JANGLE BELLS
as per Jingle Bells
by James Pierpont
Crashing through the snow
in a worn-out rusty sleigh
barely hangin on
laughing anyway
Bells in my head ring
voices taunt and chide
"You can't sing like Janis sings
not even if you tried!"
Oh
Jangle bells garlic smells
just like rotten eggs
still I'd rather eat them than
your liver any day
Jangle bells who can tell
who is posting true
maybe you're disguised as me
or I'm disguised as you
A day or two ago
I thought I'd check the Board
but our Ms FANny Bright
was posting here no more
The messages were gone
misfortune seemed my lot
but now they've all come back again
am I insane, or what?
Oy
Jangle bells garlic smells
just like rotten eggs
still I'd rather eat them than
your liver any day
Jangle bells who can tell
who has got a clue
maybe you're disguised as me
and I'm disguised as you
And so, dear visitors
who read these words I say
we Take No Prisoners
though you be str8 or gay
But have you figured out
the moral of my tale?
You'd better get your Janis boxer
shorts while they're on sale!
Oh
Jangle bells garlic smells
just like rotten eggs
still I'd rather eat them than
your liver any day
Jangle bells who can tell
who is zoomin who
maybe you're disguised as me
and I'm disguised as you
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: December 2001
RUDIES (RADIO JINGLE)
as per Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
by John Marks and inspired by the
Janis Ian Holiday Blowout Sale
Intro:
You know Flasher and Dancer
and Prancer (those twits) and
Grommet and Clueless
and Stoner and Quicksand
But do you recall
The most crazy Rudie of all?
Rude Dee's the most insane, dear
Cuddling my Rude Girl clothes
And if you saw my T-shirts
You would order some of those
All of the other Rudies
Used to laugh and call me names
Crazy and Sir and Madam
Someone even called me Dame
Then one foggy winter's eve
Janis came to say,
"Rudies you are out of sight!
Won't you buy my discs tonight?"
And how the Rudies loved them
Playing them with joyful glee
Singing her songs and wearing
Janis underpants like me!
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: December 2001
HERE COMES JANTA CLAUS
as per that seasonal classic
Here Comes Santa Claus
by Autry and Haldeman
Here comes Janta Claus, here comes Janta Claus
Writing down postings again
Foster, Murphy, Jake, the Rudies
Find them all (oy veh)
My head is ringing with voices singing to
Drive me out of my mind
Holey stockins, but I keep rockin
Cause Janta was here last night
Here comes Janta Claus, here comes Janta Claus
Writing down postings again
She's got a Rude Girl bag of toys
For all we FANny friends
Unreleased CDs (she's up to
Number three if I'm right)
Boxing gloves and boxer shorts
Will Janta Claus come tonight?
Here comes Janta Claus, here comes Janta Claus
Writing down postings again
She don't care if you're rich or poor
She loves you just the same
Janta knows we're all God's chil'ren
(though I be out of my mind)
Fill your ears with songs of cheer
For Janta Claus comes tonight
Here comes Janta Claus, here comes Janta Claus
Writing down postings again!
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: November 2001
JANTA CLAUS IS WATCHING YOU NOW
inspired by Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
by Haven Gillespie and J Fred Coots
and the fun holiday antics of Janis Ian
Oh ...
You better watch out
She could be a spy
A double agent for the FBI
Janta Claus is watching you now
She rattles my nerves
She's wrecking my life
I used to have dreams that she was my wife
Janta Claus is watching you now
She sees the things you're posting
If you are straight or gay
And if your songs are bad or good
So be careful what you say!
Oh ...
You better watch out
She could be a spy
A triple agent for the FBI
Janta Claus is watching you now
She reads what you are posting
If you're a girl or boy
If you are naughty or you're nice
And it makes me paranoid
Oy ...
You better watch out
She could be a spy
Another agent for the FBI
Janta Claus is watching you now
:-}
Good job, Tina!
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: November 2001
THE COST OF FRIES
as loosely (and I do mean loosely) based upon
Will You Dance? by Janis Ian
Someone's complaining
posting about money
lots of cheap excuses, someone's whining
Counting every coin that I oin before
big taxation sucks me dry ...
There's a chance that your rants are a
dance to enhance your complaints and lies
Buy your wife something nice
spend a bit more tonight
than the cost of fries
Someone's come 'plaining
I have gone commercial
greedy for big bushels of green money
Says that I've abandoned my folking roots and
the passing of baskets
I'm a song whore, I just want more ...
Are you sure of your stance when you rant I'm
entranced by those dollar signs?
Buy your wife something nice
spend a bit more tonight
than the cost of fries
Someone's complaining
give us entertainment
cheap, because we value all your efforts
Have you checked the cost of a movie with popcorn?
I think you'll be surprised ...
There's a chance that your rants are a
dance to enhance your complaints and lies
Buy your wife something nice
spend a bit more tonight
than the cost of fries
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: November 2001
BOOZE WILL MAKE YOU HURL
as inspired by Play Like A Girl
by Janis Ian
I remember when a voice warned me
booze will make you hurl
it's pathetic but it ain't no mystery
booze will make you hurl
You can't drink and still stand
you don't drink like a man
some folks can hold their liquor
you just hurl it quicker
Now all over my clean white shirt
boozing made me hurl
from that new dress that I liked to my
fashion fish net tights
boozing made me hurl
When I was still a youth and quite uncouth
(and never very tall)
I used to take a little nip then I'd
have another sip
until I would have drank it all
I used to think drinking was fun
I used to be really quite stunned
I used to think it was cool to
drink a lot then puke
And all over my lovely shirt
boozing made me hurl
from that new dress that I liked to my
fashion fish net tights
boozing made me hurl
I don't wanna sound preachy
(like J Edgar the babe)
this isn't a sermon
have a drink if you must do to
have a good time but don't abuse it
I have no solution
to stop booze pollution
when they tell me, go away I
raise my looking glass and say
Do you wanna ruin your nice shirt?
booze will make you hurl
or this new dress that you like or your
fashion fish net tights?
Booze will make you hurl
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: October 2001
BREAKFAST
as per Memphis by Janis Ian
Give me bacon, eggs, and sausage
toast of golden brown
bran muffins big as boulders
orange juice to wash them down
I like jam upon my croissant
and if I still have room
Give me sections of grapefruit
and coffee and cream too
any old mug will do
If you could eat breakfast the way that I do
You would be happier too
Big pot of coffee, cream cheese on my bagels
Breakfast, oh how I love you ...
The rolls on, the rolls on
how breakfast packs the rolls on
like a stack of sweet pancakes
all piled around my waist
or waffles with butter, appear
If you could eat breakfast the way that I do
You would be jollier too
Big pot of coffee, cream cheese on my bagels
Breakfast, oh how I love you
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: September 2001
YOU MUST BE REALLY FULL
aka An Autumn Ode To Summer
as per She Must Be Beautiful
by the lovely and talented Janis Ian
The beach balls of summer have blown
Give me apples, brown sugar and oats
Come bake a fruit cobbler of nutmeg and sweetness
Topped with vanilla ice cream ...
You must be really full
Dee, overeating's a curse
to thighs and to seat
You must be really full
White linen tails will not
cover the width of these
Cinnamon siren buns luring you
into the kitchen and far from your bed
You must be really full
Yes, really full
Still you plan your next meal in your head!
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: September 2001
SOME KINDA WALRUS
as per I Am The Walrus
by John Lennon
(I am Dee as you are ye and
Janis Ian brings us all together
See how she lands planes for Dr Dan
see how she flies - I'm hiding)
Bidding on a bootleg,
waiting for the fans to come.
Trade a Rude Girl T-shirt,
for your pirate boot leg.
Man, you are so naughty, oy,
go sell your own damn songs.
I'm the McEgg, man; you are in trouble.
J Edgar wants you (boo boop dee doo)
Alaskan vacation fishing for king salmon
looking for moose by the road.
See how we fly like
CDs through the sky, I'm terrified.
I'm trying, I'm flying! I smell oysters frying!
A little yellow mustard;
served with salmon on the side.
Crabcakes and a fish fry, porno souvenir shop,
oy, you caught a nasty cold
you better go lay down.
Dreaming of Walmart, where the warm clothes are.
Dee is a walnut (boo boop dee doo) ...
Salmon Ella Fishfood hurling in
the arctic flowers.
Little eagle bald chicks singing Hare Krishna,
man, I'd love to see the whales I hear they're quite a show.
I made a plane land; Pat caught a salmon;
I loved the otters (boo boop dee doo)
I made a plane land; we saw some moose and
some kinda walrus (boo boop dee doo).
xo
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: August 2001
ALASKAN SCENES
as per At Seventeen
by Janis Ian
I'm sure a moose lurks in those trees
Pat, love, would you slow down some, please?
This highway curls and winds for miles
You want I should drive for a while?
The gallons of Alaskan fuel
we burn on finding Trojan Moose
must be the reason whales run scared
each time they spot my Rude Girl™ hair
And those of us who caught no fishes
nothing for our supper dishes
desperately remained in bed
a summer cold inside our head
and sure enough the others find
king salmon on their fishing lines
I caught a cold and these
Alaskan scenes
A long-horned sheep and bears that climb
and stumbling cubs on mountain sides
said, "Hey, you humans in that boat!
What do you think, we're Billy Goats?"
And a half a dozen eagles fly
in a midnight sun where bald chicks try
but they haven't got the knack of things
like I have when I'm on the wing
Remember she who lands the plane is
Captain Janis! That's her name!
Conquering Alaskan skies
so Dr Dan can close his eyes
I'm small, but I can get you through
much better than those bald chicks do
and show you lots of these
Alaskan scenes
(beauty video of whales spouting, moose feeding,
hundreds of large salmon leaping into boats)
To those of us who never knew
when Wildflower-ing at the Zoo
that real wild flowers shiver where
you need lots of Rude™ underwear
Not so long ago or far away
the night was brighter than the day
and hopes of catching salmon fish
was our vacationer's big wish
We all fly our planes and when we dare
we hunt for moose with cameras where
the other people stop to see
what's going on there by the trees
I seem to have a lot of shots of
many Trojan Moose's butts
and lovely memories ...
Alaskan scenes
xo
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: August 2001
DEE'S BOOTS ARE MADE FOR CLOGGIN'
aka The J Eddy Lou Square Dancing Reel
confusedly based upon Janis Ian's
Boots Like Emmy Lou's and Lee Hazlewood's
These Boots Are Made For Walkin'
If I had boots like Eddy Lou's
I'd strum my toy guitar
with rhinestones on my tutu
as I roamed around in bars
I'd fly out of the closet
with a great big lot-o-fuss
and those who called me president
would soon call me a wuss
If I had boots like Eddy Lou's
I'd shave my head like those
wrestlers love to do
I'd give my head a shine
with wax and turpentine
If I had boots like Eddy Lou's
I'd never drink no wine
With both my roots in rubber boots
I woke up in a ditch
a dog lay down beside me but
that doggy was a snitch
that bow-wow went and told the press
that I was kinda strange
and showed them all my rewrites as
some proof I was Deeranged
If I had boots like Eddy Lou's
I'd shave my head like those
wrestlers love to do
I'd give my head a shine
with wax and turpentine
If I had boots like Eddy Lou's
I'd never drink no wine
For wine's a little fruity
and coolers taste like candy
I'd love a drink, but golly
it takes me to the wall
Now who's that in the mink?
Is that J Eddy Fink?
Or J Edgar Hoover in his tutu
oh so pink?
These boots are made for cloggin!
That's what my neighbours do!
Who ever thought that boots would ever
make me come unglued?
(repeat ad nauseum)
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: August 2001
CAT FIGHTS & SKIRMISHES
inspired by Janis Ian's
Bright Lights & Promises
Cat fights and skirmishes, a death in Italy
protesters rage in the streets
I'm old and overtired
with half a mind you've seen
Peace is nothing like it used to mean
Liquor was good (until I went mad)
sometimes I wish I could run away
Noisy neighbours drive me
out of my mind, see
How long does it take to renovate?
Overhead I hear those noisy Racket-eers!
hammers pounding night and day
Give me songs that soothe
not too loud, a little rude
Songs like Janis Ian plays
(tinkly piano bits, smokey sax junk)
Yard sales & tag sales and, Hey, is that a kite?
How much for these ear plugs? Are they tight?
Oh, they're used. They'll have to do -
I get no sleep at night
Some cats are just way too old to fight
I don't like to whine about my half a mind
but I can hardly hear my damn guitar
and headphones are no help when
noisy workers descend
Sundays used to be restful
Until all I hear are the sounds of silence dear
Janis come and get me outta here
(depressing news reports, knocking,
hammering, sawing, yelling, drilling)
Cat fights and skirmishes
they bang the floor
overhead jackhammering and more
All this bad news makes me cry and
both my jumbo ears are sore
Janis, let's go to the store
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: July 2001
for Bryan
FROM DEE 2 U
as per From Me To You
by Janis Ian
My hair is a fright and so it must go
I'm shaving it off (less the
sprouts and little bows)
I really cannot see any better thing to do
since I got it kinda tangled with the glue
Every strand I am shaving disappears from my eyes
such noisy new neighbours I'm out of my mind
they haven't got the grace to let a
person sleep at night
cause they haven't got a lick o'sense inside
Those people renovating are so noisy that they
drive me up the wall
plus my other noisy neighbour with her
banging hockey stick across the hall
oh why must they be so noisy and
discourteous to all?
Cause they do not like you, Dee
and they will not sing your songs
Well, grumpy whiners aren't invited to this Ball
They say you are foolish rewriting the songs
say you are smelly and doing it wrong
tell you Janis Ian will be angry if you try
they're pretending not to notice from the
corner of their eye as they
send you nasty e-mail so you'll cry
You're more than Canadjun all borders you stride
you love Janis Ian but she's got her a wife
and Murphy says there's no room
in the kennel as it is
so don't come on down to Nashville (if you
know where Nashville is)
Oh my hair is a fright and so I must go
I'm shaving my head (less the
sprouts and little bows)
I really cannot see any better thing to do
unless maybe wear a paper bag or two?
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: July 2001
GOT A SPLINTER
inspired by Janis Ian's
In The Winter
I'm gay? Well okay -
let's talk of deviance, you big buffoon
if I am homely, or even pretty as a
wooden spoon, a stick cartoon
what's that to you?
Those taunting haters -
they called me dyke and started to laugh
maybe they didn't know more hateful words
oh they must have been ashamed to be
queer as me, could it be
they were me?
I got a splinter and my finger's very sore
I can't fake it any more
I am trying to remove it yet it
somehow makes me think of you
I'm lesbian
two little hardest words to say
men don't love other men!
don't be obscene, I mean you
must be straight, it's hard to tell
I'm not that way
Why don't you just - you know
marry your best friend, no one needs to know
you'd find it easier
what will the neighbours think?
I never liked those married types who
fuss and fight, that isn't right -
they're not ashamed to fight!
Your words were splinters and they
made me really sore
They weren't easy to ignore
You can live your lies and more, but kindly
keep your wooden head away from me
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: July 2001
PORSCHE KEYS (THINGS CHANGE)
inspired by Janis Ian's
Watercolors
I remember smoking hash
down there by the railroad tracks
he turned and said,
You're not ugly, Dee
While she was counting sheep
had to get up to pee
she turned and said,
Lift up the seat
Moron, you were gorgeous as a big giraffe
collagen lips like two liver halves
stronger than mine, wider than my thighs
remember time flies ...
Go on Mr Muscles I set you free
all ageing lovers need surgery
I'll bet you're a patient of
Dr Tightfaces, go on, oh my gaaawd!
Moron! Moron! Get away from me
I said, Is that your real head?
Lips nervous and swollen red
How to close your eyes in bed
with lids that tight?
You got the gloves, and the morphine
Can you take all of this off
and maybe lengthen the knees?
Hold on, you're a woman or a man?
Make a nice dress for me if you can
Call me Princess or Mighty Michelle
But I'm my self (you're wrong, I can tell)
Go away from me -
Disasters In Surgery
I have combination skin
one-half beauty, one-half fright
Don't look at me clothes are wrinkled
skin way too tight
I am ugly in this harsh sunlight
Oh go fly a kite
Moron! Moron! Moron was dear to me
Some kinda fantasy
Lying together was so divine
Toking and joking and drinking wine
But for tonight lower the light
Wine me dine me set me free
Lend me your Porsche keys
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: July 2001
dedicated to Michael (1977)
TEA & TRANQUILLIZERS
inspired by Janis Ian's
Tea & Sympathy
I don't want my eyebags drooping to the floor
I go to bed at 5 - I'm still awake at 4
this nightly neighbour noise
driving me insane
a short trip to begin with oh
but why complain
Gosh Dee you look wrinkly
really way more than before ...
This tranquillizing dart gun
I am aiming at your floor
Overhead, I give you warning
my patience you have tried
Me and my new tranquilli-
zing darts here by my side
Never cared for guns or violence or goons
but now you live above I'm altering my tune
methinks to go quite mad
methinks that you must go
methinks you are the noisiest
I've ever known
Hear my plea for sympathy
from an ageing tired soul ...
If you don't stop that racket
there are gonna be some holes
Overhead, I give fair warning
my patience you have tried
Settle down, or tranquilli-
zing darts are gonna fly
(lip quivering sad orchestral strings)
When you have no dreams and if you get no snores
then sleep deprivation depraves you even more
and soon I think I'll shoot these little
darts in my own feet
they'll say I went loonie
but I'll finally get some sleep
Dee you still look wrinkly
but relaxed more than you did ...
This box of tranquillizing darts
they really do the trick!
Overhead, I give you warning
my patience you have tried
Lookie here, my tranquilli-
zing gun is by my side
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: July 2001
dedicated to Tina A for her site work and digital devotion
ON THE BUTTERED SIDE
aka The Bagel's Lament
as inspired by Janis Ian's
On The Other Side
They say there was a toaster and I was inside
All I am is round, round and REALLY brown
They tell me I was flaming on the buttered side
Oh but all that I remember
Is the smoke alarm and embers
On the buttered side breakfast was my thing
On the buttered side so bewildering
On the buttered side
Oy veh! You with your paper and your coffee cup
Waiting on your toast, then I began to roast
They say a bagel never really totally burns up
So who toasted me to ash?
After cutting me in half?
On the buttered side breakfast was my thing
On the buttered side so bewildering
On the buttered side
And I who used to go with eggs am
Nothing on your plate
Wanted just to be enjoyed again
Noshing no more kosher now I'm charcoal
On the buttered side breakfast was my thing
On the buttered side so bewildering
On the buttered side
Requiem
Smoked oysters kippered herring
Lox and cream cheese noshing bagels
Oy veh oy veh oy veh
Holy smoking bagels, Batman
No more breakfast, no more luncheons
Oy veh oy veh oy veh
Oy veh!
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: July 2001
dedicated to Sandy (Long Island)
SCARS
aka Scars, Guitars, & Cars (Gone Shopping)
inspired by Janis Ian's
Stars
I was never one for flinging
Mud nor apple peels
Instead of yucky zinging
I prefer rewriting schpeels
Scars, some people know
may heal fast or slow
They're taunting and haunting in
the night and through the days
Some curses are deploring
Hey, but quips are only fair
when you shave off all your hair
You could shape it in waves
but wouldn't that be boring
Edna is a Dame (and athlete's foot a shame)
The stage is all we've known from our up-bringing
Some of us are clowns, some are more profound
And some are dogged by FANny hounds
But I go to the mall
I shop & drop in mad amounts and changing stalls
My debts I am up-ringing
Some younger ponies run
around the stage and lip-sync all their songs
Later on someone will say, "You've had your hay.
Put your mane in braids."
But they'll never know the taste of liver
or these lousy cabbage rolls
Nor the many beers forgetting what
you know so well
That the ones in sparkly gowns who pull them down
to try to make new "friends" are never ending
And so I'm sending this tutu in your size
to wear as your next disguise
They all complain and balk and ask for
credit cards and pinch your little cheeks and who
ever could believe they REALLY love you?
Some idols are just cold -
Perhaps they're cold because they need
to shave their hair or need Rude Girl™ underwear
G'tars they come and go
They get stolen from shows they go like the
fastest moving things you ever played
Some thieves can be deploring
But picks are only fair
When tossed around in mad amounts and every where
small tokens from performing
Some ponies give performances to taunt and tease
they're very popular these days
Some people still are making art
I could oggle their displays all day
Some younger ponies run around the stage
in just their underpants
I guess I could wear mine
if they put me in a trance
But I think I'd feel too funny with
no clothes before you all
Like that freakin scary nightmare
where I'm naked at the mall
I guess I'll keep my dignity and
clothes on for today
Except the shoes, and that hat that blew away
Oh anyway, now I forget what I was gonna say
Oh yes, now I remember -
Please, get me off this stage!
Cars, they come and go they drive too fast
they drive too slow and they go
when the stop lights turn to green
some crawl away, and some are really smoking
Please get me to the mall
to shop & drop in mad amounts and changing stalls
Janis have you seen my car keys?
For if you help me find them in my fumbling around
I'll go for coffee with you, even to downtown!
xo
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: July 2001
dedicated to Cher, whose performance was so sadly and ungraciously maligned
HAM-I-AM
aka A Ballad of Dee-liver-ance
inspired by, Green Eggs and Ham,
by Dr Seuss
I'm a Ham! I'm a Ham! HAM-I-AM!
That Ham-I-am! That Ham-I-am!
I do not like that Ham-I-am!
Do you like green liver, Dee?
I do not like it, Ham-I-am.
I do not like green liver, Ham.
Would you like it here or there?
I would not like it here or there.
Nor in my Rude Girl™ underwear.
I do not like green liver, Ham.
I do not like it, Ham-I-am.
Would you like it in a house?
With a vermin, or a mouse?
I do not want it in the house.
I would not like it with a mouse.
Nor in my Rude Girl™ underwear.
I do not want it anywhere.
I do not like green liver, Ham.
I do not like it, Ham-I-am.
Would you eat it with some lox?
In your bunchy Rude Girl™ socks?
Not with some lox. Not wearing socks.
Not in a house. Not with a mouse.
Not in my Rude Girl™ underwear.
I would not eat it anywhere.
I will not eat green liver, Ham.
I do not like it, Ham-I-am.
Would you? Could you? In a bar?
Dancing like a disco star?
I would not, could not, in a bar.
You may like it. You may, Dee.
You might like it one-two-three!
I would not, could not, don't you see?
And I'm no star, so let me be.
I would not like it with some lox.
I'd rather have the chicken pox.
I would not like it in the house.
I would not like it with a mouse.
Not in my Rude Girl™ underwear.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like green liver, Ham.
I do not want it, Ham-I-am.
A train! A train! That's not insane!
Could you, would you, on a train?
Not on a train! Why won't you see?
Not in a bar! Ham! Let me be!
I would not, could not, with some lox.
Nor in my Rude Girl™ bunchy socks.
No sqeaky liver from a mouse.
No pickled liver from a souse.
I will not eat it here or there.
Nor in my Rude Girl™ underwear.
I do not eat green liver, Ham.
I do not like it, Ham-I-am.
Hey! A picnic in a park!
Would you, could you, in a park?
I would not, could not, in a park.
Would you, could you, in the rain?
I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in a park. Nor on a train.
Not in a bar. Why won't you see?
Vile liver is just not for Dee!
Not in a house. Nor with some lox.
Not with a mouse. Nor bunchy socks.
Not in my Rude Girl™ underwear.
I do not like it anywhere!
You do not like green liver, Dee?
I do not like it, Ham-I-am.
Could you, would you, with a goat?
I would not, could not, with a goat.
Maybe sailing in a boat?
I could not, would not, in a boat.
I could not, would not, with a goat.
I would not eat it in the rain.
I could not eat it on a train.
Not in the park! Oy! Set me free!
Not in a bar! Away from me!
I would not like it with some lox.
Nor in my Rude Girl™ bunchy socks.
I will not have it in the house.
I would not try it with a mouse
in tiny Rude Girl™ underwear.
I do not like it ANYWHERE!
I do not like green liver, Ham.
I do not like it, Ham-I-am.
You do not like it? So you say.
Try it! Try it! And you may.
Try it, try it, anyway.
Ham! If you will let me be,
I will try it, and we'll see ...
Say!
I like green liver, Ham!
I do! I like it, Ham-I-am!
And I would eat it in a boat.
And I will share it with your goat.
And I will eat it in the rain.
And in the park. And on a train.
By my guitar, you've convinced me
Green liver is too good for Dee!
Now I'll enjoy it with some lox.
And wearing all my Rude Girl™ socks.
And I will try it in the house.
And stir fried with a bit of mouse.
And in my Rude Girl™ underwear,
I'll fry it, fry it, EVERYWHERE!
I've learned to love green liver, Ham!
Why don't you try some?
Ham-I-am?
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: June 2001
dedicated to Scott R for his persistence
50 WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER
in the stylings of Paul Simon's
50 Ways To Leave Your Lover
Just whip out the snacks, Jack
Bake a Rude™ ham, Pam
Fondue in a pot, Scott
But no liver for Dee
Fruit topping's a must, Gus
No need to discuss lunch
Just chop off some cheese, please
And send it to me
xo
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: June 2001
FROMAGE & WINE
as per, Between The Lines
by Janis Ian
Don't ever leave your liver lying
next to Ham-I-am on a buffet
And if he tells you organ meats are
good for you just smile and back-away
Don't ever you believe that liver's
tastier when made into pâté
I swear you'll turn as green as liver
and those toxins will not flush away
Read books and magazines of how to
cook & clean like little Martha Beings
But foreign objects in your rear view
mirror may not be what you are seeing -
They're following your car and though not
very far they are reversed in meaning
Fromage & wine may be divine but
liver reeks like aliens (believe me)
So strike a wooden match
we'll smoke the stench out if we can
And spray the air with perfume
or cologne if you're a man
There never was an organ meat so
vile, so gross, so horrible it
makes me wretch, and kvetch a lot
It makes me nauseous just to fantasize
It was the aliens, they all were aliens
they all were members -
They tied me to their hover craft
and screamed, "You Fool! We want your liver!"
Then all those little Martha Beings
probed my mind and took out all my innards
And when I woke I somehow felt so
hungry that I sat down to their dinner
And I wish I didn't have
to have to tell you all
They left me all that liver as their
craft took off
Don't think it didn't cross my mind
or that I didn't want to go
But with a universe of organ meats they
still had miles to go
They took off flying in the end
all my Martha Being friends left me behind
They're crashed down like a dinner plate
full of liver now -
Fromage & wine?
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: June 2001
NOT EATING THIS LIVER
as per, All Roads To The River
by Janis Ian & Jon Vezner
So, I'm mad, I'm insane
I am howling delusions but I'm
not eating this liver
You can serve it disguised
as a nice Veal Parmigiana but
I'm not eating this liver
Cause your liver is fried
in rivers of grease
And I'll spit in your eye
if you serve it to me
Gonna drive on down
to the drive-in show
For some chili cheese dogs
and fries to go
Pour your curdling cream in my
steaming morning coffee
I am not eating this liver
I will gulp lemonade without
sugar (what a nightmare)
Not eating the liver
Cause your liver is fried
in rivers of grease
No more pig in the sty
Since you served it to me
I could leap a round
Maybe chew more slow
But my dear Nancia
No more liver ... no
I dream of bananas
split with ice cream
When I run or go jogging
it always hurts my knees
(plucky guitar stuff)
Cause your liver is fried
in rivers of grease
And I'll spit in your eye
if you serve it to me
Gonna drive on down
to the drive-in show
Get a messa cheese burgers
and good fries to go
xo
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: June 2001
EXERCISE
aka Exercise (Live!)
as based upon Janis Ian's mega dance hit,
Fly Too High
Intro: (guitar tuning, riffs & junk)
This super size of biggie fries will
likely get the best of us yet
I'd chug another beer if you would toss one
over here, hey, that's wet!
Oh there's nothing like a pizza with that
ooey gooey cheese, and champaign
Instead of smoking cigarettes I eat, but oy,
it's just not the same
My buns grow fat
Thighs too wide
My buns grow fat
Should I exercise?
On dark and stormy nights I feel so light
with both feet right off the floor
Cause I'm lying on my bed and watching
movies with these snacks from the store
And if you don't believe me you should
see the crumbs vibrate when I snore!
I could use a darn good vacuuming, a dusting
and a shower, I'm sure
My bum's too fat
Sides too wide
Crumbs & snacks
Thighs too wide
You make me laugh
Ex-er-cise!
Like, what was that?
Yah, but was that wise?
Would you believe that I once had a twiggy body?
No under eye bags, and in just the right light,
kinda pretty
Janis it's rough to find how lazy I've been
Laying here a-munchin' with my monitor screen
Now I feel my heart pounding like it might
explode, what to do? To do? Ex-er-cise!
My bum's too fat
Thighs too wide
Buns too fat
Ex-er-cise
Got no pants, can't
Close the flys ...
Plump ... in back ...
But I try to ...
Maybe I'll let out the inseam or the outseam
or the bottom or the top
This isn't living (Lynn Redgrave) like some weight
slave, think it's time to get out and re-stock
With a dot-com and a dot-org and a credit card
you can order till you drop
Cause there's no food that I don't do on the menu
and I just can't stop!
My bum's too fat
Thighs too wide
Crumbs & snacks
Ex-er-cise!
You make me laugh
Ex-er-cise
Like, what is that?
Dare I try to ...?
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: June 2001
dedicated to my workout partner, Nancia
with love, sweat, & breathlessness xo
PETER GOT-NO-TAIL
as based on, Peter Cottontail
Here comes Peter Got-no-tail
Hobblin down the bunny trail
Crippled and cropped cause
Easter's on its way
Runnin from the guns & dogs
Hunters trapped him in a log
Snares don't make your Easter
Bright and gay
He's got jelly beans for Janis
Coloured eggs for sister Pat
Here's a lucky rabbit foot, sis
And a furry Easter hat. Oh -
Here comes Peter Got-no-tail
Hobblin down the bunny trail
Crippled and cropped. Oy -
What an Easter Day!
Look at him wobble, listen to him say
"Try to eat the things you should
(rabbit meat don't taste so good) -
have some pretty eggs instead (oy veh)!"
You'll wake up on Easter morning
And you'll know that he's been there
When you find those choc'late droppings
That he's leaving ev'rywhere. Oh -
Here comes Pinky Curlytail
Screeching down the bunny trail
What a ham! Oh -
Happy Easter Day!
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: April 2001
with sugar coated chocolate holiday love
for, Nancy M
THE EASTER PARADE
aka 2001: A Spaced Oddy Dee
as loosely based upon, Easter Parade
by Irving Berlin
In my Easter bonnet
With Rude Girl™ logo on it
I'll be the finest creature
In the Easter Parade
I'll be all in clover
Though bees sting me all over
And birdies bomb my bonnet
In the Easter Parade
On the Avenue, Fifth Avenue
Oy, the paparazzi snap us
And you find that I-I'm
Me, Myself, and I
Oh I could write a sonnet
About my Easter bonnet
I'll be the gal I'm taking
To the Easter Parade!
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: April 2001
as months ago requested by, Fat Bob
IN 50 YEARS
as based upon Janis Ian's,
At Seventeen
I've learned some things in 50 years
Through controversy, joy, and tears
Though high school never turned me on
Who gives a damn, I wrote a song
A child of mixed society
Young demon spawn, or prodigy?
Those bigots just could not ignore
My song or what I wrote it for
And those who watched the Bernstein show or
Heard it on the radio would
Dress me in tomato sauce
But what the hell it's all their loss
They put me in LIFE magazine
And TIME and others where you've seen
The famous and the queer
In 50 years
A sad-eyed soul in tiny town
Whose gender never was pronounced
Said, "Sure as I'm a closet queen,
That singer sure knows seventeen."
All the years go by and there you are
Balladeer - to disco star, and though
While you make the best of things
Sometimes you wish you didn't sing
Remember those who win the game
Lose their minds before their names
In tax defraud and taxi cabs
When taxation is all you have
The FBI will score your files
And managers will log your miles
Then maybe you'll be here
In 50 years
(big synthesized horn solo)
To those of us who never knew
The way today's young people do
That love is love no matter who
Is loving me or loving you
It was long ago and far away
The world was simpler - oy veh
Now dreams are born of hearts and minds
So ugly ducklings too shall find
We all play the game and tease our hair
And dance in Rude Girl™ underwear
While interviewing on the phone
To keep our famous name well known
They call and say come talk to me
But edit out obscenities
Some laughter, and some tears
In 50 years
xo
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: March 2001
posted one month prior to Janis Ian's 50th
birthday (born April 7, 1951)
DIAPER CREAM
as based upon Evergreen by
Barbra Streisand & Paul Williams
Love softer than diaper cream
Love stinko as poo unseen
One nose plugging song or two
I now sing for you
Like a lump under the April snow
Oy! Be careful walking where doggies go
Love ageless and heart breaking
As obscene as poo
You and I will change each child and curse
From their ends - our beginnings
Odours rise from their pants after they nurse
They're warm and ignitus
And stink to the skies high above
Full diapers gag me undone
Smelly stinkypoo panted daughters & sons
Time they learned to change their own
Time to face the diaper zone
My love, your turn to wipe her
Diaper clean!
xo
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: February 2001
a Valentine for Beth and family
GOT NO MORE TEARS TO CRY
as per Janis Ian's
latest release title, God & the FBI
Intro: (moving furniture, breaking
glass, paper tearing, groaning, etc)
Someone's eatin jellyrolls
Feet on the stereo
Stinkin and freakin
Bugs in the head you'd
Think a week's vacation
Might end this frustration
I'm depressed and
Sick of all these lawyers
I'll be in the bedroom
Underneath the covers
Are you hiding evidence
Of financial recompense
Hey Cupid take back my heart
Don't want it any more
It's a takedown shakedown
Beating for a breakdown
Kick it clear across the floor
Now this stupid marriage course
Is ending in divorce
Ain't no saline in my eyes I
Got no more tears to cry
Love is stinko
Bed's always wrinkled
All this arbitration
What an aggravation
Oh yah? Well I think you're a big pig too
You and anybody else who thinks like you
Romance is really pretty
Divorce is really sh*tty
Hey Cupid take back my heart
Don't want it any more
It's a takedown shakedown
Beating for a breakdown
Kick it clear across the floor
Now this stupid marriage course
Is ending in divorce
Like some desert in my eyes ain't
Got no more tears to cry
You're flat, you're fat
You're a dirty friggin rat
You treat me like some door mat
You're a Seuss Cat in the Hat
Every accusation is a sewer of sensation
Take these, take those
You can have these ugly clothes
Would you please not pick your nose
Why I love you heaven knows
Looking back it's plain to see
Romance is insanity
Hey Cupid take back my heart
Don't want it any more
It's a takedown shakedown
Beating for a breakdown
Kick it clear across the floor
Now this stupid marriage course
Is ending in divorce
Ain't no ocean in my eyes I
Got no more tears to cry
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: January 2001
an anti-restablishment folk blues rewrite
MIRACLE ROWING NANCIA
as per Miracle Row / Maria
by Janis Ian
* hic *
Five mouthy children and no phone of your own
While you miracle row like a Viking in snow
Like Oprah in the afternoon
And the old ladies wear sauna towels and
they twist 'em up for drying their hair
They look something like iguanas in
their old underwear
And yes they're freaking me out my dear!
* hic *
Oh Nancia
Yer eyes are like a seaman's underarms
And lips like Elvis give me
palpitations every time you smile
You look so lovely when you knit and I
am drinking turpentine
I'll be heaving on the corner by the light
with my paper bag tonight
* hic *
Your lips are like a tangled garden hose
And every bloom your garden grows
just makes me wanna blow my nose
And other FANnies brush their teeth
and little reindeer take relief
And sometimes we're all cyber geeks
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: December 31, 2000
for Nancy xo Dee the Mad Viking
FOUR NIGHTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS
based barely at all upon
Twas the Night Before Christmas
Four nights before Christmas
and all through the house,
Li'l creatures were stirring,
the vermin, the mouse.
Our stockings were chewed until
nearly thread bare,
Hope Santa remembers our
Rude™ underwear!
The children complained there were
bugs in their beds,
But at least they'd forgotten those
plums in their heads!
And Hubby in 'kerchief,
and I in dunce cap,
Had just settled down for
a long winter's nap.
When someone above started
making a clatter,
So I called the cops, who sighed,
"Now what's the matter?"
"I'm sick of my neighbours
behaving like trash.
They're noisy and filthy and
reek of cheap hash!"
The moon on my mink really
gave off a glow
As I waited outside for the
cops in the snow.
When, what to my squinty old
eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh,
and some tiny reindeer.
Was I stoned again? Were my
eyes playing tricks?
I must have been dreaming -
it looked like St Nick.
More noisy than beagles his
coursers they ran,
Him barking and panting,
that dirty old man:
"Now, FLASHER! now, DANCER!
now, PRANCER you twits! And
On, GROMMET! on, CLUELESS! on,
STONER and QUICKSAND!
Hey, look out for the porch!
Ah, look out for the wall!
Now dash away, NOT THAT WAY,
the OTHER way, all!"
As CDs unwanted like
frisbees will fly,
They twisted and turned and rose
up to the sky,
Then up to the house-top
the maniacs flew,
With Unreleased CDs and
Underwear too.
And then, in a twinkling,
on top of the roof
The prancers were tinkling,
"Relieeef! Watch my hoofs!"
I was frantically searching for
some place to hide,
And frantically praying the
cops would arrive!
St Nick was in fur, too,
from head down to foot,
But his was all tarnished
with ashes and soot.
A sack labelled Rude Girl™
he flung on his back,
With workshirts and T-shirts
and boxers and caps.
His eyes - how they twinkled!
Those dimples - how Mary!
His cheeks were rose powdered
but really quite hairy.
His little doll mouth was
drawn up like a bow,
But his beard interfered with
his half baked drag show.
A tiny hash pipe he held
firm in his teeth,
With much smoke encircling
his head like a wreath.
He had a nice face, but,
his unbridled belly
It shook when he laughed,
and his breath was quite smelly.
He was chubby and swore like
a trooper, that elf,
But I still rather liked him,
in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and
a spin of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had
plenty to dread!
He spoke so absurdly while
doing his work,
That it soon became clear that
this guy was a jerk.
And planting his finger
inside of his nose,
He snorted some white stuff
then sneezed on our clothes!
He sprang to his sleigh,
where he barked out his orders,
"Off to the casino! Hey,
who's got the quarters?"
Then I heard him exclaim,
as the cops were arriving,
"GOOD HOLIDAYS ALL," and,
"STAY SOBER WHEN DRIVING!"
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: December 2000
I SAW MOMMY KISSING JANIS CLOTHES
as loosely based upon
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
by Tommie P Connor
I saw Mommy kissing Janis clothes
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn't see me freak
Or my tiny knees go weak
She cuddled with a T-shirt
And caressed some boxer briefs
Then ...
I saw Mommy put on Janis clothes
As my little pink cheeks all turned white
Oh, what a crazy Christmas dream
(Like those sugar plums that I seen)
Mommy kissing Janis clothes last night!
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: December 2000
JANIS UNDERPANTS
aka The Rude Girl Dining Wear Ditty
as based upon Winter Wonderland
by F Bernard & D Smith
Snowbirds sing are you listenin'
We're insane and we're whistlin'
That fbi song (won't you sing along)
Rockin' in our Janis underpants
Gone away is the summer
Here to stay - winter - bummer
But we sing her songs and shovel along
Rockin' in our Janis underpants
In the frozen tundra of the northland
We'll pretend that Janis likes our sound
She'll say, "Are you merry?" we'll say, "Oh yah!
And feeling pretty gay when you're in town."
Later on ...
we'll cross-border shop and send in our orders
For discs and key chains inscribed with her name -
Don't forget your Janis underpants
Just face unafraid the spamming and flames
Rockin' in your Janis underpants!
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: December 2000
AIM GELS WE HAVE TURNED ON HIGH
(Angels We Have Heard on High)
Aim gels we have turned on high
Sweeping swinging o'er the stage
And the audience replies
With their lighters all engaged
Glo-o-o-o-o o-o-o-o-o o-o-o-o-o-oria
In her Elvis stage robes
Glo-o-o-o-o o-o-o-o-o o-o-o-o-o-oria
In her Elvis stage robes
It's not what they sang that matters, it's what you heard -
xo
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: December 2000
OCT 17
based on At Seventeen
by Janis Ian
Dearest kind & lovely multiply-gifted Janis Ian,
I love October 17
It rhymes with something else I've seen
It's not those articles you write
Although they too are some delight
No limericks to post today
Nor mushy Valentines (oy veh)
And I don't have the nerve to call
Long distance drives me up the wall
Remember when I went insane
And wrote that thing about your name
And someone said they used to do
The same thing in their days of youth
My small town mind might be unglued
But no surprise is this to you
A FANny note from Dee
Oct 17
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: October 2000
BOOTS LIKE NANCY LOU'S
to the tune of Boots Like Emmy Lou's
by Janis Ian
If I had boots like Nancy Lou's
My gui-tar strings would shine
From playing RCMP shows
& for the FBI
I'd buy a fancy tricycle
And ride it like the wind
From Ottawa to Illinois
Then ride it home again
If I had boots like Nancy Lou's
I'd wear my hair like that Rude Girl loves to do
I'd sing like turpentine
& alley cats combined
If I had boots like Nancy Lou's
My songs might even rhyme!
xo
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: September 2000
THE BALLAD OF SHARON AND THE EXPLODING WATERMELON
to the tune of God & The FBI
by Janis Ian
Mama's kitty sitting in
Midsummer heat when
Even the flies are down by the seaside
Temps are really swellin' (cookin' watermelon)
Tina, Nancy
Helping with the fancy
Janis Ian concert, no one knows a monster
On the kitchen counter lurks
Till she tries to move the works!
Drag out the sponges & pails
The paper towels too
Bring the wipers, diapers
All the little swipers
Mops & rags & rubber boots
THIS my daughter won't believe
(shoulda named her Melon-ie)
Ain't no place for a Mom to hide
When melon begins to fly!
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: September 2000
THE LOST COME BACK
as based on The Last Comeback
by Janis Ian
Roll out the straight jacket strap me in
Here I am lookin' in the fridge again
More CDs, old cassettes
Hellen's old iron on the side
Cooling on the side
These are the socks that Hubby wanted
This is his - oy! - his fav'rite shirt
Even the lost remote control too
The lights are down, I need a snack
Hey Hellen please take your iron back
Look what I've found (just want a snack)
A strijkijzer! where the lost come back
:-}
I can see the mustard on the walls!
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: August 2000
JANIS WE'RE ON YOUR SIDE
as based upon God & the FBI
by Janis Ian
Ummm ...
Here in Canuck land, it's the RCMP, even if Disney
owns the image rights to our beloved Mounties!
Everybody sing this - I dare you :-}
Nancy's makin videos
Dee's on the stereo
Singin bout Janis
Bud's in the bedroom
Having palpitations
From JJ's revelations
Par-a-noi-a
Better buy a loy-ah
We know you're a big FAN
Saw you on the Board and
All of this coincidence
Doesn't make a lick o' sense
Don't call the RCMP
I'll have to disappear
I'll be weak & freakin sneakin out to sea just
A-rowin in my Viking gear
They can fingerprint my feet
But they don't smell too sweet
Ain't no place for a FAN to hide
Hey Janis - we're on your side!
Lots of secret mushy luvvy huggy junk -
Dee the Mad Viking
xo
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: August 2000
BOARDY LIFE
to the tune of Party Lights
by Janis Ian
Boardy life
Is there anybody here tonight
Isn't anybody gonna write
I invite creative types
Boardy games
Somebody better post something soon or I'll go insane
Blathering in back of the Board oh we have no shame
We're all to blame and it's a helluva game ...
People tell me there's no end to this
That one mouse click turns into two
Ev'rybody now it's posting time
But I can't find my CPU
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: July 2000
the interesting part of this one was how there actually was blathering going on far down the Board! Remember, Nancy? Hella? Allan? Bob?
WE LOVE JANIS IAN
What a state to be in
I love Janis Ian
But she has a wife
A partner for life
And I have a husband (who cares)
What a mess of postings
Compliments and roastings
Here's some advice
Let's all be nice
Or at least try to be fair
Aussies with their humour
Canucks and baby boomers
Kimbe and Pat
Tip of the hat
To the Brits and Chet in Hong Kong
What a state to be in
We love Janis Ian
Except for the few
Who spit up their spew
And think it'll get them somewhere
Janis I am grateful
Please ingore the hateful
Messages here
We love ya dear
Chin up and eyes on the prize
original Janis Ian Message Board posting: June 2000
yes, this was the one folks, the big posting career launcher, my first greatest hit in the realm of Janis cyberfandom
Collection originally launched February 14, 2001
Happy Valentine's Day Janis xo
