The President casts a spell over the First Lady during the inaugural ball.
Part Two of a Madness of King George Special Report
by investigative reporter Quake Babylon
So does the president have the power to hypnotize? Certainly those who witnessed his act at the inaugural ball would answer to the affirmative. Those who attended were treated to Bush waving his arm over the First Lady's head, causing her to drop into a somnambulistic state. According to one attendee, the president then had Laura "bray like a donkey while he simulated acts of sodomy upon her, much to the delight of the crowd."
The Democrats seem to be wising up to the idea that the president might not be all he appears to be. It became quite evident over the weekend at the House Democrats' strategy and policy retreat, which was repeatedly crashed by Bush. Key members of the House were reportedly "freaked out" by the president, who stopped by so often that they ended up stringing cloves of garlic across all the windows to keep him at bay.
"It all started innocently enough," said Congressman David Bonior (D-Michigan). "The secret service were lurking about so we figured he was going to drop by. We had images of him showing up with some kegs of beer in tow and saying 'gosh fellas, what are you doing here' or some other nonsense. So we figured we'd be preemptive and just invite him. If only we had known."
According to Bonior, as soon as Bush walked through the door "weird shit started to happen. Lights began flickering on and off, doors slammed shut on their own accord, and all the televisions in the place started showing Hee-Haw on every damned channel." But that wasn't the end of the terror.
House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt (D-Missouri) and Congressman Martin Meehan (D-Massachusetts) were having a discussion about campaign finance reform later that evening when, according to Gephardt, they "heard a peculiar sound. We looked up above the table we were sitting at and there was the president, clinging to the ceiling like a spider. Once we spotted him he hissed at us and then scuttled out into the hallway, still on the ceiling. It was terrifying."
Next to be harrassed was Congresswoman Sheila Jackson-Lee (D-Texas). "I was in my room, preparing for bed and I went to the closet to get my robe. I opened the door and there he was, smirking at me. I screamed and backed away as he stepped from the closet. 'Sheila, we have so much to discuss,' he said to me, 'we have the unity of Texas, much in the same way that California and Washington D.C. are unified by underpants'. Well, that didn't make no sense to me but it scared me nearly to death. I called upon the name of the Lord Jesus to save me."
Her prayer seemed to have the desired effect as Bush "reeled back as if I'd slapped him. Then he sort of snorted and laughed, waggled a finger at me and then did a backflip out of my window, vanishing into the night."
The White House has been downplaying the allegations of harassment since Monday, with the president issuing a statement that it was all blown out of proportion.
"What we have here is a simple confusion of events," he told reporters on Tuesday. "A gross understatement of my activities. I am a uniter, not a divider. I plan on spending mandatory private time with all of them, one on one, until they are swayed to my side and this nonsense is over."
