Home Directory Framed?

My parakeet swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit but I got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (paper bag exploding)
Hello, I'm out getting a new parakeet. Leave a message.

I'm a burglar. I stole the answering machine. Leave a message and I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way where did you say you live?

(sinister organ music) Hello. Leave a message (Hallelujah!) or suffer eternal damnation (death scream) You decide.

I have amnesia. I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. Leave my name and tell me something about myself. Thanks.

C'mon... you can do it... That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this - beeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

You've reached Santa's workshop. Santa's out and the elves are barbecuing Blitzen. Leave your Christmas list.

Daniel's out saving the world from destruction. Leave a message. He'll call back faster than a speeding turtle.

Our operators are busy. Leave a message. Thank you and have a pleasant day (dissuade prank & sales calls who don't know it's a private line)

I'm replaced with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave a message. I'll call back when I'm nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.

You've reached the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Leave a message. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

Jim's spring pledge drive. Basic membership is $30. A $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim" T-shirt. Thank you for your pledge.

1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died. We know he's still out there somewhere. Tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

I'm on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! I get home and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD I'll call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is (coughing loony laughter)

I'm Sally's microwave. Her answering machine eloped with her tape deck. I'm stuck taking her calls. Want anything cooked while you leave a message? Hold it up to the phone.

Welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

(loud heavy-metal music, raspy voice) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe's DEAD! Leave a message. IF we resurrect him he'll call back.

Bush Campaign. Your $5 donation to reelect George Bush will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you'd like to leave a message...

Tim's dead! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do occur from time to time. Leave a message. We'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.

You can leave a message. I must warn you I get annoyed with hard to read messages. Use the shift key appropriately, avoid overpunctuation and spell-check your message or I'll ignore it.

Someone stole our phone. If you wasted a quarter on this call - Sorry.

My time costs $125 per hour. Leave your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll call back pending credit approval.

(getting calls for Sherry, who used to live here) Sherry's not here. I fired her.

Yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. Tell me how it was or leave some other informative message. Thanks.

Here's my answers to last week's messages in order of arrival. Yes. Maybe. At 7. You'll get it tomorrow. For sure. Get me that phone number. Thanks, I take messages on Mondays.

(sultry female) Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of Delights. We'd be delighted if you leave a message that won't rub us the wrong way...

(Masterpiece Theater) To beep or not to beep, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to suffer clicks and static of outrageous phones; to speak, perchance to scream.

Due to complaints regarding the length of our previous message we made changes (Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here)

The party you dialed is not available. Your call diverts to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your operator (click, beep, dial tone)

(Aussie accent) Hi, how ya goin', listen, I tell ya what, this anserin' machine is so clever, I kid you not, if you don't leave a message it'll ring ya back and ask for one! Bye.

Sorry my answering machine is out of order. A broken CD player taking its place can't take messages either. It can't even play you a tune while you wait to not leave a message.

(as on TV) Answering machine of the century. And now your host (Voice 2) would you like to explain the rules to our contestants? (Voice 3) Sure. All they need to do is leave a message.

(stoned, slow) Hey brother you've reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. We're trying to decide if the phone exists. Leave a message.

(scrap metal falling down stairs) Hello, we're having technical problems. Leave a message.

(English accent) Hello, you've reached Monty Python. The witch turned me into a newt! I'll call back when I'm better.

(frantic violin music) Hello. We're either chasing or being chased by bats. Leave a message.

Portland Oregon Computer Music Research Institute. Leave a critique of one of our current works in progress.

Welcome to my Fun Phone Line. You can talk to my answering machine for only $9.95 per minute! Leave your credit card number...

I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Leave a message. I'll call back at the end of Van Halen-1.

We're not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (window breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll call back later.

I'm not home but I can take a message. Hang on while I get a pencil (open a drawer and shuffle stuff around) OK, what do you want to tell me?

You obviously have bad timing. Nobody's home. Leave a message in a voice similar to mine. We'll call back as soon as humanly possible.

(from a distance) Hello I'm too far away from the phone to take your message. I'll call back when I'm nearer the phone!

This machine is connected to 5000 volts and wired to this kitten (kitten meows) Leave a message or it completes the circuit and fries the kitty. The choice is YOURS!

(gameshow announcer) Hello! And welcome to Yes, No, Maybe! Yes, you've reached 555-1234! No, we can't take your call and Maybe we'll call back!

This is talk radio N0MFW! I'll be with you 3 minutes. Thanks for calling!

Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (waits again) Helloooo - Who's this? (final short pause) Leave a message.

Clovis is committing sodomy. Call back in an hour. You may receive the same message.

You've reached the number you dialed. The person you called is not in service. Leave a message. I'll call back when I'm repaired.

(Record this as a friend's message and he'll get keypad music messages) Enter your 4 digit PIN at the tone.

If you're calling about an outstanding debt leave a message BEFORE the tone.

Vacuum. Appliances switch jobs again. I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. Leave a message. It's in the bag.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. Write a sentence using today's vocabulary word, "supercilious".

I'm glad you called. I was thinking of you. I need to borrow $50. If you're good for $50 leave a message. You'll be glad you did.

You've reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy. Leave a message. Someone will call back as soon as possible.

This is the domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer phones. Leave a message.

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is

(heavy breathing like an obscene phone call) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never mind. Leave a message.

Thank you for calling the House of Love. Our customer service people are serving customers. Describe whatever turns you on.

You've reached the Satanic Hotline. Our operators are busy. Leave a message. Someone will call back when hell freezes over.

The President is out of his office. Tell me what country you wish to invade, and the password.

This is not a recording. The world will officially cease to exist 10 seconds after the beep. Leave a message anyway if you want. Thank you. Have an nice death.

(after a power outage) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so's my answering machine. Leave a message.

(Mr Rogers) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe. Can you leave a message? Sure... I knew you could.

I'm not home today. I might not be home tomorrow. I didn't shower today. I might not tomorrow. Leave a message or you might have to deal with me in person.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Jerk. All our jerks are busy. Leave a message. We'll have a jerk return your call as soon as possible.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway (keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message)

If you have good news or money stay on the line. We'll be right with you. If not, this phone will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

For John press 1. For Steve press 1. For John OR Steve press 1. For someone else press 1. For...

Greetings, you've reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want. At the tone please hang up.

Close friends press star. Telemarketers hang up. Thank you. Have a nice day.

I'm not sane. Leave your shoe size. I'll call back when and if I return to my senses.

If a phone rings in an empty room and no one's there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon. Leave a message.

Des Moines chapter of the Iowa Procrastination Society. Leave a message. We'll get around to it...

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats able to answer phone. At sound of capitalist tone describe secrets you wish to sell.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3.

You've reached the world's greatest psychic. Since I already know your message please hang up after the beep.

John's answering machine broke. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly. I'll stick your message to myself with a magnet.

We're dead. Leave a message anyway. Someone will get it eventually.

Yes, I finally got an answering machine (Handel's Messiah) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Leave a message.

Leave a message. After I doctor the tape your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You've reached the B&D Hotline. Leave list of transgressions and bark like a dog. We'll call back with your penance.

Hi, you've reached an answer-person. I'm not paid to respond. Anything after the whistle will be memorized to the best of my ability.

Andy Warhol said one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Your 15 minutes was last week. You weren't here so we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

Hello, please email me instead. I always never playback these damn answering machine messages. Besides I'm probably online right now.

Despite the phone company's best efforts you really DID reach 555-1234. Didn't help much, did it? You still have to talk to a machine.

All our answering machines are busy. Please hold (pause) All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering machine of...

Our operators are on strike in sympathy with Major League Baseball. Leave a message.

(Solemn) If you get this recording, I'm dead. Changing the magnetic pattern on this tape won't help get me the message.

A space-time continuum connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

If you're a burglar we're home cleaning our weapons and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we're not home and it's safe to leave us a message.

Yo. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? Smells good.

I'm home right now. I screen my calls. Start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise leave your favorite color of underwear. I'll call back if I like the color.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Tell me where you left the money. I'll call back as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

This isn't Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

Hello? (Pause. Roommate) C'mon, Matt, we're late! Hold on, someone's on the phone! Hello? C'mon, dude! Hello? Aaah, whatever... BEEP

Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas please, with extra cheese... Oh, I got the wrong number? Sorry (Click)

(Mae West) Hello there, big boy. The 7th Fleet docked today. I'm busy for a l-o-n-g time. Leave a message 'n I'll get back to ya.

My waveform collapsed. Leave a message. I'll call when I've pulled myself together.

This is the Devil's Lair. He's out rounding up rookies. Please state the name of your soul... er... self and the favor you wish to obtain.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop. Please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

(Australian accent) G'day mate. I'm busy with this crocodile. Leave a message.

Leave a message at the beep (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again (beep) Once more with feeling...

Don't do it! I don't want to hear it! Don't beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

Leave a message - but first, an algebra quiz: What's 5Q + 5Q? (pause while caller thinks 10Q) You're welcome!

Leave a message. Para nos amigos hablan espanol, HOLA! Por favor, llaman anoche, gracias amigos, y tienen buena dia.

You've reached the Groskreutz's. No, not the Smiths or the Joneses. If you can't pronounce it, don't leave a message.

If this were the best of all possible worlds I could answer the phone right now, but I can't, so leave a message...

Kemosabe no in teepee now. Leave'um message after smoke signal. Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

Thanks for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

You've reached Vienna Farm. For riding lessons leave a message. To board a horse leave a message. If you're a bill collector TAKE A NUMBER!

You've reached Jerry's answering machine. Jerry's out. Whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close. We tell each other everything.

(classical music) This is our answering machine (heavy metal) This is our answering machine on drugs (silence) Any message?

The number you've reached has been changed. The new number is (same number) Please make a note of it.

Concatenation of events preclude our answering the phone. Speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.

Slowly increase voice pitch and speed while recording to make the message sound like the machine is broken.

Leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.

OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?

Leave a message. And remember: It's not the quantity of the message that counts, it's the quality.

(recorded directly from AT&T) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. Sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....

...always calling... the phone, the phone... I can't reach the phone from here... oh god... this transmission ends...

Hi there. I'm home. In a moment I'll have a decision to make. Leave a message and I'll think about it.

This is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.

Uh, nobody's here. They're kidnaped! Leave $10,000 in a brown paper bag.

Mom, Dad, wouldn't it be easier to reach me if I had a cell phone? So how about an early birthday present?

Knock, knock (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that MY question? (Pause) Leave a message...

Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana big fella talkie-talk back real fas'.

This answering machine has a short attention span and WILL hang up if you leave a boring message.

You've reached Aardvark Medical School. To leave a message, press 1. To donate a body, press 2.

You spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE. See the world, LIVE a little. Have fun.

Thanks for reaching out to us. Nobody's home. Leave a message. We'll reach out and touch you.

We're not egassem a evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

(ominous electronic music) It's Halloween. I perform unspeakable pagan rituals. Leave message.

I'm probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back, it's you.

E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave name and number and prepare to die.

Reincarnation as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving a message.

Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone.

We're having a family fight. Leave a message. Whoever wins will call you back.

Hang up now if you want to speak to Johan. Otherwise stay on the line to leave him a message.

We're sorry. You've reached an imaginary number. Rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and Main and bring the girl (CLICK)

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.

I'm at Slobinski's house. Me and 5 other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb. Leave a message.

(Pick up the phone. Say) I'm not here right now. Leave a message. BEEP (then listen)

Next on Public Radio 91 is Antonin Dvorak, Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

We're reassembling Elvis' brain. Leave a message.

"I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "I'm Fred." "Leave a message."

I'm home but can't find the phone. Leave a message. I'll call you when I find it.

We're out LOOTING! Leave a message. We'll call you back and tell you what we got.

(deadpan) Leave a message as soon as possible and I'll call back at the tone. Bye.

This is the answering machine. I'm on strike. Any messages you leave will be deleted.

I'm out, asleep, or dead. Leave a message. Either I or my next of kin will call back.

(actual number is 555-1218) Hi! This is 555-4218, leave a message at the beep.

I'm only here in spirit. Leave a message. I'll call you when I'm here in person.

Welcome to Cawfee Tawk. Leave a message, we'll cawl you back, no big whoop.

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you (caller thinks he dialed long distance)

This is an answering machine. This is the 90s. You know what to do.

(classical music, slow stoned voice) Ever wonder what life is like?

I just got a car phone. Leave a message. I'll call you when I'm out.

This is Rip van Winkle. I'm asleep. Leave a message at the snore.

Bless God possible as soon as you to back get I'll and message a leave. Hi.

This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

We have caller ID. You can leave a message. There's really no need to.

I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me. Send $10 for manual.

I'm not home. While you wait for me to call you back, visit my homepage at

My answering machine is out of order. The voice you hear is actually me.

This so called answering machine won't respond to anything you say.

Leave a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, FOR you.

This message is for all you psychics out there (long silence) BEEP

Your ad can be in this space for $10 a day. Leave a message.

Leave a message. I have caller ID so I know who you are

Leave a message. Wait by your phone until I call you back.

Thanks for calling the Peoria Weather Line (weather report)

This is Death. Leave a message. I'll be right with you.

I'm on a 4 state killing spree! WATTA YA WANT?

(airplanes and machine guns) Hi, I'm UNDER ATTACK!

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone.

Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah. BEEP

I'm Chevy Chase's answering machine and you're NOT.

Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?

Wrong number? I was going to pick up the phone anyway.

I'm the answering machine. What are you?

This is Dr Ruth. Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...

Answering machine open to suggestions.

Stop reaching out and trying to touch me, dammit!

We're not here right now but the phone is.

We're cleaning the refrigerator. Leave a message.

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

What you hear is a digitally manipulated fart.

You're not in so I'll leave a message.

Sherwood Forest. Which deer do you want?

Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message.

I am pimento loaf, leave me a message.

Leave a tone after the message.

I don't exist. Leave a message.

(bored) Heaven, God speaking...

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

Joisey Toinpike! Exit 10! (car crash)

This is KVKE. You're on the air.

I'm not home. Think fast. BEEP!

Hello, you're caller number 9!

You know what to do at the tone.

Hi. Now you say something.

Creamed asparagus! BEEP

Listen (pause) Now talk.

Message. BEEP.

County Morgue.

Baaaaaaa.

Talk to me.

(busy signal)

I'm not in.

I'm gone.