I've decided to go back to this format of writing entries. It is just the nicest to look at and simplest. I do not like seventeen different colors on a web page. It looks cluttered.
This last weekend was basically one long panic attack. I probably became totally dehydrated from crying more than I was drinking. That bad? Yes, that bad and so much more.
Mandy bailed out on me Friday afternoon. Hung up with me because I wouldn't let her keep her cat in the apartment. I only wish she'd told me like an adult when I first offered to let her live in the apartment, not act like a spoiled child the night before we are supposed to move into the new place.
She's 20 years old for goodness sake. I wasn't getting help from the family when I was 20. My grandmother wasn't looking to get me an apartment and help me pay the rent. Not by a long shot. But "poor little mandy" just can't do it herself. I just wonder what age she has to be before they finally stop coddling her and she lives like an adult, or at least tries to. If they keep helping her along like they are, she will end up just like her 42 year old unemployed mother. And then they will "tsk tsk" and wonder why she couldn't make it on her own. What a shame.
Kathy is absolutely thrilled beyond belief with the new apartment in Crown Point. Kathy is absolutely thrilled beyond belief with her new job she started today. Kathy is thinking life is looking pretty good all around. Lucky her.
She never had to really work for what she just accomplished. Amazing, really, considering it took me years of suffering and hardship and luck to get where I am, and in less than two weeks she quit her job making $7.50/hr and is now making $25,000/yr. Why? I told her where to go, what to wear, what to say, and made her practice her typing.
She even took cabs. The girl was working in chicago, and took cabs while job hunting. I never once took a cab. I couldn't afford it. Neither can she....but it's on me, so she can. Not right, people, that's just not right.
I cannot get over the fact that I hate the new apartment. Not the way it looks...it's really nice. Not the area...that's really nice too...it's just that it's, it's, I don't know. If I knew maybe I'd be less depressed.
I spent all weekend sleeping and/or crying. Couldn't help myself. I feel like I'm being punished for something, but can't figure out what. I feel like I'm being left by someone, but not sure who. I am just in an amazing tizzy, and can't figure out why. Which is making everything worse. If I could just analyze the situation I could deal with the situation but there's nothing to deal with. I just have to get used to the situation and tolerate it until further notice. Who knows how long I'll be trapped there.
Monday is a holiday for my company, so Friday I get off work at 3:30pm. I hope Joseph can drive me in and out. I miss riding with him. Kathy would have to find her own way into work and home from work and pay for parking for a day. That would make me happy. Let her see what it's like for a day. Not that it will make any difference. What's one day of parking and a few tolls. She still won't understand.
Joseph has been putting up with me being depressed all weekend. He was really very supportive and left me a sweet little "you are loved" email message for me this morning. I just don't know how long he can put up with it, because I don't see it going away any time soon. Tonight Kathy and I are going to stop and clean up the apartment somewhat and Joseph offered to help ~ he really is just too sweet. I want to curl up in his arms and dissapear. Just let the whole world go away and not worry about anything and be safe in his arms. Yes, I lead a really active fantasy life, but it's a comforting thought nonetheless.
I think the worst part of it all is that I could ask Joseph's mother if I could stay in the Lake Station apartment....and that if I grovelled enough she'd say "yes" for sure. I pay rent on time. She doesn't even know why I moved out. Poor old woman. I really hope I never have to see her again. I just cannot deal with that kind of person, and have spent most of my life avoiding that kind of person, and I don't care who's mother it is, if she hurts me, I cannot deal with her. Simple as that. I am not on this earth to be anyone's punching bag. I don't care if I am in love with her son, I still am not her punching bag.
Work is great, on the other hand. I am going to go out to lunch this week with Emilie, Lynn, and Michele at some point. Have to get them all scheduled. For Lynn, I have to go to lunch at 11:30am. Not really a great thing for me, but she's really nice, so I guess I could do it. Michele is great, because she smokes, so I don't have to feel really uncomfortable about it around her like I do with Emilie, even though Emilie never says anything about it as long as I keep her downwind. I know some really nifty people.
I'm still wondering if I'm going to be having a barbecue next Sunday. Joseph would come and probably John too, and other than that I'm not sure. Probably Karina and Patrick, and possibly that one guy I know from on the internet, but he'd probably be there to pick up Kathy.
I'm gone for now. Talk to you all soon. If anyone wants my phone number email me.
Jennifer