Haven’t written in a while. Don’t really remember the last thing I wrote about either. How I live in a teardrop shaped piece of nowhere down a country road in Indiana. How I cannot stand my own home anymore. How my friend, my really good friend, has not figured out what being an adult is yet. She should know better, she really really should. But she does nothing to change. She refuses.
I have to start walking after work. It’s time to get healthy. My body is my temple and I have never really stopped to think about that. Now would be a good time. It seems I don’t have much else to focus on now that I am in Palmer other than my self-improvement. Probably a good thing, it’s been a long time in the coming. I have not really stopped to improve myself in a very long time. I always just figured crisis control was all I could handle, now there are no more problems. Okay, there are a few, but they are so trivial. For example….my biggest problem right now is whether to pay off all of my bills, or to pay off my bills like I am now (slowly) and take a class this fall at Valparaiso University. I know I know, how can I live with such tough problems facing me down. You have got to be kidding me. There was a time when I would have thought life would be perfect if the only problem I had was where to put the money, as long as I finally had some. But it’s not. Amazingly enough. I want more. Maybe nothing will ever be good enough. Maybe everyone is right about me. But I thought ambition was good. I’m only twenty-four, why should I stop and be content now? I didn’t think you were supposed to stop achieving things so young. I don’t want to coast. Resting on my laurels, as it were.
If I do go back to college this fall I think I’m going to take a course in Social Psychology. It sounds like something that could be challenging, but enjoyable at the same time. I need some more science classes, as well as needing to ease myself back into school life. I don’t want to do it all at once and overwhelm myself. That would be too much.
On another positive note, Joseph is thinking about getting us season tickets to the Lyric Opera. I’m really excited because I would love to see The Great Gatsby which has been converted into an English opera. I love that story. It’s so simple, yet … I don’t know why I love it so much, I just do.
I just got off the phone with VU and they said I only have to worry about sending in a High School diploma if I’m going to receive financial aid. Fat chance of that. My current balances are up to almost nine grand. I really hope my “end of the year bonus” from work will cover that crap. I really want those loans off of my record. I can’t handle being in debt anymore for things I screwed up so long ago. Ten years to be exact.
I like to think I’m usually much more upbeat than this, but I’m just feeling dragged down right now. Joseph doesn’t want to move ahead in our relationship, Kathy can’t seem to get on her own feet (she hasn’t even gotten a checking account of her own, and has no plans to. Thinking ahead isn’t her strong suit.) I am sick of taking care of everyone else’s emotional well being when I feel like I’m trapped in this big cage with no way out. I have to figure out what I’m going to do with my time and money.
Of course it probably doesn’t help that it feels like my brain has died. Like it couldn’t move if given the chance. I hope it hasn’t become too stale, because I plan on kicking it’s ass back into action. I need to take that class if it’s at all possible. I need to feel like I can breathe and think and am a worthy member of the world. My world. I don’t care about the rest of the world. Sure I’d love to be debt free sooner, but for goodness sake I don’t think I can take this anymore, you know what I mean?
Just got off the phone with Gramma and she says (basically) screw the debt, it can wait, an education is ALWAYS more important. I like her. So the only real obsticle (other than typing out the application, which I dread, is to talk to Sharon (my office manager at work) and find out how this is going to affect my daily life at work.
Just got back from Sharon’s office, and lo and behold!!! It’s O.K. for me work-wise to go back to school!!! I will leave a half hour early (4:30pm) on the days that I have class and that way I should be able to get to Valpo in plenty of time for a 6:30 class….actually that will be cutting it way way close, but no matter, I’ll get there, and with the blessing of my wonderful company that I will be working at for a very very long time.
Jennifer