by Shimmer
*****
Part 10b
Giles had come back to Sunnydale with some girls. Potential slayers, he called them. They needed protection because the First Evil was back and trying to kill the Slayer line, blah blah blah.
Xander didn‘t actually care. He was in an odd state of limbo. Spike had suddenly become very important to Buffy and the coming battle, and Xander, although somewhat grateful for the respite from Spike’s attentions, was feeling left out. He and Spike had had a series of terrible arguments in which Xander had tried to express his fears and his doubts (particularly about Spike’s relationship with Buffy), and he had ended up insulting the vampire rather than accomplishing anything. As a result, Spike had begun staying at Buffy’s, a situation that did nothing to improve Xander’s mood.
He remembered the last fight. Spike had finally drawn him out of his depression into a rage.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Xander? This is the second night in a row that you’ve refused to come to bed with me.” Spike waited a moment but Xander ignored him and he continued undaunted, “You never leave the house, you won‘t talk to your friends, you don‘t shower, and you’re always screamin’ at me!” Spike was yelling now, his body tense and his fists clenched at his sides.
Xander turned from where he was rummaging in the refrigerator to trying to find a beer. “Did you ask me to go patrolling with you tonight? When Spike shrugged, Xander responded. “There. Why should I bother? It‘s not as if I‘m helpful.” He gripped the beer bottle tighter. “I don’t have anything to offer anyone but you, it seems, and I really don’t want my friends seeing what I’ve become.” Whore, skittered through Xander’s thoughts.
Spike opened his mouth to speak but Xander rushed on. “And besides, you don’t want to be seen with me when we go out; I’m just your fucktoy and you don’t want to remind Buffy, your true love, that you’re dickin’ me every night rather than her!”
Spike moved toward Xander, his eyes wide with confusion. “What are you talking about, Harris? I love you. I’ve loved you for lifetimes. I’m not ashamed of you, and I don‘t know why you think you‘ve changed--loving me, being with me, doesn‘t make you different from who you were.” He paused, really looking at Xander. Taking in the lost weight, the sunken eyes, and the haunted air that hung over the other man. “ All right, maybe you have changed, but not in the way that you think.” There was still no response other than an increase in the tension that radiated from Xander. “I haven’t taken you patrolling lately because it’s dangerous and you’re not up to it. Xander, luv, I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.”
“Bullshit. That is such shit, Spike. Because, y’know why? ‘Cause, I’m gonna die before you do anyway. I’m gonna get sick, or get in a car accident, or just get fuckin’ old, and I’m gonna die. How can you love me knowing that? How can you possibly? You‘re just playing with me. Playing with my life.” He choked on a swallow of beer before continuing. “With you, I can’t have a life. I can’t have children; I can’t have happiness. All I can have is the sick shit that you do to my body, and pretty soon, when I’m old and fat, then you won’t want me for that anymore.”
Spike was still for a minute watching the enraged boy, before whispering, “Do you want me to turn you?”
“You sonofabitch.” Xander threw his beer bottle against the wall where it shattered into thousands of pieces of glass. “I don’t want you to do anything to me. Not anymore. Not ever again.”
Spike looked stunned. “I didn’t know how you felt, luv. You . . . you never said that you didn’t like what we did.” He wrapped his arms around his body and muttered. “You never said no.”
Xander’s head was pounding, and his jaw ached from grinding his teeth. “How could I say no to you? You made me want it.” And more quietly. “I did want it.” He ran his hands through his scruffy hair. “I just don’t want it now. Get out.”
Spike did leave. Back to Buffy’s, Xander thought, with only a touch of anger, as he set about gently cleaning up the broken glass. It seemed almost as if he were cleaning up the shattered pieces of his life.
~*~*~
After Spike left, things didn’t get any better. They got worse. Xander missed the vampire with an intolerable intensity. He missed his snarky humor and his irreverence. Surprisingly, he missed his voice; when Spike was happy he sang anything that came to mind, and he had an impressive repertoire. Xander would wake to Spike serenading him from the shower with anything from Cats to Bob Seger.
He missed Spike’s smell, the constant lingering scent of cigarettes, old leather and whiskey. He missed talking late at night about places Spike had been, and the places Spike was going to take him. The first place they‘d go, Spike always told him, was India. He thought Xander needed enlightenment.
He also missed Spike’s insatiable curiosity and his boundless energy. The vampire never tired; he was in constant motion, whether he was fighting, fucking, cooking or playing poker.
He missed Spike’s passion and his bouts of melancholy, and he missed running out of toothpaste every three days because the vampire liked the minty fresh taste.
He had also never truly believed that Spike had been an intellectual, and it had been an unexpected pleasure to learn that the vampire retained a fondness for reading, especially poetry.
He missed Spike’s touch, his taste, his bite, and his love.
But those things were gone, and all that was left were a few bags of blood and a couple of Sex Pistols CDs. Spike didn’t try to force himself back into Xander’s life, and Xander refused to admit to how much he needed, not just the physicality of their relationship, but the companionship.
~*~*~
No one noticed the time Xander spent at the club at the far end of town. No one noticed that he was rarely sober anymore, and Xander was willing to bet that this was another year that he was going to spend Christmas alone. That thought, coupled with anger at his own inertia (What are you still doing here, Xander?), sent him on a quest to feel better, in any possible way, three days before Christmas.
He was utterly shocked to find Spike in his apartment when he stumbled home that night, reeking of sweat and cologne.
The vampire glowed in the soft light of the string of Christmas lights that hung over the bookcase, and Xander couldn’t resist touching him. He ran his fingers slowly over Spike’s chest and down to his waist feeling little sparks of electricity shoot through his arms.
“Why’re you here, Spi- er, Spa . . . Sparkles?” Xander slurred.
“Some of the potentials wanted to party tonight and they saw you while they were out. They were concerned that you were in trouble. They came to me.” Spike leaned down to smell him and recoiled slightly. “ Th’hell?” Xander’s pheromones were almost visble to the vampire. He looked closely at Xander’s glassy eyes. “Are you on ecstasy, Xander?”
Xander could only nod. The sensation of the vampire’s firm body beneath his shirt had become enchanting to him. Must be a dream, drifted lazily though Xander’s head. If it’s a dream, there’s no harm in taking advantage of it . . .
“Dammit, Harris, I ate a candy kid a few years ago. Din’t like it at all. Developed a fascination with a traffic light and had a vague but persistent urge to brush my hair.” He gave a shudder, temporarily dislodging Xander’s stroking hands. “Stop it, Xan,” he snapped when Xander returned to clinging to him.
Xander turned liquid eyes to the vampire and began mouthing Spike’s neck, whimpering, “Want you . . .” Spike took another long sniff of Xander’s hair and, becoming angry, grabbed the boy by the arms and shook him. “What are you doing Xander? Playing the slut now? This isn‘t you.”
Xander just moaned, seeing white light emanating from Spike and engulfing him in its heat. When Spike released him he slid bonelessly into a heap on the floor, only stirring when Spike turned to leave.
“Sorry . . . need you,” he whispered, sober enough now to hate himself for saying it. When Spike halted, standing above him, he raised himself to his hands and knees, the ultimate posture of submission. “Please?” The word tasted bad in his mouth, but as he said it he felt something inside of him that had been twisted in on itself with denial, finally, release.
Spike nudged him with a booted foot. “Need it that badly, do you?”
Xander nodded, licking dry lips.
Spike sighed and shut his eyes tightly for a minute. “No, you don’t really, Xander.” He waved both of his hands in front of him. “I gave you too much, too fast. You couldn’t handle it, yeah? You aren’t ready to submit, to truly be free.”
Xander just hung his head and let his body sway to the music in his head; he knew that the vampire could read the signs.
Spike sank into a crouch next to him and, tangling his fingers in the dark hair, wrenched Xander’s head up. Xander just breathed, long, heavy breaths.
Spike went very still. “Why are you doing this, Xan? Why get fucked up and whore around at clubs?” Silence save for the rasp of Xander breathing. “Ah.” Spike sat back on his heels and let Xander’s head drop. “Maybe it was too much--but, now it’s not enough.” There was a sharp edge of anger and desire in Spike’s voice now.
And oh, Xander was grateful that he didn’t need to speak as Spike stood back up and glared down at him. “Bedroom,” the vampire hissed as he turned and stalked away.
Xander didn’t trust himself to stand so he crawled behind Spike, sinking deeper into the role with every move.
“Clothes off,” Spike ordered, sitting on the edge of the bed.
Xander complied, slowly removing his clothes, sliding his hands over his own hypersensitive skin.
“Here.” Spike pointed to the floor between his legs, his voice rough.
Xander slithered across the floor and laid his head on the vampire’s thigh. Spike took a moment to run his fingers through the boy’s hair and gently touch the old scar on his neck before guiding Xander’s head toward his crotch. “Blow me.” The unspoken ‘bitch’ hung in the air between them and Xander whimpered as he fumbled with the buttons on Spike’s fly for a moment before freeing Spike’s cock. He took it in his mouth, swallowing around it, deep in his throat. The vampire groaned and thrust hard into Xander’s mouth. “Look at me.” Xander looked up and hummed a little, hollowing his cheeks as he sucked. “Jesus. Xander, listen, do you want a safe word?”
Xander kept his glittering eyes locked on Spike’s, as he slowly shook his head no. You could kill me tonight, motherfucker, and I’d die happy.
Xander cringed as Spike’s fingers dug into his cheeks and then moved to his shoulders. He was surprised when he was pushed away from Spike, but he lay compliant where he fell and gazed questioningly up at the partially clothed blond.
Xander could see Spike’s eyes flicker from blue to gold as the human soul warred with the demon spirit over how badly to hurt him. Xander watched intently; he didn’t want love, he wanted to be savaged, he wanted the physical pain to burn the agony of the love away
He was relieved when the blue faded and the gold replaced it, and Spike’s mouth curved into a hard smile. He went limp when the vampire picked him up and flung him face down on the bed. He felt the mattress give when Spike rested his weight on it and took one quick gasp of air before Spike’s denim-clad knee came down on the back of his neck and the vampire’s hand pushed his face deep into the blanket.
He didn’t have to wait; before he began to struggle to breathe, the vampire landed a bruising blow on his bare ass, then another and another. Xander shrieked into the blanket, choking on the saliva pooling in his mouth. Spike wasn’t holding anything back; he was hitting him with nearly all of his vampiric strength.
The pain slithered through Xander’s body like quicksilver, starting in his back and gathering in his gut before spilling over into his cock which was driven harder and harder against the coarse blanket with every blow.
Xander bit at the blanket and wailed, using the last of his air. He was out of control. He was lying, sprawled naked across his bed, and Spike was hurting him and humiliating him and he was reveling in it. This was what had terrified him about Spike, and about himself. But, there was no fear now as spots began to form behind his eyelids, just hunger, just need. When Spike slid a single spit-slick finger into him and replaced his knee with is mouth, not just biting but devouring, Xander convulsed, shaking, growling and hissing as he came.
His body was completely numb. He felt nothing save for the sticky warmth on his belly and his neck as the world went black.
~*~*~
Xander awoke wrapped in warm blankets and strong, familiar arms. He was sober, thirsty and satiated. He was also embarrassed, and plagued by a lingering sense of futility that always came from these fierce encounters with Spike. Spike gave him intense, unimaginable pleasure, as well as the release that he craved from submission, but he still wasn’t happy. This night had been one of the most powerful, overwhelming experiences of his life. It had confirmed for him that the vampire made him whole through dominance, and that it was one of the reason‘s he loved him. Someday he was going to have to accept that; accept that the part of him that was Alexander had loved Spike for over 300 years, and that love was never going change. It was, perhaps, a timeless love. He would accept himself, he would accept Spike’s claim to him, love for him, and control over him. He would surrender, but not yet.
He stayed; content to lay with Spike without any more sex until morning, when he knew that the vampire would need to get back to the vital business of saving the world.
But, Spike noticed that he was awake and, without speaking, handed him a glass of water from the bedside table. Xander nodded his thanks and sipped gratefully. Spike studied his face while he drank and Xander didn’t look away, not ashamed for once to simply appreciate the vampire’s beauty. Spike seemed to understand the place that he had come to and nodded to himself, taking the water back. Then, Spike kissed him. Spike had been tender with him before, but this was exquisite. It was a gentle melding, a reaffirmation of the bond between them.
Spike rolled onto his back and carried Xander to lie on top of him, kissing the boy’s ears and chin. Xander let his hands drift across the firm, pale chest beneath him, teasing Spike’s nipples with light touches.
As their erections brushed together Xander moaned quietly, not wanted to break the spell, almost satisfied to remain as he was, draped over his lover, his face buried in Spike’s neck.
Spike turned his head and stroked Xander’s hair for a moment, letting the boy relax, before speaking. “Where is it?”
Xander sighed. Oh well, if Spike wanted to fuck him, it was fine. He had no doubt that he would enjoy it one last time. “Drawer.”
The body underneath his shifted slightly as Spike rummaged for the lube. When he had settled back again, though, he seemed to be in no hurry to remove Xander from his chest. Instead he just ran ticklish fingers up and down Xander’s sides, making him wiggle with delight. When Xander had had enough and tried to roll over, Spike stopped him with a gentle hand on his back. Xander stayed, confused, kneeling above the vampire as Spike picked up the lube. He watched, worried, as Spike squeezed the slick into his hand, and then jumped as he felt cold hands on his cock.
“Wha…?” Xander started, but he was shushed by Spike’s finger on his lips. Then Spike was pushing him up off of his legs so that he could spread them apart and rest them, knees bent, on either side of Xander’s thighs, leaving himself open and vulnerable to Xander’s gaze.
The look on Spike’s face said a million things. There was no need for words as Xander leaned over his lover and carefully took the hand that had been on his cock into his own, rubbing what was left of the lube onto his fingers. He never looked away from Spike’s blue eyes when he touched him for the first time, breaching the tight ring of muscle and sliding inside. Spike narrowed his gaze and thrust back onto Xander’s hand, asking silently for more. Xander was breathing hard, the only noise in the bedroom, when he added another finger, moving slowly, trying to do what he knew he liked. It must have worked because Spike’s eyes were mere slits now, and the vampire was working himself harder and harder back onto Xander’s fingers.
Xander experienced a flash of uncertainty. What now? But Spike was already reaching for him, guiding him. Xander didn’t need any more instruction than that and batted Spike’s hand away as he pulled his fingers out of his lover and grasped his hard on. He bent his head to Spike’s, meeting the vampire in an open mouthed kiss as he entered him. Spike was unbelievably tight around him and he struggled to keep his movements slow and controlled. He could feel Spike tense underneath him, and he didn’t know if it was with pain or pleasure. The only sound from his lover was a low hiss when he had fully sheathed himself.
He held still, waiting for Spike’s body to adjust around him, until Spike started to move his hips, grinding his erection against Xander’s stomach. Xander moaned, unable to keep quiet any longer and began to thrust into Spike, long, hard, claiming thrusts. Spike shut his eyes completely then and grabbed Xander’s hips, bruising them with his grip, urging Xander faster. Xander dropped his head to the vampire’s neck and sucked at the soft skin there, determined to leave his own mark, however temporary, on Spike’s flesh. He took the hand that wasn’t supporting him, sought out Spike’s weeping erection and began to stroke it in time with the rhythm of his thrusts.
When Spike felt Xander’s hand on him, he broke his silence only to whisper Xander’s name, almost like a prayer, as he came. It only took two more rough thrusts with Spike’s muscles spasming around him, and Xander came as well, crying out breathlessly, “Oh Jesus. Oh Spike, love, love…. God, love you.”
As Xander lay, incapable of movement, on top of Spike, sweat and tears stinging his eyes, he heard Spike murmur in his ear, “Oidche mhath, balak biodheach, m’annsachd.” There was a feather light touch on his brow and then, “A bheanachd.”*
He knows I‘m leaving, Xander thought, drifting toward sleep.
~*~*~
Spike made him breakfast that next morning, humming a song that was vaguely familiar, lodging itself in Xander’s brain.
The two didn’t speak much. Xander ate his chocolate-chip pancakes and Spike drank his blood in a comfortable silence.
When they were cleaning up, Xander touched Spike gently on the arm to get his attention and the vampire turned weary, sad blue eyes to the boy. “I‘m sorry about everything.” Xander knew that, as an apology, it was woefully inadequate, but the vampire seemed to accept it. “I didn’t mean what I said that night. I love you more than anything, more than it’s actually possible to love someone, I think.”
The vampire nodded. “I love you too, Xan, always will. Never doubt it.”
“I have to go,” Xander murmured.
“I know.”
Xander needed to explain, he couldn’t just leave it at that. “It’s not you, exactly, it’s this place. It’s the Hellmouth. I tried to get away once before but only got as far as Oxnard, y’know?”
Spike nodded.
“You could come with me?” Xander asked, tentatively.
The vampire smiled a little at that. “I don’t think so, luv. You can’t handle me, or the way I make you feel, when you’re right here at home. That’s what you’re really running from.” He touched Xander’s hand, still on his arm. “Besides, I’m needed here, I think.”
Tears swam in Xander’s eyes making it difficult for him to see. He took a deep breath and kissed Spike briefly on the cheek. “ ’K. I understand. The apocalypse and all that.”
Spike smiled and pulled Xander into a hug, pressing their bodies together as if trying to impress Xander’s form on his flesh as a memory.
“Just don’t be a hero,” Xander whispered in Spike’s ear before letting him go.
~*~*~
Later that day, as the sun was setting behind him as he drove away from Sunnydale, Xander remembered what song Spike had been humming. He laughed softly to hide his pain and began to sing.
Now I’ve lost everything
to you
You say you wanna start
something new
And it’s breaking my
heart you’re leavin’
Baby, I’m grievin’
But if you wanna leave,
take good care
Hope you have a lotta
nice things to wear
But then a lotta nice
things turn bad out there
Oh baby, baby, it’s a
wild world
It’s hard to get by just
upon a smile
Oh, baby baby it’s a
wild world
I’ll always remember
you like a child*
~Finis~
_________________________________
*Oidche mhath, balak biodheach, m’annsachd- Goodnight, beautiful boy, my best beloved.
A bheanachd- My blessing.
*Xander’s rendition of Cat Steven’s Wild World.