"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public." -- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)
"If you can't lower heaven, raise hell." -- Anonymous

Favoritism is pretty rampant on Daytime television. On General Hospital however, its run amuck and as out of control as NYC subway rats. Think not? Then explain something to me: why are two characters as insipid, juvenile and shallow as Steve Burton's Jason Morgan and Alicia Leigh Willis' Courtney Matthews featured almost non-stop? Internet fans have renamed (and rightly so in my opinion), this undynamic duo - JIP. Quite fitting I believe because "gypped" is just how I feel. Pour yourself a stiff one, you're gonna need it. Fresh off ABC's super couple assembly line comes one of the most prefabricated pairings I've ever seen. I've had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that thrilled me more than these two dud spuds. Like road kill splattered on the bumper of a careening semi, JIP has also been smeared with clueless abandon across our collective TV screens. And unfortunately it appears that this coma-inducing couple will be stinking up the joint for the forseeable future. "The Chosen Ones" have arrived and the fix my dear, is most definitely in. So hit the road Jack Wagner and take Kristina with you!

Jason Morgan (brain damaged, robotic, yet heroic Mob assassin and all around thug) and his squeeze du jour Courtney Matthews (Jason's ex sister in law/former low rent stripper and living embodiment of every dumb blonde joke known to man) - have clearly been anointed as "The Chosen Ones" by the big giant heads at ABC. The fact that Burton had much more heated and palpable chemistry with Rebecca Hearst (as did Willis with Billy Warlock), didn't seem to give ABC the faintest pause. Nope. Network big cheese put the whammy on Jason/Liz lickety split, then blew Billy Warlock completely out of Willis' orbit. So now it's JIP as far as the eye can see. All over the place, all of the time. Clinging to everything like kudzu over South Georgia. Spending what feels painfully like countless hours either mooning over each other; whining over the unbearable thought of any separation that'll last more than fifteen minutes; or laughably locked in total indecision and/or incomprehension regarding the inner workings of their sophomoric and shallow relationship. Jinkies Scooby pals! Doesn't love like - um totally sting or what? So what's next for General Hospital's Mafioso with the brain drain and his buxom Galleria Mall moll? Jason gives Courtney his letter sweater (riddled with brain matter and bullet holes no less), then nervously asks her to the annual Port Charles' Tony Soprano (I Beat the Rico Statutes) Sock Hop? Or golly gee boys and girls - maybe he'll give Courtney a class ring? With the finger still in it. I haven't seen a "wuv" portrayed so powerfully and this intensely since...um...well since Alfalfa first spied that temptress Darla on The Little Rascals (oh Alfalfa, - er Jason! Save me - save me!

JIP - (the year's hot and zippy new model at the ABC expo), have been rolled out and showcased up the kazoo for someone's viewing pleasure. I sure as hell know it isn't mine. I've seen better chemistry and hotter sex on an Amish farm. But apparently being as bland as three day old Wonder Bread, butt numbing boring and as stupid as stumps - isn't any great impediment when climbing the heights to soap super coupledom. Particularly when you can springboard off of the huge popularity and complex storyline of an immensely talented and intensely magnetic actor like Maurice Benard; as well as having the protection and added safety net of both network big cheese - and his head case of a head writer jonesing for you Fatal Attraction style. Networked sanctioned and crow barred into practically every single storyline, this propped up Power Puff pair with the bite and texture of Fluff, run the labyrinthine gamut of all the emotions from A to B. Jason and Courtney (whether flying solo or in tandem) - are two dimensional (at best), self-absorbed simpletons with the unfathomable depth of a puddle. And who generate about as much electricity as panhandle dirt. JIP might be suitable as candidates for Surfer Magazine's Pin-up of the Month; neither Jason nor Courtney were initially drawn with the deftness, nuance, or depth that's vital in bringing to life vibrantly three dimensional characters. And as a couple, JIP has neither developed the necessary pathos and heat - nor displayed the nearly tangible emotional connection that are the trademarks of all soap super couples. Nor has this undynamic duo charismatically honed that most essential knack: making the audience care about what happens to them. I never root for JIP. And this all important factor is crucial in becoming any show's dramatic centerpiece or flagship couple. Nevertheless, ABC continues to manufacture and spin love of all things JIP at a velocity that would make a whirling dervish envious. Completely (or rather further) ignoring the obvious fact that Jason and Courtney aren't compelling in the least and woefully lack the dramatic complexity necessary to spark or drive any multilayered storyline. Much less be used as the inexhaustible wellspring from whence all storyline arcs flow.

It's clear to me that JIP have been rubber stamped by network big cheese as the heir apparent to the Luke and Laura throne. However, "Made by Mattel" is only the label this plasticine pair truly deserves. If ABC interns ever surfed any of the non JIP-centric internet message boards, they would soon realize that many fans see JIP as the Greg and Marsha Brady of soap couples. It would also be clear to even the most brainless network brass that to a substantial portion of GH viewers, JIP has the roaring heat of a firefly, as well as all the excitement and nerve jangling intrigue of an ABC Afterschool Special. No matter how many utterly contrived or overly melodramatic scenarios the writers manage to spunk out - this cotton candy couple is (and always will be) about as complex and riveting as a game of jacks. But would this fact actually make any difference to the network's big stinky cheese? I seriously doubt it. ABC would most likely continue to ram JIP down our throats with a joy and abandon usually reserved for firing people of color and actors over the age of 35. Why? Because that's the way the big giant heads want it. So front and center is where JIP will remain. And ABC has stacked the deck so high in Burton's and Willis' favor - you can't even see the tops of the heads of any other actors.

Moreover, Burton's Jason Morgan has not only been deemed most supreme - Good Golly Miss Molly that boy's been canonized! Jason can do no wrong! Tell no lies! Repels all expression and signs of life with his penetrating laser-like stare! He can leap over any actor's storyline in a single bound! And is completely impervious to losses in screen time or network promotional dollars! Will this adoration ever end? Not freaking likely. So what's next for our intrepid bullet-proof saint? Back alley thugs everywhere are born again and find that old time religion after witnessing Jason's likeness at random crime scene sites? Oooh, I can see it all now! Paulie "No Thumbs" Dumbrowsky crumples to his busted kneecaps in supplication - after spying The Sainted One's holy visage in the chalk outline drawn around the remains of His Holiness' latest hit; or perhaps Vinnie "The Mook" finally goes to confession - after he sees Jason's saintly profile in the exit wound pattern on the bullet-riddled back of the corpse His Holiness is about to chuck into the PC River. I guess St. Jason's blond locks and silver-plated Glock trumps St. Peter's leather-bound bible and flowing frock any day of the week. Praise Be!

(Note to the big giant heads at ABC: towheaded twosomes with tight abs but tepid chemistry do not a soap super couple make. Being blonde is the only thing this Rose Bowl float will ever have in common with Luke and Laura. Keep looking).

"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong." -- Anonymous
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." -- Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

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