Home Directory Framed?

This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon. Leave a message. He'll call you back. Deal with it.
You've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me. I'll tell you how I suffer between sports seasons and about my hobby of being a Portland Trailblazers power forward. I'll tell my deepest secrets. You can decide whether or not I wear pants. Selected callers get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. Obsessive compulsive? Press 1 repeatedly. Codependent? Have someone press 2 for you. Multiple personalities? Press 3, 4, 5 and 6. Paranoid? We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line, we'll trace your call. Delusional? Press 7. Your call will be transferred to the mother ship. Schizophrenic? Listen carefully. A voice will tell you which number to press. Manic depressive? It won't matter which number you press - no one will answer. Fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. Amnesia? Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. Post-traumatic stress? Slowly and carefully press 000. Bipolar? Leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Wait for the beep. Short-term memory loss? Press 9. Short-term memory loss? Press 9. Short-term memory loss? Press 9. Low self esteem? Hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

This is space shuttle Columbia's answering machine. If NASA calls we're still trying to fix the radio antenna. If it's Tom's parents he's outside fixing the landing gear. If it's Mike's wife, hello darling, I'm helping Tom. I'll call you back soon's we're done. If this is space station MIR, our contact must be delayed at least 12, repeating 12, more hours. If this is an alien space ship please wait until we're fully operational again. Anyone else, leave a message. We'll call back after landing, debriefing, and time at home. Have a nice day or night.

You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Studio. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are conducting screen tests with leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test or even if you're not, leave your name, age, phone number, measurements, a brief summary of your work experience on and off screen, and your favorite fantasy. Thanks for calling.

(Hitchhikers Guide theme) The Cerius Cybernetic Corporation was happy to correct the problem of all that icky person to person conversation that happens when people actually pick up the phone and talk to each other. They added answering machines which cleverly play messages back at the wrong speed so callers sound high on helium. If your message is REALLY important the machine breaks its own tape to insure you never get the message at all. What a shame to waste such brilliant technology. Please attempt to leave a message.

This is Nonoxynol-9, persona and private phone number of Mikhail Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

Dudes, this is the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. We're on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages. If you know what The Shredder did to April O'Neill, or you know where he is, or you have a decent pizza recipe, leave a message and we'll call back. Don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. After the computer checks they're not eavesdropping it will make a beeping noise and you can speak freely.

(High Tech Phone Message, mechanical voice) You've reached () To leave a message for () press 1 now. To be called back press 2 now. If your message is one minute or longer, press 3 and 5 now. If your message is under one minute press 4, 7 and 8 now. If your message is extremely important and you can't wait any longer to leave it press 8 9 times and 9 8 times. If you're stupid enough to press buttons during this totally useless recording leave a message.

Elleuw, Eenspector, ahem, CHIEF Eenspector Clewseau ees not een the rheum to answer the pheuwne at the meument. Stop acteeng lahk a minkey, you FUEWL, and leave a mesSAGE... Excuse me, Inspectah Clouseau, I just leceived special derively for you, here sir... Ah, thank you, Kato. How naice eet ees to have people send you a pretty leetle beuhmb for a birthday present, and eet ees not even my birth - a BEUHMB? It's a beuhmb!!! (muffled explosion)

(very fast) To leave a message wait for the tone. To leave your name and number press pound, press 3, dial your name, press 6 and dial your number. To leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, leave your name and message. To leave your number and the time you called, press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, according to my latest calculations. Supposing the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave a message. I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is 0.645. Have a nice day.

You've reached the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist. To contribute please leave message and amount of bequest at the beep. Something will get back to you shortly. Help us bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thanks again. Have a nice day.

You've reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. With your voice patterns digitally encoded and stored our computers can use YOUR voice for illegal and immoral purposes. No charge for initial consultation. Our staff of professional extortionists will contact you to further explain the benefits of our service and arrange your schedule of payment. Speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

(Joe Friday) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation please leave a message and any affiliations you have now or in the past with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.

Everybody Wants to be a Movie Star phone message
Hello you've reached the Multiplex Theater. Now showing in Cinema 1 The Phone Message, an offbeat, disturbing adventure starring (name) as the Person Who's Never Home, with Sally Struthers as The Answering Machine, Joe Piscopo as The Dial Tone and YOU as the Irate Caller

So! You finally called. I suppose you think I'll just be here. Well you're wrong. I gave up on that yesterday. 17 weeks is long enough. Waiting for you, staring at the phone, never going anywhere. I've had enough! I test lint removers for Ralph Nader. Leave a message. I'll get back to you if I survive my new job.

(Peter Gunn theme) My name is David. People call me something else entirely. I'm a P I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call but then... she walked in. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down. Leave me a clue of your identity and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Hello. I can't come to the phone now because - HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I invited George and Barbara Bush over... (Loud music) BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner ...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Shit... Leave a message ...

Hello you've reached the Smith residence. Our operators are busy. Your call will be processed in the order it was received (Muzak) Due to a large volume of calls our operators are bu... (ringing phone) Hello, we're not home right now. Leave a message (long, very loud scream) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIHHHH! BEEP

PHONE MESSAGES ONSTAGE

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we were out. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (vicious dog barks, stops abruptly) wrong number.
Rocky: Here's your chance to REALLY leave a message.

Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight?
Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob. Take over the world! (Sing)
They're David and the Rob
Yes, David and the Rob
One's a drummer, the other needs a job
They're not home right now, so please don't have a cow,
Leave a message - for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a message since we're not here.
Matt: But you left the last one - it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... 
   What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)
Matt: Steve's out right now, so please leave a message.

1: Hello, there's no real people here to answer the phone.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: But don't hang up! You can leave a message...
2: We'll keep track of this stuff until real people get back.
1: ...unless somebody pulls our plug!

1: Hey, would you get the phone?
2: I got the phone last time. You get the phone!
1: I'm on the computer. You get it.
2: I'm in the bathroom. Besides you're closer anyway!
1: Dammit you always pull this crap when it's your turn to get it!
2: Well, let the answering machine get it then!

John: Brad, will you get the phone?
Brad: (frantically clattering keyboard) I can't! I'm playing Omega!
John: Ambar, will you get the phone?
Ambar: I can't! I'm late for work! (slamming door)
John: Aimee, will you get the phone?
Aimee: (running water) I can't! I'm in the shower!
John: Glenn, will you get the - (disgusted) 
   Ah, Glenn's in Denver. Leave a message.

Him: Hi, this is Evan's answering machine...
Her: (interrupting) Whose answering machine?
Him: Sorry dear, I'll start again. Hi, 
   this is Evan and MICHELLE's answering machine... better?
Her: Much better.
Him: Good. Please leave a message. How's that?
Her: Fine.
Him: Okay, now I figure out how to record.

1: I didn't expect an answering machine.
2: Nobody expects an answering machine.
1: Our chief use is to get your name and phone number.
2: Our 2 chief uses are to get your name and phone number.
1: And message. Damn.
2: Our 3 uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
1: And time you called.
2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
1: No time for that. Wait for the beep.

1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.
2: (Background) What are you doing?
1: Recording an answering machine message.
2: But we're here right now.
1: But we might not be here later.
2: Oh (To phone) Leave a message.

A for academics
B for beer
One of those reasons is why we're not here
Leave a message

Voice 1 Answer the phone, please, Hal
Voice 2 Sorry, Dave, I can't do that

Johan's messages I'll keep
If you leave them at the beep
Should he neglect to return his calls
I'll self-destruct and blow off his BEEEEP

As you can guess, we're out
When we get home
We'll call on the phone
Until then, just hang about
Sorry that we're not at home
Leave a message at the tone
When we get in
We'll give you a ring
Until then, wait by the phone

NIKE (commercial)
You know what to do
You know how to do it
You know when to do it
So, JUST DO IT!

These words are lovely dark and deep
I've got promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
Leave a message at the beep

Now I lay me down to sleep
Leave a message at the beep
If I die before I wake
Remember to erase the tape

Twinkle, Twinkle little star
Bet you wonder where we are?
Come up closer to the phone
Leave a message at the tone
If you make your message rhyme
We'll call back in half the time!!!!!

STAR TREK

(Star Trek theme)
(Voice 1) Room 17, the final frontier.
(Voice 2) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out messages.
(Voice 3) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

(Bad imitations)
Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant?
Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms.
Picard: Recommendations, Mr Data?
Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.

Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time. At the subspace tone tell us your name, planet and how many Klingons are attacking.

(Chekov) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things... Say things we did not vant to say... But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep...

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency 7, do you want it on screen?

Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative high frequency spike (Background) Error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. Leave a message. We'll assimilate you later.

Bridge, Kirk here.

(Darth Vader) Speak, worm!

POP TUNE PHONE MESSAGES

(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home") You've reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")

(Guns & Roses' "Civil War") What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. I don't like it any more than you do.

(Pink Floyd) Welcome my friends, welcome... to... the machine... (Voice) Leave a message.

(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room") I ain't home, I ain't home, leave a message 'cause I ain't home.

(Ride of the Valkyries) Leave a message... Leave a message...

MUPPET SHOW
Time to leave a message
When you hear the tone
Time to leave a message
Simple thing to do
When we get home we'll
Get right back to you

MEAT LOAF I'd Do Anything For Love
I'd do anything for calls
I promise I'll call you back
I'd do anything for calls
I can't talk right now and that's a fact
I'm not home right now, I can't answer the phone
No way
I'd do anything for calls
Oh, I'd do anything for calls!

Let me know who it was who called
I'll call you back!
Yes I'll call you back!
Leave a message at the tone
I'll hear it when I get back home,
And I will call - you - back!

WEIRD AL YANKOVICH The Check is in the Mail
Well hey how you doin'? Have a seat have a drink
Boy it's good to see you what can I say
Oh sorry got to run we'll get together again
Say what was your name anyway?
We're working on the problem 
We'll get back to you soon
Don't try to call me I'm in meetings every afternoon
For a year, maybe longer, keep in touch
Thanks for dropping by and have a nice day

NIRVANA Smells Like Teen Spirit
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello
No one's here, no one's home
Leave a message at the tone
Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss
Leave a message, you can reach us

Dialing from the lab late one night
My ears beheld an eerie plight
My assistant frightened by the tone
That signaled no one was home

THERE'S NO ONE HOME MASTAH, MASTAH THERE'S NO ONE HOME
Igor you impetuous fool, leave a message!

ROY ORBISON Crying
I'm glad you phoned
I'm not home
No I'm not ho-o-o-o-ome
Leave a message
I'll call you back, my friend
Leave a message
I'll call you back again

HEARTBREAK HOTEL
I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell
If you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP

MADONNA Justify My Love, sultry voice
Wanting...
Waiting...
For you
To justify your call...

U2 With or Without You
No one's here to answer the phone
Leave a message at the tone
We'll get back to you
We'll get back to you!

CHEERS THEME Where Everybody Knows your Name
Sometimes you make a call
Where you gotta leave your name
'Cuz I can't come to the phone
You gotta leave a message 
Right after the tone

CAMPTOWN RACES
I can't come to the phone, doo-dah, doo-dah
Leave your message at the tone, oh, de doo-dah day
Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...
Leave a message at the tone
I'll call back someday...

WINTER WONDERLAND
Hear the ring, in our home
Once again can't get the phone
So please be polite
You know it's right
Leave a message at the tone

BEETHOVEN'S 5TH
Nobody's home
Why did you phone?
Leave a message at the tone
We'll call you back when we get home

IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN
I might be in the shower
I might be gone for hours
I can't come to the phone
Leave your name and number
If I miss you it's a bummer
Leave a message at the tone

GILLIGAN'S ISLAND
Hello my friend, I'm glad you called
My machine you got...
I'll call you back in a little while
When I'm off the pot... (flush, BEEP)

ROBERT BURNS
O ma phone is but an ebon box
Wha' rings when I'm awa'
My tape machine waits your call
This message for ta play
Leave ye message at the beep
Then bide ye well a while
For I will hear your voice ONE DAY
And call ye wi' a smile

UNDER THE BOARDWALK
Oh, when you call our room
And all you get is a machine
And then you get upset
You feel as if you want to scream
Please leave a message
After the beep
We'll get back to you as soon as we can

BARNEY
We're not home
We're not home
Leave a message at the tone
Please do not hang up the phone

I once had a little white phone
That rang when it was alone
Then I got a tape
For when I escape
Leave a message at the tone

FAMILY with screaming babies and noisy pets, Frere Jacques
We're not here now
We're not here now
Don't hang up
Don't hang up
Please leave us a message
Please leave us a message
Please leave us a message
We'll call back
We'll call back

TELEMARKETERS

Keep a chalkboard near the phone. When salesmen call, hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until they hang up. Plugged my phone in where the blender once was, called someone, they went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I was in the bathroom when the phone rang. Expecting a friend I rushed to beat the answering machine. A saleswoman asked if I'm interested in a burial plot. "Funny you should ask. I dreamed of owning a burial plot for years. You have one I can try out?" I was so annoyed I hung up abruptly. If you could shoot telemarketerse through the phone I'd be a serial killer featured on America's Most Wanted: "Phone killer armed and dangerous. To dial his number use a speaker phone and stand back."

"How are you today, Mr. Dryer?"
"Broke."
"We have a special deal for you today, Mr. Dirty."
"Is it free?"
"It's a deal for special customers, Mr. Droopy. ..."
Then comes a spiel, 500 words in 30 seconds. When I finally get a pause I say, "No thanks and please don't call me again even if you run out of suckers." Click.

I never buy anything over the phone but calls never stop. A company tried to sell me a wake-up service. A friend received calls from a loan service 3 days in a row at 8 a m. Bring our troops back from Bosnia to lock up telemarketers and surround them with hundreds of ringing phones. Forbid companies from calling people at home unless they sign forms declaring themselves extremely lonely. If Congress takes too long to pass this law I'll get an answering machine.

"Credit card companies press 1."

"I'm on a shopping spree, maxing out my credit cards before the government deports me to India. Please send my bills to my best friend, Bill Gates."

People selling burial plots: "Mr Durai passed away. Though he set aside $1 million for a burial plot we couldn't find one nearby and cremated him. Please send memorial contributions to his favorite charity, the government."

Other salespeople: "Mr Durai is busy with another salesperson. Please stay on line. Your call is important to him. He likes to buy stuff he's never seen."

Meanwhile I'm asleep, excited thinking about it. High-tech telemarketers disguise sales pitches as surveys. They won't leave you alone. If you hang up they call back. My answering machine answered a call from a computer. 2 machines talked to each other without the slightest idea what each other was saying and wound up in an endless loop.

[PHONE] *RING*
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please leave your message. BEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name] We're taking a phone survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak plainly. I'll repeat your answer back to you and verify it. First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
The answering machine, confused by the beep, thought it was a play-back command and beeped in response. [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222. Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]

[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]

Noticing the answering machine going for over half an hour, I turned up the volume to find out what was going on. Discovering this endless loop (by now I had over 200 children, all over 1,000 years old) I switched off the answering machine. The computer never called again.