I don't understand certain things about people.
The current one that is completely throwing me off is thinking about how different people are when they are in bed together.
No one, that I have ever met, is the same once they get their clothes off.
Some are sensual, some are playful, some are downright crazy! But no one is the same in and out of bed.
I think my favorite are the laughers.
The ones that make the time you spend with them genuinely fun.
A person that can go from mysterious to giggling back to mysterious again without missing a beat.
Do you remember the first better than any of the others? Do you remember the one that hurt you?
I remember most of them, some vividly.
The most vivid are the ones I didn't get. The ones I wanted and couldn't have.
The ones who didn't want me, or the ones I was too shy to have.
Then, kiddies, the most interesting thing of all happens.....
The ones who come back, that you haven't seen in a while.
Sometimes they come in the guise of someone who couldn't tolerate your presence,
Other times they come in the guise of something you wanted more than you wanted air, but weren't ready for.
Then you realize you will probably never be ready for it, and you just wait for your chance to take what you wanted so long ago, and you know that it will be just fine, because you're not scared anymore. Nervous? Hell yes. Scared? Not on your life.
I find it interesting that the thing that I'm most nervous about is that I'll lose it when I do see him again.
That some part of my psyche is just waiting to turn me back into a 17 year old girl, blushing and stammering, unsure of myself but excited in a way I haven't been since. I think another part of me is hoping that will happen. Everything has seemed so passe lately. One intense loving relationship after another, seemingly an endless parade of adoring admirers (and hopeless assholes, of course) and there he was. Making my brain twitch and my knees knock. Me, wanting so much to be able to speak without being a nervous wreck, and also knowing that it wasn't possible. Not wanting to go all the way, because I was just positive I couldn't do it perfectly...and when the person you are looking at is perfect (in your 17 year old eyes) you have to be able to satisfy them....and I wasn't even sure at 17 what satisfaction was....for me or for another person - and I knew that I wouldn't go through with it.
Of course, I also swore to myself that "someday" I would. I built my personality accordingly. To never be intimidated or scared of honesty again.
I used to blush so easily, I feared bluntness...I needed the safety of polite conversation to keep me from feeling put on the spot.
Not anymore *grin* I'm ready for almost anything at this point in my life.
I miss my gym.
I haven't gone in a couple of weeks and feel so icky about it. I like my treadmill, I like watching MTV2 while I jog.
I wonder if it's actually the gym and the eating, or if its the attitude that keep causing people to actually stop around here (work) and say "Wow, you are looking great!" It's very embarrassing actually, and honestly, I'd rather they didn't. I don't want to know the people I work with find me attractive at all, that's bad...but like I always tell Mandy, a compliment is a compliment, and that's all there is to it.
Still talking to Bunny about the problems happening surrounding that "other" situation. Not sure what's happening or where it's going. If I had succeeded in making this a truly anynomous web page I could put interesting stuff up here that would convince everyone that I was lying when I said "I forsake drama" ... let me tell you ... I can't escape the stuff. Hopefully, as long as I keep trying to, it won't be as intense. Which is strange considering the situation.
An ex is an ex of course of course, and no one can talk to your ex of course...unless of course....the particular whore....is the famous...well...it's me!
What's sad is that I managed to make that fit the tune. Thank goodness it didn't take any thought....
Hoping it will happen again, but unfortunately there are circumstances that may preclude that from being an option...then again...you never can tell, people act in very strange and irrational ways, and you cannot know what they will do, and you certainly can't know why.
But wouldn't it be interesting to know? To be able to read minds for one day...and have access to the people who's minds you'd like to read. I would. It would probably be one of the most painful experiences of my life, but also one of the best. To finally know who is telling the truth and who is lying, who I can really trust, even if it's someone who hates me, because I know they'll tell me what needs to be told.
To learn who is really blunt, and who is pretending.
Oh, to learn who pretends.....what a joy.....
~Dryad~