Hell, MI – It has been a couple of thousand years since we last heard from Him so Jesus decided to grant dougzone a personal interview. He spoke from the front porch of a rented house on the back street of Hell, Michigan.
dougzone: Why are you here in this small American town, Man?
Christ: I’d love to say it is for Christ’s sake but the real joke is that I told Dad that I was going straight to Hell and wasn’t going to pass Go nor collect $200.00! That one always cracks me up.”
dougzone: Well, it is Easter, (Christ interrupted with “No shit, Sherlock!”) and you mentioned jokes. Do you have a favourite from the Easter collection?”
Christ: First of all, let Me set the record straight. The one about Me seeing My house from atop the cross is the gods’ truth! I had a brownstone over on Shylock Drive and I definitely saw it that day.
Other than that alleged joke, I am particularly fond of the one invented by Canadians that has Me cursing beavers and My other all-time fav is the one when I see My shadow upon exiting the cave.”
dougzone: It was rumoured, right here at dougzone, that you were planning a comeback this past January. What happened to that?
Christ: Oh, bloody hell! For My sake, I wish you would let that go. It just happened to be a continuation of bad relations between My roadies and Me. I would say the Beatles would have a better chance of reuniting than Me making a comeback, any time soon.”
dougzone: What is your favourite colour?
Christ: Christ, that is a dumb question. I’m the Son of God, Him damn it! Well, I’m kind of partial to blue, come to think of it. No one has ever asked Me that question.”
dougzone: Have you got a funny story about being in Heaven?
Christ: Actually the funniest thing happened just the other day. I had given St. Peter the day off because he hadn’t had a day away from the gates in ages. I noticed an old man walking by and peering in a few times. Eventually, I asked if I could help and he said, “Oh, I’m just a lowly carpenter and I don’t want to bother anyone.”
I insisted he tell Me what it was he was looking for.
He said, “I haven’t seen my son in years and wondered if he might be in there?”
Well, I got all excited and said, “Father?”
And he responded, “Pinocchio?”
