Over the past year and a half, I have recieved some great Top Ten lists. And while not all of them are worthy of David Letterman, I thought we all could use a good laugh ... and I know there is a top 20 list. It was too funny to pass up.

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You Drink Too Much Coffee if you ...

20. ...answer the door before people knock
19. ...can ski uphill
18. ...speed walk in your sleep
17. ...haven't blinked since last lunar eclipse
16. ...just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit
15. ...grind your coffee beans in your mouth
14. ...sleep with your eyes open
13. ...have to watch videos in fast forward to prevent boredom
12. ...can take a photo of yourself from 10' away without using the timer
11. ...lick the coffee pot clean
10. ...can keep your eyes open when you sneeze
09. ...chew on other peoples finger nails
08. ...go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
07. ...are offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer
06. ...don't even wait for the water to boil anymore
05. ...don't tan you roast
04. ...don't get mad you steam
03. ...can't even remember your second cup
02. ...help your dog chase it's tail
01. ...soak your dentures in coffee overnight

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The Top 20 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say ever, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...

20. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
19. Duct tape won't fix that.
18. We don't keep firearms in this house.
17. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
16. You can't feed that to the dog.
15. I thought Graceland was tacky.
14. Wrasslin's fake.
13. We're vegetarians.
12. Do you think my hair is too big?
11. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
10. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
09. Deer heads detract from the decor.
08. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
07. The tires on that truck are too big.
06. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
05. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
04. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
03. Checkmate.
02. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is -
01. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.

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How You Know If You Received and/or Gave A Rotten Present"
 by: Curtis

10- Bed sheets or bath towels that you can read through.
09- It was advertised on late-night TV.
08- It has the phrase "As advertised on TV" on the label.
07- Almost anything available at "Everything's A Dollar".
06- It is meant for human consumption, but it has to have the word "Food" prominently displayed on the label (i.e. "Imitation Cheese Food Product").
05- It is displayed within 3 feet of the check-out register.
04- Richard Simmons endorses it.
03- It came free with a Happy Meal.
02- It has "Non-alcoholic" on the label.

and finally ...
 01- It has "Chia" in the name.

Bonus suggestion: If you get a gift certificate for a Berrium Enema from someone, you might wish to cross them off of your Christmas Gift List next year.

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Top Ten Children's Book Titles You Will NEVER See
by: Curtis

10. "You Were an Accident"
09. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
08. "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
07. "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
06. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer---Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
05. "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
04. "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
03. "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
02. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
01. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

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Top Ten Steven Wright Oneliners

10. I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
09. My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
08. Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
07. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
06. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
05. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
04. I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
03. Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
02. I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."
01. I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.

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If you have a great Top Ten list it to me.