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Title: Dawn's Dumb Wish Author: Keswindhover Rating: PG-13 Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, but I haven’t hurt any one (well, I made Spike bang his shins on a bucket, but that’s it). Pairings: Willow/Tara, Giles/Anya Spoilers: Everything up to the end of season 6. Distribution: Ask me first - but I’m going to say yes. Feedback: Yes, please: keswindhover@yahoo.co.uk . Props: Regina Welch, who very kindly beta’d this story and helped make it way, way better by pointing out the missing jokes, drawing my attention sternly to roving POVs, and laying down the law on active/passive verbs. Dumbsaint whose “Once More, All Naked, All Gay” is a) brilliant and b) got me thinking about nakedness and gayness. Drbutterfrogg, whose ridiculously addictive “Wacky Adventures of the Buffybot” were quite clearly on my mind. All the authors of the enormous amounts of Buffy fanfic - good and bad - that I have been consuming recently, in a sick compulsive fashion. *************************************** And absolutely nothing happened. Anya’s eyes bulged, as she tried to make sense of it all. She stared at the hand in front of her, which was staying resolutely un-veiny. She felt her forehead, and her chest, and then her eyes unfocused as she looked inward. Spike unfroze from the defensive crouch he had taken as Anya spoke and patted his head experimentally - no, no crown. “Is that it then?” he said cockily. He paused, “Wait, maybe this is hell, being transported into the Magic Box with you lot.” “Well really, Buffy” said Dawn smugly, “How many times have you said to me - Dawn, you’ve said, whatever you do, do not start a sentence with “I wish” anywhere within a mile of Anya. And I’m like, ok, whatever, and you’re like, this is totally serious Dawn, you must remember...” “Oh shut up, Dawn.” said Buffy, staring moodily at her boots. Anya had completed her inner examination. “Oh my God,” she cried, “I’m human again! Well, that’s just great!” She ground her teeth viciously together and glared around the room. “I think we just found out what else the spell has done,” said Xander brightly. “And just when did I wish for a mortal soul? said Anya furiously. “I don’t want a mortal soul!” “Tell me about it!” said Spike. Anya paused and turned threateningly to Dawn. “Unless you...” “I didn’t even mention you!” Dawn shouted. Anya paced up and down. “Do you realise I’ve now acquired a mortal soul twice by accident? This should have been my decision - you know, an epiphany or something! Buffy’s had epiphanies coming out of her ears - and what do I get? Naked people teleporting in to my shop, two broken doors.... and a mortal soul as a side effect of two frankly ridiculous wishes from a dumb fifteen year old girl and a emotionally retarded witch.” “I am not dumb,” screamed Dawn. “Dumb, dumb, dumb,” said Anya viciously. Dawn started to cry. Giles suddenly smote his forehead dramatically, and reached up to whip off his glasses. He stared at his empty hand in momentary puzzlement - ah yes glasses, England.... “I think Mrs. Madison was more ambitious than we realised, I think she was planning an ascension of some kind...” Giles stood in front of Tara, and looked her up and down. His eyes were gleaming like an entomologist who had just found a new, particularly fascinating type of beetle. Tara shifted self consciously and looked at her bare feet. Willow’s hand touched hers, and she gripped it tight for reassurance. “I rather fancy Tara is now a divine being.” Anya’s nostrils swelled with rage. “A divine being?” she shouted, “A divine being? Now Tara is a divine being and I’m a mortal? Well that’s just typical isn’t it!” “Tara has always been divine,” said Willow slyly. Tara looked across at her and a smile tugged at her lips. Worth it, she thought... probably, she added. Anya marched agitatedly up and down the room. “There’s a bunch of gods up there somewhere,” she said savagely, “who are toying with me - human, demon, human, demon, human! Hey, watch Anyanka twist in the wind, let’s see her deal with this little development - ha ha. They’re probably wetting themselves laughing right now. Bastards!” She came to a standstill, breathing heavily, and Giles turned reluctantly away from his examination of Tara and patted her tentatively on the back. “Um, I know this must have been a shock for you Anya,” he said a little absently, “but still, glass half full, glass half empty, that sort of thing...” He turned back to smile at Tara. “I think we need to get you to Devon, and just see if you’re mortal or not,” he said musingly. “Now,” he drummed his fingers on the table, “just what are we going to do about passports, I wonder?”*************************************** Dawn stood pouting, still feeling a little bit sniffly, and looked around her - no one was paying her any attention, as usual. Xander had gone to bring his car round. Buffy and Spike were huddled at one end of the room, arguing. Giles, with Anya hovering jealously over his shoulder, was in the middle of a rather agitated phone call. Willow was flicking eagerly through a reference book, no doubt for some hints on how to test for divinity. Tara wasn’t in sight. She looked at the pendant still lying on the table and with a shifty glance around her, she scooped it up and started to slip it into her pocket. A hand gripped her arm firmly, and she looked up into Tara’s cool blue eyes. “I don’t think that’s yours, dummy.” said Tara. She took the pendant and moved away. 'Well,' thought Dawn indignantly, 'why did I bother?' She turned... A semi-nude woman was standing in front of her. She wore a Sunnydale High cheerleader’s sweater and a homecoming queen’s crown, around which little bolts of lightning zipped and snakes writhed. Catherine Madison looked at Dawn out of black, black eyes. “Now, just where the hell am I?” she said, “And who the hell are you?” Dawn screamed a piercing reedy scream. “Buffy!” she screeched, “help!!!” The End. 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