The Drowned Girl
|
|
|
Who am I? That's the question we so frequently ask ourselves all the time. But does it really matter who I am in the scheme of things...well, to this website I guess it does, considering that you're actually reading this.
The Basic Stats: Name: Kelley
When I was working on this website I was thinking what could I do for a biography for myself? I still have no idea as I'm writing this. Maybe I should just start at the beginning. I was born in a small town in Illinois, named Barrington, but my family lived in Cary. I lived there for a total of fifteen and a half years of my life. The greatest day of my life was when I moved away from there. I hated that atmosphere so much. I look back on it now and it's a miracle I didn't kill myself. That's where the story gets interesting. When I turned ten I started dabbling in the idea of suicide. I thought perhaps all my worries would end then. I didn't realize then how much I would wish to die just five years later. When I was fifteen that's when the problems really began. Oddly enough I never when to a Psychiatrist, but I diagnosed myself as a self-injurer. I know that seems a bit odd to all of you that are reading this and don't understand. A self-injurer is someone that injures themselves whether that be with a knife, razor, scissors, breaking bones, punching, kicking, even one's own fingernails...just about anything to cause a physical pain to gain physical control over uncontrollable emotional pain. I never realized how much pain I caused in others by injuring myself. I noticed that my friends were doing it and my parents were prepared to send me away to get help because they felt helpless. Many days I would just sit in my room listening to depressing music and cry my eyes out, thinking about how miserable my life really was. Oddly enough I was listening to the radio one day and the Alanis Morrisette song was on, "Thank U." There's one line that really stuck out, that hit me rather hard, "How 'bout no longer being masochistic." When I was 17 I realized a way to cope with my cutting in a much healthier way...artwork. With the program that I was in at Niceville High School (IB Program) I was able to create artwork (at least 12 pieces) that told a story and created awareness. I chose self-injury and suicide. Although my grade was less than favorable (for what reason I'll never know), I have come to embrace my faults and my errors through artwork. It's provided me with a real insight into what I'm thinking and feeling and how to deal with it on a healthier level. If you want to see my artwork...click here.
Now that I'm 19
I've noticed another aspect of my life that I never understood, relationships. I
never truly felt as though I was worth anything unless I was in a relationship.
After going through a bad three month relationship in my Senior year in High School, I
realized that I didn't need a boyfriend to make myself happy. If justification that
you're beautiful is contingent of what the opposite sex thinks about you, you need to
seriously sit down and examine what's going on in your life. I learned that I had to
love myself before I could ever have anyone else love me. Oddly enough when I had
just gotten comfortable with who I was, I met someone truly different. I technically
met him on a trip to Emerald City (for all of you people that don't live in Pensacola,
Emerald City is a gay nightclub). He was a friend of a friend. We hung out for
a little bit before, got to talking, and realized how interesting he really was.
About a month after that, we started dating. There's one major thing that he has
taught me. Be ready for anything that comes your way. A good thing could be
disguised, but we must always keep an opened mind. Everyone that I told that I was
interested in him thought I was nuts, but I knew then that he was an amazing person, it
wasn't until after I started dating him that I realized how amazing he really was.
He's a former self-injurer like myself and he's majoring in English Lit going for his
teaching certificate. It's so comforting to know that there is always someone out
there that understands and appreciates you. You just need to open your mind and
your heart to receive it. One of the things that is really starting to frighten me right now are my abandonment issues. I almost lost a friendship tonight (October 14, 2002) and I don't know what's happening to me anymore. I'm starting to question my sanity, but I know that by questioning my sanity, I know that I'm perfectly sane. So that is at least a comfort. My career in theater is going great, perfect, in fact. It's just my personal life that is sucking so bad I can't stand it. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm afraid that I might be in love with someone who I should never be in love with. And yet, I'm willing to throw them away. It's my defense mechanism. I'm just so sick and tired of putting my heart on the line, only to get it ripped apart by inconsiderate people. The problem is, (in the words of Donnie the Whiz Kid in "Magnolia") I have a lot of love to give. The only problem is I have no where to direct it, and when I do, no one is willing to receive it and return it. It's been so hard for me to face every day since I've discovered this. You have no idea how depressed I've been since I had that fight today. It's been miserable. I have no idea why as well. Perhaps it's that I know nothing more than minor friendship can come out of this...and yet I feel more. This is my own fault. I cannot and do not fault him in anyway for him feeling the way that he does. He cannot control these things and I appreciate his honesty. It's been nearly four years since I've experienced this much emotional pain in my life. It's so incredibly hard to bear as well. But this is my own fault. I need not be so willing to trust. Or perhaps that is my problem...I do not trust enough. It's been so hard for me to trust my friend because of how everyone else has treated me in the past. But that's not his fault, and I know that, yet here I am, treating him like garbage and I feel just awful about it. But tonight I was able to trust him enough to get some things that I never told anyone else out in the open. It's been so hard. 'Cause every bone in my body's telling me not to trust him and walk away from it while you still have your sanity. But is that right? I don't know. I think perhaps if I watch a little TV at 1:30 in the morning or just try to chill out, I'll feel better. But who knows. I can only try. It is now Friday, four days after that fight. We have since patched things up. We are good friends and I have realized, after cutting a lot of people out of my life right now, why should I do it to someone that I can actually trust. I never realized what was really going on. I have been trying to simplify my life by cutting out any kind of confusion that I have had. And the one person that I shouldn't cut out of my life is my best friend. A friend of mine gave me a quote I really like, "Friends know they aren't friends after a fight. But best friends don't know they're friends until after a fight." I believe it to be very true. Which is frightening in some aspects that it actually takes us to fight to finally figure that stuff out. But I think we have realized that we're really good friends and we have everything pretty much figured out. Thank goodness for some stability in my life.
Click here to see: My Artwork
Click here to see: My Diary of Theatre
Lately, I've also been writing a few more songs. The recent additions to my collection have been "Old Feelings," "October 1st," and "Tell Me." The most recent as of late August is "Stronger Person." |
Me as Angelina Jolie's Lara Croft...Amused? You better be...this is so not serious. *s*