NewsRadio
"Stocks"
Mr. James : That's the kind of boundless optimism that earned the Donner party their place in history.
Lisa : Where does everybody get the idea that I'm some sort of office-supply whore?
Beth : I thrive on bad advice.
Bill : That explains the hairdo.
Mr. James : The market can be a cruel mistress.
Beth : Well, so can I. But that's not how I choose to make my money anymore.
Matthew : You know, in Japan they've got all kinds of things to eat.
Bill : Yeah, I know, Matthew, it's called Chinese food.
Beth : Doesn't he wonder how the candy got there?
Mr. James : No, I think in Matthew's world candy elves are a common occurance.
"President"
Mr. James : How was Ohio?
Dave : Wisconsin, sir.
Mr. James : Same thing.
Dave : Well, sir, the heartland appreciates your respect.
(a few lines later)
Mr. James : Dave, I'm trying to be polite here. Ohio. Let's have it.
Mr. James : Lisa, I am a cipher. A cipher wrapped in an enigma smothered in secret sauce.
Bill : Your confusing thesis has captured my attention. Tell me more.
Dave : You baffle me, sir.
Catherine (to Matthew) : Being a black woman in this country has made things a bit harder for me. Now, I can't change the way I look, nor would I want to. But you, you're young, you're white, you're male...now, honey, why you wanna flush all that down the toilet by making yourself look like Freddie Mercury stuck in 1980?
Beth : Matthew was carrying it around, and I thought you were going for the Teddy Roosevelt look.
Mr. James : Yeah, well, the Teddy Roosevelt look I like, it's the "he might just be a redneck" vibe that scares me.
Lisa : Well, yes, they're all decent people at heart, but when a man throws his hat into the ring it is my duty as a journalist to make him my bitch.
"Massage Chair"
Dave : So Spartacus here speaks for everyone?
"Stinkbutt"
Dave : Sir, aren't you going to introduce me to your beeyatch?
Dave : What's the problem?
Lisa : Matthew is still out there.
Dave : Granted, but that's a problem we have to deal with every day of the week.
Mr. James : Don't you want to know why I came in the window?
Dave : No, I want to know why you shaved your beard off!
Matthew : Dave, do you know what your problem is?
Dave : I know what one of my problems is.
Mr. James : I didn't know coming out of an elevator was so dangerous.
Jack Frost : Well, everything's dangerous when you look at it with enough paranoia.
Max : If that guy's a security consultant, then I'm a virgin.
(pause)
That means he's not a security consultant!
Max : Can I tell you a story?
Mr. James : Is it about why you fight like a little girl?
Max : No. That is a long and painful story. Ask me some other time.
"Arcade"
Lisa : I should have known that faster.
Dave : No, you shouldn't have known it at all.
Bill : I rescued as many as I could, but I just didn't have enough change!
Dave : Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation for me to just run away from you?
"Towers"
Dave : Matthew, you've never worn a suit a day in your life. And you've never been trained.
Dave : I don't think root beer counts as a brewski.
Matthew : I spent the first thirty years of my life playing by the rules. Now it's payback time.
Mr. James : Clark Kent was a reporter but he didn't go around blabbing to everybody he was Superman, did he?
Lisa : Well, sir, that's why the Daily Planet folded.
"Flowers for Matthew"
Joe : Relax, dude. It's not like I'm testing cosmetics on him.
Dave : Sure, not anymore.
Matthew : I even understand National Public Radio now.
Dave : You actually understand every word they say?
Matthew : No, I understand that it's boring crap masquerading as bourgeois intellectual discourse and therefore not worth my time.
"The Big Day"
Dave : For God's sake, Beth, were you raised by truckers?
Bill : This idea is both fair and democratic.
Dave : Yes, it is.
Bill : And I want no part of it. It reeks of communism.
"Goofy Ball"
Mr. James : So, you two kids having an affair?
Dave : Apparently so, sir.
Mr. James : Don't mess with the man with the Wayback machine, Dave; I can make it so that you were never born.
"The Cane"
Bill : It's just like that saying, "everyone loves a cane".
"Rat Funeral"
Dave : I've got plenty of heart.
Bill : Said the tin man to the wizard.
Dave : I just wanted to thank you for your advice.
Bill : Oh, you took up smoking?
"Xmas Story"
Dave : I hate to say it, but it is the thought that counts.
Matthew : Yeah, and these are the result of a really cheap, crappy thought.
"Award Show"
Dave : I trust, as usual, Bill speaks for nobody but himself.
Joe : Dude, you the man.
Dave : That's good, right?
"Hair"
Dave : Joe is trying to hypnotize Mr. James to cure him of his fear of hippies.
Lisa : I thought that was what pot was for.
"Rose Bowl"
Dave : And now you're obsessed with appearing not to be obsessed, which would be a delightful conundrum if it wasn't so maddening!
"4:20"
Bill : Are you challenging my constitutional right to make nude phone calls?
Matthew : Do you think it's gonna make me happy to hear you yelling (girly voice) "stop! stop stop stop, for the love of Pete, oh my god, stop it!"
Dave : That was different.
Lisa : Why?
Dave : Well, for one thing, he was a guy, and he was convinced I was gay, and he brought his mother down to the station and introduced me as his "boss-slash-husband".
Lisa : But it was still flattering, wasn't it?
Dave : Oh, lord, yes.
Bill : Are you sitting down?
Dave : No.
Bill : Good, because here it comes.
Third Rock from the Sun
Sally : It's just those two little eyes in the middle of their heads. Makes them look like they're up to something.
Sally : I've been wined and dined before, but I've never been donutted.
Frasier
"Dinner at Eight"
Frasier (about Daphne) : She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
"A Lilith Thanksgiving"
Lilith : Perhaps before the interview you should sheathe that butterknife-sharp wit of yours.
Lilith : This may be the most important thing we've ever done to ensure his happiness.
Frasier : Not counting our divorce.
"My Coffee With Niles"
Frasier : I asked Dad to pass me a bran muffin at breakfast, and do you know what he said ? "What's the magic word?"
Niles : You're kidding!
Frasier : He didn't think it was so amusing when I said "rest home".
(when Niles gets his coffee)
Frasier : What about mine?
waitress : There's a team of specialists working on it.
"My Fair Frasier"
Daphne (about Frasier's new girlfriend) : Maybe she's had her fill of attractive men and is ready for a change.
Babylon 5
"Z'Ha'Dum"
G'kar : All of life can be broken down into moments of transition or moments of revelation. This had the feeling of both.
The Nanny
"The Dummy Twins"
CC : Did I interfere with you and Maxwell? Did I push you two together?
Fran : No, you just pushed me in front of a bus.
CC : Once. And I apologized.
"The Hannukah Story"
Fran : Tonight's the first night of Hannukah and we're celebrating as a family. Max knows how important this is to me.
Mr. Sheffield : (walking through the kitchen) Well, I'm off to Boston.
Sammy : Oooh, I hope that wasn't Max.
Fran : You should have told me this sooner.
Mr. Sheffield : But I did. I told you last Wednesday. You were watching Chicago Hope.
Fran : Never tell me anything while I'm in the middle of a transgender surgery!
"A Kiss is Just a Kiss"
Maggie : Sean, you can't tell me what to do. You don't own me.
Mr. Sheffield : That's right. I do.
CC : Oh, Niles, if you don't tell me I'll just die.
Niles : You say it but you don't mean it.
CC : My mental health is just a sick game to you, isn't it?
"Your Feet are Too Big"
CC : Fortunately, the Babcock women always age gracefully.
Niles : Well, you've always been a rebel.
Fran : I'm not going anywhere until I've got a house in Great Neck, a couple of kids, and a husband waiting outside the Loehmann's dressing room.
Mr. Sheffield : You see, she'll be here forever.
"Fran's Gotta Have It"
Niles : How does Mr. Sheffield keep in shape?
Fran : Running from commitment.
The Simpsons
"Homer the Heretic"
Rod Flanders : Dad, the heathen is getting away!
"Moaning Lisa"
Marge : Push your feelings down, way down, past your knees, until you're standing on them. Then people will like you.
"Lisa's Rival"
Mrs. Hoover : Anyone but Lisa?
(Ralph raises his hand)
Ralph, is this about your cat?
(Ralph puts his hand down dejectedly)
"The Springfield Files"
Homer : Now, son, you don't want beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.
(scene cuts back in after Bart says he'll tell a scary story)
Bart : And that is how much college will cost for Maggie.
Homer : No! No! NOOO!
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