I Moved here April 15th, 1999. This place was like an alien planet to me. Florida, Louisiana, and Delaware are states of flat land where you can see miles upon miles in front of you, where when you watch the sun set you know every body and town watch the town set at the same time. But South Carolina is a mountainous state, where the wonder of what exactly is over the next hill is always on your mind. A nice walk turns into an uphill battle and what to wear according to the weather is a no win situation. Greenwood has a horrible economy, or at least that's what I believe. Nothing survives, we have more abandoned stores than we do occupied. It's really a sad site. Anyway, I never knew until I moved here that being born in Florida doesn't qualify me as being a southerner. I'm not a Yankee, and I'm not a Rebel so I guess Floridians are a species of their own. In the few years I've lived in the true 'South' if picked up a few rules outsiders:
1. Don't order steak at a Waffle
House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook
something they know.
2. Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther,
Ray, Tammy Ann, Maribeth, Billie Jo, Bubba, Junior, etc.) These
people have been known to whup a man's arse for less.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a
beating. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's
Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke. We don't drink seltzer.
Seltzer is the same as club soda to a southerner and short of mixin it we
wonder why anyone would drink the stuff.
4. Don't show allegiance to any college football team
that isn't in the SEC, ACC or maybe the Big 12. (Texas, Florida,
Florida State, Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.) All the
others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming.
5. Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of
hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than
you (e.g., Welty, Williams,
Faulkner).
6. We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of
business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI
Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small
lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if
you think we are dumb because we can and will kick your a**.
7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, and we don't look like
wrinkled up old prunes, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell
out of here.
8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that
you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended, and don't put sugar
on your grits.
9. And speaking of sugar, true southerners do NOT bake cornbread
that has
had sugar added to it. Cornbread that contains sugar is known as
Yankee Cornbread and is not considered fit to go onto the table of a true
southerner. If you come across this disgusting concoction, upon
examination of the cook's pedigree, there is bound to be an ancestor whose
heritage is from north of the Mason Dixon.
10. Don't fake a southern accent. This has been known to incite a riot.
11. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't
give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your a** home.
12. We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern
games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn.
13. We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are
saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go home.
14. If' you happen to visit the western border of the south, Texas, do not
order chili and expect it to contain beans. Texas can get pretty riled up
about this subject and consider chili with beans to be an abomination. And, yes,
it's hot. Why the hell do you think it is called chili?
15. Blackeyed peas are not cattle feed and are considered to be a
New Years Day tradition. They are served alongside another southern
delicacy, hog jowl.
16. Ya'll is plural for you all. It is never used to refer to
a singular person. Ya'll's is used only to show possession.
Example: "We came by ya'll's house last Sunday, but ya'll weren't
home".
17. Last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how
to Bar-B-Q. This will get your ass shot off. You're lucky we let you
come down ,here at all. Question our Bar-B-Q, and go home in a pine box. (and
grilling out a steak or burger or hotdog is not Barbequing.
