candidate. "Right now I'm just playing football, I'm not thinking about [a] contract," confessed the error plagued Freeman. Apparently Freeman was thinking about possible contract numbers at the end of this season during last month's games, causing him to drop a few balls.
While the title of "franchise player" will be a great pick-up line at such swanky Pakk hang-outs as the Body Shop in Wisconsin Rapids, it would also keep Freeman from navigating the lucurative waters of free agency at the end of the season. "That's an issue that we'll address if and when it happens," snapped Freeman's feisty agent Joel Segal.
As expected, the Pakk waived QB Matt Hasselbeck on Thursday. If Hasselbeck clears waivers, he will likely end up on the practice squad. The PSSH boldly predicts that Hasselbeck will not earn "franchise player" status.
In the continuation of the interview partially aired on September 1, QB Brett Farve carped about the schedule, "teams we'd rather play in December at Lambeau, we're playing in September." Apparently, Mr. Farve feels that every December game should be at Lamebo so that the Pakk's Pollyanna-esque opponents will lose the game before ever hitting the field. Mr. Farve did reflect, "that (the schedule) is just the way it is." Mr. Farve also boldly predicted that, "we're [sic] be okay."
Sherm Lewis, Pakk offensive coordinator, is still giddy over the performance of Dorsey Levens and Robert Brooks at Wednesday's practice. Lewis deems Brooks as, "Very good," and Levens as "quick...[h]e's reading his blocking and everything."
Coach Walrus less enthusiastic, "[C]an he (Levens) do it physically? I don't know. Robert feels good...how does that equate to how much we'll play him? It's a bit like Dorsey. I don't know for sure."
The PSSH wishes Mr. Hand from Fast Times at Ridgemount High was here to address all the "I don't knows" within the Pakker braintrust.
More on the injury front: Travis Jervey's turf toe is worse than originally suspected. "I think it definitely affected my speed," daintly observed Jervey. Tight End Jeff Thomason's right "high ankle sprain" is actually a right knee medial collateral ligament tear. Thomason quips, "I'm ready to go." Whether that is #1 or #2 or to play against the Lions, the PSSH wasn't able to confirm.
Third string QB and Brett's personal water bottle holder Rick Mirer dressed for yesterday's practice. From practice video, the PSSH boldly predicts that if Super Bowl XXXIII comes down to the last play, and that last play necessitates for the QB to drop back lazily in the pocket and toss a floating marshmellow 10 yards downfield, Mirer is the man for the job.
In other QB news, future Hall of Famer Matt Hasselbeck was relinquished to the practice team, if he clears waivers, with the arrival of Mirer.
Center Mike Flanagan is back with the Pakk. Judging from practice video, Flanagan is a terror with those imposing foam practice shields.
As reported on every sports broadcast throughout the Dairy State, GM Ron Wolf reached contract terms with QB Rick Mirer. The former Notre Dame star, Seahawks rookie sensation and Bear disappointment will don #12 (wasn't that number imortalized by Pakk legend Don Milan?) and play back-up to Doug Pederson, who plays back-up to Brett Favre. Details of the contract were not immediately released; the PSSH theorizes contract terms read, "will ride bench for food."
Pakkers Center (is it fair to call him that since he never played a regular season down for the Pakk?) Mike Flanagan was returned, the PSSH wonders if it was C.O.D., by the Carolina Panthers. Flanagan failed the physical with the Panthers. Flanagan played in all five Pakker pre-season games and made the regular season squad before his weekend trade.
Robert Brooks had a good practice on Monday, earning praise from offensive coordinator Sherm Lewis. Brooks was racked with injuries last season, including a concussion, broken rib and sore back. "I was taking some shots," said Brooks. Staff here at the PSSH hopes someone tells Mr. Brooks that this is TACKLE football. Brooks will start against the Lions on Sunday.
Finally, in a television interview broadcast statewide, QB and MVP Brett Farve confessed that the Pakker's offense was out of "rhythm" during the pre-season due to it "pushing to hard." As for the competition, Mr. Farve dismissed the Buccaneers, 49ers as well as the Chiefs and Jaguars as serious challengers and declared, "we'll be there at the end." The PSSH wonders if "there" is the local Hooters and the "end" is Super Bowl Sunday?
Dorthy is a great player, apparently returned in great shape, just needs to get his timing down. (As do the rest of the offense, who became used to the sluggish Barty Smith-esque speed of Travis Jervey in Levens' absence.)
Coach Walrus will run another workout in pads so Levens can get a little more hitting in before Sunday's showdown against the Lions. No word on whether Levens will start, however we here at the PSSH expect Levens to start and play sparingly.
In other news, an optimistic Antonio Freeman hopes to break out of his slump. He'd better, especially with Robert Brooks back from surgery.
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