I wonder if it's overcast today.
It looks overcast, but at the same time, my building could just be surrounded by a cloud. I like that about where I work, I can look out windows that are ten feet away and see...well...everything. I can see buildings, really nice ones too. Things that make me occasionally wonder why I never wanted to be an architect.
Oh, did I forget to mention there are trees and grass as well? It's a distance, and the trees look so small as to be dots on the landscape, but I know what they are, and that makes all the difference. There's water too, out by River City. I don't know what River City is, but I can point it out from my window.
My favorite view of the entire city is from the SE corner of my building, it's an office with glass walls (all the outer offices up here have glass walls, which is why I can see from where I am straight through to the outside world) and from the corner, you can see Circe on top of the Board of Trade. It's phenominal. She isn't very detailed, but think of how many people never ever even know there's a statue on top of the building, much less get a close up view. I feel so very lucky sometimes, and for the oddest reasons.
Talked to J- last night. He's a nice person, and enjoyable to talk to. He recommended the people at his place of business if I need someone to talk to. I think I'm still just toying around with the idea at this point. I did the rounds of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers when I was too young to decide for myself and have been forever wary of them. Knowing someone who is going to be one someday doesn't help either. I can't go into a "professional" office without picturing my friend doing one of the vast number of strange things he's been known to do and then have any kind of "professional" respect for the person I'm sitting across from in the current office.
Then again, I don't respect many people anyway, so maybe that wouldn't make any difference. I'm probably just being a snob. I've helped out enough people that I don't want anyone to dare think they are even remotely capable of helping me. Not that I'm messed up, far from it, but I don't think they can just listen and keep their mouths shut, which is what I would want. They'd want to "help" me "get through" my pain. Well that's not going to happen. As long as R- isn't at 100% health wise, I'm not going to be at 100% emotionally. It's just not possible.
Good news on the R- front! The Lymphoma has officially cleared out of her spinal column! Now she is just dealing with it in her liver and in her bone marrow. Yeah it sounds bad, but it's better than where she's been, and she's feeling better.
I almost cried with joy when she told me she went up a flight of stairs and took a bath. Amazing the things we all take for granted. Everyone who knows R- has either intentionally or unintentionally been altering their dietary habits in some way. A few are doing it under the guise of Lent, but most are just saying they want to be healthier.
I know I'm not unaffected by the health trend that my friend's problem has brought on. The horribly ironic thing is that R's illness was not caused by an unhealthy lifestyle. There is actually NO logical reason for her to have Lymphoma. She was healthy, active, good dietary habits. She was healthy. Truly, madly, deeply. Then this comes out of the blue. So why is everyone's first instinct to suddenly eat healthy and exercise? Are we afraid we're next? I could hide behind my excuse, "Well I was changing my lifestyle before R- got Lymphoma" which is completely true. On the other hand, I have to admit I definately stepped up the pace once she did become sick.
What started as "I want to look better at 30 than I have ever looked before" has turned into something a bit more severe. It's not a bad thing, I'm not planning on cultivating an eating disorder anytime soon, but I'm definately focused.
I had a doctors appointment Wednesday night where the nice doctor felt the need to inform me I was overweight *grin* no shit, huh? You're kidding! She wants me to go on this drug, Xenical. The thought of taking drugs to lose weight really scares me. It seems so, well, unhealthy. Like you go into the doctor and say I need antibiotics for fat. She asked me what I wanted to weigh. I picked a completely arbitrary number, 150. She asked me when the last time was I weighed that much (apparrantly expecting me to say high school...they usually do) and I said "in 8th grade" This woman kept asking the most inane questions, until I finally had to inform her that "No, I do not have a relationship with food, I have relationships with men. I eat food." I don't think I threw her until I added, in an undertone "well, i eat men too, but you know what i mean"
Thank goodness she laughed. A doctor with a sense of humor. What a concept. She told me she wanted me to join a group (get ready, we're about to piss off the dr. again) that got together and discussed "weight management"
Me: "I don't do groups"
Dr: "Why not?"
Me: "Do you want the real answer, or the polite answer?"
Dr: "The real answer, of course"
Me: "Because I don't want to sit in a room and listen to a bunch of fat chicks whining because they eat when they're depressed"
Dr: *jaw drops slightly*
Me: "I'm sorry, but that's all it's going to be."
Dr: "Noooo...It's *much* more than that"
Me: "What is it?"
Dr: "We share 'tips' and 'tricks' on how to improve our diets"
Me: "I don't need 'tips' and 'tricks'"
Dr: "How do you know that?"
Me: "Because on average I eat 1200 calories and less than 20g of fat a day"
Dr: *jaw really gives a good drop this time* "You're not eating enough!"
Me: "Ayup"
Dr: "Especially fat, you need to eat more fat to be healthy!"
Me: "Okay, so tell me about this drug you want me to take"
Dr: (short version) "It bonds to the fat in food so you can't digest it"
Did you see how that last part just happened? She told me I didn't eat enough fat, then tells me she's planning on perscribing a drug that doesn't let me digest fat. If that makes sense to anyone please let me know and I'll be forever in your debt, because I found that to be completely illogical.
We live in a world where doctors don't use logic. That doesn't give me a warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach. Or anywhere else for that matter. Well, if she wants to do blood tests on me and physicals, and anything else, that's fine. All I wanted was a pap and some birth control pills, but if she sees fit to try and "fix" my life, I'm not going to stop her. Until she becomes annoying...then I'll put a stop to it immediately. I don't care if she's god, I'm not taking drugs if I don't like what they're going to do.
Come to think of it, except for "the pill" I don't take drugs at all. I can't even remember the last time I took aspirin. I tend to work through pain, or ignore it, or find the source and fix it to the best of my ability...but resorting to drugs for every little cough, sneeze, and ache seems so horrible to me. What if down the road you really need it and you have developed a tolerance to something. What then?
I have to stop being fatalistic. It's not worth it. I love my job, I love my home, I have a good solid social life. I have to stop letting R's problem affect my life as if it were my own. This is not a situation where I want to get sympathy pains.
I'm going back to my cloud now, I'm pretty sure that's what it is. I'm having a nice morning, and I am pretty sure I'll have a nice afternoon. There is a bit of anticipation, but after getting used to it, it's even become a pleasant addition to my day. I could feel like I do today every day for the rest of my life, and I don't think I'd mind one bit.
Today is going to be a good day.
~Dryad~