TITLE changes
AUTHOR ophelia
EMAIL ophelia_rd@yahoo.com
DISTRIBUTION do not take without permission
RATING m
PART 6/?
FEEDBACK yes please!!!
PREVIOUS PARTS http://au.oocities.com/dra_gon_fly_er
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Hey, I'm in a serious writing mood - yeah, well, who would have thought ;) anyway, here are two new part of "Changes" not really big progress, but I hope there's gonna be more really, really soon
Changes
"I don't know where to start..." A ghost of the old Angel was looking back at Lindsey; shoulders hunched forwards, eyes broody and sad. "When Buffy died..." Angel set to explain, but his voice faltered mid-sentence.
Unsure what to do, Lindsey just sat and watched the pained, blood-tinted tears leaving rosy trails down the vampire's cheeks. He drew in some air all the while trying to disregard the other man's a-typical display of emotions.
Harsh words Lindsey could deal with, but tears and raw unmasked emotions made him seriously uncomfortable - to put it mildly - especially if either came from a creature as stoic and unbreakable as Angel. Ever since he'd met the dark-haired vampire, Angel had been the epitome of an eremite; indifferent to the world except for his pet humans maybe and those the PTB thought worth rescuing.
As far as Lindsey could say Angel had always held the people around him at arm length and still they had refused to go away - friend's til the end - and somehow Lindsey had envied him for them. How often had he wished for just one person willing to stick it out with him - one person to believe in him - one person worth turning his back on the firm for - one person willing to love him for himself...
"You aren't listening to a word of what I said."
The matter of fact statement, plus a gentle nudge to his shin roused him from his inner conversation. Lindsey gave a start, blue eyes staring blankly. It took him a moment or two to recognize his surroundings and realize that they were still seated in Angel's bedroom; him in a massive armchair and Angel, for lack of spare furniture, had opted for the huge queen-size bed.
+As far away from me as possibly can.+ Lindsey though saddened, ready to once again loose himself in the spider webs of pictures and voices flooding his brain.
"You probably think it's just another trick..."
Only half listening Lindsey watched Angel watch him from under thick lashes.
Just another trick - the story of my life, a tiny voice whispered, not tuning in enough to get the whole picture but randomly picking up fragments of what the other man said. Just leave it to him, to turn a good thing bad, his thoughts drifted back to a much younger Lindsey, eyes dancing with life and joy when being presented his law school diploma. Oh yes, what good intentions and high ethics he'd had back then...
Lost in memories, the brunet almost jumped out of his armchair and skin when Angel sat down by his feet, leaning his head against his bent legs. He hadn't even realized him rising from the bed, let alone making his way across the damned bedroom.
"Life..., redemption..., nothing made sense anymore..."
Lindsey felt wetness soaking his pants - Angel was crying!
"I wanted to die. Without Buffy there was nothing left for me to keep going. My purpose in life, my very existence it was all some big screwed up joke. It was Buffy I wanted to be good for, Buffy I wanted to shanshu for, Buffy I wanted to... How could the Powers that Be take away the one good thing in my life...?"
Lindsey couldn't say when or how his hand had found its way to the vampire's sleep tussled hair. He only realized he was twirling and finger combing the silky locks, when his restless gaze brushed the beautiful creature sobbing into his sweats.
"Everything I've ever done, its all been for her. All the good deeds, all the fighting for redemption it all came with a price tag..."
His hand involuntarily held closer to the unhappy vampire, as Lindsey tried to comprehend the profound meaning behind the soft words. It all made sense now, the whole guilt trip, Angel's desperate battle with his inner demon, the omnipresent gloom surrounding the vampire like a black cloud...
In one way or another Lindsey had always related those trades to the burden of Angel's pre-souled deeds, memories the soul just couldn't live with.
For the first time he thanked a God, he hadn't talked to since he was a little boy, the strange something that had always held him back from digging into Angel's more recent past. For the same strange something that had always delayed and interfered with his investigations on the vampire's time in Sunnydale.
Lindsey was so glad the firm had never found about Buffy and Angel. He shuddered by the mere thought of what Wolfram & Hard could have done, learning about the source of Angel's drive for redemption.
How easily they could have taken her away from him, or worse...