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I'D LIKE TO BEGIN MY STORY WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITOL AFTER I HAD MICHAEL. I WAS ON A LOT OF MEDICATION AND REALLY WASN'T IN A GOOD FRAME OF MIND. THE HARDEST THING WAS WHEN THE NURSE CAME IN AND ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED TO NAME THE BABY AND WHAT KIND OF SERVICES I WOULD LIKE TO ARRANGE. THIS WAS SOMETHING I WASN'T PREPARED FOR. IT REALLY HADN'T EVEN HIT ME YET THAT I HAD LOST MY SON. I WAS ONLY 22, I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH YET; BUT I HAD TO. DWAYNE HAD TO LEAVE THE HOSPITAL TO GO PICK UP MY MOM AT THE AIRPORT. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THE NURSE. WE HAD HAD MICHAELS NAME PICKED OUT FOR HIM FOR A LONG TIME....MICHAEL DWAYNE AFTER HIS DADDY, IF HE WAS A BOY OR COURTNEY CHEYENNE IF HE HAD BEEN A GIRL. MY FIRST REACTION WAS WHAT IF DWAYNE DOESN'T WANT TO NAME HIM THAT, SINCE HE ISN'T ALIVE. WHAT IF HE WANT'S A SON NAMED AFTER HIM THAT'S HERE ON EARTH WITH US. I TOLD THE NURSE I DIDN'T KNOW AND SHE SAID I COULD WAIT UNTIL DWAYNE GOT BACK TO NAME HIM. DWAYNE NEVER HAD A SECOND QUESTION AS TO WHAT WE WOULD NAME THE BABY. HE SAID HE WOULD BE GIVEN THE NAME WE HAD ALREADY CHOSEN FOR HIM, THAT HE JUST WOULDN'T FEEL RIGHT NAMING HIM SOMETHING ELSE. DWAYNE ALREADY KNEW WHAT FUNERAL HOME HE WANTED TO USE. HE BASCALLY HAD THE SERVICES PLANNED OUT IN HIS HEAD. OF COURSE HE ASKED ME WHAT I THOUGHT; BUT THAT WAS FINE WITH ME, BECAUSE I WAS NEW TO THE AREA AND DIDN'T HAVE A PREFERENCE ON PREACHERS OR FUNERAL HOMES OR ANYTHING FOR THAT FACT. I REALLY THOUGHT WE WOULD JUST HAVE A QUIET SERVICE FOR IMMEDIATE FAMILY ONLY. DWAYNE WANTED MICHAEL TO HAVE IT ALL. I AM GLAD I AGREED. WE HAD A FULL FUNERAL WITH MY DAD, HIS DAD, JERRY, A CLOSE FRIEND OF THE FAMILY AND HIS NEWPHEW TODD BEING THE PALLBEARERS. I THINK THE FUNERAL HELPED IN LETTING PEOPLE KNOW...LOOK, I HAD THIS BABY. IT WASN'T SOMETHING THAT JUST WENT AWAY. HE WAS A PERSON. I WENT HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL THE DAY AFTER MICHAEL WAS BORN. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY; BUT I WOULD HAVE TAKEN HIM HOME WITH ME IF THEY HAD LET ME. I JUST WANTED TO HOLD HIM AND LOVE HIM . THERE WERE MANY THINGS WE WEREN'T PREPARED FOR AND I WISH WE'D HAD DONE DIFFERENTLY. I WISH WE'D TAKEN PICTURES AT THE HOSPITAL. ALSO,IF I HAD KNOWN HE TRUELY WASN'T GOING TO MAKE IT, I WOULD HAVE JUST HELD HIM IN MY ARMS UNTIL HE PAST AWAY. I WISH HE COULD HAVE FELT MOMMY'S AND DADDY'S TOUCH WHILE HE WAS ALIVE. MY MOM HAD FLOWN IN FROM TEXAS AND MY DAD HAD DRIVEN DOWN FROM OHIO LATE THAT THURSDAY NIGHT. MY UNCLE JACK FROM TEXAS ARRANGED FOR HIM AND MY SISTER TO COME TO KENTUCKY. MICHAEL AND I SHARE THE SAME BIRTHDAY AND IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYONE WOULD SAY..."I AM SO SORRY;BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY." LIKE I CARED AT ALL ABOUT HAVING A BIRTHDAY AFTER MY SON HAD JUST DIED. I KNOW THEY MEANT WELL; BUT I JUST WANTED TO SCREAM AND YELL. WE HAD A HARD TIME FINDING MICHAEL SOMETHING FOR HIS FUNERAL. NOTHING WAS SMALL ENOUGH, SO WE SETTLED ON A GOWN. I LATER FOUND A WEBSITE THAT MAKES SMALL CLOTHES FOR PREMATURE BABY'S AND IF YOU HAD A PERMATURE BABY THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT, THEY WILL DONATE CLOTHES TO THE BABY FOR IT'S BURIAL. I WISH I HAD KNOWN ABOUT IT BEFORE. ANYHOW, I HAD BEEN MAKING A QUILT FOR MICHAEL. I CAME UP WITH HE IDEA OF IT BEING THE LINING OF HIS CASKET. THE FUNERAL HOME WAS VERY HELFULL IN DOING SO. DWAYNE PICKED OUT SOME TOYS FOR MICHAEL AND I ADDED A PICTURE OF US IN HIS CASKET. I WANTED TO MAKE SURE HE KNEW HOW MUCH WE LOVED HIM AND WANTED TO BE WITH HIM. . DWAYNE'S FAMILY HAS THIER OWN FAMILY CEMETARY, SO MICHAEL IS SURROUNDED BY FAMILY. THE CEMETARY IS VERY PEACEFUL, HIGH UP ON A HILL. IT'S BEAUTIFUL UP THERE. THE CEMETARY IS ABOUT A MILE FROM OUR HOUSE, SO I CAN GO ANYTIME I WANT TO. LOSING MICHAEL WAS VERY HARD ON EVERYONE. MY MOM STAYED AT OUR HOUSE AND THE ONLY SPARE ROOM WE HAD WAS GOING TO BE MICHAELS. I HAD ALREADY STARTED GETTING THE ROOM READY FOR HIM, SO A LOT OF HIS STUFF WAS SET OUT. I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT HOW DIFFICULT IT WOULD BE FOR MY MOM TO SLEEP IN THAT ROOM. SHE TOOK SHEETS AND DRAPED THEM OVER ALL HIS THINGS, SO SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO LOOK AT HIS STUFF. SHE DIDN'T WANT TO PUT THINGS AWAY FOR ME, BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT I NEEDED TO DO THAT MYSELF. THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, I DID PRETTY GOOD. I EVEN THOUGHT "GOSH I AM DEALING WITH THIS REALLY WELL" WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE WAS THAT I WAS STILL TAKING MEDICATION EVERYDAY. GOING BACK TO WORK WAS VERY TOUGH. THE WHOLE TIME I WAS OFF, NO ONE FROM WORK CALLED TO CHECK ON ME OR EVEN SEE IF I WAS COMING BACK TO WORK. THIS HURT MY FEELINGS. IT WAS LIKE THEY DIDN'T CARE. WHEN I DID GO BACK, EVERYONE ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. IT WAS LIKE I HAD A LONG VACATION OR SOMETHING. I KNOW THEY PROBABLY THOUGHT I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT; BUT I DID. I WANTED TO TALK TO ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN. ONE PERSON WHO EVEN HAD LOST A BABY SAID" OH IT HAPPPENDS A LOT YOUR FIRST TIME." I JUST WANTED TO BREAK DOWN AND CRY. I DID OKAY UNTIL ABOUT FEBRUARY. MICHAEL WAS DUE IN FEBRUARY. BY THIS TIME I HAD QUIT TAKING ALL THE MEDICATIONS, SO I WAS BACK TO MY NORMAL SELF. IT GOT HARDER AND HARDER TO MAKE MYSELF GET UP EACH DAY. I JUST WANTED SIT AND CRY ALL DAY LONG. OF COURSE NO ONE SAW THIS SIDE, EXECPT DWAYNE . WHEN PEOPLE WERE AROUND, I MANAGED TO BE HAPPY AND CHEERFUL, WHEN I WAS DYING INSIDE. IT NEVER FAILS, JUST WHEN I LOST MICHAEL, IT SEEMED LIKE EVERY COUSIN I EVER HAD WAS PREGNANT AND EVERYONE ELSE I KNEW TOO. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY FOR THEM,WHEN I JUST LOST MY BABY. EVERYWHERE I WENT I SAW PREGNANT WOMEN AND BABY'S.. IT WAS ALMOST LIKE THEY WERE HAUNTING ME. I MADE A POINT TO GO ALL THE WAY AROUND THE BABY ISLE IN THE STORES. I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO SEE ANYTHING THAT HAD TO DO WITH A BABY OR BEING PREGNANT. FOR SOME OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS, THIS WAS HARD TO UNDERSTAND. BUT HOW COULD THEY, THEY HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED IT THEMSELVES. |
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