"Michael Robertson, Director of New Accounts"
As soon as I have the money to waste, I intend to order a bar of caffeinated soap
Perhaps I could purchase some using the credit card I am inadvertantly pre-approved for. I received a really strange letter this morning explaining this new oppertunity in great detail, despite the fact that it was addressed to someone named "John." The letter was originally addressed to someone down the street, I believe, but for some reason or another that was crossed out and mine was filled in. So as I'm reading this offer for a credit card (All the while being called "John"), I finally discover one reason why this may have come into my possession:
Apparantly, since the director of credit and I share the same name, those in charge of mail distribution decided to send it to me instead. Was it a mistake? Was it some twisted mailroom gag? Or maybe...just maybe...there's something cosmic and...no, someone probably just can't tell the difference between the "TO" and "FROM" labels on the envelope.
I would like to commend Boxcar Josh on his vast knowledge of the Panda world. For those of you still not in the know, the average Giant Panda is 4-5 Feet tall. Personally, I would hardly classify them as "giant." True Giant Pandas should be at least 75 feet tall, or at least have x-ray vision.
Speaking of X-ray vision, it is with a heavy heart that I announce the passing of ESP Monkey.
ESP Monkey was a jovial fellow of the marsupial persuasion who managed to develop his latent psychic powers. Sadly, he wasn't very good at Physics. If only he'd known that - by letting go of his tree when he sensed the hunter was firing his cannon - he was falling into the poacher's true line of fire as indicated by the equation x [i] + y [j] = ( vo * cos ø [i] + vo * sin ø [j] ) * t + 1/2 * ( 0 [i] - g [j] ) * t^2.
How tall is an average Giant Panda?
a. 5 inches
b. 2-3 feet
c. 4-5 feet
d. 10 feet
I'd like one of you fine people to tell me the answer to this question. I bet none of you have any idea. I, of course, know exactly what kind of estimate to expect when I go visit my local Giant Panda, but I'm not going to tell you.
TOP 10 Second-String Muppet Characters
10. Rizzo
09. Animal
08. Crazy Harry
07. Sam the American Eagle
06. Sweetums
05. Swedish Chef
04. Dr. Bunson Honeydew
03. Beaker
02. Mr. Waldorf
01. Mr. Statler
For your convenience, all TOP 10 lists will be gathered together in a page I like to call Top 11 10 simply because I didn't want to call it Top 10. You new people can scan through them and become sufficiently enraged without having to search hard for something to get mad about.
THIS! This movie! This entire movie/website promotional deal has turned into the single most frightening thing I've ever experienced. I'll start from the beginning to give you some background information.
A few days after Alan and I moved in, we were watching TV. I forgot what we were watching, but after a while some commercials came on and started playing. After a few of the usual stuff, a particularly strange advertisement came on and lasted for only a minute or so. There were a lot of dark images and things, and I just brushed it off as odd. But when it was over, Alan turned to me and we had a conversation similar to the following:
Alan: That was strange.
Mike: Seriously.
Alan: "Before you die, you see the ring."
Mike: Huh?
Alan: "Before you die, you see the ring." That's what the commercial said.
Mike: When?
Alan: At the end. Didn't you hear it?
Mike: No. Was the volume turned down?
Alan: No, it was perfectly audible.
Mike: I didn't hear any audio. The whole thing was silent.
Alan: Yes there was. People were talking throughout the whole thing.
Mike: I heard absolutely nothing...
Bear in mind that - while I don't have the best hearing in the world - I can still hear the TV. I heard audio for every commercial before and after this one. But when this one came on, I didn't hear a single thing. We were both equally distant from the set, so it wasn't like he was just closer to it than me. We argued for weeks about who was crazy - him for hearing things or me for not hearing them. The commercial came on one more time, but I had my headphones on. Different scenario, but again he heard the audio and I heard nothing.
Just a little while ago, it came on again. Alan ran to the TV and turned the volume up so I could hear it. I heard the audio, but it turned out to be a different commercial. This time, the video was a little more normal and it ended with the revelation that it was an ad for a movie coming out 18 October entitled The Ring. We went to the website, only to find one of the most disturbing places on the entire Internet. Stop reading this paragraph and follow the link above. NOW.
I know this is all just a promotional gimmick, and - given what Hollywood's put out for us in the past couple of years - the movie probably won't live up to our expectations. But this entire thing has just been too creepy for me to ignore. I will have to go camp out in front of the theatre to see what this is about...assuming I don't die in my sleep tonight.
I would like everyone to stop what they're doing now and head over to the following address:
Liberty's Kids - it's quite possibly the funniest show ever conceived. They didn't intend it to be, of course, but it is - which makes it that much better. I don't know when it plays for everyone, so I can't give you a timeslot to look for, but definitely keep an eye on PBS in the afternoons for this gem.