PAIRING : Buffy/Angel

RATING : NC17 (PG version)

SPOILERS : takes off from the end of “the Body” & “Reprise”

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Crash Into Me” by the Dave Matthews Band.

NOTES & WARNINGS : bittersweet ending

                “Where is she?” The small voice echoed in the room, and I wish I had the answers.

                “I don’t know.” I say to her, because I don’t. This is foreign to me. Death. I’ve seen enough of it; you’d think I’d be able to look at… the body. That’s all she is, in the end. A body. And we’re not supposed to disturb the body.

                My mother has been reduced to a body. I crawl over to dawn. My legs wouldn’t work even if I wanted them to. I sit up next to her and she leans against me. “What’s gonna happen to me?” She asks softly.

                “I don’t know.” I wish I did, but I don’t. I don’t know anything. I used to know that when I went home Mom would be there to lecture me on staying out too late. I used to know that Mom would have coffee going in the morning and there would be milk in the fridge. I used to know that Mom was forever. But like I said, I don’t anything.

                “Let’s go home.” I whisper, and we try to stand. We try to get up off the floor and walk out the door, but we can’t because Mommy is here and we can’t leave Mommy. Never leave Mommy. Not in the store. Not at the post office. Not in the mall. Not on the street. Never leave Mommy. That was the rule. And I don’t wanna break that rule. How can we leave Mommy here when it’s so cold? Shouldn’t Mommy be warm? Shouldn’t I make her warm? She would be so much warmer at home in her own bed. I should take Mommy there.

                I slowly stand up and reach for her. “BUFFY! NO!” And the next thing I know is that I’m kicking and screaming. And being held down.

                I don’t know how I managed to get back into my room. But I wake to find myself there, in bed at home. Funny how that word has lost all meaning to me. Home. What is home? Home is emptiness now. Home is a place with nightmares and loneliness.

                “Buffy, how are you feeling?” Someone asks, but I don’t know who.

                “I don’t.”

                “Don’t what?”

                “Don’t feel.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

                I don’t feel anything. I can’t feel anything. Nothing but pain and sadness as I drift off to sleep.

                “BUFFY!” I scream and sit up.

                “You fuck me and scream *her* name?”

Oh God. What have I done? “Get out.”

“What?”

“GET OUT!” I scream. “GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!” I have to go. I’m needed elsewhere and I need to be needed right now. I need to get to Buffy.

~*~*~*~*~*~

                I’m numb inside. I can’t feel my arms or legs. I can’t feel anything. I’m numb. I cease to exist. Like Mommy. Mommy doesn’t exist anymore. She was Mommy, and then Mom and now she’s nothing.

                She isn’t anywhere. She’s no one. She’s nothing. She’s erased. She doesn’t breathe. She doesn’t think. She doesn’t hear. She doesn’t see. She just stopped. Mommy stopped. I need Mommy.

                “MOMMY!” I scream. I need Mommy. “MOMMY!” Mommy used to come in and hold me when I was sick. I’d call for her and she’d come running. She’d make it all better. Mommy always made things all better. “MOMMY!”

~*~*~*~*~*~

                I run to her door under a blanket and knock. The door opens and Willow is there, her eyes are red and swollen. “Angel.” She manages to say.

                “What happened?” I ask. I try to walk through the door and I’m allowed in, my invitation wasn’t revoked. I’m glad. I walk inside and find Xander, Giles, that ex-demon, and a girl I don’t recognize. And I see Dawn. They are all in the dining room sitting. “What happened?”

                No one answers me. They just sit. I walk towards the kitchen. “Buffy?” I call out as I walk towards the living room.

                “NOOO!” Her voice fills the house as she stumbles down the stairs. Her arms are bleeding from scratches and her face is covered in them as well. It looks as if she’d been clawed by an animal. She walks down and looks at me. I don’t recognize her eyes. “We don’t go in the living room.” She scolds me. “We can’t go in there. We’re not supposed to move the body.” She says. “She’s sleeping and you can’t disturb the body. She’s only taking a nap, and she’s not to be disturbed.”

// You’ve got your ball

you’ve got your chain

Tied to me tight tie me up again

Who’s got their claws in you my friend//

                “Buffy.” Giles says. “You should be in bed.” He walks over to her and takes her arm. Her eyes are puffy and one is scratched up. “I’ll bring you some tea.”

                “I used to bring Mommy tea. Mommy doesn’t drink tea anymore. She doesn’t drink anything.” Her eyes are glazed over as he tries to lead her upstairs. She pulls her arm away. “No. I HAVE TO WAKE MOMMY!”

                Dawn’s plate drops to the floor behind me and Xander and the demon girl are at Giles’ side in a second. I watch helpless as they carry Buffy upstairs. The demon holds her head as Giles holds her hands tight, and Xander keeps her feet under his armpits. She continues to scream and I’m frozen. That wasn’t Buffy.

~*~*~*~*~*~

                I’m sitting by her bedside. It’s been four days and they’ve kept her drugged. Apparently there were some sleeping potions that they found so she could rest. Her arms are starting to heal, but even in her sleep, she still claws at her skin.

                Joyce is dead. And the slayer is broken. This is a sad day for us all, indeed.

~*~*~*~*~*~

                It’s the sixth day that I’ve been sitting here, holding her hand. We’ve tied her arms down so she can’t hurt herself anymore. She’s also got an IV into her arm because she needs nourishment. She looks so sad, even in sleep. She’s thin. Is this why I left her? Is this the normal life I wanted her to have? But that’s what hurts her the most. She has nothing to kill for this. She has nothing to beat up. She has no revenge to seek, and no one to blame. She can’t even blame herself for this because it wasn’t her fault. And I think somehow her spirit broke. She used to have faith that things would work out in the end. She used to have faith in the Powers That Be. For that matter, so did I.

                I sent Giles and the gang home yesterday. There’s nothing they can do. There’s nothing any of us can do, except wait. Dawn went to stay with Willow and Tara for a few days. I still can’t believe that she’s not real. I can remember when she snuck into Buffy’s room the first day I was in the house. Buffy was hiding me from… from her mother. Dawn came in, probably to steal Buffy’s diary. I was hiding in the closet and sneezed. She opened the door and it’s impossible to believe that it never happened. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for her to know that her fake mother died. Too much for a fourteen year old. It’s not fair. One more thing that’s not fair. One more thing that the Powers That Be did that makes me doubt their existence.

                You allow monks to make a fourteen year old and plant her into the slayer’s life. You steal the slayer’s childhood and then force her to see what she missed. How is that fair? How is that sanctified? How is it okay to make teenage girls fight monsters like me? It’s not.

                Maybe I deserve the Hell they’ve created. But does Buffy? She’s fought every demon they sent her way. She sent me to *Hell* because that’s what they made her do. Why doesn’t she deserve to have her mother? Why doesn’t Dawn deserve a normal family? Even if they are fake, it’s still a family. Why should we fight? What’s the point? We can’t win anyway.

~*~*~*~*~*~

                My entire body aches. I feel like I’ve been run through by a sword. My eye hurts. I try to wipe it, but I can’t move my arms. I pull and they won’t come up. Oh god. I open my eyes and try to sit up and I can’t. I look down at the restraints on my arms.

“Buffy.” My head jerks up at the familiar voice. “How are you?”

“Angel, what are you doing here?” Then it hits me like a tsunami. “Mom.” My mom is gone. My mother is dead. My mother will never again set foot in this house. She will never again hold me after I get dumped. She will not be at my wedding. She will never hold a grandchild. She will not be there at my college graduation and she will not live happily ever after.

I’m half expecting her to start screaming again. I don’t know if I could handle that.

                “Dawn. Where’s Dawn?” She tries to sit up but I’m still not sure if I can let her up. I’m not sure if she’s well enough not to hurt herself or someone else. “Angel, where’s Dawn?” She looks straight into my eyes and I know it’ s my Buffy. The girl I fell in love with. The girl who made me want to survive. The one I’d give my life for. The one girl I care about. The only one.

                “She’s with Willow and Tara.”

// Into your heart I’ll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock and sweet you roll
Lost for you I’m so lost for you//

                “Good. I need to get up.” I just stare at her for a few minutes. “Angel? Please let me up.” I don’t move. I just stare at the one person who I’d give anything for. Did I really give up my humanity so she could live alone, motherless? She’s going to die no matter what. Why was I so damn noble? I could be happy with a child and a wife. Her mother could have seen her first born before dying. I stole that from Joyce. I stole that moment from Buffy. And our baby. “Angel?” She says again.

                “Sorry.” I untie her hands and she sits up.

                Did I do this to myself? I look at my arms. They’re torn up. I happen to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Who *is* that? Do I even know her? When did I become so pathetically weak?

                Oh yeah, when I found my… I start to cry and I put my hands over my face because I can’t look at myself cry. I can’t see myself weak, and I can’t help but be weak. I collapse into his arms and he holds me.

//You come crash into me
And I come into you,
I come into you//

                I hold her as she weeps. I’ve got the slayer crying in my arms. She’s weak, so I must be strong. I must be strong for her because she was always strong for me. I hold her tight and kiss the top of her head as she cries. She cries and cries until her eyes have dried up and still, she cries. Blood tears. Tears for her mother. Tears for herself. Tears for her friends and sister. Tears for those who have no one to cry for them. Tears for those she fights for. And it’s while she’s crying that I realize that she’s the reason I fight. I don’t fight for the Powers That Be, or for any of the people I save.

                I fight because in the end, even if it’s the tiniest shred of hope, I might be able to be with her. That little desire I have stored deep away in my brain makes everything worth it. The mere thought that I can be loved by as gorgeous a creature as she, makes me want to go on. *She* made me love her the second I saw her. She made me want to be better. She made me open my eyes. I fight because I don’t want to disappoint Buffy. I want to be worthy of Buffy. I want to know I have her love because I earned it. I care because she does. And some where in the middle of falling in love with her, I started fighting not only for her, but because it’s a fight worth fighting.

                And somewhere in the middle of my epiphany, she stopped crying. She stilled. I wonder what she’s thinking.

                There were only ever two places that I felt completely safe. In my mother’s arms. And Angel’s. He holds me tight and lets me cry. I don’t even know why I cry. I’ve cried enough tears for everyone that’s ever died. But I can’t stop. I think there will be a part of me that will always be weeping. Crying for what I’ve lost, and for what is taken from everyone else. Crying for Dawn’s lack of a true sense of self, for Riley, for Mom, for Angel, for Xander’s horrible family Christmases, and Willow’s lack of connection with her own parents. I think part of me will be forever crying for everyone that’s ever hurt.

                When all the tears have stopped and I can weep no more, I’m just quiet and he keeps his arms around me. It’s after an hour or so that I realize that it’s not the same day it was before. And I realize that I feel dirty, mainly because I am. I pull away. “I have to take a shower.”

                He doesn’t protest and lets me go. I close the bathroom door and see Mom’s towel, and Mom’s hairbrush. Mom’s perfume bottles are lined up along the sides of the counter, and her toothbrush is untouched in the holder. Mom’s bathrobe hands behind the door, and Mom’s slippers are beside the toilet where she always left them for after her shower.

                I turn on the hot water and strip myself of my bloody clothes. The water hits my skin and washes away the dried blood from the scratches. I clean the skin out from under my nails and run the soap over my body. The shampoo in my hair feels good and I rinse it all out.

                I step out of the shower and grab a couple towels. One goes in my hair and I wrap the other around my body. I slip into her slippers. Her feet were so much bigger than mine. They are big slippers to fill, but I manage.

                She opens the door and walks into her room in nothing but a towel. If only this is something I could have. I close my eyes for a second and pretend that this is our room and she’s coming in to slowly make love with me all night long. I keep them shut for a second longer and can remember the feel of her silkiness around me, gripping me, drawing me deep.

// Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I’m bare-boned and crazy for you//

                I can’t resist. I walk over and press my lips to his. He’s startled at first, but he wraps his arms around me and kisses me back. I push his jacket off, and then I pull his shirt off. His hands slide up my back and pull the towel out of my hair. It’s wet as it falls down onto my back. I climb over his lap and he starts to slide backwards onto the bed.

                I fall on top of him and my hair curtains our faces.

//When you come crash into me, Baby
And I come into you//

                I keep them closed and imagine that she’s on top of me, kissing me sweetly. God it’s so real. I pull the towel open and her skin is so soft against my chest. I can feel her pooling desire leaking onto my thighs. It fills my nose and I can’t help but kiss her back. I wrap my arms around her and hold her close.

                “Angel.” She moans softly. Oh god, she moans softly.

                I open my eyes and Buffy is kissing me. She’s laying on top of me with her pooling desire leaking onto my thighs. Her tongue is in my mouth and my hands are on her back. Her wet hair curtains our face from the outside world.

                “Buffy!” I say and quickly but gently push her off me.               

//If I’ve gone overboard
Then I’m begging you to forgive me in my haste
When I’m holding you so girl...
close to me//

                “Angel,” I protest as he pushes me off of him.

                “We can’t, Buffy. I’m sorry.” I sit up and look down at her. She’s wearing nothing but she wears it so well. She’s beautiful despite the scratches of her pain. She’s a woman, no longer a childish figure, but muscular. Her hips are a little wider, and her breasts are fuller than I remember. She’s more experienced than she was before as well.

                She looks at me as my eyes take her body in. As my eyes caress her sex, she opens her legs even more, exposing herself fully to my eyes. I lick my lips as she shows her world to me. I look back up and our eyes meet. All conscious thought flies out of my head. I need this. I need *her*. And she knows it.

                I crash onto his body and his hands are all over me. He pulls me closer, pressing my breasts against his cool chest. I never realized how different it would be to be with him again. I only had one night to know his body. I only had one night to touch him, and feel him. One night when I didn’t even know what to do, or what to expect. I’d never felt a man. I never knew my body could feel that way. And I’ve longed for that feeling ever since.

                He rolls us over and I start pulling his pants down. He helps me by kicking them off and I feel his hardened manhood rubbing against my sex. He isn’t even inside me and I’m already crying, just in the anticipation of feeling him.

                I feel his fingers slip inside my body and sooner than I even know, I feel his shaft slowly push through the walls I’ve created. And this isn’t about wanting. I think that’s perhaps why the idea of his soul never really registers in my mind. This isn’t about fulfilling some whim. This is about *need*. I *need* him to make me feel. I need him to show me again why I fight. I need him to make me care about something again.

//Oh and you come crash into me, Baby
And I come into you//

                “Oh God…” I whisper as she envelops my erection completely. She’s so deliciously tight, and hot. She grips me like no other, takes me to depths I’ve never been. She invites me into her soul and I can feel her light. The light I once was denied. For the present moment, I’m able to see it again.

                Her hands are everywhere, grabbing me and pulling me. And I don’t remember her hands being this free the last time we made love. She was still rather inexperienced at a time she doesn’t remember. But it would just hurt her more to know. But I never realized how much I cling to those memories of her taste on a human tongue.

                Her skin is sweet to taste, and hot on my lips. She’s sweating and crying, kissing and I’m melting. I slowly move inside her and she meets my body with her own, as I fill her. And she fills me with hope. I’d forgotten what it was like to hope.

                I feel him start to spill his cool essence inside me and I let go. I need to fall. I need to crash. And we crash.

~*~*~*~*~*~

                We’ve laid here still for what seems like days, maybe just hours, or minutes. I don’t know. I haven’t been paying attention. I’m just enjoying her scent, and her lips, her fingers and her weight as she lays on top of me.

                He’s been rubbing my back and smelling my hair for about five hours now. And I love it. I wish I could just freeze this moment and never leave this bed. But because of him, I know I can.

                “Are you okay?” I ask softly.

                “I think so, now. You?”

                “I’ll survive.” I feel her smile against my chest and I kiss the top of her head. Reality is back and she climbs off the bed and stands up. I take one last look at her body, and she does the same at mine before walking to the closet and pulling out a dress.

                She holds it up to her. “Too dark?”

                “It’s beautiful. She’d love it.”

                “She always did.” I watch as she takes a matching bra and panties out. And I watch as she dresses. She wears a knee length black skirt and a dark blue blouse. She picks out shoes and comes to sit on the bed next to my naked form. “When?” She asks.

                “As soon as I’m dressed. I think it would be best i-” She puts her finger to my mouth and I stop.

                “It’s okay.”

                He kisses my fingers and then gets up. I watch him as he pulls on his pants and I watch as he puts his shirt back on. He grabs his boots and his jacket and puts them on as well. Then he sits down next to me. We look into the mirror on my closet and I’m alone in the room.

                I watch her stare at me in the mirror. There will come a day when I’m in that mirror with her. I have to believe that. She’s the reason to be strong. I don’t fight because the Powers That Be want me to. I fight because of Buffy. There’s no other reason and she’s reason enough. It’s all for Buffy. I exist for her.

                He stands up and walks to the door. He turns back and we stare at each other for a minute before he walks out. I sit on the bed as I hear him start the car up, which means he got there without burning. “Goodbye for now, My Love.” I whisper as I hear him drive away. And I’m okay with this now because I know it will never be over for us. When I can’t be strong, Angel gives me strength. I can do this. I can be strong because of Angel. There will be no other for me. I stand and walk to the phone and dial the number. “Hello?” Willow says.

                “I’d like to talk to my sister.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

                I know she feels me, I can feel her as I watch from the safe confines of my car. I’ll forever be watching her. She stands, holding her sister in the sun, like the radiant woman I know she is. I watch as she cries as they lay her mother to rest in the Earth. And I don’t worry about her now, because she makes me strong, and I make her strong. There’d be no standing without Buffy.

                She turns to look in my way and blows a kiss before I roll up the window. “Goodbye My Love, but not forever. Never forever.” I whisper as I drive away.

//Tied up and twisted, the way I’d like to be
For you, for me, come crash into me//

~El Fin~