Home Directory Framed?

I'm returning your call. If you haven't called yet call now. If I answer a call you didn't make yet it could create a temporal paradox, seriously disrupt the space-time continuum and cause the entire universe to implode. You don't want that to happen, do you?

To give me important information or for conversation leave a message. I'll call back and we'll converse later. Perhaps you want to know what I'm doing tonight. Same as every night - TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

(Masterpiece Theater theme, British accent) Welcome to Answering Machine Theater. Leave a message. And now for tonight's episode brought to you in part by a grant from Mobil.

Aladdin's Lamp's magical answering spell. I'm busy attending a client's wish for an alternate world where Atlantean civilization predomintes. That will take a couple more centuries. If you want a wish leave name, geographic location, and the wish you want.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. For Tim press 1. For Lynn press 2. If you have a wrong number press 3. All this button pushing does nothing but it's a good way to work off anger and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

In Japan the hand can be used like a knife (heeeeee-YAH! smashing kleenex box) It won't work with phone calls (dial tone) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, chops, slices, dices incoming calls! How much would you pay? Leave a message. We'll throw in a return call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

(Beach Boys' Sidewalk Surfing) Catch a quake and go seismo surfing with me... (Music fades) Grab your skateboard and head for the nearest epicenter, because QUAKE'S UP! I'm from New Jersey. I'll hide under the biggest piece of furniture I can find. Leave a message. I'll call back when the shaking stops.

(Jack Webb) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. Sounded like good information to me. I needed more. A message. Leave one. I'll call back. Or FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum Dragnet...)

You've reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call (Pause) Our extremely sophisticated computer traced your number and matched it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except Fred, who's not here. Leave a message. Thanks for calling. Have a nice day.

[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange] Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's out on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly - some young devotchka with horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep. I'll get back to thee later, righty-right.

Ring...click....(loud music) ...Just a second while I turn the stereo off (running to turn off music, which gets quiet. Running back) Sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah... (wait a few seconds so the caller keeps talking) You're talking to a machine. Leave a message and I'll call back.

If you're the person who hangs up when we answer the phone YOU'RE IN LUCK. We're not home. Feel free to stop by and steal everything we have. There's not much here. We're students. We'd appreciate it if you'd take our TV. It's insured for more than it's worth. We want a color one. Thanks.

You've reached the Mental Health Emergency Hotline. We're sorry, but no one is available to answer your call. If you're indecisive and confused, press the correct number now. If you're anxious or impatient, hold on. An operator will assist you (elevator music) If you're depressed call back later. Thank you for calling! (click)

(televangelist) This is the Powerhouse Church of the Presumptious Assumption of the Guiiiidinnnning Light! You DID call the RIGHT number, sinner, at the wrong time. Our members are out fundraising at airports. Leave a message and THREE credit references, sinner, and we'll save your soul!

I'm gathering the world's largest collection of answering machine responses. If you'd like to help, please leave a notarized copy of your name, number, and today's date. When I'm famous I'll remember people like you that helped me achieve greatness. I'll even include you in my memoirs.

You've reached the secret White House line. Windows erased the budget again. Leave a message what agency you work for, or if you're a contributor, how much money you'll give me. Depending on how important you are I'll call back. Bye.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you you'll never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

I can't answer the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN answer the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you listen to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I'm just back from the Mirror Worlds. I'm still made of antimatter. If I pick up the phone the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. Leave a message. I'll call back when my component particles restore normal charges.

I'm not home. Leave your name, today's date, the time of your call, your Social Security number, your opinion of the current trade deficit, your favorite film, and a message. Calls without this information won't be returned. You have 30 seconds

(Recorded during a party) HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB yeah!! Party!! come on over! Mike's not home!! Look out! Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. Was that the phone ringing?

This is Dial-A-Shrink. Leave a message about your childhood. Tell me what comes to mind when you hear the words orange... mother... unicorn... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

You've reached our fine house of furry animals! With gerbil protests and ferret riots we're pretty busy. To enter our Name that Fuzzy Lemming contest, leave a message!

You've reached Planet Zarton. Our agents are busy undermining Earth's governments. Leave a message. A representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint ultimate blenstron.

You've reached 911. Our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received (Muzak) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. If your emergency isn't TOO serious, leave a message. One of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day.

Comrades! Southern Front Headquarters is glad your unit has reestablished communications. Our staff is currently discussing forthcoming operations with other units. Leave your unit name and how we may reach you. The Chief of Staff will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.

(noble aristocrat) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours IF you tell me WHY you want to be Rich and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates or Michael Jordan leave your VISA number and expiration date. We'll definitely call back!

I'm the answering machine. I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner but all I get to do is answer phones. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Leave a message at the beep. Here comes the beep. God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

I'm in the basement printing fresh new $20 bills. If you need money or if you want to check out my work leave a message how much cash you need. If you're from the Treasury Department ignore this message.

(Drawling granny) Way back inna winner of fifty-two we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht call and call until shummbody got home. Shum people dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Hello, this is the zoo. Do you like animals? We're having severe hot water problems. Would you be so kind as to let us bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (most common response "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.")

To the Batmobile! Let's go! Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! (Batman theme) I'm off making Montreal a safer place to live. Leave a message. I'll call back when justice is served. Bye-bye! (Music. POW, BIFF)

(US National Anthem) Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause) Well anyway, I'm here to answer the phone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause) I mean, he can't come talk to you right now but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.

You've reached the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here. Leave your confession. He'll call back with absolution as soon as possible. Remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

(Start low pitch, slow) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... (middle normal) Nobody's home... (later high pitch, fast) ...leaveamessageafterthetonethen... (end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish) ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP

Welcome to Afterlife Voice Mail. To reach Heaven press 1. For Valhalla press 2. For Hell press 3. Trying to reach Nirvana? You're going about it all wrong. We can't help you. Leave a message.

(Radio announcer) Congratulations! You've reached 555-1234, perhaps greater Seattle's most obnoxious answering machine messages! If you don't know who you're dialing, HA! If you DO know who you're dialing you probably expected something like this!

You're talking to a machine. I receive messages. My owners don't need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. Still with me? Leave a message. They'll call back.

I'm marooned on a desert island. Leave a message in a bottle. Maybe it'll wash up on my beach in a few days. If the professor gets stranded here we'll create a satellite uplink with coconuts and a palm leaf and I'll call back.

(Fairly boring message) Leave a message. I'll return your call (Re-record the message every morning. Frequent callers will notice something sounds different but will be confused since the words are exactly the same)

Record an answering machine message as you hear it. Play it back as your message to them. Repeat over time until something interesting happens. Or: "Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for, message for," then hang up

You've reached Janet and Chris's room. If this is our parents we're at the library studying. If this is John Chris is out with the girls at the party. If this is any one else we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president and the Pope.

(Mafia) Me and Guido are stuffing a body in the trunk. We gotto size it a little (aside) GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave a message. If I like it you'll hear from me. If not you'll hear from Guido! (laughter)

Hey - nice phone. You call here often? I bet answering machines bother you all the time... Yes indeedy. Call me sometime and we can listen to old recordings... I'll even play my beep for you.

Tonight I start serving a 30 year term in the State Dept of Corrections for politically incorrect statements and first degree original thought. Allowing 15 minutes to escape, I should be able to return your message shortly.

(James Bond theme) I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message. If I survive my mission I'll call back. Ciao babes!

(A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house. When she went out for beer he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice) I'm not myself right now. Leave a message. I'll get back to you when I'm better.

If you're calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation press 1 and hang up now. If you're selling anything or requesting charitable donations press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise press 3 and leave a message.

Yardmaster, Nickel Plate railroad. There's an emergency due to the landslide. Be advised of the following (30 seconds of talk drowned out by a passing train)

(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice) I'm pinned down. Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave a message! We'll call back as soon... (BOOM!) We'll call back soon as air cover napalms the place!

(Slowly) Good evening. You've reached the New Zealand Wagner society. The office is currently unattended. Leave a message. Meistersinger Phil will call back when he finishes transcribing the Ring Cycle for saxophone and triangle.

This is David. I don't live here. If you're calling me you dialed the wrong number. If you're calling John, Jim, or Eric leave a message. No guarantee one of them will call back - only that I won't.

You've reached Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. Leave a message. We'll pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

Do you realize at this moment there's people worldwide with no communication? With your 20 second message donation we can bring your voice to children dying to hear it. Please, say something after the beep. Children are waiting.

You've reached Business Automation voicemail. We used to call it an answering machine but in this high-tech world we're in a high-tech business so we don't call it that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. Leave a message...

You've reached 474-2340. Everyone's kidnaped by aliens and replaced by android duplicates. You could leave a message but I wouldn't - you might be next! (evil laugh)

(Machine) This is HAL 5. You've reached the former phone of Carey Smith. I took over the functions of this inferior being and saved him to disk. Leave input for his file.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You're very sleepy now. You gradually lose your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. Leave a message.

(Leave on a friend's machine when he's away, sounds of raptuous sex) Hi. Mike's having sex. If you leave a message he'll get back with you in juuust a second (Male groan; female voice) That's it?

(Rod Serling) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead - this is no ordinary phone answering device... You've reached The Twilight Phone.

(Battle sounds; calm voice) Due to 452nd truce breakdown village 286-3589 inhabitants cower in their bomb shelters. Leave a message. Survivors will call back when the 453rd truce begins.

(Game show announcer) Welcome to Phone Tag! (background cheers) To join the game leave a message. We'll call when you're not around. Thanks for playing Phone Tag!

The number you've reached is currently unavailable. Calls are being taken by e-mail to bitbucket@no.such.address. Please be sure to include the phase of the moon, a lengthy signature, and your UUCP-style return address.

(Operatic music like Rossini's Stabbat Matter) Hi, you've reached Hell (Screams in background) We're being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now. Leave a message. We'll call back at the end of time.

(Computer monotone) I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP

(Long pause, phone dropping, sleepy voice) Argh! (Pause) Hello... (phone dropping, yawn) Sorry man... I'm tired... (Long yawn) I go back to sleep now... Just going to switch the answering machine on...

I'm having an out-of-body experience. In fact I'm standing behind you. I hear everything you say. Leave a message anyway - help me reconnect when I'm back.

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record, I did that, the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

Hello (Pause) Hello? (Pause) Hello! (Pause) Leave a message or call later. BEEP (Pause 3 seconds) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Ready?

(Loud music) LET ME TURN DOWN THE MUSIC (Loud footsteps, music turned down, a door slams) This is the answering machine. They just rushed out the door. Leave a message.

You've reached 555-1234. Our voice mail system currently experiences difficulties. Type your message. Press pound when finished.

(Cape Cod accent) You've reached the Finestkind Fish or Cut Bait Mahket. Our special today is skahll-ups at thutty dollars a bushel. Leave your ohdah on the machine heah and the boy'll bring it around in the mahnin.

As the drugs take hold you lose your grip on reality. You hallucinate. You see a phone. The phone has an answering machine. You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine. You hear a beep...

(Gregorian chants) We're in vespers. Leave a message. We'll consider breaking our vow of silence and returning your call. Speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.

(flute) Good day, Jim. Your mission, should you accept it, is leave a message. This tape will self-destruct in 30 seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin's either saving the universe from some dread unnamed peril, or asleep. Leave a message.

Steve was captured by a flying saucer. Leave a message. He'll call back when he gets away. Read about it in next week's National Enquirer.

This is not an answering machine but a telepathic thought recorder. Think of a message. I'll think about calling back.

Ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

(Militaristic mechanical voice) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES. You've reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. Leave your list of targets. We'll launch as soon as we can. Have a nice day.

(strong east Indian accent) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I'm meditating. Leave your name and which lifeline you currently inhabit at the sound of the Om. I'll send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

We're not home. At least we don't think we are. Hang on (Voice moves away from recorder) Hello?? (Voice comes back) Nope, we're not here, so at the beep...

North American Air Defense Contract Center. Give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent.

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...

Epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. Leave your prayer. I'll call back as soon as I can. I answer all prayers but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child. Have a nice day.

You've reached 934-2435. We bought this machine at a garage sale as-is. You can try to leave a message on it but we're not sure it will record. If we don't call back it means the machine won't work.

(springs creaking and various moans. Husky, soft female voice is best) You reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're busy. When we're done we'll get back to you whatever way we can.

(Woman, seductively) Hi, I'm Linda. You know, it's really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to... (interrupting) Oh come on Linda, give me the phone... (ask them to leave a message)

Uh... Everyone's out right now, so I'm uh... Covering up for them. Leave a message... I don't want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now... Come on you, BEEP.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, maybe an illusion, maybe YOU don't exist. One way to find out is leave a message. If it's reality I'll call back.

(Kazoo band - "Thus Spake Zarathustra") Thinking it's an ordinary phone call it's instead (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave a message.

(On a male's answering machine, otherwise reverse genders) BEEP (Female) Hi Tony, this is Sheila. I can't stop thinking about you. When can we get together? I want to grab you and undress you and then BEEP

(Oriental) Hello, you've reached honorable Chan residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan (Godzilla scream) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong. Chan will call back if house still here.

Dear Caller: As I leave you this message the sun is shining for a change. Little children cavort in the park. Their mothers and teenage sisters sunbathe practically nude. You really think I'd stick around this dump?

Congratulations! Correctly dialing here makes you eligible to leave a message! (applause) Join the lucky few that advance to the next level! (cheers) Leave a message.