Home Directory Framed?

Stalked by Martha Stewart

Threatening note in letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears and they're all the same size and font and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

On her show she makes a gingerbread house looking exactly like yours including the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

Pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

Unmistakable potpourri aroma follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

Place setting includes an oyster fork.

You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

Twice this week you're the victim of a drive-by doilying.

Napkins folded into swans.

Lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

American ad slogans in foreign languages

* SPANISH

Braniff slogan "Fly in Leather" means "Fly Naked."

Coors slogan "Turn It Loose" means "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken" means "A sexually stimulated man makes chickens affectionate."

Parker Pens slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" means "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"... "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

Chevy Nova = "No Va" means "Won't Go."

MENSA = stupid (gender female)

* GERMAN

Bacardi fruity drink "Pavian" to suggest French chic... "pavian" means "baboon."

Vicks cough drops: German pronunciation of v is f - guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Clairol Mist Stick curling iron - mist is slang for manure.

Puffs tissues - "Puff" is colloquial for whorehouse.

CHINESE

Pepsi slogan "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" means "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

First Coca-Cola shipped to China was named something pronounced like "Coca-Cola." Characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole," later changed to characters for "Happiness In The Mouth."

Gerber baby food introduced in Africa used the same packaging as in the USA with the cute baby on the label. African companies routinely put pictures on the label of what actually is inside the container since most people can't read.

Jolly Green Giant in Arabic: "Intimidating Green Ogre."

Children's Books Nat'l Library Assoc Rejects
Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
Hardy Boys, Bobsey Twins and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides
Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
Babar becomes a Piano
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
David Duke's World of Imagination
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Legends of Scab Football
Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales 
     But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them
Start a Real-Estate Empire with change from Mom's Purse
Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will
Draw Betty and Veronica naked
Care Bears Mauling Campers are Shot Dead
The Little Sissy Who Told

Why Not to Buy Someone's Used Sofa
Owner says:
"That stain was the best $50 I ever made."
"You've had your shots?"
"You find any fingers in there pack 'em in ice and call us."
"It's almost dry but you may need to wring the cushions out."
"A present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery."
"It fell off a truck. Least I figure it did. We found it by the highway."
"You can have those Fritos."
"Non-flammable unless you really try."
"It should be clean. We hosed it off."
"Watch that spring. It gave me some nasty scars."
"Floats for nearly an hour."
"You like the smell of beer, don't you?"
"Not supposed to fold out but it will if you push hard enough."
"Olive and orange were popular colors back then."
"It used to be a lot longer."
"You'll need the brick to keep it level unless you've got a saw."
"AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."
"Don't smoke near it."
"You can hardly tell where they threw up."
"Fire hardly touched this side."
"It only smells this way when it's humid."

Large red tag marked "Evidence".
Cushions crawl away.
Fabric on the back was repaired with a "Rebel And Proud" bumper sticker.
Owner asks you to sign a waiver.
What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to be moving.
It was dragged several miles on its side.
Owner frequently scratches himself.
Owner won't sit on or touch it.
A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".
It has its own nickname.
Over a dozen people know its nickname.
Over 100 people know its nickname from a local news story.
Armrest drink holder made with hacksaw, torch, and gluegun.
Mushrooms growing on the back.
It generates its own heat.
Stuffing protrudes from bullet holes.
Cushions have more duct tape than vinyl.
It growls when you sit on it.
Faint ammonia smell.
Integral structure parts replaced with garden hoe, 
  flasher barricade, railroad crossing drop gate.
Bottom covered with asphalt and/or straw.
Coin slot on the armrest.
Labels in various spots say "No Step".
Owner picks things off of it and tastes them.
Spray-painted its present color.
Scampering noises inside.

Owner throws in a free:
can of Lysol
can of Raid
flyswatter
flea collar
ant trap
vial of penicillin

Under the cushions you find:
half a bottle of ketchup
empty shotgun shells
an entire squirrel skeleton
Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
1939 World's Fair ticket stubs
used prophylactics
1972 Dodge muffler 

Least Encouraging News
Parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
They say the house didn't float very far.
We're all inspired that you go on living each day.
Operation left you 20 pounds lighter.
Roaches hardly touched your other eyebrow.
With lights out it looks almost normal.
Jim Rose wants you for his show.
Reward for your capture reaches $50,000.
Surgeons want pictures.
Thieves left the lawn gnomes.

Lies, Lies - Top Corporate Lies
We never pay later than 60 days, even in extreme circumstances.
90 days is the absolute limit our Accounting Dept lets payments lag.
We'll catch up on our overdue invoices by the end of the fiscal year.
I'm sorry you don't remember promising me that raise while 
  you danced on top of the table at the Christmas party, but...
We've never had an account outstanding for 120 days before.
I don't work here for money. I believe in what we do.
I'm a consultant. I'm here to help you.
We pay vendors within 30 days.
I never got your fax / e-mail.
FedEx tracking is not infallible.
Now, I'll tell it to you straight...
Your computer is supposed to make that noise.
Of course, the report is done...
I don't have the authority...
That's not my department.
It's the computer's fault.
It's Personnel's fault.
It's the economy's fault.
Would I lie to you?

Things You Hate To Hear From Your Boss

Wild laughter when you ask for a raise.

"I hope you don't mind my taking credit for your idea."

As you're working to finish a rush project on time while he reads the Wall Street Journal: "Would you get me a cup of coffee while you're up?"

"This is Marty, the newest member of our team. She's sharing your tiny cubicle with you a while."

"I'm sorry you prepaid your 3-day vacation. Monday's not a company holiday and you've used all your vacation days for this year."

Calling from behind his closed office door (thankfully): "Cancel all my appointments this morning. I spilled coffee on my suit. I'll have to work naked until it and my underwear dries."

After days of trying to convince your boss to let you leave early just once for a dental appointment, and having your requests denied: "I need you to wrap up around four today and give me a lift to pick up my Porsche. I'm getting new racing tires on it."

Friday afternoon before your vacation: "You don't mind working late tonight, do you?"

"Have you updated your resume lately?"

Any sentence beginning with: "Due to company cutbacks..."

Signs computers are female

As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

Even your smallest mistakes are committed to memory for future reference.

The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

The message "Bad Command or File Name" is as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I certainly won't tell you".

As soon as you make a commitment to one you spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Signs Your Computer is Possessed

Instead of flying appliances your screen saver shows horned demons torturing your immediate family.

The monitor spins and spews pea soup when you visit the Vatican website. Throws priests out of Windows.

Bill Gates Screen Saver eyes follow your every move.

Hard disk crashes if Pat Robertson e-mails you.

Green slime oozing out of keyboard again and your kid hasn't used it in weeks.

Tech support crew brings Norton Utilities and a crucifix.

Logo says: "Satan Inside."

No matter what URL you type in, your browser opens www.hell.com.

Contrary to the startup screen, you're fairly certain Microsoft hasn't released Windows666 yet.

Signs Technology Has Taken Over Your Life

Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. You concede that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

You never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device you carry beep or buzz.

You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there's no typewriters in your house, only computers with laser printers.

You call office gadgets "friends" but forget your father's birthday card.

You disdain people who use low baud rates.

In computer stores you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and butt in to correct him and spend the next 20 minutes answering the customers' questions while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

You say "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels.

You're constantly with people to whom you say "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean. You're not surprised or disappointed you don't have to explain it.

You know Bill Gates' e-mail address but you have to look up your social security number.

You replace "phone number" with "voice number" since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

You sign Christmas cards with :-) next to your signature.

Off the top of your head you can think of 19 keystroke symbols far more clever than :-)

You back up your data every day.

Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

On vacation you read a computer manual and turn pages faster than people reading John Grisham.

The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

You can argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than "information superhighway" but you don't because Perot still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However you can't give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

You prefer more dots per inch to miles per gallon.

You're upset when a person calls you to sell you something but it's OK for a computer to call and demand you push buttons on your phone for more information about the product it's selling.

You know without doubt disks come in 5 1/4 and 3 1/2 inch sizes.

Al Gore intrigues you.

You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and actually know where they are.

While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a 9-year-old.

You're so knowledgeable about technology you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your car's tires.

You have a functioning home copier machine but every toaster you own turns bread to charcoal.

You end friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: track ball or track pad.

You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, you lie under a tree and write haiku. And don't use a laptop.

You email this message to friends online. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them by phone. You probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

Rita Rudner's facts about men

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he's serious. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on TV he thinks it helps his team if he concentrates. If the team is in trouble he coaches the players from our living room. If they're really in trouble I have to get off the phone in case they call him. Want attention? Don't get involved with a man during playoffs. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

Men like phones with lots of buttons and watches with multiple functions. It makes them feel important. My husband's watch is a combination address book, telescope and piano. If you buy him a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

"We need to talk about our relationship" strikes fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. If a man says "I'll call you" and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, say "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

If a man builds a fire and the last log won't burn he takes it personally. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private. In public they have to know. Men love to be first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being first is upsetting to their psyches. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Men think they're nice guys. Some men aren't. Contact me for a list of names. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant wished he could be Cary Grant.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man. They're portable heaters that snore.

Women take clothes much more seriously than men. I never see a man walk into a party and say "Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed, get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." Men have an easier time buying swim suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's dept is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

Only men who ever wore a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to use the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. When a woman tries on clothes from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he assumes the clothes shrank. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

If you're dating a man you think might be Mr. Right if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) saw a psychiatrist, you're in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Four or more men together talk about sports. Four or more women together talk about men.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. Men would still really like to own a train set.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Men forget everything. Women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They already forgot what happened.

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY

Phone conversations end in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is almost always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Bathroom lines 80% shorter.
You can open your own jars.
Friends don't complain if you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
Clicking through channels you don't stall on shots of someone crying.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You don't have to lug bags of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why Stripes is funny.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
Your work criticized you don't have to panic that everyone hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
Extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You're showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Someone who forgets to invite you to something is still your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
National College Cheerleading Championship
Co-workers can't make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
3 pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Foreplay is optional.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you enter the room.
You can take your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
You're never compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
You and your buddy watch a game in silence without thinking: He's mad at me.
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's leaving you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Never having to drive to another gas station because this one's too skeevy.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
Same work....more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room for an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't care if someone talks about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm per shot you could double Earth's population 
     in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN sports center.
Dropping by to see a friend without bringing a gift.
Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, 
     he won't tell your friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit 
     you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Never having to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think punting a small dog is funny.
If something mechanical won't work 
     you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
You don't have to remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them.
Friends won't trap you with: "So...    notice anything different?"
Baywatch
Always a game on somewhere.

Advertising Terms Defined
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory's big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

Actual classified ads

For sale: quilted high chair that converts to table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat size 8, and fur collar.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Whatever your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

Superb, inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Seen everything in Paris? Visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable lots of women wear nothing else.

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business and be willing to get hands dirty.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross, salary.

Superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

Experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, smacks included.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.

Lost poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We don't tear your clothes by machine. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale. 8 puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Grandmother's dresses in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Stock up and save. Limit one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: rectory chambermaid. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our bikinis are exciting. They're simply the tops.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

US Air Force Issues
Maintenance complaints from pilots and replies from maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Groucho Marx

Who do you believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. You don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot.
   Don't let that fool you... He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll gladly make an exception.

A child of 5 could understand this. Fetch me a child of 5.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down
   I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I'll read it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a 4-year-old boy glad to get rid of it.



Front desk: If you're grouchy, irritable or just plain mean 
I charge $10 for putting up with you.

Exhibit booth: We oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

Eat American Lamb. 10 million coyotes Can't Be Wrong.

The pool is for everybody. Last one using it please put it away.

Trailer transporting sheep: Ewe Haul.

Parking for drive-thru customers only.

Laundromat: Throw in the Towel. After washing, remove your clothes.

Sod company: We just keep rolling a lawn.

Church billboard: Stop in and try one of our Sundays.
Win a trip to Paradise: Details Inside.

Credit-card company: Accepted at more colleges than you were.

Stealth bomber: If you can read this we wasted $50 billion.

Road wet when raining.

EVER NOTICE

in movies when someone buys something they never wait for change?

price & worth mean the same thing but priceless & worthless are opposites?

when people say, "I want to share this with you," it's never money?

the harder it is to read a menu the higher the prices on it are?

If 99.9% were good enough

880,000 credit cards with incorrect information on their magnetic strips.

3056 copies of today's Wall Street Journal without one of the 3 sections.

114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes shipped per year.

A day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)

18,322 pieces of mail mishandled per hour.

2.5 million books shipped with the wrong covers.

315 Webster's Dictionary words misspelled.

5.5 million cases of soda go flat.


Things get any better I'll hire someone to help me enjoy it

Butter my butt and call me a biscuit

When you wake up your clothes will be outta style

This'll jar your preserves

Cute as a sack of puppies

Gooder than grits

So dry, trees bribe dogs

Hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch

Wintery roads slicker than otter snot

FIGHT BACK! Don't get pushed around

Don't let things end this way. Tell them I said something. - Pancho Villa

People wonder why they didn't like my PR skills enough to hire me.

You're shiny happy evil people, not like the Mafia.

Is immediately today or is immediately tomorrow?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion is...?

Now I stand up and collapse.

Do I look like a people person?

Sarcasm is one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You!... Off my planet!

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

The Bible was written by people who said Earth was flat.

Errors were made. Others will be blamed.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Whatever kind of look you're going for, you missed.

Suburbia tears out trees and names streets after them.

Today was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

These your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I have a computer and pizza delivery. Why leave home?

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Meandering to a different drummer.



REMEMBER ME?
- Not from the front
- Got any old photos of yourself?

IF YOU ASK ME
- Nobody does. Not needed, unrewarding
- If I didn't you'd still tell me?
- I won't. I'll find you somebody who will
- Not tonight, I have a headache

WHAT DO YOU DO?
- Nothing. I'm too busy
- Not allowed to talk about it, get us both in trouble
- Rocket scientist
- As well as expected
- As little as possible
- Car wash lifeguard

NOBODY'S PERFECT
- Except me
- Wonder why
- Explains everything
- Now he tells me

DO IT YOURSELF
- You do it better
- Miss stimulating conversation
- I'm superstitious

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
- Hoping you won't notice
- With you it don't matter

I WOULDN'T IF I WERE YOU
- Think of the excitement you'd miss
- Hope you don't
- I know how

HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?
- Different ways. I like this one
- Practice

YOU MEAN THAT?
- Must be slipping. I always used to mean it
- I could of swore I did

TAKE THAT BACK
- Pity. It fit perfect

I HEARD THAT
- You were meant to
- What did it sound like?

DON'T GET SMART WITH ME
- 

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
- You expect me to think about it?
- Annoying you. It works?
- Too fast for you?
- I give up. What?
- Fine. You?

I'M INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?
- I don't know. What were you doing?
- Not yet

YOUR HUSBAND'S HERE WITH YOU?
- Somebody has to stay home with the goldfish
- He didn't tell me

YOUR WORK'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN US?
- Our relationship is my work. I go to the office for fun
- Put that in a memo
- Pays better

WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS?
- I'm friends with lots of people
- Happier if we're contemporaries instead

DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?
- As much as I ever did
- STILL? You believe stuff I told you?
- You're the 3 rd person ask me that today

YOU'RE DOING ANYTHING THURSDAY NIGHT?
- I never do anything, not even Thursday night
- First Thursday in January maybe
- Bingo night

YOU HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK
- Enough for what?

HOPE YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON
- That's your wish. You have 2 more

DISGUSTING HABIT
- I knew you'd like it
- Why it's popular

I TOLD YOU SO
- No wonder people line up to hear your advice
- You should of told somebody who listen to you
- Put it in writing
- Go for hat trick?

YOU ASKED FOR IT
- I only asked for part of it. The rest is ad lib
- Must of asked nicely
- Recently?

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
- I have to be somebody to talk to you?
- I must be somebody. I get lots of mail
- Napoleon
- God
- Nobody you heard of

GO TO HELL
- You mean this isn't it?
- What's it like there this time of year?

YOU'RE JOKING
- You say so. Hear the one about -
- Guess again

ANYBODY EVER TELL YOU -
- 

CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?
- I'd be with you if I could?
- I never had to

Why Didn't I Say That? Donald Carroll, 1980, published by Franklin Watts