HOW MANY HORSES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Warmblood: Light bulb? What light bulb? Any Foal: Ah, come on mom...the sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Thoroughbred: Just one. And he'll rewire the whole barn. Shetland Pony: I can't reach the stupid lamp. Saddlebred: Sorry, I just had my hooves and mane done. Morgan: Oh, oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I, can I? I promise I won't break this one! Quarter Horse: I'd be happy to help you with that! I can fit it in between cutting and Hunter Under Saddle. Oh, wait...I have trail at noon and Western Pleasure class at 2:00. Let's see...no, no, I have Pleasure Driving at 4:30 and Reining at 6:00. Then, the trainer needs me for a lessonwith a new Walk-Jogger tonight at 8:00. I know: Just leave it by my stall and I'll do it at 4:00 am, just before my bath for the Halter class. Trakhener: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Holsteiner: How DARE that light bulb burn out! How DARE you ask me to change it!! OH!! (Flouncing off) Appaloosa: No, don't change it! If it's dark, maybe no one will see me raiding the feed room. Andalusian: Let the maid do it. That's what we pay the help for. Clydesdale: Och, and ye'll just be usin' up the 'lectricity, ye' will, better tae use a wee bit of candle... better yet tae not waste either and just gae tae sleep when the sun gaes doon...'lectricity is verra dear. Arabian: (fidgeting all the while) Lights? Lights? Where? Do you want me to pose? This is my good side...no, wait, let me get my mane straight...no, wait, this angle is all wrong. No wait, maybe this is my good side. Do you want dramatic...or bold..or maybe sensitive... Shire: ( Yawn) Who cares?
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has no prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady, rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She throws her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try an throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot had become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered, against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness when....
The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off!
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load a hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son", said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give youa hand."
"No Thanks", said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly",the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drin of water."
Again, the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mond!"
"Well", replied the young farmer, "He's under the load of hay"
Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but he was having much trouble getting the horse's cooperatin. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.
After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to to the front door of Joe's department. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the door. More pushing and shoving
Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and into Joe's apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and into the bathtub.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good samaritan said, "I don't want to be nosy, but this is most unusual..."
Joe said, "When my wife comes home, she'll look in the bathroom and say, 'There's a horse in there!' Hey, how many times in my life will I get the chance to say. "I know! I know' "!
A horse walked into the Ice Cream shop. "I'll get a chocolate ice ceream cone" The horse said. The Ice Cream Man, John, gave the horse the cone. The horse, having a $10 bill in his wallet, gave the money to John. Since John thought the horse wouldn't know a thing about money, he gave the horse one dollar back. "Thanks for coming, " John said to the horse. "We don't get many horses around here!" The horse replied "Well, it's no wonder for $9.00 a cone!"
Q: Why was the horse called a hot head?
A: Because he had a blaze!
Movies For Horse-Lovers
Citizen Mane
Withering Heights
The Bridle of Frankenstein
Gentlemen Prefer Palominos
Prances with Hooves
For Whom the Belgian Toils
Rein Man
Lawrence the Arabian
Stall Wars
The Man With the Gelding Farm
The Day the Girth Stood Still
The Fall of the Horse of Usher
Horse Blanket Bingo
Saturday Night Feeder
Gone With the Whinny
Cool Hoof Luke
Bonnie & Clydesdale
Waiting for the Glad Event
Are you waiting for that equine bundle of joy to arrive?
Here's a tongue-in-cheek account of one horse person's foal night watch...
10:00 P.M.
Gather sleeping bag, alarm clock, and three old horse magazines and head for the barn.
10:01
Return to house for bag of chips and 32-ounce diet pop.
10:10
Back to barn. Flashlight goes out halfway there. Figure I can make if from memory. Pat faithful ranch dog's head as he pants and slobbers alongside me.
10:11
Suddenly remember I have no ranch dog!
10:11
Run screaming to the house. Change flashlight batteries. Change underwear. Return to barn. 10:15 Establish foal watch headquarters.
10:16
Enter broodmare's stall for the 5,687th time.
10:16
Broodmare flattens ears for the 5,687th time.
10:19
Return to headquarters and squirm into sleeping bag.
11:18
Finally fall asleep.
11:19
Alarm goes off.
11:20
Peek through peephole. Broodmare flattens ears.
11:21
Reset alarm clock and flick off lights.
11:23
Flick on light. Realize 32-ounce diet pop was a mistake.
11:24
Run to house.
11:29
Walk back to barn.
11:30
One last check of broodmare through peephole. Ears pinned.
LAST WORDS
There was a preacher who was trying to sell his horse. A man stopped by to see how the horse rode. The preacher told the man that instead of saying, “go,” say, “praise the Lord,” and instead of saying, “stop,” say, “amen.” So the man got on the horse and said, “praise the Lord,” and the horse started to walk. The man then said, “praise the Lord,” again and the horse started to trot. Suddenly a cliff appeared. The man said, “amen.” The horse stopped right before they fell off. The man put his hand on his forehead and then said, ”Praise the Lord.”
Hey, be reasonable!
A horse showed up at a ballpark. He headed for the manager and said much to the manager's surprise, "I'd like to try out for the team." The manager eventually recovered from hearing a horse talk and said, "Ready? Let me see you catch a few." The horse walked to third base and caught every ball hit to him. The manager asked him to throw. The horse whisked the ball toward the first baseman with amazing accuracy and speed. Picking up a heavy bat a few minutes later, the horse proceeded to hit ball after ball over the center-field fence. The manager said, "Not bad at all. Now let me see your run." The horse said, "Hey, if I could run, I'd be in the Kentucky Derby!"