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Cross a cactus with a bike
A flat tire
Cross a wolf with a rooster
An animal that howls at sunrise
Cross a dog with a waffle
A woofle
Cross King Kong with a bell
A ding-dong King Kong
Cross Minnehaha with Santa Claus
Minnehaha hoho
Cross a horn and a flute
Tootie flutie
Cross a lion with a watchdog
Very nervous postman
Cross TNT with old songs
Blast from the past
Cross a groundhog with Michael Jordan?
6 more weeks of basketball
Cross a bridge with a car
To the other side
Cross a math teacher with a crab
Snappy answers
Cross an elephant with a computer
A 2-ton knowitall
Cross a cat with a shark
A town without dogs
Cross an elephant with peanut butter
An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth
Cross an SST with a hamburger
A very fast hamburger
Why did the shark cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillo it could be done
Why did the fox cross the road?
Chasing the chicken!
Why did the cactus cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken
How did the snail cross the road?
Hitched a ride on a chicken
Why did the pig cross the road?
To hear cars squeal their brakes
Why did T-Rex cross the road?
Chickens weren't evolved yet
Why did the elepant cross the road?
Prove it wasn't a chicken
Two men dug a hole in 5 days
How many days did it take them to dig half a hole?
You can't dig half a hole
When is a watch like a thingamabob?
When it's a whatchamaycallit
What's always behind time?
The back of a clock
How long does an 8-day clock run without winding?
It won't run without winding
Why does time fly so fast?
People try to kill it
What's the Lone Ranger's first name?
The
Why does a dog wag its tail?
Nobody wags it for him
Which side of a hamburger is the left side?
The side not eaten
What looks like half a hamburger?
Its other half
2 dozen hamburgers cooked, all but 11 eaten
How many were left?
11
What passes hamburger stands without moving?
A road
What are little black cats?
Kittens
How do plumbers know the weather without using instruments?
Hear the weather forecast
What's the beginning of everything?
Letter E
A farmer had 2 haystacks in 1 row and 3 in another
How many would he have if he put them together?
1
How do you get cold hard cash?
Put your money in the freezer
How do you make money fast?
Glue it down
How do you double your money?
Fold it in half
Going to the water hole a zebra met 6 elephants
Each had 3 monkeys on his back
Each monkey had 2 birds on his tail
How many animals were going to the water hole?
Only the zebra. The rest were going away from it
How many balls of string does it take to reach the moon?
One great big giant one
An astronaut lands in water
What's the first thing he does?
Gets wet
What's the best way to keep fresh cookies?
Don't return them
How do you make a lemon drop?
Let it fall
What do you become after you're 5 years old?
6 years old
How does a sailor know there's no man in the moon?
He's been to sea
Where is Minute Street?
Between 61 and 63 Streets
If April showers bring May flowers
What do Mayflowers bring?
Pilgrims
Where do you find roads without cars
Forests without trees and cities without houses?
On a map
Is there an English word with all the vowels?
Unquestionably
What's a crowbar?
Where crows go for drinks
What does a stork do when it stands on 1 foot?
Lifts the other foot
Why did the eagle fly over the mountains?
It couldn't fly under them
Where is there always sympathy?
In the dictionary
What's always coming but never arrives?
Tomorrow
Name the Capitol of every U S state in a second
Washington DC
Can you jump higher than a tree?
Yes - a tree can't jump
How many 50 cent stamps are in 2 dozen?
2 dozen
How many times can 7 be subtracted from 77?
Once. Then it's subtracted from a smaller number
How long is a piece of string?
Twice as far as from middle to end
What's orange, weighs 2 tons and has a stick through it?
An orange hippopopsicle
If Washington's wife went to Washington while
Washington's wife washed Washington's woolies
How many Ws are in all
None - no Ws in all
If candy bars are 50 cents in Boston
What are window panes in Philadelphia?
Glass
What month has 26 days?
They all do
What's the difference between an old penny and a new dime?
9 cents
What do they call watermelons in Louisiana?
Watermelons
How do you get water into watermelons?
Plant them in the spring
What do bees ask flowers?
Hey Bud when do you open?
What time do lions come to dinner?
Time to go
What do cats call mice on rollerskates?
Meals on wheels
Why do fish swim in schools?
Group rates are cheaper
Who's the smartest inventor?
Thomas Edison, invented the record player for
people to stay up all night and use his lightbulbs
How did the inventor discover gunpowder?
It came to him in a flash
What is an unemployed jester?
Nobody's fool
How do you trip the light fantastic?
Stick out your foot
What's big, has a trunk and likes peanuts?
An oak tree with a squirrel in it
What's stranger than seeing a catfish?
Seeing a goldfish bowl
What's another name for a cat's house?
A scratch pad
Why shouldn't you pollute the ocean?
You'd make the sea sick
When a computer falls through the ice?
Breakthrough in modern technology
Dancing pebbles
Rockettes
What travels worldwide but stays in one corner?
A stamp
Where do soldiers learn to drive tanks?
Tank U
What do two breadcrumbs equal?
Ants
Why do giraffes stand on their heads?
To trip clumsy birds
What do frogs build skyscrapers with?
Rivets rivets rivets
What do is it when the ocean is foggy and grass is damp?
Murky sea, murky dew
What do you see on a clear California day?
UCLA
What's the first hot dog crossing the finish line?
The wiener!
Can bees fly in the rain?
Not without their little yellow jackets
Of 5 flies in the kitchen, which one plays football?
The one in the sugar bowl
What's an Italian feline trying on clothes?
Catalina dressing
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
What did one frog say to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies!
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line
Where do you find the most fish?
Between head and tail
How do you keep a rhinocerous from charging?
Take away his credit card
What's green and flies over Poland?
Peter Panski
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing - just waved
What's a boomerang that don't work?
A stick
What has 4 legs, is big, green and fuzzy,
and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef
Why so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones
What do you do with 2 pieces of bread in the desert?
Make a sandwich!
What's a cow spying on another cow?
A steak out
How do you recognize a dogwood tree?
By its bark
How do you know if your aura is dirty?
Somebody writes "wash me" on it
What's 2 mushrooms buying drinks for everybody in the bar?
A couple of fun guys
What did the monkey say putting his tail on the railroad tracks?
It won't be long now!
What's an ice cream truck person?
A sundae driver
How can you recognize Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
He's the one with the sesame seed buns
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
If it lifted the other leg it'd fall
What cats call bowls of mice?
Purr-fect meals
5 cats sat on a fence. 1 jumped off. How many were left?
None. They're all copycats
What's the difference between TV and newspaper?
Swat a fly with your TV and find out
Why are frogs always happy?
They eat whatever bugs them
What will you write your essay on?
Paper
How do you pass a geometry test?
Know all the angles
What month do dogs bark least?
February - the shortest month
How do you find a train?
Follow its tracks
What's full of holes but holds water?
A sponge
How many books can you carry in an empty bag?
None. The bag's empty
What do you put in a barrel of water to make it lighter?
A hole
What animal jumps higher than a mountain?
Any animal. Mountains don't jump.
What do you call a frozen camel?
Lost
What does it mean to find a lucky horseshoe?
One unlucky horse goes barefoot
What do Alexander the Great and Bozo the Clown have in common?
The middle name "The"
How do you describe rain?
Drops of water falling from the sky
What do they call French fries in France?
Home fries
What do Texans call sushi?
Bait
How many bricks does it take to finish a house?
One - the last one
After a bath what is still dirty?
The tub
What's brown,has a hump, and lives st the North Pole?
A lost camel
If a farmer raises corn in dry weather
What does he raise in wet weather?
An umbrella
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside
Where is Timbucktu?
Between Timbuk-one and Timbuk-three
How long are a dinosaur's legs?
Long enough to reach the ground
Where is the ocean deepest?
On the bottom
What is faster than a fish?
The one who catches it
ELEPHANTS
Why do elephants wear small green hats?
To sneak across pool tables unobserved
How do you fit 6 elephants into a Volkswagen?
3 in front and 3 in back
What do you call elephants riding trains?
Passengers
How do you make an elephant float?
Ice cream, root beer and an elephant
How does an elephant get to the top of a tree?
Sit on an acorn and wait
How do you find an elephant in the jungle?
By the peanuts on his breath
Why do elephants wear bright green shoes?
To hide in the pea patch
What do you do if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?
Miss most of the movie
How do you make a hamburger for an elephant
Start with a big roll -
What do elephants eat besides hamburgers?
Canned elephant food
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
To hide upside-down in bowls of custard
Why did the elephant walk around in white socks?
Someone stole his sneakers
Why do elephants wear green sneakers
To sneak across pool tables without being seen
When is an elephant like a cute little bunny rabbit?
When he wears his cute little bunny rabbit suit
Why did the elephant cross the road?
It didn't want to be mistaken for a chicken
Why do elephants prefer peanuts to caviar?
Easier to get peanuts at ballparks
Fastest way to get to the moon
Climb up an elephant's trunk and tickle him
Why do elephants lie down with their legs in the air?
To Trip Birds!!
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?
So it wouldn't fall iinto the hot chocolate
Why did the elephant lie down in the middle of the road?
To trip the ants
How do we know owls are smarter than chickens?
Ever hear of Kentucky Fried Owl?
Why is an elephant large, gray and wrinkled?
If it were small, white and rouns it's be an aspirin
How do you know an elep[hant is visiting?
His tricycle isparked outside
How do you know anelephant isin your refrigerator?
The door won't close
Why do elephants wear small green hats?
So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard
What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth
What did the grape say when an elephant sat on it?
Nothing, just let out a little whine
What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, swish, clomp, clomp, clomp, swish?
An elephant with one wet tennis shoe.
Why did the elephant change socks at the gold course?
Hole in one
Whaat do you call the first elephant in the bath?
Ringleader
What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
His shadow
What looks like an elephant?
Another elephant
What do you need to know before training an elephant?
More than the elephant
How do you know an elephant is reading over your shoulder?
Peanuts on his breath
HALLOWEEN
What's a cross between Bambi and a ghost?
Bamboo
What do monsters eat? Things
What do monsters drink?
Coke. Things go better with Coke
What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
Stage fright
How do you recognize Count Dracula?
He has a big D on his pajamas
Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Light snack
What mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps
How do you tell twin witches apart?
It's hard to tell which witch is which
What monster goes in washing machines?
A wash and wear wolf
Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
If they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms
RABBITS
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A Hot Cross bunny
What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
Cheer up!
Why is a bunny the world's luckiest animal?
It has 4 rabbits' feet
What's the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit bank note?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
What's a cross between a bunny and a leek?
A bunion
What's a cross between a bunny and an orange?
A pip squeak
How do you make a rabbit stew?
Make him wait 3 hours!
SPACE TREK
What kind of bulbs should you plant on the moon?
Light bulbs!
How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Approximately 1.00000000000000001
How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the whole collective enjoys the experience!
Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon?
It was already full!
What did the astronaut cook for lunch?
An unidentified frying object!
How did the astronaut serve dinner in outer space?
On flying saucers!
What's the best way to talk to a Martian?
Long distance!
Why is it Captain Kirk never tells Marts jokes at a party?
There may be some at the party.
What drugs are Martian athletes tested for?
Fertilizer.
Why is sunbathing unpopular on Mars?
Martians are afraid to wilt.
Why do Martians have 2 antennas on their head?
To receive in stereo.
What's the most popular snack on Mars?
Marsmallows.
Why are there no Martian tourists at the Grand Canyon?
Theirs is much bigger.
Hey, it just looks like home.
How does Luke Skywalker get from one planet to another?
Ewoks
LIGHTS
How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
How many hardware people does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle and
one to change the bulb.
How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but she changes it into a rabbit.
How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb?
None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."