i'm going to starve



                                                                                                                                               2/24/00
                                                                                                                                                    1:07p




this is the first transmission in some time.  i hope you haven't lost interest in my mania.  i think that everything is truly falling apart.  misunderstandings come from all sides.  everyone thinks that i have betrayed them.  and they are right.  i couldn't keep my word if i tried.  it's an impossibility.  i sat in the bathtub today for quite some time today, thinking.  there was no soap so i just sat there, watching the dry skin fall off of my body and float on the top of the water.  my eyes are going dark.  i look at old photographs of myself and see the look of a young ambitious man, full of dreams of being something that i don't hate.  now i look at myself in the mirror and think, "what have i become?" everything in my life is a goal or a lie.  i have no actual existence.  when were they supposed to teach me how to be a human?  maybe i didn't go to school that day.  maybe i never should have gone.  i am the biggest cancer in my loved ones lifes.  i am a burden.  i am the worst accident ever created.

moon beams and puppy dogs butterflies and flowers
oon beams and puppy dogs butterflies and flower
on beams and puppy dogs butterflies and flowe
n beams and puppy dogs butterflies and flow
 beams and puppy dogs butterflies and flo
beams and puppy dogs butterflies and fl
eams and puppy dogs butterflies and f
ams and puppy dogs butterflies and
ms and puppy dogs butterflies and
s and puppy dogs butterflies an
 and puppy dogs butterflies a
and puppy dogs butterflies
nd puppy dogs butterflies
d puppy dogs butterflie
 puppy dogs butterfli
puppy dogs butterfl
uppy gods butterf
ppy dogs butter
py gods butte
y dogs butt
 dogs but
dogs bu
ogs b
gs b
s
nothing

now and again i can listen to my own voice and not want to throw up.  i have this reaction to other voices as well.  "we have no time fr foolin around, sarah.  got to get the car back before mother finds me here.  if she does, i won't be able to go to prom."  happy lil brother.  god speed.  goodbye.



 


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