Vice President Cheney paid tribute at the funeral of U.S. Rep. Floyd Spence. "If only the president were there - I mean here," he said at one point, gazing longingly at the flag-draped coffin.
by Special Correspondent Anita Newprez
I am briskly ushered through the White House by a senior staffer, on my way to interview the Vice President of the United States. It is late August and President George W. Bush is still on his controversial month-long "working" vacation at his Texas ranch. You can tell the president is gone: people seem to be working, no one is forcibly laughing at his bad jokes, and the reek of his urine is nearly gone from the corners of rooms.
I am hustled to the Oval Office, where Vice President Dick Cheney sits with his feet upon the desk. Balanced on his bloated belly is a plate smothered by a 20-ounce steak and a heap of fried potatoes, which Cheney is shoveling into his mouth with reckless abandon. His appetite, it seems, is similar to his energy policies: ravenous and insatiable.
The vice president waves me into the room and motions for me to pull up a chair. I do so, waiting patiently as he quickly devours his meal and washes it down with a mug of coffee. Then he wipes his mouth with a napkin and places the dish and mug out of sight behind the desk. Cheney then asks me not to mention the meal to his wife Lynne, as "she thinks I'm eating that crappy diet the heart doc put me on."
MKG: Well, well, looks like you're Mr. Secrets 24/7.
Cheney: What's that supposed to mean?
MKG: Nothing. Well, actually, it does relate to one topic I wanted to cover. The controversy over the energy policy notes that you have refused to turn over to -
Cheney: (Heavy sigh) Oh, that nonsense. Listen, it is unconstitutional for the General Accounting Office, or anyone else, to ever request anything from the president or myself. Especially if it has to do with how we came up with that brilliant energy plan.
MKG: I beg your pardon sir, but "brilliant" is not the word on the street...
Cheney: Who gives an ass rip about what the word on the street is. As long as people keep their porch lights on all night and their SUV's on the road I'm happy. And I have to say, I haven't been hearing any complaints from the energy companies.
MKG: Well isn't that the point? The allegations are that your policy was designed to favor the energy companies at the expense of hard working Americans.
Cheney: Whatever.
MKG: Isn't it true that only energy companies and their lobbyists were involved in your task force? And that enviromentalists were kept out of it?
Cheney: Look, we just figured it would save time if we kept the tree-huggers out of the process. You can imagine how it is: "Oh, save the planet this and you're going to ruin the enviroment that." They even try to pull that old "you can't put a nuclear power plant in a national park" crap. Who needs the bastards?
MKG: Doesn't that seem blatantly one-sided to you, not consulting any enviromental groups?
Cheney: (Snorting laughter) Of course it does. What did you expect from my administration?
MKG: As much as it pains me to say it, isn't it President Bush's administration?
Cheney: Whatever helps you sleep through the night.
MKG: Okay. Now, you've also been accused of avoiding the subject whenever someone tries to pin you down on an issue. How would you answer this allegation?
Cheney: Did I mention that I saw Gary Condit dumping a body a few months ago? Now, I don't want to point fingers and say it was a body, but it sure looked like one to me.
MKG: Really? You're kidding of course. Right?
Cheney: No, honestly. You know, I think he was dating Amelia Earhart right before she vanished too...
MKG: Okay, now I know you're lying. Trying to avoid the question then?
Cheney: Did you hear that? I think someone just called me. Gotta go, bye!
