Title: Ghosts of the past

Author: Morgana (morganalebeau@yahoo.com)

Website: http://www.oocities.org/morganalebeau/

Rating: NC-17 for explicit sexual content or violence

Pairing/main characters: Gambit/Logan

Series/Sequel: complete

Summary: In this story, Remy has found his way back to the mansion after surviving Antarctica. I'm not going to follow canon and there will be no strange entity that saved Remy's life. After the trial he moves into the boathouse and wonders why the hell he's staying in Westchester. At the same time Logan is tormented by nightmares. Distrustful of his memories he loses touch with reality as memories return to haunt him. Unfortunately, it's not only the past that is haunting him, as an old enemy tries to get even with him in real life. In the midst of all this chaos, Remy and Logan find they need to trust each other if they want to survive.

Disclaimer: Gambit and X-Men is (c)copyright of Marvel Comics. No copyright infringement is intended.

Date: Oct 2000

Archive/distribution: Yes, just drop me a note telling me where you're archiving it.

Warning: This story is definitely Alternate Universe!

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Ghosts of the past

By Morgana

 

Chapter One

Ghosts of the past
Even on the darkest night when empty promise means empty hand
And soldiers coming home like shadows turning red
When the lights of hope are fading quickly then look to me
I'll be your homing angel I'll be in your head.
Because you're so lonely in your nightmare let me in
and it's cold out on your stone range let me in
Because there's heat beneath your winter let me in

Duran Duran

Logan shook his head in dismay. "What are ya doin', bub?" he whispered privately. Anyone close enough would have heard the obvious concern in his voice. The motionless figure sat too close to the edge and he couldn't shake off the idea that Remy was considering throwing himself into the lake from this great height. He couldn't allow that to happen.
Soundlessly, Logan approached the Cajun who was still staring at the cold water. Now that he was getting closer Logan noticed the watering red on black eyes. That observation hit him hard. Had Remy actually been crying? He knew instinctively that the Cajun wouldn't be glad to see him.
Remy had been brooding for days and Logan was determined to finally address the matter. Ever since the trial Remy had seemed lost. //Probably 'cause he's depressed,// Logan thought, making an educated guess. Too many things had happened which had been handled in the wrong way!
//If I had been on the Black Bird instead of in Japan, this would never have happened!// But he was here now and just maybe he could support his friend getting through this ordeal.
Sniffing the air told him that a heavy thunderstorm was heading their way and he was determined to walk Remy back to the boathouse. He still didn't understand why the others were this angry with Gambit. They had all made mistakes in the past. Why did they feel it was necessary to punish Remy this severely?
The mere fact that Remy had retreated to the boathouse angered him. The Cajun was an X-Man and had every right to live at the mansion! This was ridiculous. He was going to stop this madness!
As he reached Remy's shivering form, he halted in his tracks. "It's cold out here, kid."
Remy smiled. "Cold no longer bothers me, homme." He'd been sitting here for two hours now. At first he'd pretended that he'd only come here to admire the sunset. But now that the night was falling he'd finally admitted the truth to himself. Life had punched him in the face and he wasn't sure he could and wanted to get back to his feet. He simply didn't have the strength to fight back.
"Ya look tired," Logan remarked and failed in keeping the concern out of his voice. Remy was only wearing a cotton sweater and some faded jeans. The cold gust went right through the fabric and he shrugged off his own coat to drape it over the Cajun's shoulders. "Ya should go 'inside."
"Merci," Remy whispered and trembled, as the thick coat fought off the cold. He never expected that someone would care enough about him to seek him out. Certainly not Logan.
"Wanna talk?" Logan suggested, as he sat on his heels next to his teammate. "I'm a good listener."
"Merci, Logan." Remy finally allowed himself to make eye contact with the other man. It had been days since he'd spoken to another living soul. But that conversation had only caused him more pain. "Rogue ended our liaison. I'm a free man 'gain," he whispered in the end.
Logan nodded his head. He'd gathered that much. "I'm sorry, kid."
"Don'," Remy mumbled and pulled the coat closer to his body. "I've been lyin' to myself for too long." He wondered why he was confiding in Logan. Why wasn't the man making an excuse to walk away from this conversation?
But Logan's company felt good. He needed people close, needed the contact and for the last few days he'd lived like a hermit. Logan seemed genuinely concerned and feeling that sensation was all he craved. A little human contact... "I don' know if she ever loved me, mon ami," he continued, "mais she tried to make it work."
Logan bit his lip, trying hard not to object. "What are ya gonna do now?"
"Am 'lone 'gain," Remy sighed. "Ain't much I can do."
Logan looked up and noticed the thunderclouds that were gathering over their heads. Soon the storm would hit Westchester. "I'll walk ya to the boathouse," Logan decided.
Remy's smile grew warmer. "Merci cher, mais I can get back on my own." Logan's concern flowed into his mind and he clung to its warmth. He didn't want to be alone, but Logan shouldn't get involved in this. The others would only shun him for hanging out with the traitor.
"Are ya sure?" Logan studied the Cajun's face and didn't like what he saw. Big dark circles disfigured the burning eyes. It worried him that Remy had lost a lot of weight. "Are ya still eatin' right?"
Remy chuckled. "When I'm hungry, oui." Conveniently, he forgot to mention that he hadn't eaten for days. Slowly he pulled the coat off his shoulders and handed it back to Logan.
But Logan declined. "Ya keep it."
Indecisively, Remy looked into Logan's eyes. To his astonishment the blue orbs revealed affection. Logan was truly worried about his well-being! "It's good to know you care." The words slipped from his lips and angry with himself, he returned to stare at the lake. Heavy raindrops shattered the surface. He successfully fought the urge to reach out and touch Logan's skin.
Logan noticed the frustration in Remy's eyes, but didn't know what to do. The Cajun had made it pretty clear that he wanted to be left alone. But his instincts warned him to keep an eye on Gambit. Something about those eyes eluded him and made him fear for the younger man's life. "Sure ya don't want any company?" he tried one last time.
//I don' want you to leave me 'lone,// Remy thought saddened, but he couldn't speak the words. "Oui, I'm sure."
Logan repressed a sigh, which was caused by disappointed. He made sure that the coat was back in place, keeping Remy warm and then he turned to leave.
"Is SHE still at de mansion?" Remy inquired in a soft tone, uncertain where that question had come from. He didn't really want to talk about Rogue. //You're stallin', LeBeau,// he berated himself. //You don't want Logan to leave!//
"Yeah, she's still at the mansion," Logan confirmed. Thunder exploded above their heads and made him want to run for cover. The storm was breaking loose and standing here on this ledge wasn't a good idea.
Slowly, Remy got to his feet. His muscles ached from the position he had been in for hours and moving about only worsened the ache. "You should go back to de mansion."
"Only if yer now returnin' to the boathouse." Determined, Logan held his position. Lightning crashed over their heads and disappeared into the lake. "It's gettin' dangerous out here."
"Oui mère, Remy's goin' home," he said jokingly, amazed at his own reaction. Was he so desperate for contact that Logan's remark had touched his soul? //Nobody else cares for me?//
Logan had realized by now that Gambit WAS stalling. But he couldn't possibly offer walking him to the boathouse again. The younger man had already refused his offer. "Be seein' ya, kid," he whispered and started to walk away from him.
//Will check on ya later!// he thought resolved. After dinner, he was going to the boathouse to talk to Remy, make sure that the Cajun had had something to eat. As he looked over his shoulder, it became apparent that Remy hadn't moved away from the ledge. "Get goin'!" he called out loudly. That seemed to snap Remy out of his trance.
"Oui mère!" Remy replied and grinned briefly. Talking to Logan had offered his misery a way out. //At least someone cares!// he thought melancholy and ignored the thunder that roared in his ears.
As the distance between them grew, Remy repressed the urge to run after Logan. Wolverine was the only one willing to talk to him and he didn't want to be alone again! But Logan had already disappeared and his hope faded quickly.
Although he had assured Logan that he'd head back to the boathouse, he didn't start walking. Feeling paralysed, he simply stared at the lightning, which hit a tree to his right. One small tremor flowed through his body, but then he grew motionless again.
The storm didn't faze him. Secretly, he hoped the gust would sweep him over the edge. It would solve all problems.

"Logan?" Storm looked up from the magazine she had been reading and immediately noticed his furrowed brow. "Is something wrong, my friend?"
"It's the Cajun, 'Ro," he admitted as he moved over to the fireplace. The wood exploded in the fire and his hands warmed quickly. "We need to do somethin' or Remy's is gonna end up dead."
Shocked, Storm threw the magazine onto the coffee table. "What?"
"The trial was a big mistake!" Logan growled. "The way we're treatin' him is all wrong! Don't ya see what's goin' on?"
"Logan," Storm placed a gentle hand on her friend's shoulder. "Remy wanted to move into the boathouse himself. We didn't force him."
"That's bullshit!" Logan's eyes shot fire. "We X-Men are supposed to take care of each other and what are we doin' to him?"
Suddenly, Storm's eyes darkened with apprehension. "Do you really think that? he will try to hurt himself?" Maybe she had been negligent of her friend's needs. Remy had saved her life, had always treated her like a sister and loved her dearly. A sting of guilt moved through her soul. Perhaps they had taken the easy way out in not really dealing with what had happened.
"Ya should have seen the look in his eyes," Logan whispered. "I'm goin' back this eve? wanna join me?"
Storm hesitated. Remy's betrayal had caused deep wounds and she doubted that she was the right person to comfort the thief. "You seem to care for him," she started. "You should go alone."
"C'mon 'Ro!" Logan chided her. "The kid needs ya! Needs to know that he's not alone."
"Maybe later," she whispered. First, she had to come to terms with this herself. "But I promise by the Goddess to talk to him soon."
Logan shook his head in disapproval. "I know yer hurtin' too, 'Ro. But Gambit didn't know about Sinister's plans. We've been comin' down on the kid much too hard."
Storm had to admit that maybe Logan was right. "We could have done without the trial."
Logan growled, "We never put an X-Man on trial before. Hell, I would have been the first to be pronounced guilty! The things I did?"
Storm squeezed his shoulder. "Maybe we should talk to the professor about Remy."
"Ya can do that," Logan decided. "I'm goin' back now? I got this feelin'?" His eyes narrowed, as he looked over at the doorway. What if Remy was still out there in the storm?
"'Ro," he started and then paused, "talk to Chuck and see what he comes up with." Logan walked into the corridor, suddenly in a hurry. The more he thought about it, the more convinced he became that Remy hadn't returned to the boathouse at all.
"Please let me know if he's fine!" Storm called out after him, but Logan never bothered to answer. "Goddess?" she whispered upset, unsure of what she'd wanted to say. Logan had been right. She had to talk to Xavier? now!
His fear had been justified. "Damn!" he cursed upset. Remy's body lay motionless near the ledge. The bony fingers were still clinging to the coat and Logan quickly kneeled at his side. "Gambit? Can ya hear me?" His fingers sought and found a steady pulse and heartbeat.
Wasting no time, he scooped the larger man up in his arms and headed for the boathouse. It would only take him five minutes to get there. "C'mon, Remy? hold on!"
Clutching the young man to his chest he quickly covered the distance. Remy's clothes were soaking wet and the pale face actually scared him.
"Great! What am I gonna do now?" he wondered softly. Kicking the door shut behind him, he headed for the bathroom. "Gonna get ya outa those wet clothes first!" he realized, suddenly wishing Storm was here too.
The prospect of looking after the Cajun didn't bug him, but Remy needed someone he trusted right now. Needed someone like Storm to take care of him. "Never had any trainin' as a nurse!" he growled. But he was the only one here and didn't have any choice.
Remy's head rested against his chest and as he opened the bathroom door, he took a moment to look at the Cajun. Now that he had switched on the lights, he distinctly noticed the hollow cheekbones. "What have ya done to yerself?"
But it was going to stop right here and now. "I'll take care of ya, Remy. Promise."

 

Chapter Two

Ghosts of the past
Even on the darkest night when empty promise means empty hand
And soldiers coming home like shadows turning red
When the lights of hope are fading quickly then look to me
I'll be your homing angel I'll be in your head.
Because you're so lonely in your nightmare let me in
and it's cold out on your stone range let me in
Because there's heat beneath your winter let me in
Duran Duran

"Professor? I need to talk to you," Storm announced as she entered Xavier's study. Looking at Scott she added, "In private."
Scott took the hint and rose from the chair, regretting that his conversation with the professor had come to an abrupt end. He'd wanted to discuss the current situation involving Gambit more in depth, but Storm's serious expression told him that she wouldn't take no for an answer.
"We'll resume this discussion later," Charles told Scott and gestured him to leave. Then, he turned to Storm. "Yes, Ororo. What do you wish to talk to me about?"
Storm waited until Scott had closed the door before addressing the professor. She didn't want eavesdroppers spreading the word that she wanted to discuss Remy. "Logan said something that upset me."
Charles invited her to sit down and nodded his head. "I'm listening," he assured her. Only recently, he'd realized that he had neglected his students' needs and was now determined to rectify his past mistakes. Scott's concern for Gambit had taken him by surprise. He'd never realized that Remy was this depressed and he wanted to talk to the young Cajun as quickly as possible.
But there was another matter he felt uncomfortable with, Rogue. No one had asked her to justify her decision to leave Gambit behind. Most members of the team had simply accepted that fact. Warren hadn't been bothered by this death sentence at all.
"It's Remy," Storm said resolved. "Logan fears for his life."
"I know Gambit is suffering from depression," Charles acknowledged, "but don't you think Logan might be overreacting?"
"No," Storm replied steadfast. "Logan is now at the boathouse, making sure Remy's fine." Growing silent she lifted her eyes and stared pleadingly at the professor. "When did things go wrong? What possessed us to continue with that mockery of a trial? Warren even walked out on him."
Charles didn't have an answer. "I don't know, Storm." Yes, when had he lost control? //A long time ago!// he realized. "I was thinking about that trial yesterday," he admitted. Scott had repeated his concern for Gambit and that had made him ponder the situation. "The trial happened at a time when we were emotionally very vulnerable."
"We needed a scapegoat," Storm summarized. "Needed someone to put the blame on."
Ashamed, Charles nodded his head. "I'm afraid you're right."
"So how are we going to make things up to Remy? This can't continue!" Storm exclaimed.
"I just talked to Scott about Remy?" Charles noticed her surprised expression. "Ororo, you're not the only one who's concerned about Gambit. Scott? takes his responsibilities as team leader very seriously. Jean and he have reached the same conclusions as we just did."
"We should ask Remy to move back into the mansion," Storm suggested with a weak smile. "We wronged him."
"I fear more for the emotional? damage." Charles didn't mention that Scott had picked up movement on the security system. When Cyclops had checked that alert, the screen had shown him Gambit, standing on a ledge. That had prompted Scott to seek him out in the first place. It was a pity that Storm had picked this moment to discuss this, as he had wanted to talk to Scott about Gambit.
"What are you saying, professor?" Apprehensively, she leaned forward in the chair.
"Remy was already? mentally instable when he returned from Antarctica. We don't know how he survived, but it's obvious the effort sapped his strength. Then there was the trial and he was officially blamed for the mistakes we all made."
"I see," Storm whispered. "Logan fears that Remy might try to hurt himself."
Charles couldn't lie to her. "I think that there is a chance that Remy has become suicidal. Depression and guilt can drive a man over the edge."
"Guilt?" Storm repeated. "If what he told us was true, and I do believe he was being truthful, then he should realize that? Oh Goddess, what have we done?" Realization dawned as she allowed in the truth she had pushed away. "Remy's another victim of the massacre! He didn't know?"
"About Sinister's plans," Charles ended for her. "Sinister used him and we?instead of being there for him turned our backs on him, confirming his feelings of guilt."
Storm's fingernails buried themselves in the wooden armrest. "Have we been so blind?"
Charles looked out of the window and noticed that the storm had gained in intensity. "Ororo, your emotions?"
"You're right," she sighed and started to calm down. The storm lost some of its strength and slowly, the heavy rain stopped. "What's our next step?"
"Tomorrow, I'll ask Remy to come to the mansion. I will talk to him." Charles' thoughts reached out and located Rogue in the living room. "We need to address Rogue's part in this as well."
"Maybe it would be best to do that before Remy comes here," Storm suggested. "It would make quite a difference to him to know that we don't approve of what she did."
"Will you ask her to come and see me here?" Charles didn't look forward to that conversation, but for Remy's sake this had to be properly addressed.
"I will," Storm confirmed and slowly rose from her chair. "Scott and Jean are also concerned about Remy?" As the professor nodded his head, she realized that talking to the couple might be a good idea. Together, they might stand a chance to convince the others of the mistakes they had made. "I will go and get Rogue for you."
"Thank you, Storm." Charles drew in a deep breath. "I postponed this for far too long. I will resolve this now!"

Rogue dawdled, uncertain why the professor had asked to see her. Ororo's expression had been mixed, carrying relief and anger at the same time. Softly, she knocked. "Yuh wanted tuh see me, professor?"
"Yes, Rogue, do come inside."
Hesitantly, Rogue walked inside. Why did she always feel like a schoolgirl, called in to see the school principle? Xavier emanated a natural kind of authority that sometimes irritated her.
"Sit down, Rogue." Charles took in her appearance. Her eyes looked strangely haunted. "We need to talk about Antarctica."
A stabbing flow of apprehension moved through her. She had been waiting for this all along. It actually surprised her that Xavier had waited so long to confront her. "What do yuh want tuh know?"
"Why did you leave Remy out there to die?" Charles asked in a calm tone. Inwardly, he was tightly controlling his emotions.
"He told me tuh leave him. Professor. Gambit wanted tuh die," she stuttered. "It ain't somethin' Ah am proud of, but?"
"Did he verbally ask you to leave him to die?" Charles asked, upset that he hadn't investigated this matter earlier.
"We didn't talk much," Rogue explained. "But his thoughts were in my head." She tried to remember what exactly had happened. "It's kinda blurry. Ah don't remember everythin'."
Suddenly, Charles realized something about his Cajun student. "Rogue, try to remember. What did you hear, his thoughts or did you feel his emotions?"
Rogue pulled up her knees, leaned back into the comfort of the chair and rested her chin on her knee. "Feelings, Ah guess. Ah tried goin' back once I realized what Ah I had done, but Ah couldn't find him."
//You're hiding something,// Charles realized as he probed her mind, but decided to let this issue rest for now. There was something else he wanted to know. "Scott told me that you and Remy decided to end 'your relationship'?" he said tentatively.
"Yeah," Rogue confirmed. "When Ah touched him, Ah saw the secrets he was hidin'. We ain't right for each other."
"Would you care to explain that?" A sad expression colored Rogue's eyes and he reminded himself that regardless of what she had done that she was still his student. As founder of the X-Men he was eventually responsible for her actions.
Rogue seemed ill at ease and tried to avoid answering the question. It didn't work and she had to give in, seeing Xavier's stern expression. "I do love him, professor, if that's what yuh want tuh know, but? I don't love him enough tuh forget what he did." She closed her eyes to keep a tear from flowing down her cheek. "And Remy? Ah was safe for him."
"Sorry?" Charles looked confused. "Safe?"
"He can't touch me," Rogue explained. "Remy doesn't love me in a? passionate way."
"Now you lost me," Charles admitted.
"C'mon, prof! If we had REALLY loved each other, we would have found a way tuh be together!"
"That did cross my mind," Charles whispered curiously.
"Ah could have snapped a Genoshan collar around my neck and ?"
"Why didn't you?" Charles moved his wheel chair closer to her.
"Our love ain't true love. Ah kept him at a distance and he? Ah don't wanna talk about this any more." Rogue's expression grew determined. "Ah don't wanna see him."
Charles shook his head. "No, you'll treat him with respect whenever he's around. Both of you made mistakes and you have to take responsibility for your deeds like he did."
Briefly, Rogue's face revealed her true feelings and he cocked his head. "Rogue, don't hate him. Don't hate yourself. You're a free woman now. You can find yourself a new lover? And Remy can do the same."
Rogue appeared to be on the brink of protest, but she swallowed the comment. Charles sighed relieved. The first part of this conversation had gone rather well, but? "I'm going to ask Remy to move back into the mansion."
"Yuh can't do that," Rogue whispered. "Ah can't stand lookin' at him all day."
"You're team mates," he pointed out to her. "Settle it."
"Ah can't," she stated and moved away from him. "If he moves in, Ah am movin' out."
"That's your decision," Charles reminded her. "Nobody is asking you to leave."
"Ah will think about it," Rogue said eventually and walked over to the door. "Anythin' else?"
"No, you can go, but I suggest?" Charles didn't get the chance to finish his sentence as she slammed the door shut behind her. He didn't doubt that she would live up to her 'threat' and leave the mansion.
//That's her choice, yes,// he thought privately, //I'm not going to neglect Remy's needs any longer.//
However, Rogue had given him the answer to a question, which he had ignored for too long. //If she really felt his emotions? // Remy's shields were too strong for him to penetrate and that phenomenon had always intrigued him. Even Jean had problems shutting him out if he set his mind to it.
//And Remy keeps me out without any visible effort.// His conclusion was hard to accept. /Can it be that he has mental powers I never detected? No, I never took the time to discover them. He can be an empath or a telepath. Rogue's testimony however suggests Remy has some empathic powers?//
Charles rubbed his temples as he realized the terrible truth. //An empath can't deal with isolation? and that's what we've been doing! No wonder he's depressed and feeling suicidal!//
Concentrating briefly, he contacted McCoy and Scott. //I need you in my study, now!//
//Of course,// came Scott's instant reply. McCoy was startled from his sleep, but confirmed he would join them shortly.
"I hope we didn't do any permanent damage," Charles muttered softly and then remembered that Logan had gone to check on Remy. "In that case Gambit is in good hands," he mumbled relieved. Logan would take care of the young man.
"You wanted to see us, sir?" Scott was the first to arrive and immediately noted Xavier's driven eyes.
"Yes." Charles waited for Henry to arrive and then said, "The two of you need to do something for me."

 

Chapter Three

Lonely in your nightmare
Even on the darkest night when empty promise means empty hand
And soldiers coming home like shadows turning red
When the lights of hope are fading quickly then look to me
I'll be your homing angel I'll be in your head.
Because you're so lonely in your nightmare let me in
and it's cold out on your stone range let me in
Because there's heat beneath your winter let me in
Duran Duran

Gently, Logan lowered Gambit's icy cold body into the bathtub. "Gonna get ya warm, kid," he muttered privately. A moment later, pleasantly warm beams of water descended down onto the Cajun's body. "That's a start."
Logan smiled absentmindedly. It wasn't like him to talk aloud when no one could hear him, but the sound of his voice calmed him. He'd never realized that he cared this deeply about Remy. Finding him on that ledge had made his heart pound madly, afraid to find a corpse.
The red on black eyes remained closed and carefully, he used one claw to cut away the sweater. Shocked, he stared at the Cajun's ribcage. He could almost count Gambit's ribs. "Ya need to start eatin' 'again, bub."
After he pushed long, wet locks out of Remy's face he unzipped the jeans and got rid of them and the underwear. A few scars disfigured the lean body and Logan couldn't help wondering about their origin.
Now that Gambit was naked he started rubbing the younger man's wrists, arms, chest and legs to stimulate the blood circulation. Although his worries remained, he realized how smooth and soft Remy's skin felt to his fingertips. Remy's body would have been mouth watering, if only he would gain some weight!
A soft mew escaped Remy's lips and quickly, Logan looked up, hoping the younger man was regaining consciousness. "Remy, can ya hear me?"
But Gambit didn't answer and his eyes remained closed. "Apparently not," Logan whispered worried. Looking about, he located a pile of large towels. After making sure that the warm water was still cascading down Remy's body, he lurched forward and spread two towels across the floor.
His hands returned to rubbing Remy's face and shoulders and he tried hard to ignore the anger moving through him. Anger aimed at his fellow X-Men, for letting things escalade like this!
Remy moved underneath his fingers and alerted, Logan tried to wake him. "Remy? Yer back at the boathouse. Talk to me, kid." But Remy didn't respond and disappointed, Logan caressed the younger man's brow.
After wrapping one towel around Remy's hair, he slowly lifted the young man onto the floor. Immediately, he slung the towels around the shivering body. Studying the pale face he wondered whether Remy had fainted or had actually tried to jump. Or had a gust of wind swept him off his feet, throwing him onto the muddy ground? He was determined to get those answers.
Tenderly, he slipped his hands back underneath Remy's knees and shoulders and scooped him up in his arms. Gambit's head lolled until it finally came to rest against his chest. The only audible sound was their breathing and Logan concentrated on the young man's heartbeat. Steady and firm. "Ya'll make it, Remy."
As he climbed the stairs, he remembered where the bedroom was situated. Remy needed to rest and in the meantime he was going to give Storm a call. But as he reached the bedroom, he realized that Remy had left the window open and it was chilly inside. //The livin' room was far more comfortable!//
Making his way back, he pulled Remy closer to his chest. The young man was shivering and had started to mumble incoherently in his sleep. Logan tried to decipher the words, but had to give up.
Logan walked into the living room. Yes, it was cosy warm in here and carefully, he placed his precious load on the sofa. Thoughtfully, he lifted the Cajun's head and pushed a pillow underneath it. Logan grabbed the blanket that was lying near the fireplace and tucked Remy in.
Gambit's now peaceful expression made him swallow hard. He had just been in time to prevent worse. The mumbling had intensified and Logan feared that Remy had maybe developed some kind of fever. He really needed Hank in here!
//Get a grip!// he admonished himself. //Kid needs somethin' hot to drink to warm him up inside an' then ya can call the mansion!// After making sure that Remy was comfortable, he walked into the kitchen and checked the food supplies, hoping to find some soup.
"I don't believe this!" he sighed exasperated. "Kid's got nothin' to eat in here!" Checking cupboard after cupboard the only thing he managed to retrieve were some teabags. "Someone's gonna pay for this!" he cursed as he boiled some water.
Peeking at Remy, he felt reassured. The young man was asleep and had stopped raving. Logan filled two mugs with steaming hot water and dropped the teabags into it. "Tea? all he's got is tea!" he cursed and carried the mugs with him to the living room.
After he placed them on the coffee table he lifted Remy's upper body and sat down on the sofa. Then he lowered the young man back and pulled him to his chest. Remy still felt cold and needed his body warmth. "Remy, I want ya to wake up now," and he gently shook Gambit's shoulders.
Unwilling to open his eyes, Remy tried to hang onto the black sleep. His body felt heavy and cold and he trembled violently as he remembered what had happened. His mind was working in slow motion. Thinking coherently took a lot of effort.
//Was lookin' at de storm? Logan gave me his coat? told me to go 'side, mais? I didn'? stayed out dere?// Slowly, he realized that he had fainted after Logan had left him.
//Logan?// The man's presence was almost tangible. //Must be clingin' to dose memories?// he thought saddened. Now, he had to get to his feet and walk back to the boathouse.
"Gambit? I can smell yer 'wake. Stop pretendin' ya can't hear me!" Logan berated the young man and reached for a steaming mug. "I want ya to drink this." Concerned, his other hand rubbed Remy's back. "Remy?"
Startled, Remy's eyes flashed open. "Logan?" he muttered in disbelief. Then he noticed that he wasn't on the ledge any longer. He was back in the living room, lying down on the couch and Logan was urging him to drink some tea? "Finally lost my mind," he whispered shocked.
"Drink," Logan commanded and placed the mug at Remy's lips. "Small sips only!"
Obediently, Remy swallowed the warm tea. He was trying hard to understand what was going on. As the warm liquid travelled down his throat, he released a strangled sigh. Finally, he'd emptied the mug and used the opportunity to ask, "What happened?" Actually, he didn't really care what had happened. All he could think of was how incredible sheltered he felt in Logan's protective embrace.
"Why did ya do that?" Logan asked and managed to keep the anger out of his tone. "Ya could have died out there!"
Confused, Remy cocked his head to study Logan's blue eyes. Fainting on the ledge was the last thing he wanted to discuss. He didn't want to talk at all! Logan's anger revealed true concern and he bathed in that warm feeling, pulling it inside and carefully locking it away. That warm concern seeped into every cell of his body and made his skin tingle. Eventually, it drove away the terrible cold.
Why was Remy looking at him like that? There was an odd expression in those red eyes. "What's wrong?" Eventually, Logan managed to label the sensation in those burning orbs. It was wonder, amazement. But why was it there?
Remy felt too hypnotized to answer that question. He'd always known that he was capable of picking up strong feelings, that wasn't something new, but this? It had never felt this intense before!
"Whatever it is, looks like it's doin' ya some good." Logan had noticed the blush that had settled on to Remy's face. Not even considering that the young man might find their embrace awkward or compromising, he removed the towel that had kept back Remy's hair. Slowly, and with infinite care, he untangled the auburn locks with his fingers.
"Why are you here, mon ami?" Remy finally stuttered. No one had ever visited him here in the boathouse. As he tried to raise his right hand, he realized that layers of towels formed a cocoon around his body.
Questioning eyes fixed on his and Logan smiled reassuringly. "Went back to check on ya, but ya were unconscious. So I brought ya here."
"And undressed me?" Remy stuttered in a shy tone.
"Yer clothes were soaking wet," Logan explained patiently. "Ya might come down with a nasty cold."
Feeling strangely shy, Remy said, "Sorry for causin' dis trouble."
"No trouble, kid." Logan wondered why Remy was turning shy all of sudden. "This bothering you?" he asked and loosened his hold a little, but didn't let go. Remy needed the comfort and he was going to get it!
"Non," Remy replied a little surprised. Logan holding him felt nice and he didn't want this to end, but? "You don' seem de kind of homme, goin' around huggin' people."
Logan laughed. It was a warm, genuine laugh. "Shows how little ya know about me, bub!"
"You got more tea?" Remy asked gingerly as the warmth inside his body faded.
"Sure," Logan reached for the other mug and watched Remy struggle to free a hand, which the Cajun managed to slip above the blanket. "Feelin' better?"
"Oui, merci," Remy whispered, as his fingers closed around the mug. He already feared the moment that Logan would get up to return to the mansion. If only the man would be willing to keep him company a little longer, until the cold had vanished from his bones. //Can' deal wid de silence?// a silence that had been his constant companion during these last days. He wanted to hear Logan's voice, to feel his concern and? "Don' you have to return to de mansion, cher?" he asked, afraid to learn the answer.
"Nope," Logan whispered in return. "I ain't leavin' ya alone in this state. I'm goin' to call Storm though."
Remy looked up while handing Logan the now empty mug. "Pourquoi?"
""Cause we need some food, bub! Ya ain't got anythin' to eat here!" Logan shook his head. "When was the last time ya ate?"
Remy slipped his hand back underneath the blanket and avoided Logan's eyes.
"Remy?" Logan pushed on relentlessly.
"Don' know."
A growl of discontentment left Logan's lips. "'kay, this is what we're gonna do. Ya gonna stay on the couch an' try to sleep."
"Can do that," Remy whispered relieved. Briefly, he had feared that Logan was going to lecture him. Although that wouldn't have been bad either. As long as Logan was concerned about him, he was emitting emotions and that was all he needed. "What are you goin' to do?"
"Call Storm an' tell her to bring us some food!" Logan exclaimed and slid off the couch, pushing the pillow back in place. "What were ya thinkin'? Were ya gonna starve yerself?"
Remy's eyes dropped shut. "Non, jus' wasn' hungry."
"That's gonna change now," Logan growled and moved over to the phone. "Try to sleep."
Remy briefly opened his eyes. "You're goin' to stay here, mon ami?" In the back of his head, he feared the return of that dreadful silence. It had slowly suffocated him during these last days. Things didn't seem that hopeless now that Logan was here.
"Yeah, bub. I'll stay." Logan noticed the relief in the red on black eyes and nodded his head. "I'll take care of ya, kid."
Reassured, Remy closed his eyes and gave into his fatigue. Logan had promised to stay and that knowledge made it easier for him to fall asleep.
Logan was about to dial the mansion's number, as someone pressed the door chime. A glance reassured him that Remy was still asleep and quickly, he made his way over to the door.
"Cyclops? Hank? What the hell?" Logan muttered stunned, as he opened the door.
"We're here to see Remy," Henry explained and peeked inside. Seeing Remy asleep on the couch he smiled. "The professor sent us to check on him."
Surprised, Logan stepped aside and gestured them to walk into the living room. "Was about time Chuck started to worry about him!"
Henry turned around and said, "I would like to have a look at Gambit. I gather he isn't doing that well?"
"Yeah," Logan whispered. "Go 'head an check on him." Maybe he'd missed something and Remy needed medical attention. As he wanted to follow McCoy to the couch, Scott placed a hand on his shoulder, keeping him back. "What do ya want, Cyke?"
"The professor wants me to inform you about the things we discovered." Scott drew in a deep breath. "Let's move this upstairs. We don't want to disturb Gambit's sleep."
Surprised by Cyclops' thoughtfulness, Logan gave in and fell into step beside the other man. "What did Chuck discover?"
Scott gestured Logan to keep his voice down. "The professor thinks Remy is an empath."
"Empath?" Logan repeated questioningly. "Ain't that about reading an' picking up feelings?"
"Yes," Scott confirmed with a sigh. "But the professor suspects that there's a lot more going on. He couldn't give me any detailed information, but I suspect he's on to something."
Logan's puzzled eyes fixed on Cyclops. "What's gonna happen next?"
"The professor wants to talk to Gambit tomorrow. Hank is now making sure that Remy will be fine and?" Scott presented the box he'd been carrying. "We brought you something to eat. Hank checked the supply lists and Remy never asked for anything so?"
Logan raised an eyebrow as he went through the box's contents. "Thanks for bringin' this. Wanted to phone 'Ro and ask her to drop off some stuff."
"Are you going to stay with Remy tonight? Hank and I can stay too if you?"
"That ain't necessary." Logan selected the canned soup from the box and nodded his head. "I'll look after him."
"Good," Scott whispered, slightly embarrassed for not having intervened sooner.
"I'm gonna warm up this soup." Logan didn't know what to make of Scott's guilty expression.
Scott followed Logan downstairs and looked at Hank who'd just finished his examination. Gambit was still asleep due to exhaustion and Scott was shocked, seeing the dark circles underneath the Cajun's eyes. //We did this to him,// he admitted privately. //But we're going to find out what really happened at that trial and why things got out of hand.//

 

Chapter Four

Lonely in your nightmare
Even on the darkest night when empty promise means empty hand
And soldiers coming home like shadows turning red
When the lights of hope are fading quickly then look to me
I'll be your homing angel I'll be in your head.
Because you're so lonely in your nightmare let me in
and it's cold out on your stone range let me in
Because there's heat beneath your winter let me in
Duran Duran

Logan sat opposite the couch and studied Remy in his sleep. Hank and Scott had left after telling him to escort Gambit to the mansion tomorrow at 12.00 hours. Their first stop was going to be the med lab, as Hank had been concerned about Remy's present condition. McCoy had already announced a complete physical. Logan grinned, knowing it would take some convincing to make the Cajun comply.
After Hank had finished his poking he would walk Remy to the professor's study. Scott and he had agreed to stay close to Gambit during that conversation, in case Remy would suffer a mental break down.
Looking into the kitchen he realized that the soup was ready to be served. He'd used the bread that Scott had brought to make some sandwiches and had even tossed up a salad.
"Remy?" Logan said in a loud tone. He was still amazed that the Cajun had slept through Hank and Scott's visit. Kid had to be drained. Sitting on his heels next to the couch he tapped Remy's brow. "Wake up."
Sleepy eyes opened and needed a moment to focus on him. "Fixed us somethin' to eat." Logan closely observed Gambit's eyes, noticing the growing awareness in them. "Yeah, told ya I would stay."
A weak smile appeared on Remy's face. "Merci," he whispered. Words couldn't express his gratitude towards this man. "I'll try to eat."
"Oh, ya will eat!" Logan whispered and helped Remy to sit upright. "Let's get ya into the kitchen."
"I can walk," Remy replied in a shy tone. But the blankets and towels, which were tangled around his body, made it almost impossible for him to rise from the couch.
"What the heck," Logan said amused. "I've done this before," and he carefully lifted the younger man from the couch.
"What are you doin', homme?" Remy whispered embarrassed. He didn't like feeling this helpless and considered struggling to force Logan to release him. The madness of that idea struck him a moment later. There was a big chance that he would fall flat on his butt the way he was feeling right now. "You don' have to do dis."
"I don't mind," Logan said honestly. "Yer a teammate." Logan helped Remy sit down and then got the food. "Yer gonna eat."
Remy peeked at Logan's face and realized that the man was serious. "Or else?"
"Or I'm gonna force feed ya!"
"Non," Remy replied a little startled. He freed his hands and reached for the spoon. "What's dis?"
"Chicken soup."
Remy smiled. " I hate chicken soup? ya need to get me some Gumbo!"
"Don't go there," Logan admonished him, relieved that Gambit was back to his old tricks. "I'm gonna stay here with ya tonight."
Slowly, Remy started to eat a sandwich to go with the soup. "You're goin' to baby sit me now?" Staring at the soup, he tried to keep the few bites of sandwich down in his stomach, which wasn't used to food any more.
"Ya need one," Logan countered and devoured his share of sandwiches. "I closed the window in yer bedroom. I'll take the couch." The towels and blanket were slipping down Gambit's shoulders and revealed pale skin. "Ya really need to gain the weight, Remy."
Remy grinned although he didn't know why. "Logan, cher," he started and locked eyes with his teammate. "Tell me pourquoi? Since de ice?" His voice trailed off, lost in memories. "It was so cold, mon ami."
"I'm sorry that ever happened, kid," Logan whispered, "but ya can't give up now." Remy's swimming eyes took him by surprise. "Why are ya so eager to give up?"
"What's dere to fight for, Logan? I lost Rogue and?" Quickly, he banished all memories that featured her from his mind. She had hurt him profoundly and even speaking her name caused the wound to open again.
Logan poured him some orange juice. "Drink this. Ya need the vitamins."
Remy accepted and sipped from it. "I don' know why I'm still here, Logan. Why am I doin' dis to myself? It hurts to be here?"
"Things are gonna change," Logan promised. "Tomorrow yer gonna talk to Chuck and?"
Resolved, Remy shook his head. "Non."
"What?" Logan raised an eyebrow.
"Not goin' to de mansion," Remy said in a surprisingly firm tone.
"Ya will go! Even if I have to carry ya!"
That statement made Remy smile. "You really care about me, don' you?"
"Yeah, I do," Logan assured the younger man. "But ya need rest. Now finish dessert and then?"
With big eyes, Remy stared at the slice of cheesecake Logan placed in front of him. "Mais cher, I can' eat all dat!" Logan didn't reply, but seeing the expression in the older man's eyes, Remy took hold of the fork and took a bite.
Logan had greatly surprised him, never expecting the man to take the initiative like this. But Wolverine still emitted this concern and it was drawing him closer all the time, cherishing its existence. //Mais?// Quickly, he checked all his mental blockades. Something was wrong? something was different.
Then it hit him. His charm power! Usually he had to tightly control it, making sure people weren't affected by it, but now? it was gone! Its familiar presence was gone! Shocked, the fork dropped from his fingers.
"Remy? What's the matter?" Logan didn't like the fear on Gambit's face. Maybe they shouldn't wait until tomorrow. Maybe he should take Remy to the mansion right now!
Remy sensed the change in Logan's emotions and forced himself to act casually. "Nothing's wrong, mon ami? must be all dat food!"
"Yer lyin'," Logan stated, as his senses told him otherwise. "Ya don't need to lie to me."
"Don'? " Remy said pleadingly. His charm power couldn't have vanished into thin air! This ability had gotten him in and out of trouble dozens of times! Concentrating, he tried to aim it at Logan, but nothing happened.
"Somethin' upset ya," Logan realized and his eyes narrowed.
"It's personal," Remy said, avoiding the issue. His eyes blinked a few times. This couldn't be happening!
Logan decided that it was time for a distraction. "Want a cigar?" and offered the Cajun one. Surprised, he noted the expression of nausea on Gambit's face.
Remy was still trying to deal with the sudden loss of his charm power when that question hit him. "Cigar? Non?"
"Remy? Ya better start talkin'." Logan leaned forward and pulled Remy's chair closer.
Unable to keep his grounds, Remy's eyes pleaded for understanding.
"Keepin' it all inside don't work," Logan said sincerely. "Been there, done that? trust me."
"Plus tard," Remy objected. He couldn't deal with this now. His charm?!
"I want an answer."
Sighing, Remy stuttered, "After I got back de cigarettes made me feel sick? had to l'arrêt pour fumer."
Logan put away his cigars. "We'll talk tomorrow. Now yer gonna rest. Will take ya to the bedroom." Logan got to his feet and without paying any attention to Remy's objections, lifted the young man in his arms again. "Now don't ya get used to me carryin' ya around!" he expected a smart-ass remark, but Remy was biting his lip. Whatever inner struggle Remy was going through, the Cajun wasn't ready to let him in.
//I don' understand dis!// Remy thought upset. The charm power had been his constant companion. It had caused him great pain, but had also been useful at times. //Never knew for sure if people liked me for who I was or 'cause of dat damned charm!// And now that it was gone he felt even more exposed, naked? strangely helpless.
Remy trembled in his arms, but Logan didn't make a remark about it. All he could do right now was to be there for Remy, should the younger man need him and eventually let him in. "Open that door," he instructed as they reached the bedroom.
Somehow Remy managed to process that request and pushed the door open. The temperature inside the room was comfortable and Logan had even remembered to dim the lights. As Wolverine lowered him onto the bed he sighed heavily. Logan stepped away from him and? "Where are you goin', Logan?"
Logan easily detected the sudden alarm in Remy's voice and replied, "Just gettin' some clothes or ya wanna sleep in the nude?" Gambit's wicked grin surprised him. "Forget I ever asked that!"
Remy was trying hard to pretend that nothing was wrong, but inwardly he was screaming. What the hell was happening to him? His charm power was gone and instead he was picking up every single change in Logan's feelings! It was driving him mad!
Logan smelled Remy's anxiety and fear, but wasn't sure how the Cajun would react if he addressed it. "Where do ya keep yer clothes?" Remy pointed him to a drawer near the window and as he opened it, he nodded his head. "Just what I was lookin' for!"
Logan returned to the bed and said, "Raise those arms."
Remy obeyed meekly. His mind was still trying to work out where his charm had gone and where this ability to read Logan's feelings had come from. It had started after Antarctica? He barely noticed that Logan slid the shirt over his head and then straightened it out.
"Now the bottom half. Ya don't need those towels any more." Methodically, he peeled the layers of fabric off Remy's body. "Ya can help, ya know."
Remy suddenly realized the state he was in. "Give me dose!" he yelped and quickly put on the sweat pants.
"Lay down." Logan pulled the comforter over Remy's body. "Anythin' ya need before I'm gonna sleep too?"
Terribly confused, Remy composed himself. "You're goin' to sleep? où?" The thought that Logan wouldn't be close actually frightened him. The silence would return when Logan went away, taking all those delicious feelings of concern with him.
"On the couch in the livin' room." Logan cocked his head, as the stench of fear in the room worsened. Remy didn't want him to leave?
"Can' you stay ici?" Remy had managed to get back in to sitting position.
Logan sighed. "Want me to stay here?"
"Oui? please," he added. In his current state of mind he didn't trust himself to be alone. He might do something stupid he would regret later, like returning to that cliff and making that jump after all. Normally, he could charm the person into doing what he wanted, but this time? "I can' be alone maintenant?" he added in a strangled tone.
"It's 'kay, kid. If ya want me to stay, I will," Logan said quickly, recognizing the rising desperation in those red on black eyes. He was about to pull a chair closer to the bed as Remy made a startled sound. "Talk to me, bub."
"I was hoping dat you would?" Unable to finish the remark, he laid back down, pushing his body into the comfort of the mattress.
Logan knew what Remy had wanted to say. Remy's feelings were clearly written in those orbs. "Hold ya?"
"Oui, mais you don' need to if you don' want to?" Remy raved in an upset tone. "Don' want you to feel inconfortable." But having Logan close would make him feel so much better, so much saver! Especially now that his world had been turned upside down. What had happened to his powers?
"Don't worry about it, Remy," Logan assured him and walked to the other side of the bed. Lying down he extended one arm. "If ya wanna get closer?" Logan almost cringed seeing the doubt in Remy's eyes. "I'm serious, kid."
Wordlessly, Remy rolled into the embrace and rested his head on Logan's chest. "I'm in your debt, mon ami."
"Why? For holdin' ya when ya need some warmth?" Logan whispered displeased.
"Oui," Remy mumbled in return. "Have slept alone for? too long?" His head moved ever so slightly as Logan breathed in and out again. The realization that a human being was close, was holding him, almost made him cry softly. Logan's hand soothingly stroked his back and he surrendered to that sensation.
"Go to sleep, Cajun," Logan whispered in a comforting tone. "I'll stay here all night and tomorrow when ya wake up, I'll still be here."
"You don' know how much dat means to me." Remy was quickly falling asleep again, clinging to the warm body next to him for safety.
"No, that's where ya wrong, Remy." Logan realized that the younger man was finally asleep again and felt confident enough to add, "I know how much it means to ya. That's why I am here and not leavin' ya."
Reassured by Remy's regular breathing, Logan closed his eyes and tried to catch some shuteye as well. It had been an exhausting day.

 

Chapter Five

Lonely in your nightmare
Even on the darkest night when empty promise means empty hand
And soldiers coming home like shadows turning red
When the lights of hope are fading quickly then look to me
I'll be your homing angel I'll be in your head.
Because you're so lonely in your nightmare let me in
and it's cold out on your stone range let me in
Because there's heat beneath your winter let me in
Duran Duran

Logan was twisting and turning in bed. In his sleep the events of his past came back to haunt him. The nightmares that he sometimes suffered usually made him wake up all clammy and hot. This night was one of them. Dealing with Remy's pain had brought out his own.
Part of his mind realized that he had to wake up, but the faces of the men in lab coats were keeping him restrained. He couldn't move as they pressed the button that started the process of shooting the adamantium into his body, filling his bones, even replacing them.
A terrible pain coursed through his body as he relieved the violation. //Wake up, wake up!// he told himself, but he couldn't! As he was dropped into a tank filled with liquid, he stared at his tormentors, incapable of speech as an oxygen mask covered his mouth. He wanted to scream, to tell them to stop, but they were congratulating each other on the achieved success! His body twisted in the bed as his mind seemed to shatter into a thousand pieces. He couldn't take this much longer!
One of the scientists ordered him to be taken out of the tank to examine his new skeleton, but those hands were cruel and cold. Even after all these years he still felt the hands of that man on his skin and?
"Calm down, Logan, please!" Remy begged, as he wildly shook Logan's shoulders. Wolverine's anxiety and horror had seeped into his mind during his sleep and it had taken him a while to get back in control of his senses. He wasn't used to experiencing someone else's fear, but in the end his concern won. "Please wake up, Logan!"
Logan reacted instinctively to the feel of hands on his shoulders. All he could think of was escape. He had to get away from these mad scientists. They would never let him go!
Logan's fist sent him flying across the room and Remy's back crashed into the wall. Sliding down he struggled to remain conscious. The left side of his face hurt and a throbbing ache shot right through his spine. A strangled moan fled his lips as he tried to get back to his feet, but he failed and sank down onto his knees. That blow had possessed an incredible force.
"What?" Logan's eyes snapped open, suddenly realizing that he'd had a nightmare. His eyes quickly scanned the room and he flinched as he discovered Remy's crumbled body. "Fuck!" he cursed, angry with himself for losing control and lashing out at Remy. He shouldn't have given in to Remy's request to hold him during their sleep. He'd completely forgotten about his nightmares!
Within a heartbeat he was out of bed and dashing over to Remy's side. "I'm sorry, kid. Never wanted to hurt ya!" he whispered upset. Remy raised his head and Logan's brow grew knitted seeing the redness of the skin, showing him where his fist had impacted. Hell, they were lucky that he hadn't used his claws to fight off his so-called assailant!
Logan's true regret flowed into his mind and Remy stuttered, "I'll survive, mon ami?" His head reeled and growing dizzy, he noticed that the floor was quickly rising to meet him.
He realized that Remy was about to faint and quickly folded an arm around the young man's waist. "Lemme," he ordered and moved Remy back to the bed. This time he sat down in the chair while examining the injury he had caused. Part of Remy's face was already starting to swell. "I'm sorry," he repeated honestly.
Remy forced himself to smile. Thankfully the vertigo was retreating now that he was lying down. "You surprised me," he whispered in return. "Never knew you had nightmares, Logan."
"I don't go around spreadin' the word," Logan growled uncomfortably, "but yeah, it happens sometimes."
After releasing a relieved sigh, Remy managed to focus his eyes on Logan's. He tried hard to ignore the throbbing pain in his face and neck, but his face briefly contorted as he attempted to cock his head.
Logan noticed the stab of pain moving over Remy's face and said, "Should get some ice to cool that down." Ashamed, because he had lost control, he wanted a moment of privacy to recompose himself. The fact that he had unwillingly hurt Gambit shocked him.
"Do you have dose nightmares often, cher?" Remy asked, seeing the shame and tension on Logan's face. He'd forgotten about his own problems, now that he realized that Logan's sleep had been tormented by someone, something. The pain and terror had been all consuming and he still shivered at the memory. Thankfully, Logan seemed back in control as the dark feelings were no longer invading his mind.
"Ya got enough problems without havin' to deal with mine," Logan berated the Cajun. "I'm gonna get that ice."
"Don'."
Remy had grabbed his arm and Logan stared at the young man. Surprised, he noticed the firm determination in those blurry eyes. "Got a headache? Want some aspirin?"
"Non." Remy took great care not to shake his head to prevent the headache from growing worse. "Sit down and talk to me, Logan."
Indecisively, Logan remained motionless. He couldn't possibly burden Remy with his past.
"I mean it," Remy added in a tense tone, sensing the older man's doubt. Sighing, he wondered if he'd ever find a way to deal with these alien feelings. Not so long ago he would have used his charm on Logan to take away the pain. //Would have changed de pain to lust and?// He would have allowed Wolverine to take what he needed so the older man could escape the pain. //Did dat bef're,// he thought and almost shrugged his shoulders. But using his charm power wasn't an option any longer.
In spite of feeling ashamed and guilty for knocking down Remy, Logan distinctly noticed the conflicting expression in the young man's eyes. Remy's offer to talk about it was tempting, but? "Ya don't have to deal with my problems."
"You took care of me, when I needed someone? I want to help you too? if I can," Remy offered, realizing that Logan was about to decline. Determinedly, he struggled until he was sitting upright and then rested his back against the head end. "S'asseoir!" he ordered and patted the side of the bed.
Frustrated, Logan gave in and sat down. "Ya don't need to do this."
"I want to," Remy stated firmly. "What was dat nightmare about?" What had scared Wolverine like that? It had never crossed his mind that anything could cause Logan to have nightmares. The man was so strong willed, so indestructible! He had never seen Logan this? confused?
//Anger? pain? fear? terror?// the feelings were still waiting underneath Logan's mental surface to emerge again and he wanted to prevent that from happening. He wasn't sure he could take another emotional outburst.
Slowly, his claws appeared and Logan stared at the shining metal. "Ya know how I got these?"
"Non," Remy replied. Logan was a very private man and guarded his privacy and past viciously. This was the first time ever that Wolverine was opening up to him. "You were born wid dem?"
Logan laughed embittered. "No, bub. My mutant power is the healin' factor."
Confused, Remy looked up at him. "Tell me, cher."
"Weapon X." Logan mumbled the words. "They wanted to create the perfect killin' machine? and I was the perfect candidate. The healin' factor ensured that I'd survive."
"Survive what?" Logan's words were only adding to his confusion. Oui, he knew about the healing power, but?
"They added the adamantium to my skeleton, causin' these claws to?" Thinking about it set off unsettling memories and as he looked in to Remy's eyes, he saw his own pain reflected there.
"Dey violated your mind and body," Remy whispered, as things started to make sense. He offered no apologies, just held Logan's stare. "And it still haunts you."
"At times it pops up?" Logan admitted.
"At night? the nightmares? I understand, cher." Remy squeezed Logan's hand. "Don' feel bad about what happened, Logan."
"What if I had used my claws instead?"
Logan's whispered words made him shiver. Wolverine had every reason to be concerned. "You didn'. Dat's what counts."
"I'm gonna get that ice now," Logan decided and shook off Remy's hand.
Remy let him go, realizing Logan needed a moment alone. Resting his head against the pillows, he stared at the ceiling. Now that the distance was increasing between them, Logan's emotions were fading a little and became tolerable.
Logan's confession had taken him aback. He'd never suspected that Wolverine was hiding such pain. It rocked his world and finally he found some inner balance again. He knew from personal experience how Logan had to feel about those scientists who had violated him that deeply, had hurt him so tremendously. //He must have felt helpless? Mon Dieu?// and he fought hard to keep his own memories from crushing in on him. He needed to concentrate on Logan now!

Logan opened the fridge and took out the ice, which he placed in the centre of a small towel. It would lessen the ache and reduce the swelling. Suddenly, he realized that his fingers were trembling slightly.
"Fuck! I could have killed him!" His fist banged into the counter in frustration. He'd never considered that this could happen. The nightmares had left him alone for months and they had seldom possessed this night's intensity!
"What am I gonna do now?" he wondered aloud. He had apologized to Remy, but it didn't make up for what he had done. Remy was in pain because of him! Maybe he should have accepted Scott's offer to stay the night, but it was too late now to call the mansion and what could he say? //Come over 'cause I almost knocked Gambit out cold?//
No, he had to return to the bedroom and face what he had done. //And Remy?// The Cajun's reaction still baffled him. Most people would have pushed him away after such an attack, but Gambit had sat there quietly, listening to him. In the midst of all his personal problems, Remy had set them aside to listen to HIM!
"Cher?"
Remy's voice forced him to stop his musings. After making sure that he had gathered enough ice, he climbed the stairs again. Every step felt heavy and briefly he paused. This had changed everything. Remy now knew about his personal demons and would probably be very careful when dealing with him. He couldn't even blame the Cajun for that. //I could have killed him!// the thought returned and made him shiver.
Remy kept a close eye on the door, sensing Logan's return. The self-doubt, emanating from Logan, told him how Wolverine expected him to react to this situation. But he would never turn his back on a friend, and certainly not a friend who had saved his life only hours ago.
Hesitantly, Logan stepped inside. "Brought the ice," he said in a tense tone.
"Merci, cher." Remy gestured him to return to the bed. "I know you didn' want to hurt me, Logan."
"That doesn't matter." Logan gently placed the icy cold towel on the bruised skin.
Sighing painfully, Remy gritted his teeth. It hurt. "Will tell Henri dat I stumbled and fell."
"Oh shit!" Logan hissed, realizing Hank would want to know what had happened. "Ya don't need to lie," he whispered. "Hank knows that?"
"You suffer from nightmares?"
"Yeah, something like that." Logan raised his eyes and looked into Remy's, expecting? what? What did he expect to see? Fear? "I'm gonna sleep in the chair."
"Non, you won'," Remy's tone carried determination, as he resorted to old tricks. "Need your body heat, cher."
"Remy, it would be stupid to risk?"
"L'arrêter!" Oh, if only he still had his charm power! Then things wouldn't be this difficult. He could have charmed Logan into relaxation! "Get back into bed!"
Logan smiled at the way that sounded. "Maybe later."
Frustrated, Remy sighed. "I trust you, mon ami."
"I just fuckin' slammed ya into the wall!" Logan immediately regretted his tone as Remy flinched underneath his fingers. "Didn't want it to sound like that, but?"
Remy remained silent, as he listened to Logan's emotions, which were coursing through his mind.
"Shit, I'm doin' this all wrong," Logan growled. Carefully, he lifted the icy towel to inspect the bruising. The skin was already turning black and blue. "I should call "Ro and ask her to?"
"I want you close." Remy licked his lips, treading on new grounds. It actually frightened him to be in control for once. Usually, the charm power took that away from him once it was affecting the other. "I don' want de oders to see me like dis and I don' mean de bruising!" he added quickly.
Logan resigned. What was it about Remy that always made him give in? "I'll stay 'wake," he promised.
Remy smiled weakly. The smile turned into a grimace as pain sliced through his jaw, but he bit it down. Taking the initiative, he closed his fingers around the ice and said, "Please, hold me 'gain?" He needed to show Logan that he still trusted him.
Quietly, Logan moved around the bed and slid on top of the comforter, determined to stay awake for the rest of the night. "Ya sure ya don't want some aspirin?"
"Je suis sûr," Remy said reassuringly and gingerly moved back into the embrace. His neck hurt and he cringed.
Staring at the ceiling Logan remained silent, but couldn't deny that Remy's trust acted as a soothing balm to his hurt soul.
Remy grew drained, as the night's events caught up with him. The ice slipped from his fingers as exhaustion took over. It lured him back into sleep.
Logan took hold of the ice and resumed cooling the abused skin. Remy's regular breathing assured him that the young man was asleep. "I could have killed ya."

 

Go on to Part2