Rating system:

The MOVIES

Secretary (2002) DVD, 17+

Summary: A young woman named Lee Holloway gets out of the nuthouse and tries to start a normal life. She finds a job as a secretary for eccentric lawyer Mr. Grey. Things seem to go peachy, but Lee still doesn't seem fulfilled in life. Turns out she still has issues: a tendency to cut and stab herself with her homemade mutilation sewing kit that she carries with her. She's a masochist, a person who gets off from being abused. Lo and behold, Mr. Grey's got issues of his own: he's a sadist, a person who gets off from abusing his subject. And thus, the convenient characterizations are established, leading the plot towards a "unique" love story that will make the "normal" John and Jane Doe's romantic ways less interesting than amoebic porn.

Comments: I didn't realize how hot a woman getting spanked on a desk could be until I saw this. First off, this is probably the ultimate representation of "office fetish" and gets put on the pedestal because it's an artsy film. It's done right. Sure there are plenty of BSDM "supplements" online, but this movie manages to make it about TWO people's search for love, ultimately finding each other, and not about self-gratification. However, it was interesting to see Lee replace her mutilation fixation with Grey's dominatrix complex (lots of Fruedian stuff going on, very subtle.) According to the director's commentary, he didn't want to have Lee fix her "problem" by the end of the film, but instead wanted the theme to be that this kind of relationship is normal, only different. It shows and makes me as the viewer respect that. Of course, the behavior in this movie could be misconstrued as sexual harassment, which by definition has to be non-consensual by at least one party, and in this case it is not. Unfortunately in real life, wanting to spank your hot, young secretary at your office job might lead to a different result. Be forewarned.

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Silent Hill (2006) DVD, 17+

Summary: A cuckoo of a mother decides to take her cuckoo of a daughter to a magical Disneyland called Silent Hill. There, she uncovers the reasons why her daughter has been having night terrors and walking in her sleep. Turns out, in another dimension, a girl that resembles the daughter was burned at the stake because the nutcases in Silent Hill thought she was a witch. And then, strange shit starts to happen, and I don't want to get into when the sirens come on...

Comments: Can't say I LOVE this movie, I LIKE it, and I sure as hell RESPECT it. This is the most faithful video game-to-movie adaptation next to the first Mortal Kombat film (with MK being the superior one). Silent Hill is about the style and the creepiness, the visuals. Just like the games, we are left in the dark about the story. Just like any other horror movie, the story isn't really required. The fact that the filmmakers were able to bring to life the most disturbing imagery of man's imagination is something I commend. This is an art movie, but it is also a horror movie and maybe even sci-fi fantasy. It's the video game industry's homage to Jacob's Ladder. Any artist (in video games, film, comic books, etc.) would be proud of bringing their work to life and having people enjoy it. If you're an artist, all you need is one fan and I guarantee you that the Silent Hill franchise has more than one fan.

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V For Vendetta (2006) DVD, 17+

Summary: Based on cult-popular graphic novel of the same name, but movie changed a lot of stuff from the source material. In the movie, V is played by Agent Smith(Hugo Weaving) himself as to get not only the voice but even the mannerisms down. V is a terrorist, no debate. But common viewers will find sympathy for the character, based on the depiction in this film. The Nazi-like British government fucked him up in some rat experiment so it'd only be fair if he tracked down the order-barkers and kill them... and along the way, well, he gets to shave Natalie Portman's hair off. Hotcha!

Comments: Won't say much that hasn't already been 'splained by know-it-all political hillbillies. In the real business of cutthroat politics, no one wants to tell their spoiled white children that Daddy has to dress up in a business suit and act like a great white knight, in gang-terminology "front", make hokey negotiations and then murder people so that Timmy can walk around like the cock-of-the-block. But as some historians note, time has a way of catching up with itself. And I'll have to agree with scholars in this case that some politicians or bullies in general (and their informed supporters) have it coming. I find it hard to believe that people won't accept their own actions when shitload of people are oppressed and murdered on their behalf, just like the Germans who okayed the Jewish persecution. If this world needed a metaphor for that kind of evil, I find this Holocaust one (engrained into my head through mass media by the descendants of Jews mind you) an appropiate and strong one. We are all Jews one point or another in our lives (and unfortunately some will be oppressed their whole lives). V For Vendetta is ultimately a story about bullies and their vicitms. But to put it simply, payback is a bitch.

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Suicide Girls: The First Tour (2005) DVD, ADULT

Summary: Supposedly a documentary about 10 women who are grundgy, punker chicks who perform burlesque shows across the United States. We learn some intimate details about why they do what they do for a living. We get to see them topless or perform a cheap striptease. Very stylized cinematography. Looks like they all have a crush on Bettie Page (we all do). We even meet the creator of the org whose last name is Suicide (because all this time I thought they were called that because they were suicidal grundgy, punker chicks). Emphasizes Girl Power a lot, but doesn't become FemiNazi bullshit. Could be uplifting for "some" girls, but I wouldn't recommend what these babes do for a living as an outlet to vent psychological issues that need serious counseling. Nice DVD packaging (looks like a suicidal girl's diary).

Comments: Some of these women don't necessarily have what I would prefer as "pretty" faces, but I'll be damned if they didn't have some nice bodies. It's like this: some of these Suicide Girls were losers growing up and one even admits not having any friends, but once the clothes come off, it's daaaaammmn. Still though, I spot them being a little bashful in the body language, despite claiming it empowers them. I don't even think this is a documentary but more of a promotional video for the website (which is where they make most of their money I guess). They're not selling themselves like a porno site, though, which is a good move. There ARE beautiful Suicide Girls, but I won't give my checklist of criteria. It's a variety of flavors for a variety of consumers (maybe that's my endorsement). There's a pretty one who talks about how she used to be a lifeguard and when on duty masturbated without her hands by flexing her vaginal muscles until she climaxed. So... had she to rescue anyone who really needed it, she'd be having an orgasm while performing CPR... damn. And if she had to run Baywatch-Slow®, yow. Guess if you're a hot lifeguard without anyone to stick your tongue down their throat, you'd go Suicidal too (she explains her motive in the movie, I just like my fantasies better). Perspectives+. Venus bodies++.

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Images in a Convent (1979) DVD, ADULT

Summary: God damn this movie because it is the shit. God better well damn it before it gets into any virgin nun's hands. This is a "nunsploitation" flick. I didn't know this genre existed, but basically, in a genre called nunsploitation you can expect to see some beautiful women dressed as nuns... and then undressed as nuns. The story takes place in a convent, apparently teeming with gorgeous, nubile women, and the devil comes a-calling. The devil is represented by a garden statue of a satyr (horny half-man/half-goat) holding some grapes. Those silly nuns fear that statue with such superstition. Of course, then a man pops out of nowhere, ruggedly handsome and devilish (looking a lot like that evil, evil statue, too). He starts seducing and a-fucking up some of the nuns, giving off a strange dark force all over the convent. This force is so evil, it makes all the nuns burst out in sudden urges of masturbation and sapphic sex. Finally, the heroic, pious Father struts into town and it's on... the showdown of the Century. The Father makes his rounds about the convent, blessing everything with Holy Water, all the while the nuns are bursting from their cells flashing their hairy bushes, throwing themselves at him, and the guy just keeps going like a tank in his Precious Moments nightgown. Can the pious Father save the convent before the devil has a complete grip of the convent's innocence?

Comments: I think the title would more appropriately be "Visions in a Convent." For me, the existing translated title sounds like there are posters or pictures posted in the convent, and that the story might revolve around photographs or something. Other than that, whole new appreciation and respect for the O.G. (original gangsta) adult filmmakers. Back then, when they made films, they made films.

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Deepthroat (1972) DVD, ADULT

Summary: It's okay. Fellatio is okay. Linda said it is okay. Don't really need to go into detail, but this one is about a young woman, Linda, who can't get her jollies because she doesn't have a clitoris. She goes to a quack doc who magically finds that her clitoris is in her throat, and he would remedy her "ailment" with a technique called "deep throat." So she starts working for him, after he "cures" her, as a visiting nurse going around sucking/healing the shoik out of poor, poor patients of the doc's. For Linda, it is an epic, coming-of-age story about a woman who must find love in a world of sexual excess. Nominated for Motion Picture of the Year*.

Comments: I just had to see what all the hustle-bustle was all about, and let me tell you, this is exactly why it's what it is. THE SHOT was amazing. That woman is really good at it, and no doubt, now it's forever etched into history, artistically and erotically, even though it might go against stupid moralists (who were the first to see it, I'm sure.) You just gotta watch the body language and it's all there, not like modern-day "acting" where it's cold and stiff (ha-ha). In my opinion, Linda Lovelace is one of the prettier adult film actresses in the industry because she looked "normal" before all the actresses turned into plastic blowdolls (oh, the irony). *Motion Picture of the Year in my personal academy. And if Hollywood ever decides to make a Linda Lovelace biopic, I'd like to see Kirsten Dunst take a deep choker (that'd be the selling point of course: make an actor into a porn icon).

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Debbie Does Dallas (1979) DVD, ADULT

Summary: Debbie and her gang of cheerleaders want to head off to Dallas but they just don't have the money. So they make a pact to get jobs and all pitch in whatever they earn. But o how serendipidity steps in and learns innocent little Debbie that she can make more and faster money if she lets the, say, sporting goods owner Mr. Greenfeld grab her boing-boings (that's $20!). She tells her mates in the locker room and soon each one is off to seek their fortune. Of course, they up their play as the offers double. The girls encounter many obstacles. Will the gals raise enough money in time for the trip?

Comments: The money shots are ROUGH (in a good way) and these "actors" are INTO it. I mean they LOVE it and their performances show it. It looks incredibly authentic. Again, as I've written before, the O.G. filmmakers are the O.G.s for a reason. Love the satire at times. For example, the sporting goods store owner Mr. Greenfeld (the guy Debbie battles at the end of the movie) fantasizes about being the football captain when he was her age but never made the team because he was too short (in height, but apparently not necessarily unqualified for this genre of films). He magically becomes a vibrant, vigorous youth when his lustful cash offerings tackles Debbie. Gotta love that football/marching band music! Fine selection of 70's T & A in one movie... I'll give them that.

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Kekkou Kamen (1991-1993) Complete Trilogy on 2-DVD set, Region 2, ADULT

Summary: Kekkououououou! How does one describe the absurdity of the concept itself? This is the live-action version of the anime/manga about a masked avenger with lethal weapons (her knockers and spread eagle finishing attack). And when I mean masked, that's all she wears. Kekkou Kamen must be a parody of all kinds of "anime schoolgirl superhero" genres, except it dares to introduce the element that should've been food for the dogs from the start: sex and nudity as humor. Kekkou must save the helpless schoolgirls from the evil Principal, who sends out his goons to torture them. Of course, when the Sailor Moonish pop theme music kicks in, the goons had better look out for the supple threat that is... Kekkoouououo Kameeen! She'll pop out of the sky, or even the ground, and thwack you in the head with her nunchakus, or she'll finish you off with a vision of heaven with her "Huuuhhhh!" spread eagle jump attack. Part one doesn't establish any origins for our masked heroine, but it jumps right into the "action." She fights 3 bosses before confronting the Principal. Part two sees the triumphant uprising of multiple Kekkou Kamens, as there is an elaborate manhunt out for her. The villians think they've captured the woman behind the mask, but there is more than meets the glistening tween spot. Lastly, part three takes a dramatic tangent, completely off-road, as it now seems to have an incredibly increased film budget, so as to class it up a little. Kekkou falls for a piano player. The stunts are much better, the cinematography is 10x better, the visual effects, the "gags", overall more professionally done, but still ludicrous as hell. Behind the scenes was insightful in that you realize it's just another job.

Comments: Gigglefest for the pre-pubescent teen when the sketches in his Amer. Lit. notebook come to life. Nice, supple breastisises. Aweful acting, aweful stunts (I can't blame the Playboy-Japan model for not knowing how to flourish a nunchaku), low-production values, and with all of that, the eagle is censored? Either way, if you've got a strange inkling for this oddity, grab it. If you're looking for hardcore, not it. If you like Russ Meyer films, this is the Japanese equivalent (I got "Beneath the Ultra Vixens" DVD too). Maybe not a keeper, but definitely worth seeing for the novelty of it all. You'll never think about your own damn "crude sex joke" the same way again (unless you're THAT sick that even this won't make you're eyes twinkle...)

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Goldenboy: Wandering Student (1995) Complete 6-episode Series on 2-DVD set, 17+

Summary: His name is Kintaro Oe, age: 25. He dropped out of college, but only after he completed all of his courses ahead of schedule. Now he is a "wandering student" and travels the world in search for more knowledge about life. Along the way, he will meet some challenges, including the lure of women and money, but he is always open-minded and conquers them all with hilarious results. In the first episode, Kintaro finds a job at a software development company run by women. Hilarity: when it comes to his interactions with the big bosom boss. Episode two has Kintaro working for local politician whose daughter tries to put Kintaro through the gauntlet of seduction. Episode three, Kintaro works for a family owning a noodle shop, their daughter the pawn of a crooked swindler. Kintaro must confront the guy before he steals the family business. Episode four has Kintaro working at a swimming pool with a hot swim instructor. Funniest gag you'll ever see in an animated comedy because I know there's no one in Hollywood with the balls (or lips) to do what happens in the climax. Episode five, Kintaro learns the secret of his employer that she is a closet biker. In order to win her heart, he must race her on his bicycle vs. her motorcycle. Funniest race ever in an animation. Episode six, Kintaro ends up ironically at an animation studio. With the director in the hospital and the deadline approaching, it's up to Kintaro to save the day! The ultimate cult-following when it comes to anime. You mention Goldenboy, and anybody who's anybody in anime knows what you're talking about.

Comments: It's only funny with the original Japanese audio track with English subtitles. Simply put: because Mitsuo Iwata is the best-damn voice actor when it comes to performing those nuances. Let's not forget: he's the voice of Kaneda from "Akira." How does someone like Kintaro survive in the real world unless he was filthy rich? The guy learned to program with a keyboard he drew on a piece of paper! Of all the cookie-cutter anime out there (and there is a lot!) this is so damn unique, it's a MUST-SEE!

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American Splendor (2003) DVD, 17+

Summary: Who knew a movie about mundane comic book writer Harvey Pekar could be so dang interesting? Based on the comics by Harvey Pekar, "American Splendor," this movie tells how an ordinary office filing clerk made a name for himself through the underground comic book scene telling stories about his ordinary days. With the help of his buddy Robert Crumb, THE R. CRUMB, the "American Splendor" series made a splash during its hey-days in the 70's-80's. About Pekar's rise to notoriety, how he meets his future wife, and finally Pekar's fight with testicular cancer. Inspiring and very humbling.

Comments: Most people don't know who Harvey Pekar is, but being a cartoonist myself and always trying to tell my own story through pictures, I root for success stories like his. Here's an ordinary Joe who says he's an ordinary Joe and he's going to document that. Also, we get to see a different take on success through the underground comic book craze. If you've seen "Crumb," a documentary about Robert Crumb, you'll notice how different these two buddies' successes are. Crumb's life is ultimately depressing. Sure, he still finds love, has kids, but he is fucked up (and you can't blame him). Pekar's life is depressing, too, but the guy offers optimism. I've always believed that perspective is key to becoming a better person, so add one more to your library.

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Six-String Samurai (1997) DVD, 13+

Summary: He's a samurai sword-wielding rocker named Buddy. In the post-apocalyptic future, there is a call for a new King of Rock 'n' Roll in Lost Vegas, and Buddy plans to take the thrown. But along the way, an orphaned kid tags along and now they must journey the ghost towns and deserts and mountains to escape Death, who is also planning to take the throne. Independent film, but well-done martial arts and production value. The concept is still fresh.

Comments: The title alone should make any film enthusiast want to pick it up. Imagine Buddy Holly, dorked-out in thick framed glasses and 50's boppin' suit, rocking out a guitar, but then he pulls out his samurai sword and starts dishing out all the martial arts moves. It's a sight. It's a sight. Imagine if this was made with a big budget. It'll expand the cult-following, I'm sure.

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Parasite Eve (1997) DVD, 17+

Summary: Similar to Frankenstein, this one's about a crazed scientist, Toshiaki, who tries to resurrect his wife Kiyomi after she dies in a car accident. Toshiaki cultures her liver cells, then its mitochondria unexpectedly come alive. It is believed that every human being is born from the original "mother" DNA, called Mitochondria Eve. According to this story, that mitochondria evolved into a new organism, thusly the title, "Parasite Eve." Now the Parasite Eve wants to take over all of humanity as the new dominant species. Of course, it's cleverly written to incorporate the romance/love story aspect seamlessly with the horror.

Comments: I thought this movie would be based on the hit Playstation game, but then I learned that the game itself took some liberties from the source. The movie is based on the original novel and I like the love story element because it's actually done well. The acting is surprisingly well too, because I'd assume it was a new genre for Japanese filmmakers (it's directed by O.G. horror filmmaker, i.e. man in suit days). By the end of the movie, you really feel for Toshiaki and how much he loved his wife Kiyomi. He isn't just another mad scientist in pursuit of the glory of scientific discovery. I particularly enjoyed what I believe is the most romantic shot of the entire movie, and that's at the end when the couple embraces bursting into flames. It's morbid, but Toshiaki is redeeming his dead wife's love, but he's also quenching her fury (or the incarnation of it as Parasite Eve), therefore saving everyone else. Moving. I don't think there are enough love stories out there that have that kind of imagery (except Titanic, but c'mon.) Even Romeo and Juilet were spared their vanity, sheesh. Love hurts, so this movie makes you feel his pain/or love for his wife. And to top it off, make sure you watch the final credits through with Joe Hisashi's wonderful music, final final shot is of Toshiaki looking over the candle flame on the anniversary cake his wife baked him, just before she died, and Toshiaki smiles and fade to black. It's such a clever reference to it all. Well done. Watch it.

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